Hey ya, thanks für your reviews and that your still sticking to the story!
We're not far from the end now!
Thanks to Wuemsel for a couch, a li'l TV education, Kuuuuuliiiiiiiis, the one and only Warlock and loadsa patience!! Thanks to Anna for being the greatest, even though momentary slightly disabled friend and to Reggie for non-stop support!
All disclaimers apply.
I understand there's no future for us here
Guess I fooled myself into thinking there was
Now you've make it clear
I'll never be right
Now we've got to say good-bye and I've got to be strong
So tell me one more time how it's better for the both of us
Tell me one more time how we'll hurt each other if we stay
Tell me one more time the darling there's just one more thing
Before you walk away
Explain it to my heart
It's better that we're over now
Tell me one more time that this it's suppose to be
Tell me that I'm better off without you
How it's better to forget about you
Darling I understand
Now won't you please explain it to my heart
Now if I try I can see the reasons why
Why we can't stay together I might convince my mind
But it's breaking my heart to know I've got to let you go
To find that I must leave behind the only love I've known
Well I can tell myself that I never really needed you
I can tell myself that it's better just to say good-bye
I can tell myself a thousand lies
But tell me now
Tell me how I do
Say that I'll be better
If we don't stay together
Say that I'll be better off free
But don't say it to me
Explain it to my heart
The song "Explain It To My Heart" by Chicago was originally published on the album Chicago 21.
There was a noise. The first one she heard. There was light flooting through her eyelids, bright and ugly light, horribly bright at first. There was something soft next to her left leg, something that felt natural and human. Susan only slowly got aware of her own thoughts. It was like waking up from a deep sleep, yet it seemed to be harder as thought that nap had taken centuries. Her back hurt, her head a little, too. She wasn't lying on an uncomfortable couch, that was for sure. The regular beeps next to her sounded so damn used that Susan, being a nurse, had no problem making out where they came from. She also felt the tube in her nose and the wires being connected to her limp body.
What had happened to her?
All of sudden the image of a car shot towards her, faster than it had done in reality, she could feel the pain again, however, not physically. Simply the fear, the feeling of...dying. Yeah, she could remember. Rob, the coach, LA and...the car. In the middle of all those memories Susan didn't even quite realize that her eyes had cracked open. She didn't recognize the place at first, still she didn't feel lost. Somehow she had the the feeling that she was at the right place. That she was where she was supposed to be.
Her gaze wandered through the room and remained in a single person that stood next to her bed. She recognized the friendly smile, the mischievous eyes, his warm and encouraging impression had lost nothing of its loveliness. And even in despite of the fact that she was too weak to give any expression to her happiness he seemed to return her inner smile.
Mark had hardly ever felt so relieved in his life. When he had meant to watch some small movements, he had come closer to the bed just to check if his tired eyes were already fooling him. But he didn't seem to have erred. Two pretty blue eyes now through him a long weak, yet grateful look of recognisition.
Susan's glance now drifted and she noticed something -or someone- else. An exhausted, yet youthful face which was covered by some strands that belonged to dishevelled blonde hair. Jesse's head rested on his arms at the edge of the bed. His shoulders rose and fell staidily with every breath, you could tell from one quick glance that he was fast asleep.
Mark bent down next to him and gently ruttled his young friend. Jesse groaned heavily a few times, giving his reluctance of waking up the necessary expression, however, he finally opened his eyes, sat up with a moan when a nasty pain shot through his lower back and rubbed his fingers over his temples and eyes. "Sorry, Mark, I must have fallen asleep whe..." By that time Jesse's heart had missed a beat.
Susan had managed to catch his eyes with her own ones, simply looked at him and wanted nothing more but to smile brightly when she found that his look hadn't changed at all. There was the smae twinkle in those eyes, still the same shine, right now covered by confusion and a kind of disbelief.
Jesse indeed didn't dare to trust his senses. What if he had gone nuts? Or was he just dreaming? Aware of another presence in the room, he finally turned around to the man who'd woken him up. If Mark was seeing the same like him...
Mark could guess Jesse's thoughts. So when the young man turned around to face him and his questioning, hoping looks told volumes, Mark only smiled and nodded.
The stone that dropped from Jesse's heart was heavy enough to cause an earthquake. "I don't belief this!", he mumbled, realizing to late that he had said that aloud. Slowly, very slowly, since he still sorted his mind, he got up and settled at the edge of the bed. Carefully he grabbed both of hands and never took his gaze off of Susan as though he was scared of losing her as soon as he looked away. "Susan?", he asked, so insecurly as if he still didn't really expect anything to happen.
She blinked and moved her fingers. Hers were cold and clumsy, yet firmly held by his, nevertheless she could press her hands against his that he would realize that she was there, as present, just as alive as him
The effect of those little movements was amazing, she found. A second of what she interpreted as silent amazement was followed by a huge grin that spread on his lips revealing all the relief and all the happiness as though lots and lots of it had been saved over years for this one brief moment. And then there it was: a single tear on his cheek, another one.
For the first time in days Jesse had no intention to stop the tears from whelming up in him. Right now they were the last thing he cared about.
About one week later
Grabbing a mug and the coffee can, Steve Sloan was happy to finally come to a seat in the lounge. Settling down and taking a sip from his coffee, he glanced over to Amanda and his father who both wore a relaxed smile on their faces.
"Hey!", he greeted. "How is Susan?"
"A lot better. If the recovery goes on like this, we should be able to release her in a few days!", Mark informed him. Now that the medical part was done, he had question referring to the criminalistic section. "Anything new about Danny?"
Steve shook his head. He only wished that he would be having news that were about as satisfying as his father's. "Nope, nothing. It's as though he never existed...probably he's already left the country. He won't turn up here again, I suppose...the investigations are still running, but I don't really think we'll work out anything..."
"So there is no doubt that is was him?", Amanda inquired.
"Very li'l one", Steve replied. "Susan told me that he had been stalking her already before she left LA. At first letters in which he told her that he was out of prison and wanted her back...the adress we found on the note she wrote for Jess was the envelopement of one of his letters. But he also chased her, even threatened her before she left for New York. He seemed to be obsessed, but maybe he's still left so much of a sane mind that he was clever enough to figure out that it is to risky for him here. The NYPD is positive that danny also murdered Bakins. There looking for him everywhere and so is the police here. That man can't lead a nicelife here anymore..."
"We don't have anything to worry about?", Mark asked, suspicously.
Steve shook his head, but couldn't help throwing his dad a knowing glance. "Admit it, dad, something is worrying you!"
Mark lowered his head. He had been caught. "You know, it's just weird. I mean that guy is a psycho, and psychos usually don't stop just like this..."
"You wanna scare us?", Amanda asked in yet mock amusement, however, she felt a strange feeling crawling through her stomach.
Mark laughed self-consciously. "Probably you're right. I'm just thinking too much..."
About one week later
Opening the door of his refrigator, Jesse dropped his gaze disappointedly as he stared into the emptiness. Blushing slightly, he turned around to his guest who leaned at the kitchen counter.
"You know...uh...how about we just order a pizza!", he suggested, smiling wryly at the emberassing state of his food depot.
Susan couldn't help but grinning, though deep inside she knew that this was definitly not the right time for it. She only thought it was funny that all the things that were regarded as life maintaining -like sleep, food, relaxing- still didn't seem to count for Jesse Travis. However, her smile faded hastily by the thought of what she was about to tell him. "You don't need to order one for me...I'm flying back to New York tonight..." She just couldn't speak on as she looked into his eyes.
Jesse simply stared at her in pure disbelief. "What?!", it slipped out of his mouth faster than he could think. At the same time he felt like a fool. Not because he had asked, rather because of the way he had asked. Shockedly. And he, indeed, was shocked. Shocked to discover that he had still hoped for something. Now she knew what he was thinking, that was certain.
Susan's gaze dropped. "Listen, I wanna go to Robert's funeral, I owe him that, after all all this is my fault..."
He only nodded as his mind was too confused to produce a single proper sentence. He could even understand her, but...he didn't know it, maybe he was just tired of being in the middle of all this.
As he didn't say anything, Susan continued talking. "Look, I understand if that doesn't sound fair to you. Neither it sounds to me. But, you know, I must have excused about a thousand times for what happened to you and I'm still sorry, but what about Robert? You understand me, do you?"
He remained where he was, like frozen across her on his side of the counter and didn't say a word.
"If all that is over, I'll come back and we can talk this through once and for all!" Susan had really meant it as an offer. Not an offence. An offer, but as she realized soon, it had sounded impatient and also somehow patronizing. She hated herself for doing this.
A cool, sarcastic, yet sad smile, spread on Jesse's face as he looked at her with eyes that would have melted a stone. "No", he answered in a low voice, watching her wincing slightly. "I'm sorry, I can't. This has already costed me too much strength, I just...", he suddenly raised his voice a little. "What have you been thinking anyway, why did you come back?", this was the question he wanted to have answered more urgently than anything else, until now he simply hadn't had the heart to ask it. But right now, the question was rethorical. He rather wanted to go on yelling. "You know, it's...I would have loved to tell you this not here, not in this situation...I really loved you, Susan. And I realized that I still do, but, you know, we can't go on like this. I don't wanna go through all this again and I get the feeling that I'm already right in the middle if it..." By now he almost shouted at her and as he noticed that, he stopped one moment to take a deep breath. "You don't have to come back. It's over..."
An uneasy silence filled the room, seemed to be louder than thousands of noises. Susan bit on her lip. There were so many things, she still wanted to explain to him, yeah, that was actually why she had come back. If she did tell him now, maybe he would understand. Maybe he would give it a chance. However, for some reasons she didn't feel like explaining anything to him. She simply nodded. "I'm gonna call myself a cab..."
He threw a glance at his wrist watch and grabbed his jacket. As he was heading for the door, both of them suddenly froze. Jesse slowly turned around, coming to face her. "I'm sorry..." He smiled sadly and his gaze dropped. "Deja vu, huh?"
"Yeah, pretty much..." She smiled back, feeling the same sorrow, the same pain, the same unanswered questions wandering through her mind she would never get an answer for. Neither he would.
In his car Jesse didn't turn the engine on immediatly. He only sat there, drewing long deep breaths. There was nothing right about this. No fairness, no understanding, not even indifference that would have made it any easier. Only regrets. But he had said the truth. He didn't have the strength and he was starting to believe that he never had had it. Maybe relationships were a thing that was just beyond him.
He sighed once again and started his car. The sun was already setting and in the closing time traffic he would probably never make it to the CGH in time anyway. So he didn't want to dawdle about any longer. Work was right now the only thing able to distract him.
Susan just glanced out on the street, waiting for the cab she had called as soon as she had left and saw Jesse's car passing by. By the time it was a bit further down the road, a second car which had been parked at the site of the street in front of the apartment house was started. She frowned. The car had been there for hours, all the time she had looked out of the window it had been there. The strange thing was that she hadn't seen anyone getting into the car before it drove away. The driver obviously had been sitting in his dark car all the time.
She couldn't help it, she had a strange feeling about this. She couldn't describe it, it was intuition, some kind of a sixth sense. Still holding the receiver of the phone, that she had used to call for a cab, in her hand, she dialled Jesse's number, only to find that in the sudden rush he had forgotton both his cellphone and his pager.
Panic rose in her when a sudden idea came to her mind. Dialling another number quickly, she only hoped that she either suffered from a strong paranoia or, in case she didn't, wouldn't be too late.
"Dad!", called Steve out of the kitchen, "where have you put the ketch-up?"
"Unless you haven't bought some, we don't have any ketch-up!", Mark replied, grinning amusedly.
"Hmpf, and what am I supposed to eat my Hamburgers with?"
"How about curry?", Mark suggested.
At that answer Steve's mockily shock-widened eyes pierced him from the kitchen entrance. "That's disgusting, dad!"
Their friendly argument was interrupted by the ringing phone. "I'm going...wasn't looking forward to dinner anyway!", Steve murmured, wearing a wryly sulking smile. "Sloan?"
"Steve?", Susan swallowed.
Steve frowned as he heard her quivering voice. "Susan?", he asked, fully earnest by now. The sudden change of his tone also caught Mark's attention.
"Listen, I think that Jesse might be in trouble.."
"What?!"
"I can't explain it to you right now, please drive to Community General, I have the feeling that something's going on..."
Steve only remained silent to sort his mind when he heard Susan's eager voice. "Please trust me, Steve!"
"Okay!", by that Steve had already hung up the phone and turned to his father. "Forget about the curry, dad, we've gotta go!"
Jesse pulled into the parking space in the underground garage of the CGH. He was late, but right now only a few minutes. Not unusual at this time of the day. He had arrived when it was dark outside, the night of LA had officially gone into the next round. Another night of work. Usual. And yet, it was different for him.
He got out of his car, locked it and made his way towards the stairway when suddenly the lights went off and Jesse stood in the complete darkness between the cars. He sighed. Obviously there had been a short circuit or something like that. Nothing to worry about, in a few seconds the emergency electricity generator would start to work. Until then he had no choice but to remain where he was since he couldn't see anything at all and would never find the exit that way.
Some footsteps sounded near him. It seemed as though there was another person caught in the darkness, but that person somehow set his steps more determinedly than Jesse did, the noises of his shoes hitting the asphalt echoed from all sides of the the garage. The young doctor had the feeling that that person wasn't walking away from him, but seemed to approach him. The echoes of the shoes came closer and Jesse could sense the presence of another man almost right in front of him, though he couldn't see a thing. He frowned and his eyes narrowed as he tried to make out contures or a face in the endless dark, nevertheless nothing was visible. Finally he asked, by now already feeling slightly uncomfortable:"Anybody here?"
Instead of an answer, Jesse all of sudden felt sharp pain piercing his left shoulder, a pain that almost took him the air to breath. Cold, sharp metall bored into his flesh, causing him to gasp before he groaningly sank onto the ground, the knife or whatever it was still evident in his shoulder. Not for long though. With a rough and nasty movement it was removed when Jesse was halfway down, already on his knees. The young doctor cried out in pain, feeling blood escaping from the deep and aching wound in his shoulder, not far away from his heart. His mind was racing, he was scared beyond believe and didn't even have the strength to scream.
Now there was a flickering around him and the emergency lights went on. Between the stars he saw and the unbelievable pain, Jesse, who was still on his knees, desperatly pressing his right hand onto his shoulder, the doctor could make out a pair of blue Jeans in front of him.
Danny laughed out evily. "Well, nice to meet you again, Dr Travis!", he said, bending over that he was face to face, eye to eye with his gasping victim. "You probably don't remember me, though! I'm Danny!"
At the mention of the name, Jesse head jerked up, slowlier than it would have normally done but still there was enough of fearful recognition in that gesture.
Danny smirked. "Yeah, me, exactly. The guy you have all been looking for! And very soon I'll be away for good. But still had some buisness here...like, you know...", his eyes sparkled threateningly, "killing you..."
Saying that, Danny aimed and kicked against Jesse's right hand, the one he had pressed onto the wound. Jesse once more whined, but more surpressedly, it was only a small noise compared to how much his whole body hurt. Having been worked over by Danny's feet, Jesse's couldn't hold himself upright anymore and also his upper body sank onto the floor that was already covered with his blood.
Danny shook his head, almost pitifully and knelt down next to his victim, rolled him onto the site and scrutinisized him calmly. Jesse fought against the unconcussionness and his whole body seemed to be wrapped into a blankett of pain, but he still was able to understand that words that Danny hissed at him now in unmoved heartlessness. "It'll be over soon, Travis. I gotta admitt that Bakins suffered less than you, but I thought you need a little special treatment..."
Absent-mindedly he played with the bloody knife in his hands and Jesse, though his view was already blurred, was able to see that and once more tried to flinch away scaredly, but that only sent another wave of crushing hurt through his weak body. He moaned quietly.
Danny meanwhile continued speaking:"Bakins was less fun than you, too. You know, Susan never really loved him, she just needed him to get a bit...let me say, alternation. But you...that was different. She truly loved you and I wouldn't be too surprised if she still does...and you're surely wondering how I know all this. Well, see...I love Susan and I know everything about her. And, you know something else, Travis?", he paused and looked at the pale and barely breathing figure in front of him. "I won't share her! Never..."
Suddenly the approaching sound of police sirens sounded from the walls and the ceiling and caused both Danny and Jesse to wince, even though Jesse at that time was already more or less unconscious.
Within seconds the dim light of the emergency lamps was supported by the red and blue lights of two police cars and one pair of headlights, belonging to a civil Ford, whose doors flew open and Steve, holding his gun pointed at Danny who sat on the floor coweredly, the knife still in his hands.
"Freeze!", shouted Steve.
Danny laughed and dropped the knife. "It's over, Sloan, you won't be able to..." he couldn't speak furtherly as one hit of Steve's left fist sent him flying over the next car before he landed on the hard asphalt and was dragged to his feet by two police officers, not only because those wanted to rescue his victim from him, rather because they wanted to rescue Danny from Steve whose looks seemed to to be enough right now to kill Danny immediatly.
The detective, however, had already turned his attention to his father who knelt next to his best friend. "Steve, I'm barely getting an heart beat, we need to bring him upstairs, fast!", Mark said seriously, pressing one hand on the deep wound in his friend's shoulder while the other hand rested calmingly, as he hoped, on Jesse's head.
"Alright...", Steve nodded and bent over to put his strong and firm arms cautiously under Jesse's knees and shoulders to lift him up like a grown-up carrying a small, sleeping child. Jesse groaned as Steve touched him, but didn't fight against it.
"It's okay, Jess, you're gonna be fine!", Steve stated quietly and didn't know if Jesse could hear him.
All his way upstairs to the ER Steve repeated the sentence over and over again, not only to make Jesse feel save and alright, but also to to convince himself. Jesse's pale skin didn't match the red color of his once white shirt very well. Neither did the red match his own blue shirt found Steve and a shudder ran down his spine as he saw his friend's blood seep in his clothes.
When he finally came to lay his friend onto a stretcher in the ER, Steve heart and mind were racing. He simply watched his father and the other nurses rushing to the sites of their patient, each of them worried about a man they had known for years. But they had to be objective and handle the situation professionally.
The detective got aware of Alex who seemed to have been standing next to him for quite a while, while he had been watching the bustle in the trauma room. Knowing Mark Sloan's son rather well, Alex knew that he should just keep quiet and wait.
Amanda had just started her shift and more or less coincidently met Susan in front of the CGH. Susan had jumped out of a cab and practically run into the pathologist who had inquired what happened. Susan had quickly informed her about her horrible suspicion and both woman had headed to the ER as quickly as possible.
Entering the emergency room of the Community General Hospital, Amanda and Susan both stopped dead immediatly when they saw a blood soaked Steve standing lost and completely helpless next to Alex in the middle of the entrance area.
"Oh God, Steve, what happened to you?!", Amanda cried out. He lifted his gaze slowly and first looked at her though she was the first human being he saw in his whole life.
"To me?", he repeated dumb-foundedly and then slowly seemd to understand. "Oh, that's not my blood. It's..."
He didn't need to speak on since now the door of the trauma room flung open as a nurse quickly left it. A few seconds Amanda's and Susan's eyes were focussed on Jesse who lay on the stretcher, with bare, blood covered chest, and Mark who was working concentratedly and hoped that no one would notice how much he shivered. Jesse had already lost so much blood and his heart was about to stop again.
"Jesse Travis!", Mark mumbled eagerly. "You won't die now! Are you hearing me? You are not going to die now!"
Outside Susan and Amanda simply stared at the by now closed door of the trauma room in pure shock.
"What happened?", Amanda demanded to know and turned to Steve while she already sobbed.
"I knew it, that's all my fault!", whined Susan and Alex could see that she was close to break-down.
"How about we go to lounge and sit down for a while?", he suggested calmingly and the two woman nodded. Alex grabbed Susan and gently guarded her while Amanda followed them, pretty shaken and confused, too, but still in a much better condition than the younger nurse.
Turning on his heel, Alex pointed at Steve's shirt. "In the changing room down the hall is a locker with scrubs. Take what you need."
Steve understood the hoodwink and smiled thankfully. He really could need some fresh clothes.
When he walked into the doctors lounge about ten minutes later, he found Alex on the couch, holding a very calm Susan in his arms, and Amanda at the table, her face burried in her hands and she didn't seem to notice anything.
Steve approached her, settled down on the chair next to her and gently stroked her back while he threw Alex a look. "What about Susan?", he whispered.
"Gave her something...", Alex replied, smiling weakly. Then he raised one eyebrow. "The scrubs suit you!", he said quietly, only to say something and he knew that Steve would get the meaning of this.
What he didn't know was what kind of memory now wandered through Steve's mind. "Yeah", the detective smiled forcedly and looked down on himself, the blue shirt and blue trousers in standard size. "Scrubs suit everybody...", he mumbled and suddenly winced.
Now he really was about to cry.
Thanks to Wuemsel for a couch, a li'l TV education, Kuuuuuliiiiiiiis, the one and only Warlock and loadsa patience!! Thanks to Anna for being the greatest, even though momentary slightly disabled friend and to Reggie for non-stop support!
All disclaimers apply.
I understand there's no future for us here
Guess I fooled myself into thinking there was
Now you've make it clear
I'll never be right
Now we've got to say good-bye and I've got to be strong
So tell me one more time how it's better for the both of us
Tell me one more time how we'll hurt each other if we stay
Tell me one more time the darling there's just one more thing
Before you walk away
Explain it to my heart
It's better that we're over now
Tell me one more time that this it's suppose to be
Tell me that I'm better off without you
How it's better to forget about you
Darling I understand
Now won't you please explain it to my heart
Now if I try I can see the reasons why
Why we can't stay together I might convince my mind
But it's breaking my heart to know I've got to let you go
To find that I must leave behind the only love I've known
Well I can tell myself that I never really needed you
I can tell myself that it's better just to say good-bye
I can tell myself a thousand lies
But tell me now
Tell me how I do
Say that I'll be better
If we don't stay together
Say that I'll be better off free
But don't say it to me
Explain it to my heart
The song "Explain It To My Heart" by Chicago was originally published on the album Chicago 21.
There was a noise. The first one she heard. There was light flooting through her eyelids, bright and ugly light, horribly bright at first. There was something soft next to her left leg, something that felt natural and human. Susan only slowly got aware of her own thoughts. It was like waking up from a deep sleep, yet it seemed to be harder as thought that nap had taken centuries. Her back hurt, her head a little, too. She wasn't lying on an uncomfortable couch, that was for sure. The regular beeps next to her sounded so damn used that Susan, being a nurse, had no problem making out where they came from. She also felt the tube in her nose and the wires being connected to her limp body.
What had happened to her?
All of sudden the image of a car shot towards her, faster than it had done in reality, she could feel the pain again, however, not physically. Simply the fear, the feeling of...dying. Yeah, she could remember. Rob, the coach, LA and...the car. In the middle of all those memories Susan didn't even quite realize that her eyes had cracked open. She didn't recognize the place at first, still she didn't feel lost. Somehow she had the the feeling that she was at the right place. That she was where she was supposed to be.
Her gaze wandered through the room and remained in a single person that stood next to her bed. She recognized the friendly smile, the mischievous eyes, his warm and encouraging impression had lost nothing of its loveliness. And even in despite of the fact that she was too weak to give any expression to her happiness he seemed to return her inner smile.
Mark had hardly ever felt so relieved in his life. When he had meant to watch some small movements, he had come closer to the bed just to check if his tired eyes were already fooling him. But he didn't seem to have erred. Two pretty blue eyes now through him a long weak, yet grateful look of recognisition.
Susan's glance now drifted and she noticed something -or someone- else. An exhausted, yet youthful face which was covered by some strands that belonged to dishevelled blonde hair. Jesse's head rested on his arms at the edge of the bed. His shoulders rose and fell staidily with every breath, you could tell from one quick glance that he was fast asleep.
Mark bent down next to him and gently ruttled his young friend. Jesse groaned heavily a few times, giving his reluctance of waking up the necessary expression, however, he finally opened his eyes, sat up with a moan when a nasty pain shot through his lower back and rubbed his fingers over his temples and eyes. "Sorry, Mark, I must have fallen asleep whe..." By that time Jesse's heart had missed a beat.
Susan had managed to catch his eyes with her own ones, simply looked at him and wanted nothing more but to smile brightly when she found that his look hadn't changed at all. There was the smae twinkle in those eyes, still the same shine, right now covered by confusion and a kind of disbelief.
Jesse indeed didn't dare to trust his senses. What if he had gone nuts? Or was he just dreaming? Aware of another presence in the room, he finally turned around to the man who'd woken him up. If Mark was seeing the same like him...
Mark could guess Jesse's thoughts. So when the young man turned around to face him and his questioning, hoping looks told volumes, Mark only smiled and nodded.
The stone that dropped from Jesse's heart was heavy enough to cause an earthquake. "I don't belief this!", he mumbled, realizing to late that he had said that aloud. Slowly, very slowly, since he still sorted his mind, he got up and settled at the edge of the bed. Carefully he grabbed both of hands and never took his gaze off of Susan as though he was scared of losing her as soon as he looked away. "Susan?", he asked, so insecurly as if he still didn't really expect anything to happen.
She blinked and moved her fingers. Hers were cold and clumsy, yet firmly held by his, nevertheless she could press her hands against his that he would realize that she was there, as present, just as alive as him
The effect of those little movements was amazing, she found. A second of what she interpreted as silent amazement was followed by a huge grin that spread on his lips revealing all the relief and all the happiness as though lots and lots of it had been saved over years for this one brief moment. And then there it was: a single tear on his cheek, another one.
For the first time in days Jesse had no intention to stop the tears from whelming up in him. Right now they were the last thing he cared about.
About one week later
Grabbing a mug and the coffee can, Steve Sloan was happy to finally come to a seat in the lounge. Settling down and taking a sip from his coffee, he glanced over to Amanda and his father who both wore a relaxed smile on their faces.
"Hey!", he greeted. "How is Susan?"
"A lot better. If the recovery goes on like this, we should be able to release her in a few days!", Mark informed him. Now that the medical part was done, he had question referring to the criminalistic section. "Anything new about Danny?"
Steve shook his head. He only wished that he would be having news that were about as satisfying as his father's. "Nope, nothing. It's as though he never existed...probably he's already left the country. He won't turn up here again, I suppose...the investigations are still running, but I don't really think we'll work out anything..."
"So there is no doubt that is was him?", Amanda inquired.
"Very li'l one", Steve replied. "Susan told me that he had been stalking her already before she left LA. At first letters in which he told her that he was out of prison and wanted her back...the adress we found on the note she wrote for Jess was the envelopement of one of his letters. But he also chased her, even threatened her before she left for New York. He seemed to be obsessed, but maybe he's still left so much of a sane mind that he was clever enough to figure out that it is to risky for him here. The NYPD is positive that danny also murdered Bakins. There looking for him everywhere and so is the police here. That man can't lead a nicelife here anymore..."
"We don't have anything to worry about?", Mark asked, suspicously.
Steve shook his head, but couldn't help throwing his dad a knowing glance. "Admit it, dad, something is worrying you!"
Mark lowered his head. He had been caught. "You know, it's just weird. I mean that guy is a psycho, and psychos usually don't stop just like this..."
"You wanna scare us?", Amanda asked in yet mock amusement, however, she felt a strange feeling crawling through her stomach.
Mark laughed self-consciously. "Probably you're right. I'm just thinking too much..."
About one week later
Opening the door of his refrigator, Jesse dropped his gaze disappointedly as he stared into the emptiness. Blushing slightly, he turned around to his guest who leaned at the kitchen counter.
"You know...uh...how about we just order a pizza!", he suggested, smiling wryly at the emberassing state of his food depot.
Susan couldn't help but grinning, though deep inside she knew that this was definitly not the right time for it. She only thought it was funny that all the things that were regarded as life maintaining -like sleep, food, relaxing- still didn't seem to count for Jesse Travis. However, her smile faded hastily by the thought of what she was about to tell him. "You don't need to order one for me...I'm flying back to New York tonight..." She just couldn't speak on as she looked into his eyes.
Jesse simply stared at her in pure disbelief. "What?!", it slipped out of his mouth faster than he could think. At the same time he felt like a fool. Not because he had asked, rather because of the way he had asked. Shockedly. And he, indeed, was shocked. Shocked to discover that he had still hoped for something. Now she knew what he was thinking, that was certain.
Susan's gaze dropped. "Listen, I wanna go to Robert's funeral, I owe him that, after all all this is my fault..."
He only nodded as his mind was too confused to produce a single proper sentence. He could even understand her, but...he didn't know it, maybe he was just tired of being in the middle of all this.
As he didn't say anything, Susan continued talking. "Look, I understand if that doesn't sound fair to you. Neither it sounds to me. But, you know, I must have excused about a thousand times for what happened to you and I'm still sorry, but what about Robert? You understand me, do you?"
He remained where he was, like frozen across her on his side of the counter and didn't say a word.
"If all that is over, I'll come back and we can talk this through once and for all!" Susan had really meant it as an offer. Not an offence. An offer, but as she realized soon, it had sounded impatient and also somehow patronizing. She hated herself for doing this.
A cool, sarcastic, yet sad smile, spread on Jesse's face as he looked at her with eyes that would have melted a stone. "No", he answered in a low voice, watching her wincing slightly. "I'm sorry, I can't. This has already costed me too much strength, I just...", he suddenly raised his voice a little. "What have you been thinking anyway, why did you come back?", this was the question he wanted to have answered more urgently than anything else, until now he simply hadn't had the heart to ask it. But right now, the question was rethorical. He rather wanted to go on yelling. "You know, it's...I would have loved to tell you this not here, not in this situation...I really loved you, Susan. And I realized that I still do, but, you know, we can't go on like this. I don't wanna go through all this again and I get the feeling that I'm already right in the middle if it..." By now he almost shouted at her and as he noticed that, he stopped one moment to take a deep breath. "You don't have to come back. It's over..."
An uneasy silence filled the room, seemed to be louder than thousands of noises. Susan bit on her lip. There were so many things, she still wanted to explain to him, yeah, that was actually why she had come back. If she did tell him now, maybe he would understand. Maybe he would give it a chance. However, for some reasons she didn't feel like explaining anything to him. She simply nodded. "I'm gonna call myself a cab..."
He threw a glance at his wrist watch and grabbed his jacket. As he was heading for the door, both of them suddenly froze. Jesse slowly turned around, coming to face her. "I'm sorry..." He smiled sadly and his gaze dropped. "Deja vu, huh?"
"Yeah, pretty much..." She smiled back, feeling the same sorrow, the same pain, the same unanswered questions wandering through her mind she would never get an answer for. Neither he would.
In his car Jesse didn't turn the engine on immediatly. He only sat there, drewing long deep breaths. There was nothing right about this. No fairness, no understanding, not even indifference that would have made it any easier. Only regrets. But he had said the truth. He didn't have the strength and he was starting to believe that he never had had it. Maybe relationships were a thing that was just beyond him.
He sighed once again and started his car. The sun was already setting and in the closing time traffic he would probably never make it to the CGH in time anyway. So he didn't want to dawdle about any longer. Work was right now the only thing able to distract him.
Susan just glanced out on the street, waiting for the cab she had called as soon as she had left and saw Jesse's car passing by. By the time it was a bit further down the road, a second car which had been parked at the site of the street in front of the apartment house was started. She frowned. The car had been there for hours, all the time she had looked out of the window it had been there. The strange thing was that she hadn't seen anyone getting into the car before it drove away. The driver obviously had been sitting in his dark car all the time.
She couldn't help it, she had a strange feeling about this. She couldn't describe it, it was intuition, some kind of a sixth sense. Still holding the receiver of the phone, that she had used to call for a cab, in her hand, she dialled Jesse's number, only to find that in the sudden rush he had forgotton both his cellphone and his pager.
Panic rose in her when a sudden idea came to her mind. Dialling another number quickly, she only hoped that she either suffered from a strong paranoia or, in case she didn't, wouldn't be too late.
"Dad!", called Steve out of the kitchen, "where have you put the ketch-up?"
"Unless you haven't bought some, we don't have any ketch-up!", Mark replied, grinning amusedly.
"Hmpf, and what am I supposed to eat my Hamburgers with?"
"How about curry?", Mark suggested.
At that answer Steve's mockily shock-widened eyes pierced him from the kitchen entrance. "That's disgusting, dad!"
Their friendly argument was interrupted by the ringing phone. "I'm going...wasn't looking forward to dinner anyway!", Steve murmured, wearing a wryly sulking smile. "Sloan?"
"Steve?", Susan swallowed.
Steve frowned as he heard her quivering voice. "Susan?", he asked, fully earnest by now. The sudden change of his tone also caught Mark's attention.
"Listen, I think that Jesse might be in trouble.."
"What?!"
"I can't explain it to you right now, please drive to Community General, I have the feeling that something's going on..."
Steve only remained silent to sort his mind when he heard Susan's eager voice. "Please trust me, Steve!"
"Okay!", by that Steve had already hung up the phone and turned to his father. "Forget about the curry, dad, we've gotta go!"
Jesse pulled into the parking space in the underground garage of the CGH. He was late, but right now only a few minutes. Not unusual at this time of the day. He had arrived when it was dark outside, the night of LA had officially gone into the next round. Another night of work. Usual. And yet, it was different for him.
He got out of his car, locked it and made his way towards the stairway when suddenly the lights went off and Jesse stood in the complete darkness between the cars. He sighed. Obviously there had been a short circuit or something like that. Nothing to worry about, in a few seconds the emergency electricity generator would start to work. Until then he had no choice but to remain where he was since he couldn't see anything at all and would never find the exit that way.
Some footsteps sounded near him. It seemed as though there was another person caught in the darkness, but that person somehow set his steps more determinedly than Jesse did, the noises of his shoes hitting the asphalt echoed from all sides of the the garage. The young doctor had the feeling that that person wasn't walking away from him, but seemed to approach him. The echoes of the shoes came closer and Jesse could sense the presence of another man almost right in front of him, though he couldn't see a thing. He frowned and his eyes narrowed as he tried to make out contures or a face in the endless dark, nevertheless nothing was visible. Finally he asked, by now already feeling slightly uncomfortable:"Anybody here?"
Instead of an answer, Jesse all of sudden felt sharp pain piercing his left shoulder, a pain that almost took him the air to breath. Cold, sharp metall bored into his flesh, causing him to gasp before he groaningly sank onto the ground, the knife or whatever it was still evident in his shoulder. Not for long though. With a rough and nasty movement it was removed when Jesse was halfway down, already on his knees. The young doctor cried out in pain, feeling blood escaping from the deep and aching wound in his shoulder, not far away from his heart. His mind was racing, he was scared beyond believe and didn't even have the strength to scream.
Now there was a flickering around him and the emergency lights went on. Between the stars he saw and the unbelievable pain, Jesse, who was still on his knees, desperatly pressing his right hand onto his shoulder, the doctor could make out a pair of blue Jeans in front of him.
Danny laughed out evily. "Well, nice to meet you again, Dr Travis!", he said, bending over that he was face to face, eye to eye with his gasping victim. "You probably don't remember me, though! I'm Danny!"
At the mention of the name, Jesse head jerked up, slowlier than it would have normally done but still there was enough of fearful recognition in that gesture.
Danny smirked. "Yeah, me, exactly. The guy you have all been looking for! And very soon I'll be away for good. But still had some buisness here...like, you know...", his eyes sparkled threateningly, "killing you..."
Saying that, Danny aimed and kicked against Jesse's right hand, the one he had pressed onto the wound. Jesse once more whined, but more surpressedly, it was only a small noise compared to how much his whole body hurt. Having been worked over by Danny's feet, Jesse's couldn't hold himself upright anymore and also his upper body sank onto the floor that was already covered with his blood.
Danny shook his head, almost pitifully and knelt down next to his victim, rolled him onto the site and scrutinisized him calmly. Jesse fought against the unconcussionness and his whole body seemed to be wrapped into a blankett of pain, but he still was able to understand that words that Danny hissed at him now in unmoved heartlessness. "It'll be over soon, Travis. I gotta admitt that Bakins suffered less than you, but I thought you need a little special treatment..."
Absent-mindedly he played with the bloody knife in his hands and Jesse, though his view was already blurred, was able to see that and once more tried to flinch away scaredly, but that only sent another wave of crushing hurt through his weak body. He moaned quietly.
Danny meanwhile continued speaking:"Bakins was less fun than you, too. You know, Susan never really loved him, she just needed him to get a bit...let me say, alternation. But you...that was different. She truly loved you and I wouldn't be too surprised if she still does...and you're surely wondering how I know all this. Well, see...I love Susan and I know everything about her. And, you know something else, Travis?", he paused and looked at the pale and barely breathing figure in front of him. "I won't share her! Never..."
Suddenly the approaching sound of police sirens sounded from the walls and the ceiling and caused both Danny and Jesse to wince, even though Jesse at that time was already more or less unconscious.
Within seconds the dim light of the emergency lamps was supported by the red and blue lights of two police cars and one pair of headlights, belonging to a civil Ford, whose doors flew open and Steve, holding his gun pointed at Danny who sat on the floor coweredly, the knife still in his hands.
"Freeze!", shouted Steve.
Danny laughed and dropped the knife. "It's over, Sloan, you won't be able to..." he couldn't speak furtherly as one hit of Steve's left fist sent him flying over the next car before he landed on the hard asphalt and was dragged to his feet by two police officers, not only because those wanted to rescue his victim from him, rather because they wanted to rescue Danny from Steve whose looks seemed to to be enough right now to kill Danny immediatly.
The detective, however, had already turned his attention to his father who knelt next to his best friend. "Steve, I'm barely getting an heart beat, we need to bring him upstairs, fast!", Mark said seriously, pressing one hand on the deep wound in his friend's shoulder while the other hand rested calmingly, as he hoped, on Jesse's head.
"Alright...", Steve nodded and bent over to put his strong and firm arms cautiously under Jesse's knees and shoulders to lift him up like a grown-up carrying a small, sleeping child. Jesse groaned as Steve touched him, but didn't fight against it.
"It's okay, Jess, you're gonna be fine!", Steve stated quietly and didn't know if Jesse could hear him.
All his way upstairs to the ER Steve repeated the sentence over and over again, not only to make Jesse feel save and alright, but also to to convince himself. Jesse's pale skin didn't match the red color of his once white shirt very well. Neither did the red match his own blue shirt found Steve and a shudder ran down his spine as he saw his friend's blood seep in his clothes.
When he finally came to lay his friend onto a stretcher in the ER, Steve heart and mind were racing. He simply watched his father and the other nurses rushing to the sites of their patient, each of them worried about a man they had known for years. But they had to be objective and handle the situation professionally.
The detective got aware of Alex who seemed to have been standing next to him for quite a while, while he had been watching the bustle in the trauma room. Knowing Mark Sloan's son rather well, Alex knew that he should just keep quiet and wait.
Amanda had just started her shift and more or less coincidently met Susan in front of the CGH. Susan had jumped out of a cab and practically run into the pathologist who had inquired what happened. Susan had quickly informed her about her horrible suspicion and both woman had headed to the ER as quickly as possible.
Entering the emergency room of the Community General Hospital, Amanda and Susan both stopped dead immediatly when they saw a blood soaked Steve standing lost and completely helpless next to Alex in the middle of the entrance area.
"Oh God, Steve, what happened to you?!", Amanda cried out. He lifted his gaze slowly and first looked at her though she was the first human being he saw in his whole life.
"To me?", he repeated dumb-foundedly and then slowly seemd to understand. "Oh, that's not my blood. It's..."
He didn't need to speak on since now the door of the trauma room flung open as a nurse quickly left it. A few seconds Amanda's and Susan's eyes were focussed on Jesse who lay on the stretcher, with bare, blood covered chest, and Mark who was working concentratedly and hoped that no one would notice how much he shivered. Jesse had already lost so much blood and his heart was about to stop again.
"Jesse Travis!", Mark mumbled eagerly. "You won't die now! Are you hearing me? You are not going to die now!"
Outside Susan and Amanda simply stared at the by now closed door of the trauma room in pure shock.
"What happened?", Amanda demanded to know and turned to Steve while she already sobbed.
"I knew it, that's all my fault!", whined Susan and Alex could see that she was close to break-down.
"How about we go to lounge and sit down for a while?", he suggested calmingly and the two woman nodded. Alex grabbed Susan and gently guarded her while Amanda followed them, pretty shaken and confused, too, but still in a much better condition than the younger nurse.
Turning on his heel, Alex pointed at Steve's shirt. "In the changing room down the hall is a locker with scrubs. Take what you need."
Steve understood the hoodwink and smiled thankfully. He really could need some fresh clothes.
When he walked into the doctors lounge about ten minutes later, he found Alex on the couch, holding a very calm Susan in his arms, and Amanda at the table, her face burried in her hands and she didn't seem to notice anything.
Steve approached her, settled down on the chair next to her and gently stroked her back while he threw Alex a look. "What about Susan?", he whispered.
"Gave her something...", Alex replied, smiling weakly. Then he raised one eyebrow. "The scrubs suit you!", he said quietly, only to say something and he knew that Steve would get the meaning of this.
What he didn't know was what kind of memory now wandered through Steve's mind. "Yeah", the detective smiled forcedly and looked down on himself, the blue shirt and blue trousers in standard size. "Scrubs suit everybody...", he mumbled and suddenly winced.
Now he really was about to cry.