Done, done, done!! Hooooooray! Well, a very very last thanks to everyone
who read this story, reviewed and maybe even enjoyed it! Your comments
really made me proud and maybe there'll come a day when my stories are
really able to match those great I reviews you write!! Again it's been a
pleasure to post this!
Great thanks to Wuemsel for a loads of bottles, for pizza-pics, for sharing some TV-sorrow (Caaaaaaarter, Kleeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiner, kommt zurück!! *heul*), for What are they DOING there?!, for making them hug each other and for my special edition of "Don't go to Warlock!" (weil bei mir is ja eh Hopfen und Malz verloren). Remember the Pacey-quote in these days! Wnuddel! Thanks to Anna for interesting conversations during the English lesson (hell, it's a moth!!) and for a cute Valentines card. Thanks to Reggie for great stories!!
All disclaimers apply. The song "When You Say Nothing At All" belongs to Ronan Keating and the song "I Guess That's Why The Call It The Blues" belongs to Elton John. (Brit-Pop-Hooray!) References made to the DM-eppi Blood Will Out.
It's amazing
How you can speak
Right to my heart
Without saying a word,
You can light up the dark
Try as I may
I could never explain
What I hear when
You don't say a thing
The smile on your face
Lets me know
That you need me
There's a truth
In your eyes
Saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says
You'll catch me
Whenever I fall
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all
All day long
I can hear people
Talking out loud
But when you hold me near
You drown out the crowd
Try as they may
They can never define
What's been said
Between your
Heart and mine
You say it best when you say nothing at all
You say it best when you say nothing at all
"What's with you, Jess?"
"I'm fine!"
"Jesse, your girlfriend was kidnapped by a killer!"
"Hell, what do you want me to say? That I'm terrified? That I never thought someone could matter to me as much as Susan does? That if something bad happens to her my live would be over?!"
"Something like that...we're friends, we can help ya.."
"How? Exactly!"
"Oh dunno...being there, listen, patch on your back..."
"Do you feel better now?"
"Yeah, much, thanks!"
A small sad smile flitted over Steve's face as the scene was replayed in his mind over and over again as though it was a movie that always stopped at the same place, was rewinded and shown again. It was now almost three hours that he had been staring at the huddled person on the couch, wearing an apathetic gaze in his eyes that also Amanda had noticed.
The pathologist herself had gone through different states from the moment she had witnessed in the ER earlier. At first she had been shocked, then only despaired, then still scared beyond believe, but slowly and finally a calm hope had settled in her again, the vague feeling of reliabilty of firstly the good hands Jesse was in and secondly the knowledge that Jesse was strong enough to make it through.
Placing a new mug of steaming coffee next to the absent-minded lieutenant, she ruttled him softly. "What are you thinking about?"
Ages seemed to pass until Steve reacted. He had been to busy with the replaying image in his brain. "Uh"..", he winced slightly before he realized where he was, "no...nothing. Just something that Jesse told me once...not that important..." He had lied lamely. It was important. It had been important to Jesse when he had yelled those things into Steve's face years ago, even it had been cynically, looking back at it almost of a certain sarcastic comic, but yet it had been a confession. Steve had never thought of it again until today.
Susan lay huddled on the sofa, sleeping a softly drugged sleep. Alex had slipped away as soon as she had drifted away to see how Mark was doing in the emergency operation on Jesse. He had thrown a last worried glance at Steve and Amanda, who at that time looked as broken as Alex couldn't recall having seen them like this before. But then, he quickly had decided that the two of them still had each other right now, while Mark was left to himself, having the responsibility for a patient who was his friend as almost his son at the same time. So the intern had finally headed off.
Amanda had patiently waited for a further explaination, but she soon realized that she seemed to have waited in vain. Steve didn't say a word.
"Steve, talk to me!", she demanded calmly.
He turned to look at her. "It's unfair!", he stated. Simply. Only. She lost tongue for a moment. She had never heard him saying something like that. Normally Steve Sloan would have sounded enragedly, furiously. Now he sounded like a little boy, seeming unable to to put complicated thoughts into more than one simple sentence.
She only slowly found her speech again and the noticed surprisedly that she could do nothing more but to agree with him. "Yeah, you're right...", she mumbled. She had experienced herself how much Susan meant to Jesse. And the other way around. Why did things like those always have to be so complicated?
A slight sarcastic laugh escaped from her lips. "We're are truly great at stating the obvious, ain't we? I mean, god, listen to us! We're talking about him as though is...as though he is already..." He didn't dare to speak out the word, fearing that it would become reality by the time she gave it an expression.
Steve secretly had to admitt that the thought had crossed his mind, even more than once in the past hours. He just couldn't fight the picture of his shirt being soaked with blood, he still saw his friend's pale face as Steve had practically screamed at him to hold on while carrying him up the stairs.
Mark Sloan's face had ashened so extremely that Alex was about to reach out his hand as support a few times to make sure that the older doctor wouldn't stumble on his way through the corridors, but everytime he intended to do so, he had gotten his senses back just in time. Mark surely wouldn't allow Alex to lean him a hand as much as he maybe needed it.
Mark knew that he had to pretend strength at least long enough to tell Steve, Amanda and Susan about Jesse's state and until that wasn't done, he would keep his posture. The role of the doctor. The objective doctor who presented a whole lot of medical facts, explaining the truth to the worried relatives. Then he would take care of himself. At the same time, Mark was still in shock. The sound of the never ending beep when Jesse had suddenly had a flat line remained still in his ears. In the seconds between the flat line and the moment they had had a weak heart rythm back on the monitor Mark hadn't been sure if it wasn't also his heart that had stopped beating for a moment.
Entering the lounge, he found his son and Amanda staring into their mugs as though it was the Superbowl finale, even with far less excitement though, and Susan still asleep on the sofa. Two pairs of eyes looked up at Alex, who was only a few steps behind him, and him and scrutinized them intensely as though they hoped to read an answer for all their questions written somewhere on their shirts or so. Mark could remember seeing the same look in Jesse's eyes weeks ago and realizing that hit him like a flash. Hadn't he sensed at that time that it was only the beginning of something?
Steve cleared his throat which suddenly seemed to be very dry. "Dad?"
Mark's look wandered to each of them and remained on an invisible object far away. "He's alright for the moment. Lost a lot of blood, though. The coming hours will be absolutely critical...", he informed them.
Steve was shocked by the trance his father seemed to be in. The fact he had given them had sounded like a chain of necessary informations you would find in any chart. They hadn't sounded like his father at all. Steve slowly got up from his chair and came closer to his father. Building up in front of Mark, he gently grabbed him by the shoulders. "Dad, are you okay?"
It was only now that Mark really appeared to notice him and his eyes focussed on Steve. "Son...", he mumbled and out of a sudden impulse he didn't speak on, but did something he had rarely ever done for ages. In fatherly intuition he pulled his son into a hug and Steve was too astonished to even fight against it. And somehow he felt that he had also needed that. There were times when even the Sloan's hated their responsibilities.
After an eternity that neither Amanda nor Alex had dared to interrupt, the two let go off each other and Mark went over to the couch, knowing that there was still another task waiting for him. He sat down next to Susan and touched her shoulder softly. She woke up after a while and took in her surroundings, slightly disorientated at first. But when she saw the tired face of the older man in front of her the memory returned faster than she sort her mind. The sat up immediatly and saw stars for moment. "Mark? How is he?", she asked, pleadingly.
Aware of the fact that he wasn't to make the same mistake again, Mark took a deep breath and collected his thoughts. "Susan...to be honest, it's too early to tell. He is a critcal state...", he trailed off.
Susan bit on her lip. Her thoughts were out of order, everything was messed up in her head. Pictures of Jesse flickered through her mind within seconds, a never ending line of images. She didn't even realize how the first tear escaped her eye and rolled down her cheek. Follow by a second one. Slowly she turned around to face Steve who stood across the room. "You've got Danny?", she asked with tear-stiffled voice.
Steve nodded calmingly. "Yeah! Yeah, don't worry, we've got him!", saying those words, he was a little relieved himself. Yeah, they had him! But if they had got him in time was still about to show...
Susan drew a deep breath. Now she had to be strong. For once in her life she couldn't just run away. She had done that so often and only hurt people with that. Now she had to stay. Jesse had been there for her, after all she had done to him, he had still been there for her, and now it was her turn. Now she had to there for him. "C...can I see Jesse?", she stammered.
Mark nodded reassuringly. "Of course...come with me!"
It was not much later that Susan had settled next to Jesse's bed. The young man looked horribly pale and breathing seemed to hurt him as there were small tremor send through his body with every rising of his chest. Mark had left after he had made sure that she was okay. Now she was alone with her thoughts and her ex-boyfriend who as she suddenly realized hadn't changed in one year.
He still looked younger than he was, still a blonde touseled mob of hair, the same figure. It was just his lifelessness right now that scared the hell out of her. She rather wanted to have him back, lifely, a bit over- enthusiastic, boyish and yeah, simply lovely.
Rob had been totally different, it shot through her mind and at the same she hated herself for thinking of him now. Yet she couldn't help it. Rob had been grown-up, earnest, a man you admired for what he did, but not loved for what he was. Rob, as she suddenly realized, had been a mistake. A play, a game she admitted to...to run away. Again.
Susan remembered the last question Jesse had asked her:"Why the hell did you come back?"
He was right. He deserved to know. He needed to know. She owed him that. "You know...", she started, looking at the fragile figure in the bed, "...you wanna know why I came back?"
She waited for a reply and sighed inwardly when there was nothing but silence. Somehow she had hoped he would open his eyes and look at her and say yes. Or at least nod. "I came back because I realized that Rob had been a mistake. Leaving you had been a mistake. And only came back to apologize to you..for what I did to you. I certainly didn't want to bother you again. And now looked at this...it seems as though everything I start sooner or later turns out to be mess. I'm sorry, Jess, that's all my fault. It always seems to be my fault...", she added remorsefully.
She looked at him and sighed deeply. She had surpress the sobs again and swallowed hard. "Please, you've gotta wake up, this can't be your way to say good-bye!", she insisted and then something slipped out of her mouth father than she could even think. "I need you!"
There was still no movement.
It was early in the morning when Steve carefully peeked into the room to find Susan still awake. Mark had been there every hour, checked on Jesse, talked to him. Now, after his last visit, the older doctor had slumped into the couch in the lounge exhaustedly and fallen asleep there next to Amanda. Steve didn't have the heart to wake him up and taken his turn.
"Hey!", he said softly while entering the room.
Susan looked up at him and smiled weakly. "Still no change?", he inquired, however, already sensing the frustrating answer.
She shook her head. She had been sitting here for hours, unable to sleep, only following the jumping line of Jesse's heart monitor with her gaze. She had been biting on her nails once again, a thing she always did and that had used to drive Jesse mad about as much as he had driven her crazy with cracking knuckles.
"You want me to stay here so that you can go and eat something? Or shall I bring you some rice cakes..", the half-hearted joke had escaped him before he could prevent it. She whirled around and he grimaced apologetically, but was relieved to find that she only smiled.
"You still remember that?", she asked, unbelieving.
"Sure I do!", he replied. "I mean, that was realy that first time that I chased living deads with my main evidence being a suitcase of rice cakes...", he winked friendly.
"That was the last diet I ever made...", Susan grinned slightly.
"And bet I was really happy about that!", suddenly croaked someone. The third voice that had cut in their friendly teasing startled Steve and Susan that both of them forgot to close their mouths.
Steve was the first to find his speech. "Jess?...", he asked, still not believing really it.
"No, Balu the bear!", came the dry reply from Jesse, whose eyes were opened, still narrowed because the light blinded him, but you could already recognise a small sparkle in them again. His chest hurt and the breathing mask didn't make talking much easier for him, nevertheless he smiled weakly.
He now felt a squeeze on his hand and turned his head to the side. "Hey there", whispered Susan, holding his hand tightly.
"Hey...you're here?" It seemed to be more a question than a statement.
She nodded. "Yes, I am here!" For now that seemed to be enough. For now it was as easy as that.
Mark woken up soon after he had fallen asleep on the couch in the lounge and realized for the first time how exhausting the past hours had been for him and also his friends. Amanda had slept next to him, but opened her eyes when he got up to go and see his friend again. This time she wanted to join him, no matter how scared she was of what she would witness there. Opening the door and sneaking in while trying not to make too much noise, both frozw in the middle of a movement as their hearts seemed to miss a beat. Mark stared in confusion at Jesse, before his frown settled into a warm and relieved smile. "Hey! So you finally decided to come around!", he greeted his friend, settling on the other site of the bed. Jesse grinned knowingly, a mischievous answer already tresent on his lips. If his chest hadn't hurt so much, he would have giggled.
"Sure! Or did you really think I wanted to miss that sight!", he threw Steve a gleefull look. "Nice to see that you changed your opinion about scrubs!"
Steve shot him a short glance. "Not really voluntarily, though!", he answered, smling wryly. "You really scared the hell outta us. Good to have you back!"
Two weeks later
"Dad!", sounded Steve's voice from the bottom of the stairs. In shiny mood the lieutenant entered the kitchen to meet his father standing in front of the refrigator and Amanda, looking slightly helpless, next to him. "Look what I have bought!", Steve announced happily.
Mark's look lightened immediatly. "Oh great, the vegetables I forgot!"
Steve grimaced disappointedly. "Uh no...but I've finally bought ketch-up!" Grinning, he lifted two bottles of red souce while Mark's gaze dropped.
"Oh great!", the older man remarked dryly. "So our survival would be saved for the coming two weeks!"
"Hey, you said I should buy ketch-up!", Steve argued, putting the two bottles ontp the kitchen counter. "Oh, by the way, I'm just coming from the prosecuting attorneys, Danny Corrings has confessed everything. He never got over Susan giving evidence in the trial against him, so he wanted to take revenge...we ain't gonna see him again..."
"That's great news!", Mark said, smiling relievedly.
"I'm only happy that this nightmare is finally over!", Amanda added and earned agreeing nods from her friends.
It was over now. Their friends were save again. Finally there were no sleepless nights anymore and that numb weak-and sadness that had hung over them like a heavy cloud was washed away by now. Of course, they all knew, there were some things to be sorted out, but in those, at that point they'd all agreed, they wouldn't meddle. It was up to Jesse how he would deal with his experience and his future.
Knowing the things were out of their hands, the four of them quickly returned their attention to their meal which still caused some problems.
"So...are we gonna eat eggs with ketch-up?", Mark asked rethorically and raised one eyebrow. He and Amanda looked at Steve who shrugged. "What?"
When their gazes remained on him, he lifted his hands appeasingly. "Okay...okay...forget about the ketch-up, I'm just gonna order some pizzas, alright?!"
"Great choice, son!"
In the meanwhile Jesse and Susan had taken a walk along the beach. For a long time they had only been walking next to each other, their hands stuck in their pockets as though they were rooted there. Their bare feet made their way through the moist sand and their trousers were already a bit wet since they had been strolling near the line where the breakers rolled onto the beach. The ocean reflected the red light of the sunset and it was already beginning to get colder.
None of them had dared to speak, they both were to much afraid of what they were about to say and to what a discussion might lead. Now that things were going back to normal they had to sort some things.
Jesse suddenly stood still and turned to look at her. "What went wrong with us?" The question sounded rather childish once he had spoken it out, but it had been bothering him all the time.
Susan remained silent for a moment. To be honest she didn't know it herself. She shrugged. "Actually I don't know...I think we were just too different...in what we wanted, what we expected..."
He sighed. "Still the old thing...getting married and stuff?"
She shook her head. "It wasn't only that...it was...you never made plans for anything....or maybe I made too much...dunno, I had the feeling that I was bother to you..."
He smiled sadly. "And thought that I was bother to you...", he made a break and stared out onto the ocean. "You know...sometimes I have the feeling that relationships are just..."
"Beyond you...", she ended the sentence for him and as he gave her a surprised look, she almost had to laugh. "I know the feeling..same over here!"
"I dunno...like...I...I...I still need you...", he stammered and blushed. He didn't know what else to say. So he had just tried the truth.
"I need you, too....I just don't know if that is enough...", she stated, but it sounded less firmly than she had hoped.
"What if I said it was..."
"Then I'd say that you're being naive!", she replied, smiling though.
"That's said to be one of my best characteristics!", retorted and continued after a while of silence. "Guess we're stuck..."
She nodded, bowing her head. "Guess you're right!"
The waves roared and the sun now had performed into a red fireball that slowly sank into the Pacific. Seagulls could be seen as small point on the horizon, the breeze had become stronger.
"Guess that's why they call it the blues...", Jesse mumbled, very quietly.
Susan frowned at him. "Do you really think it's the moment to recite brit- pop-songs?"
"Time on my hands could be time spent with you...", Jesse went on, only reciting the next line of the song in an absent-minded voice.
"Laughing like children, living like lovers...", murmured Susan, eyeing up to him. Both of them couldn't help but giggling. There was just a rightness about this, a feeling they both hadn't had for a very long time.
Slowly, very slowly, his right hand moved out of pocket and towards her left, their fingers touched and jamed into each other. So they stood, holding each other's hands tightly while the waves splashed around their feet. For now it was as easy as that.
THE END
Hey, I kinda left this as an open end (though you can surely see my tendency to a happy end *g*) so that everyone can think of an end that you like personally. I hope that you enjoyed the story a bit and wanted to tell you how much I appreciated your reviews and mails all the time! Thank you!!
Great thanks to Wuemsel for a loads of bottles, for pizza-pics, for sharing some TV-sorrow (Caaaaaaarter, Kleeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiner, kommt zurück!! *heul*), for What are they DOING there?!, for making them hug each other and for my special edition of "Don't go to Warlock!" (weil bei mir is ja eh Hopfen und Malz verloren). Remember the Pacey-quote in these days! Wnuddel! Thanks to Anna for interesting conversations during the English lesson (hell, it's a moth!!) and for a cute Valentines card. Thanks to Reggie for great stories!!
All disclaimers apply. The song "When You Say Nothing At All" belongs to Ronan Keating and the song "I Guess That's Why The Call It The Blues" belongs to Elton John. (Brit-Pop-Hooray!) References made to the DM-eppi Blood Will Out.
It's amazing
How you can speak
Right to my heart
Without saying a word,
You can light up the dark
Try as I may
I could never explain
What I hear when
You don't say a thing
The smile on your face
Lets me know
That you need me
There's a truth
In your eyes
Saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says
You'll catch me
Whenever I fall
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all
All day long
I can hear people
Talking out loud
But when you hold me near
You drown out the crowd
Try as they may
They can never define
What's been said
Between your
Heart and mine
You say it best when you say nothing at all
You say it best when you say nothing at all
"What's with you, Jess?"
"I'm fine!"
"Jesse, your girlfriend was kidnapped by a killer!"
"Hell, what do you want me to say? That I'm terrified? That I never thought someone could matter to me as much as Susan does? That if something bad happens to her my live would be over?!"
"Something like that...we're friends, we can help ya.."
"How? Exactly!"
"Oh dunno...being there, listen, patch on your back..."
"Do you feel better now?"
"Yeah, much, thanks!"
A small sad smile flitted over Steve's face as the scene was replayed in his mind over and over again as though it was a movie that always stopped at the same place, was rewinded and shown again. It was now almost three hours that he had been staring at the huddled person on the couch, wearing an apathetic gaze in his eyes that also Amanda had noticed.
The pathologist herself had gone through different states from the moment she had witnessed in the ER earlier. At first she had been shocked, then only despaired, then still scared beyond believe, but slowly and finally a calm hope had settled in her again, the vague feeling of reliabilty of firstly the good hands Jesse was in and secondly the knowledge that Jesse was strong enough to make it through.
Placing a new mug of steaming coffee next to the absent-minded lieutenant, she ruttled him softly. "What are you thinking about?"
Ages seemed to pass until Steve reacted. He had been to busy with the replaying image in his brain. "Uh"..", he winced slightly before he realized where he was, "no...nothing. Just something that Jesse told me once...not that important..." He had lied lamely. It was important. It had been important to Jesse when he had yelled those things into Steve's face years ago, even it had been cynically, looking back at it almost of a certain sarcastic comic, but yet it had been a confession. Steve had never thought of it again until today.
Susan lay huddled on the sofa, sleeping a softly drugged sleep. Alex had slipped away as soon as she had drifted away to see how Mark was doing in the emergency operation on Jesse. He had thrown a last worried glance at Steve and Amanda, who at that time looked as broken as Alex couldn't recall having seen them like this before. But then, he quickly had decided that the two of them still had each other right now, while Mark was left to himself, having the responsibility for a patient who was his friend as almost his son at the same time. So the intern had finally headed off.
Amanda had patiently waited for a further explaination, but she soon realized that she seemed to have waited in vain. Steve didn't say a word.
"Steve, talk to me!", she demanded calmly.
He turned to look at her. "It's unfair!", he stated. Simply. Only. She lost tongue for a moment. She had never heard him saying something like that. Normally Steve Sloan would have sounded enragedly, furiously. Now he sounded like a little boy, seeming unable to to put complicated thoughts into more than one simple sentence.
She only slowly found her speech again and the noticed surprisedly that she could do nothing more but to agree with him. "Yeah, you're right...", she mumbled. She had experienced herself how much Susan meant to Jesse. And the other way around. Why did things like those always have to be so complicated?
A slight sarcastic laugh escaped from her lips. "We're are truly great at stating the obvious, ain't we? I mean, god, listen to us! We're talking about him as though is...as though he is already..." He didn't dare to speak out the word, fearing that it would become reality by the time she gave it an expression.
Steve secretly had to admitt that the thought had crossed his mind, even more than once in the past hours. He just couldn't fight the picture of his shirt being soaked with blood, he still saw his friend's pale face as Steve had practically screamed at him to hold on while carrying him up the stairs.
Mark Sloan's face had ashened so extremely that Alex was about to reach out his hand as support a few times to make sure that the older doctor wouldn't stumble on his way through the corridors, but everytime he intended to do so, he had gotten his senses back just in time. Mark surely wouldn't allow Alex to lean him a hand as much as he maybe needed it.
Mark knew that he had to pretend strength at least long enough to tell Steve, Amanda and Susan about Jesse's state and until that wasn't done, he would keep his posture. The role of the doctor. The objective doctor who presented a whole lot of medical facts, explaining the truth to the worried relatives. Then he would take care of himself. At the same time, Mark was still in shock. The sound of the never ending beep when Jesse had suddenly had a flat line remained still in his ears. In the seconds between the flat line and the moment they had had a weak heart rythm back on the monitor Mark hadn't been sure if it wasn't also his heart that had stopped beating for a moment.
Entering the lounge, he found his son and Amanda staring into their mugs as though it was the Superbowl finale, even with far less excitement though, and Susan still asleep on the sofa. Two pairs of eyes looked up at Alex, who was only a few steps behind him, and him and scrutinized them intensely as though they hoped to read an answer for all their questions written somewhere on their shirts or so. Mark could remember seeing the same look in Jesse's eyes weeks ago and realizing that hit him like a flash. Hadn't he sensed at that time that it was only the beginning of something?
Steve cleared his throat which suddenly seemed to be very dry. "Dad?"
Mark's look wandered to each of them and remained on an invisible object far away. "He's alright for the moment. Lost a lot of blood, though. The coming hours will be absolutely critical...", he informed them.
Steve was shocked by the trance his father seemed to be in. The fact he had given them had sounded like a chain of necessary informations you would find in any chart. They hadn't sounded like his father at all. Steve slowly got up from his chair and came closer to his father. Building up in front of Mark, he gently grabbed him by the shoulders. "Dad, are you okay?"
It was only now that Mark really appeared to notice him and his eyes focussed on Steve. "Son...", he mumbled and out of a sudden impulse he didn't speak on, but did something he had rarely ever done for ages. In fatherly intuition he pulled his son into a hug and Steve was too astonished to even fight against it. And somehow he felt that he had also needed that. There were times when even the Sloan's hated their responsibilities.
After an eternity that neither Amanda nor Alex had dared to interrupt, the two let go off each other and Mark went over to the couch, knowing that there was still another task waiting for him. He sat down next to Susan and touched her shoulder softly. She woke up after a while and took in her surroundings, slightly disorientated at first. But when she saw the tired face of the older man in front of her the memory returned faster than she sort her mind. The sat up immediatly and saw stars for moment. "Mark? How is he?", she asked, pleadingly.
Aware of the fact that he wasn't to make the same mistake again, Mark took a deep breath and collected his thoughts. "Susan...to be honest, it's too early to tell. He is a critcal state...", he trailed off.
Susan bit on her lip. Her thoughts were out of order, everything was messed up in her head. Pictures of Jesse flickered through her mind within seconds, a never ending line of images. She didn't even realize how the first tear escaped her eye and rolled down her cheek. Follow by a second one. Slowly she turned around to face Steve who stood across the room. "You've got Danny?", she asked with tear-stiffled voice.
Steve nodded calmingly. "Yeah! Yeah, don't worry, we've got him!", saying those words, he was a little relieved himself. Yeah, they had him! But if they had got him in time was still about to show...
Susan drew a deep breath. Now she had to be strong. For once in her life she couldn't just run away. She had done that so often and only hurt people with that. Now she had to stay. Jesse had been there for her, after all she had done to him, he had still been there for her, and now it was her turn. Now she had to there for him. "C...can I see Jesse?", she stammered.
Mark nodded reassuringly. "Of course...come with me!"
It was not much later that Susan had settled next to Jesse's bed. The young man looked horribly pale and breathing seemed to hurt him as there were small tremor send through his body with every rising of his chest. Mark had left after he had made sure that she was okay. Now she was alone with her thoughts and her ex-boyfriend who as she suddenly realized hadn't changed in one year.
He still looked younger than he was, still a blonde touseled mob of hair, the same figure. It was just his lifelessness right now that scared the hell out of her. She rather wanted to have him back, lifely, a bit over- enthusiastic, boyish and yeah, simply lovely.
Rob had been totally different, it shot through her mind and at the same she hated herself for thinking of him now. Yet she couldn't help it. Rob had been grown-up, earnest, a man you admired for what he did, but not loved for what he was. Rob, as she suddenly realized, had been a mistake. A play, a game she admitted to...to run away. Again.
Susan remembered the last question Jesse had asked her:"Why the hell did you come back?"
He was right. He deserved to know. He needed to know. She owed him that. "You know...", she started, looking at the fragile figure in the bed, "...you wanna know why I came back?"
She waited for a reply and sighed inwardly when there was nothing but silence. Somehow she had hoped he would open his eyes and look at her and say yes. Or at least nod. "I came back because I realized that Rob had been a mistake. Leaving you had been a mistake. And only came back to apologize to you..for what I did to you. I certainly didn't want to bother you again. And now looked at this...it seems as though everything I start sooner or later turns out to be mess. I'm sorry, Jess, that's all my fault. It always seems to be my fault...", she added remorsefully.
She looked at him and sighed deeply. She had surpress the sobs again and swallowed hard. "Please, you've gotta wake up, this can't be your way to say good-bye!", she insisted and then something slipped out of her mouth father than she could even think. "I need you!"
There was still no movement.
It was early in the morning when Steve carefully peeked into the room to find Susan still awake. Mark had been there every hour, checked on Jesse, talked to him. Now, after his last visit, the older doctor had slumped into the couch in the lounge exhaustedly and fallen asleep there next to Amanda. Steve didn't have the heart to wake him up and taken his turn.
"Hey!", he said softly while entering the room.
Susan looked up at him and smiled weakly. "Still no change?", he inquired, however, already sensing the frustrating answer.
She shook her head. She had been sitting here for hours, unable to sleep, only following the jumping line of Jesse's heart monitor with her gaze. She had been biting on her nails once again, a thing she always did and that had used to drive Jesse mad about as much as he had driven her crazy with cracking knuckles.
"You want me to stay here so that you can go and eat something? Or shall I bring you some rice cakes..", the half-hearted joke had escaped him before he could prevent it. She whirled around and he grimaced apologetically, but was relieved to find that she only smiled.
"You still remember that?", she asked, unbelieving.
"Sure I do!", he replied. "I mean, that was realy that first time that I chased living deads with my main evidence being a suitcase of rice cakes...", he winked friendly.
"That was the last diet I ever made...", Susan grinned slightly.
"And bet I was really happy about that!", suddenly croaked someone. The third voice that had cut in their friendly teasing startled Steve and Susan that both of them forgot to close their mouths.
Steve was the first to find his speech. "Jess?...", he asked, still not believing really it.
"No, Balu the bear!", came the dry reply from Jesse, whose eyes were opened, still narrowed because the light blinded him, but you could already recognise a small sparkle in them again. His chest hurt and the breathing mask didn't make talking much easier for him, nevertheless he smiled weakly.
He now felt a squeeze on his hand and turned his head to the side. "Hey there", whispered Susan, holding his hand tightly.
"Hey...you're here?" It seemed to be more a question than a statement.
She nodded. "Yes, I am here!" For now that seemed to be enough. For now it was as easy as that.
Mark woken up soon after he had fallen asleep on the couch in the lounge and realized for the first time how exhausting the past hours had been for him and also his friends. Amanda had slept next to him, but opened her eyes when he got up to go and see his friend again. This time she wanted to join him, no matter how scared she was of what she would witness there. Opening the door and sneaking in while trying not to make too much noise, both frozw in the middle of a movement as their hearts seemed to miss a beat. Mark stared in confusion at Jesse, before his frown settled into a warm and relieved smile. "Hey! So you finally decided to come around!", he greeted his friend, settling on the other site of the bed. Jesse grinned knowingly, a mischievous answer already tresent on his lips. If his chest hadn't hurt so much, he would have giggled.
"Sure! Or did you really think I wanted to miss that sight!", he threw Steve a gleefull look. "Nice to see that you changed your opinion about scrubs!"
Steve shot him a short glance. "Not really voluntarily, though!", he answered, smling wryly. "You really scared the hell outta us. Good to have you back!"
Two weeks later
"Dad!", sounded Steve's voice from the bottom of the stairs. In shiny mood the lieutenant entered the kitchen to meet his father standing in front of the refrigator and Amanda, looking slightly helpless, next to him. "Look what I have bought!", Steve announced happily.
Mark's look lightened immediatly. "Oh great, the vegetables I forgot!"
Steve grimaced disappointedly. "Uh no...but I've finally bought ketch-up!" Grinning, he lifted two bottles of red souce while Mark's gaze dropped.
"Oh great!", the older man remarked dryly. "So our survival would be saved for the coming two weeks!"
"Hey, you said I should buy ketch-up!", Steve argued, putting the two bottles ontp the kitchen counter. "Oh, by the way, I'm just coming from the prosecuting attorneys, Danny Corrings has confessed everything. He never got over Susan giving evidence in the trial against him, so he wanted to take revenge...we ain't gonna see him again..."
"That's great news!", Mark said, smiling relievedly.
"I'm only happy that this nightmare is finally over!", Amanda added and earned agreeing nods from her friends.
It was over now. Their friends were save again. Finally there were no sleepless nights anymore and that numb weak-and sadness that had hung over them like a heavy cloud was washed away by now. Of course, they all knew, there were some things to be sorted out, but in those, at that point they'd all agreed, they wouldn't meddle. It was up to Jesse how he would deal with his experience and his future.
Knowing the things were out of their hands, the four of them quickly returned their attention to their meal which still caused some problems.
"So...are we gonna eat eggs with ketch-up?", Mark asked rethorically and raised one eyebrow. He and Amanda looked at Steve who shrugged. "What?"
When their gazes remained on him, he lifted his hands appeasingly. "Okay...okay...forget about the ketch-up, I'm just gonna order some pizzas, alright?!"
"Great choice, son!"
In the meanwhile Jesse and Susan had taken a walk along the beach. For a long time they had only been walking next to each other, their hands stuck in their pockets as though they were rooted there. Their bare feet made their way through the moist sand and their trousers were already a bit wet since they had been strolling near the line where the breakers rolled onto the beach. The ocean reflected the red light of the sunset and it was already beginning to get colder.
None of them had dared to speak, they both were to much afraid of what they were about to say and to what a discussion might lead. Now that things were going back to normal they had to sort some things.
Jesse suddenly stood still and turned to look at her. "What went wrong with us?" The question sounded rather childish once he had spoken it out, but it had been bothering him all the time.
Susan remained silent for a moment. To be honest she didn't know it herself. She shrugged. "Actually I don't know...I think we were just too different...in what we wanted, what we expected..."
He sighed. "Still the old thing...getting married and stuff?"
She shook her head. "It wasn't only that...it was...you never made plans for anything....or maybe I made too much...dunno, I had the feeling that I was bother to you..."
He smiled sadly. "And thought that I was bother to you...", he made a break and stared out onto the ocean. "You know...sometimes I have the feeling that relationships are just..."
"Beyond you...", she ended the sentence for him and as he gave her a surprised look, she almost had to laugh. "I know the feeling..same over here!"
"I dunno...like...I...I...I still need you...", he stammered and blushed. He didn't know what else to say. So he had just tried the truth.
"I need you, too....I just don't know if that is enough...", she stated, but it sounded less firmly than she had hoped.
"What if I said it was..."
"Then I'd say that you're being naive!", she replied, smiling though.
"That's said to be one of my best characteristics!", retorted and continued after a while of silence. "Guess we're stuck..."
She nodded, bowing her head. "Guess you're right!"
The waves roared and the sun now had performed into a red fireball that slowly sank into the Pacific. Seagulls could be seen as small point on the horizon, the breeze had become stronger.
"Guess that's why they call it the blues...", Jesse mumbled, very quietly.
Susan frowned at him. "Do you really think it's the moment to recite brit- pop-songs?"
"Time on my hands could be time spent with you...", Jesse went on, only reciting the next line of the song in an absent-minded voice.
"Laughing like children, living like lovers...", murmured Susan, eyeing up to him. Both of them couldn't help but giggling. There was just a rightness about this, a feeling they both hadn't had for a very long time.
Slowly, very slowly, his right hand moved out of pocket and towards her left, their fingers touched and jamed into each other. So they stood, holding each other's hands tightly while the waves splashed around their feet. For now it was as easy as that.
THE END
Hey, I kinda left this as an open end (though you can surely see my tendency to a happy end *g*) so that everyone can think of an end that you like personally. I hope that you enjoyed the story a bit and wanted to tell you how much I appreciated your reviews and mails all the time! Thank you!!