TITLE: Curiosity Killed the.
AUTHOR: Spwaddict
E-MAIL: brackish60518@yahoo.com
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Giles tries to get to know Anya the only way he knows how. By
asking.
SPOILERS: Takes place somewhere in season 5.that's it.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything. No, really I don't. I had to go to a
public library just to type this. It gets so cold in my cardboard box.
FEEDBACK: Well, if you insist.sure.
I asked her once.
I asked her what she was like as a demon. It was just curiosity but that soon grew when she didn't answer. She said it didn't matter, because it wasn't who she was anymore. I knew better. Anya was who Xander dated, but Anyanka ran through her blood. I know what it's like to try and hide a piece of your self. Your true self.
I asked her once.
I asked her when her Birthday was. Her eyes went distant and she thought about it.
"I don't know." Her voice was small, and then she looked at me, putting on her plastic smile. She thought I didn't notice. "Calendars have changed quite a bit since I was human. We used to tell time with chicken blood. Don't ask." She laughed a little then went back behind the counter at the Magick Box.
But I never stopped asking.
I asked her if it was hard to not even remember your own birthday. She laughed her forced laugh and said no.
After that, she announced that July fourth would be her birthday.
I asked her once if she had any brothers or sisters. What her parents were like. Who was her first kiss. What village she was from. If it was hard to be human after so many centuries of killing them. If it was hard to trust men, after so many reasons not to. Was it hard to trust Xander. To trust me.
Then, finally she asked me.
She asked me why I cared. Why it mattered who she was. I wanted to tell her the truth. That I knew there's more to her. She was human once, and she was a demon once. And I wanted to know both. I wanted to know why she jumps when she doesn't see me behind her. Why she looks so lost. I wanted to know what I could do to help her.
So, of course I lie.
I tell her that I'm just curious.
She tells me curiosity killed the cat.
She tries to walk out of the storage room, but I grab her before she can. I'm holding onto her arm, hoping to get the courage to tell her the truth. Wondering why it's so hard for me. And she looks at me.
Her eyes are not plastic or fake. Not lost or scared. She looks at me with Anyanka's eyes. I thought she had forgotten who she was, but now I see that she was just hiding it. Pretending to be normal by acting ignorant. It must hurt her to know that she could never really pull it off. At least not to me.
She's answered all my questions.
"You shouldn't want to know about me." Her voice changes and her eyes darken. I suddenly wonder how many men those eyes have struck fear into.
"I've seen things you can't possibly imagine. Things men have done.the things I've done to men. Only a fool would want to know the real me."
I'm the biggest fool of all.
"If they knew." Her voice cracks, and I know she's breaking down. "Buffy, she would kill me. Xander would never touch me again. You would never." Her face falls, realizing what she's saying. Realizing that it's true.
"Don't touch me."
She turns her back to me, but she can't hide. I don't need to see her tears; I can feel them. I place my hands on her shoulders and she cringes away. I've noticed how she cringes when anybody but Xander touches her. I've noticed now how I'm the only one who's tried.
I turn her around, facing her. Making her face me. She looks down, determined to avoid my eyes.
"T-there's nothing about me that's good. I can't tell you--.This is why you can't know me. Everything about me is evil."
I lift her chin and red eyes meet mine.
I ask her what her favorite color is.
Her face shows surprise for a moment, then she smiles sadly. The first real smile I've ever seen her make.
"A real evil color."
I laugh and ask what kind of color would be evil.
"Pink."
I ask what her favorite food is; she says sushi.
I ask what toothpaste she uses; she says Crest.
I ask how she takes her coffee; she says cream and sugar, because otherwise it tastes foul.
I ask what she dreams about at night; she says her past.
I ask her if I'm the only one who's ever asked.she says yes.
I asked her once.
I asked her what she was like as a demon. It was just curiosity but that soon grew when she didn't answer. She said it didn't matter, because it wasn't who she was anymore. I knew better. Anya was who Xander dated, but Anyanka ran through her blood. I know what it's like to try and hide a piece of your self. Your true self.
I asked her once.
I asked her when her Birthday was. Her eyes went distant and she thought about it.
"I don't know." Her voice was small, and then she looked at me, putting on her plastic smile. She thought I didn't notice. "Calendars have changed quite a bit since I was human. We used to tell time with chicken blood. Don't ask." She laughed a little then went back behind the counter at the Magick Box.
But I never stopped asking.
I asked her if it was hard to not even remember your own birthday. She laughed her forced laugh and said no.
After that, she announced that July fourth would be her birthday.
I asked her once if she had any brothers or sisters. What her parents were like. Who was her first kiss. What village she was from. If it was hard to be human after so many centuries of killing them. If it was hard to trust men, after so many reasons not to. Was it hard to trust Xander. To trust me.
Then, finally she asked me.
She asked me why I cared. Why it mattered who she was. I wanted to tell her the truth. That I knew there's more to her. She was human once, and she was a demon once. And I wanted to know both. I wanted to know why she jumps when she doesn't see me behind her. Why she looks so lost. I wanted to know what I could do to help her.
So, of course I lie.
I tell her that I'm just curious.
She tells me curiosity killed the cat.
She tries to walk out of the storage room, but I grab her before she can. I'm holding onto her arm, hoping to get the courage to tell her the truth. Wondering why it's so hard for me. And she looks at me.
Her eyes are not plastic or fake. Not lost or scared. She looks at me with Anyanka's eyes. I thought she had forgotten who she was, but now I see that she was just hiding it. Pretending to be normal by acting ignorant. It must hurt her to know that she could never really pull it off. At least not to me.
She's answered all my questions.
"You shouldn't want to know about me." Her voice changes and her eyes darken. I suddenly wonder how many men those eyes have struck fear into.
"I've seen things you can't possibly imagine. Things men have done.the things I've done to men. Only a fool would want to know the real me."
I'm the biggest fool of all.
"If they knew." Her voice cracks, and I know she's breaking down. "Buffy, she would kill me. Xander would never touch me again. You would never." Her face falls, realizing what she's saying. Realizing that it's true.
"Don't touch me."
She turns her back to me, but she can't hide. I don't need to see her tears; I can feel them. I place my hands on her shoulders and she cringes away. I've noticed how she cringes when anybody but Xander touches her. I've noticed now how I'm the only one who's tried.
I turn her around, facing her. Making her face me. She looks down, determined to avoid my eyes.
"T-there's nothing about me that's good. I can't tell you--.This is why you can't know me. Everything about me is evil."
I lift her chin and red eyes meet mine.
I ask her what her favorite color is.
Her face shows surprise for a moment, then she smiles sadly. The first real smile I've ever seen her make.
"A real evil color."
I laugh and ask what kind of color would be evil.
"Pink."
I ask what her favorite food is; she says sushi.
I ask what toothpaste she uses; she says Crest.
I ask how she takes her coffee; she says cream and sugar, because otherwise it tastes foul.
I ask what she dreams about at night; she says her past.
I ask her if I'm the only one who's ever asked.she says yes.