Redemption
Written - 8/20/02
Summary - It's the anniversary of the encounter with the Equinox and Noah Lessing has something special in mind to mark the occasion.
Rating - PG
Chapter 10
The following morning, Captain Kathryn Janeway stood in front of the mirror in her bedroom smoothing the last of the barely noticeable wrinkles in her uniform jacket. Chakotay and Tuvok would be here in 15 minutes for her meeting with Lessing. For her part, she was confident and unafraid. However, was she right about Lessing? Would he be interested in a second chance and willing to accept her forgiveness? Then again, who needed the forgiveness more? Would he be willing to offer his?
The interrogation from two days before was still fresh in her mind. While she had done a Herculean job of maintaining her command presence and composure, recalling the events of a year ago so publicly had hurt her deeply. She guessed that she had deserved it in a way, and maybe all of it was a catharsis of sorts, a way to purge the demons and the guilt finally and for all time. It was ironic really. She had told Chakotay that a year was a long time for Lessing to carry around so much anger, and here she was, doing a similar thing herself, only what she had carried was guilt.
She shrugged her shoulders and lifted her hand to rub the back of her neck, desperately trying to relieve the physical symptoms of her tension. She turned and walked to the living area just as the door chime sounded. "Come in." She said to the air.
The door opened admitting her first officer and her tactical officer, both also close friends. She wondered whether either of them would try one last time to talk her out of this. To their credit, they did not.
"Ready Captain?" inquired Chakotay.
She nodded and in silence, the three of them headed to the turbolift.
A few minutes later they approached Lessing's quarters and Kathryn could see the security guards standing outside. She and her two escorts stopped before the door. She in the front, flanked by both of her officers. "This is where we part company gentlemen."
Chakotay responded first, "Now wait just a damn minute."
"You heard me. I'm doing this alone." She said over her shoulder, turning just enough to make eye contact with the two of them in turn. "Just exactly what kind of message do you think it would send if I take the two of you in there with me? This is about trust. His trust in me and mine in him. If both of us are ever to move beyond this, then I have to do this alone. I'll keep the comm channel open, and I promise I'll keep my distance from him until I'm sure there is no danger."
Chakotay looked pleadingly at Tuvok for his support but found none, "I see no flaw in her logic Commander. I too am concerned for her safety, but to prevent her from doing this on the basis of our concern alone would be an error in judgement."
She looked from one face to the other, waited for a moment for an answering protest, but heard none. "Thank you gentlemen." Then turning back toward the door she took a deep breath, sounded the chime and entered.
She found Noah Lessing standing quietly in the corner of his quarters, looking out a small viewport. Crew quarters on Voyager were small, but better than most. Noah was one of the lucky ones whose cabin was in such a location on one of the lower decks that he even had the luxury of a view to the stars. She hated to interrupt his musing but she wasn't in the mood to wait. "Crewman?" she said softly.
He spun on his heels as he recognized her voice, "You." Noah was genuinely surprised to see her. He still had a long way to go to sort things out, but when he had finally gotten over the withdrawal symptoms, he had really and truly hated himself when the realization of what he had done dawned on him. He had trouble looking himself in the mirror and he was plagued with flashbacks of his physical abuse of the woman before him. What could possibly have driven him to what he had done? Looking at her now only made things worse.
The word hung in the air as she watched Noah carefully for what he would do next. She wasn't entirely sure whether it was a statement or an accusation. "May I come in, I thought we should talk."
"I'd have thought you'd had enough of that recently." He kept his voice even, no sarcasm, but no warmth either.
"Perhaps Noah, perhaps." She looked briefly at the floor and then back to him, "I came to see you because I was concerned. I think we have some things to discuss before we can all put the Equinox in our past once and for all."
He genuinely looked surprised, "You're serious aren't you, you really want to talk?"
"Yes I do, very much. May I sit down?" She had asked the question for two reasons. First and foremost, she wanted this to be as comfortable for both of them as possible. But there was also the fact that she wasn't sure she'd have the strength to stand for however long this might take. She was still a full day short of completing her convalescence and she felt it. It might be compromising her safety somewhat, as it would limit her mobility, but it was a risk she was willing to take based on his behavior so far.
He motioned to a chair in the sitting area but said nothing.
"Won't you join me?" she inquired.
"I'd rather stand." He said simply. He had no intention of being close to her, of having such an up close and personal reminder of his reprehensible behavior.
"Very well then." She made herself comfortable and asked, "I gather you're surprised to see me?"
Noah began to pace, "A little, I had heard that you were on sick leave, recovering."
"To tell you the truth, I still am." He stopped his pacing and looked at her. "But I felt this was more important, don't you agree?"
She was apparently full of surprises for him. If she was violating the doctor's orders to be here, this must really be important to her. Truth be told, he was afraid, of her, of himself, of what he had done. He had convinced himself that he would face her wrath, not her kindness. After all, he had certainly been on the receiving end of it before and it had nearly cost him his life. Even so, he had now done the same to her hadn't he? Maybe they were even. He would have to think on that. There was still some anger in him. It was much diminished, and not chemically enhanced, but there nonetheless. Never breaking eye contact with her he moved to the chair opposite her and sat.
Janeway knew that the fact he took a seat was a good sign. At least that he was not in a frame of mind to attack her, for the moment at any rate she felt safe. "Noah, I hardly know where to start. As you say, so much has been said recently, but for all the wrong reasons and with too much of an audience. I've also gotten a full report from the doctor on your. condition. We both know that much of that relates to what happened a year ago. I felt we needed to sort things out, just the two of us. If you're willing."
He stared at her, as if in a trance, then dropped his gaze to the floor and nodded.
With that began the healing process, for both of them. Over the next hour, they talked, well, mostly she did, but he listened, really listened. He even made them coffee, a peace offering of sorts.
When they had accomplished all they could for the time being, largely because she was obviously tiring, she attempted to stand and found it a struggle. All at once she felt a hand on her arm and turned to look directly into Noah's face. "Are you alright Captain?"
She gladly accepted his assistance, and when she was fully on her feet, she placed her hand over his "I will be Noah. And so will you, just give it time."
He escorted her to the door, which opened upon her voice command. Both of her officers looked as though they hadn't moved a muscle from the time she left them. Both of them also had the strangest look on their faces seeing their captain being escorted by a man so recently a cruel adversary.
She tuned back to face Noah as she left the room, "We'll talk again."
"I'll look forward to it."
Then the door closed leaving her to the attention of her officers and Noah returned to his confinement.
"Kathryn, are you alright, you look tired?" Asked Chakotay as the three of them headed back toward her quarters.
She looked up at him thoughtfully, "I am, but it was worth it. I think he'll be fine in time."
=/\=
They walked at a comfortable pace back to her quarters where Tuvok excused himself with a reminder for her to follow the doctor's orders and get some much needed rest.
"He can really be the worst mother hen can't he, who would have thought it of a Vulcan?" said Janeway once Tuvok was out of ear shot.
Chakotay smiled, "He's just concerned about you. Are you sure you're alright?"
She thought for a moment and then decided she really would enjoy some company right now. "Care for a nightcap Commander?" She said as she entered the code for her door.
"I'd love one, but since when is alcohol on one of the doctor's recovery plans?"
"It's not, let's just consider this Captain's prerogative," entering her quarters through the now open door she continued over her shoulder, "and if you tell him I'll have you drawn and quartered."
Chakotay held his hands up in mock defense. "I'll keep that in mind."
"Have a seat." She said indicating the sofa. "I'll be right back."
Almost before Chakotay was finished making himself comfortable, Kathryn Janeway was back with two steaming mugs in her hands.
Chakotay was somewhat puzzled, "I thought you said."
She smiled broadly at him as she leaned over and handed him a mug and then approached a chair opposite him with her own. "Just try it."
He watched her gingerly lower herself into her chair, an unmistakable reminder of just how close she had come to not being here at all. Lifting the mug to his lips he sipped the warm liquid carefully and was pleasantly surprised with the taste. "Mmmmm. This tastes like a mulled cider." then her looked her in the eye, "with a kick."
"Good guess." She said over the lip of her own mug, taking a sip herself. "Old Janeway family recipe. We have a number of apple trees on the property in Indiana and we made cider every fall. My mother still does. She always saved some out of the batch to spice up a bit, so to speak. Good isn't it?"
"It's wonderful Kathryn, and might I say, just what the doctor ordered. Well, maybe not in your case, but."
She laughed aloud. "I see your point. Let's consider this medicinal, for my mental health if nothing else. By the way, I'm glad you like it. It took me forever to program the replicator to make it. See my mother never divulged the recipe to anyone, and when I asked her for it, she admitted that she had never written it down. So the next time she made it, I offered to help and watched her intently."
"Tastes as though your mission was a success." Chakotay said, then took another long sip.
"If you think this is good, you should try the real thing. The kick in the recipe is a rare Cognac. While mine is good, the replicator simply can't hope to exactly duplicate what can be done by hand with real ingredients. My mother is a simply amazing cook and makes almost everything from scratch. I never appreciated that until I went off to the academy and had a fairly steady diet of replicated food for the first time in my life."
Chakotay smiled broadly. "I know exactly what you mean. I grew up on an almost exclusive diet of native foods. Everything grown and prepared by hand. My first week at the academy, I thought I'd die from food poisoning. My system couldn't handle it."
"Sounds as though we have something in common." She said as she leaned back in her chair, lifted her legs and crossed her ankles, setting them down on the coffee table in front of her. "I wanted so badly to go to the academy. Started working toward that goal as a young child. Part of it had to do with following in my father's footsteps, but it was so much more than that." She looked away from him then and into her mug as if she could see the bottom through the hot liquid. "While I always knew I would end up at the academy so I could pursue my scientific interests, there was a fringe benefit. I resented my parents and my traditional upbringing and was bound and determined I could break away from that by getting into Starfleet. Ironic isn't it. Almost from the start of my life in Starfleet I began to miss aspects of a way of life I thought I was escaping."
Chakotay smiled and nodded his agreement. "I know exactly how you feel." He was amazed. He couldn't have expressed it better himself. They obviously did have more in common than they knew. It was also interesting that after all their years out here, and even after becoming what he would classify as close friends with thousands of light-years of conversation behind them, they had never tripped over this before.
For a while no one spoke, and the silence fell over the room like the darkness of an approaching storm. Chakotay had experienced this many times since knowing this woman. She wanted to talk, that much was obvious, but somehow she always found it difficult to start, especially when she herself were the topic of conversation. So without hesitation, her first officer took the plunge. "By the way Kathryn, I haven't really had the chance to tell you this, but you should be extremely proud of the way you handled yourself with Lessing. I'm just sorry you had to go through all that."
Her grip on her mug tightened almost imperceptibly and her eyes closed. He was right. It was time they discussed this. That was after all why she had invited him in, but as usual, she had not known quite where to start. Taking a long breath, she looked up slowly.
Chakotay thought he caught just the slightest glimmer of moisture in the corners of her eyes and felt a lump form in his own throat in response. This woman, his captain and friend, had been through a horrendous experience. Now that the business of the whole thing had largely been taken care of, whether by choice or not, it was finally sinking in on an emotional level.
"Yes, I can think of more productive ways for crewmembers to express a grievance with the Captain can't you?"
Chakotay leaned forward and rested his forearms on his knees. "Kathryn, there's more to you asking me in than small talk and cider. What's bothering you?"
She looked closely at him, reminding herself just how much she trusted this man and his friendship. "I'm not sure I ever actually told you I was sorry. I tried to in sickbay, but it was so hard to concentrate."
Looking puzzled, he returned the intensity of her gaze. "Sorry for what?"
"For the way I treated you during our episode with Ransom and the Equinox. For going more than just a little off the deep end with my obsession to bring him to justice."
She really must be tired for her to be dredging up all this again, but he certainly understood why it was bothering her. "You've said it a hundred times my friend. Maybe not in those exact words, but in others. It's also been evident in your actions. You have been different since then, and if I might say so, a better Captain, although a bit reclusive. Stop torturing yourself."
"Maybe you're right." She said, running her right index finger around the rim of her mug.
"There's no maybe about it. If there was still any doubt about your motivations as far as the crew was concerned, that little speech of yours to Lessing has put that firmly to rest. I've talked to a lot of the crew since then. Your honesty, integrity and strength came shining through every fiber of your being. I've been a captain too, remember? I know what it's like if you take the job seriously and you care about your people. Even at that, I cannot possibly know exactly what it's been like for you all these years. What you said gave all of us a better understanding of what you've been through, what makes you tick, and that your human like the rest of us. You care about these people Kathryn, and you've sacrificed a lot to make sure they have a life here as well as a chance to make it home. They know that now more than ever. They respect you for it."
Janeway moved her feet from the table to the floor and leaned forward long enough to set down her rapidly cooling drink. "Now who's giving speeches Commander." Then she rose to her feet and moved to stand in front of the viewport and look out at the stars.
Chakotay knew she wasn't upset with him. There was no malice in her voice.
He set his mug down and followed her. When he had moved directly behind her he continued, "No speeches, just fact. If nothing else, Lessing's little trial was a blessing in disguise. Everything is now out in the open. There are no more secrets, no unknowns. You may have been found guilty, but of nothing more than being human. And I for one am convinced that you've served your sentence many times over. Time to move on." He lifted his right hand and placed it on her shoulder.
She turned toward him and looked up into his eyes. "Thank you Chakotay."
"You are indeed welcome. And by the way, thank you."
She wrinkled her brow, "What for?"
He smiled at her. "Just for being who you are."
They stood staring at each other for a long moment and then she lurched forward, a profound fatigue taking control of every fiber of her being. Chakotay reached to support her, turning her until she rested against him, his arm around her waist.
"Now, time to call it a day. You're exhausted and just looking at you is making me tired." He turned her toward her bedroom as he led her through her quarters. "Get a good night's sleep. By the way, I don't want to see you on the bridge until tomorrow afternoon at the earliest."
They had reached the doorway to her bedroom and she stopped and turned to face him again. "Deal."
Chakotay pulled away and headed toward the main door. "I can show myself out. Thanks for the cider." With that, he was gone, the doors swishing shut behind him.
Kathryn Janeway turned into her bedroom shedding her jacket as she went, tossing it to a lounge chair in the corner. She then sat on the bed and removed her shoes. It was as far as she got. She simply didn't have the energy to undress and re-dress in her nightgown. With one hand she reached under the pillows and pulled down the bedcovers, sliding underneath with ease. As she snuggled into her pillow and pulled the covers closer around her, she was at peace for the first time in a very long time and she drifted off to sleep with a smile on her face.
=/\=
Fourteen weeks later, Kathryn Janeway stood up and walked purposely from behind the desk in her ready room through the door to the bridge in time to greet the other members of alpha shift. As she strode to her seat, she made eye contact with the science officer manning the station on the far side of the bridge. Noah Lessing smiled and acknowledged her with a nod, then went to work, his first day as a science officer on the alpha shift only begun. His recovery had been difficult, and there was still a long way to go, but with the help of Voyager's executive officers, the EMH, and several friends, he'd managed to return to duty. She had been very proud when Chakotay and the Doctor had submitted the request to place him on the normal shift rotation for bridge duty. Noah had worked very hard and earned the privilege. She had approved it without a moment's hesitation.
As she took her place in her command chair, Chakotay leaned toward her and said, "Congratulations Kathryn, another lost soul redeemed."
She met his eyes with an intensity he knew well, "More than one Chakotay. This time, more than one."
THE END
Author's note: Substance abuse is an insidious and destructive disease that has effected more than a few of the people I have been close to in my life, and it has destroyed or taken the lives of more than one. Often, those directly effected are some of the most extraordinarily beautiful souls I have ever had the privilege to know. What happened to Noah Lessing in this story, happens every minute of every day in the lives of some, who for whatever reason, choose to use controlled substances to face each day. They not only harm themselves, but they exact a terrible toll on those around them, on those that love them, both physically and emotionally. For those of you in the clutches of this monster, please seek help, and never give up on yourself. For those of you who have never gotten involved with such things, stay that way. And for those of you who know or care about someone who has not admitted they have a problem, I pray you find the courage to make them see the truth.
Written - 8/20/02
Summary - It's the anniversary of the encounter with the Equinox and Noah Lessing has something special in mind to mark the occasion.
Rating - PG
Chapter 10
The following morning, Captain Kathryn Janeway stood in front of the mirror in her bedroom smoothing the last of the barely noticeable wrinkles in her uniform jacket. Chakotay and Tuvok would be here in 15 minutes for her meeting with Lessing. For her part, she was confident and unafraid. However, was she right about Lessing? Would he be interested in a second chance and willing to accept her forgiveness? Then again, who needed the forgiveness more? Would he be willing to offer his?
The interrogation from two days before was still fresh in her mind. While she had done a Herculean job of maintaining her command presence and composure, recalling the events of a year ago so publicly had hurt her deeply. She guessed that she had deserved it in a way, and maybe all of it was a catharsis of sorts, a way to purge the demons and the guilt finally and for all time. It was ironic really. She had told Chakotay that a year was a long time for Lessing to carry around so much anger, and here she was, doing a similar thing herself, only what she had carried was guilt.
She shrugged her shoulders and lifted her hand to rub the back of her neck, desperately trying to relieve the physical symptoms of her tension. She turned and walked to the living area just as the door chime sounded. "Come in." She said to the air.
The door opened admitting her first officer and her tactical officer, both also close friends. She wondered whether either of them would try one last time to talk her out of this. To their credit, they did not.
"Ready Captain?" inquired Chakotay.
She nodded and in silence, the three of them headed to the turbolift.
A few minutes later they approached Lessing's quarters and Kathryn could see the security guards standing outside. She and her two escorts stopped before the door. She in the front, flanked by both of her officers. "This is where we part company gentlemen."
Chakotay responded first, "Now wait just a damn minute."
"You heard me. I'm doing this alone." She said over her shoulder, turning just enough to make eye contact with the two of them in turn. "Just exactly what kind of message do you think it would send if I take the two of you in there with me? This is about trust. His trust in me and mine in him. If both of us are ever to move beyond this, then I have to do this alone. I'll keep the comm channel open, and I promise I'll keep my distance from him until I'm sure there is no danger."
Chakotay looked pleadingly at Tuvok for his support but found none, "I see no flaw in her logic Commander. I too am concerned for her safety, but to prevent her from doing this on the basis of our concern alone would be an error in judgement."
She looked from one face to the other, waited for a moment for an answering protest, but heard none. "Thank you gentlemen." Then turning back toward the door she took a deep breath, sounded the chime and entered.
She found Noah Lessing standing quietly in the corner of his quarters, looking out a small viewport. Crew quarters on Voyager were small, but better than most. Noah was one of the lucky ones whose cabin was in such a location on one of the lower decks that he even had the luxury of a view to the stars. She hated to interrupt his musing but she wasn't in the mood to wait. "Crewman?" she said softly.
He spun on his heels as he recognized her voice, "You." Noah was genuinely surprised to see her. He still had a long way to go to sort things out, but when he had finally gotten over the withdrawal symptoms, he had really and truly hated himself when the realization of what he had done dawned on him. He had trouble looking himself in the mirror and he was plagued with flashbacks of his physical abuse of the woman before him. What could possibly have driven him to what he had done? Looking at her now only made things worse.
The word hung in the air as she watched Noah carefully for what he would do next. She wasn't entirely sure whether it was a statement or an accusation. "May I come in, I thought we should talk."
"I'd have thought you'd had enough of that recently." He kept his voice even, no sarcasm, but no warmth either.
"Perhaps Noah, perhaps." She looked briefly at the floor and then back to him, "I came to see you because I was concerned. I think we have some things to discuss before we can all put the Equinox in our past once and for all."
He genuinely looked surprised, "You're serious aren't you, you really want to talk?"
"Yes I do, very much. May I sit down?" She had asked the question for two reasons. First and foremost, she wanted this to be as comfortable for both of them as possible. But there was also the fact that she wasn't sure she'd have the strength to stand for however long this might take. She was still a full day short of completing her convalescence and she felt it. It might be compromising her safety somewhat, as it would limit her mobility, but it was a risk she was willing to take based on his behavior so far.
He motioned to a chair in the sitting area but said nothing.
"Won't you join me?" she inquired.
"I'd rather stand." He said simply. He had no intention of being close to her, of having such an up close and personal reminder of his reprehensible behavior.
"Very well then." She made herself comfortable and asked, "I gather you're surprised to see me?"
Noah began to pace, "A little, I had heard that you were on sick leave, recovering."
"To tell you the truth, I still am." He stopped his pacing and looked at her. "But I felt this was more important, don't you agree?"
She was apparently full of surprises for him. If she was violating the doctor's orders to be here, this must really be important to her. Truth be told, he was afraid, of her, of himself, of what he had done. He had convinced himself that he would face her wrath, not her kindness. After all, he had certainly been on the receiving end of it before and it had nearly cost him his life. Even so, he had now done the same to her hadn't he? Maybe they were even. He would have to think on that. There was still some anger in him. It was much diminished, and not chemically enhanced, but there nonetheless. Never breaking eye contact with her he moved to the chair opposite her and sat.
Janeway knew that the fact he took a seat was a good sign. At least that he was not in a frame of mind to attack her, for the moment at any rate she felt safe. "Noah, I hardly know where to start. As you say, so much has been said recently, but for all the wrong reasons and with too much of an audience. I've also gotten a full report from the doctor on your. condition. We both know that much of that relates to what happened a year ago. I felt we needed to sort things out, just the two of us. If you're willing."
He stared at her, as if in a trance, then dropped his gaze to the floor and nodded.
With that began the healing process, for both of them. Over the next hour, they talked, well, mostly she did, but he listened, really listened. He even made them coffee, a peace offering of sorts.
When they had accomplished all they could for the time being, largely because she was obviously tiring, she attempted to stand and found it a struggle. All at once she felt a hand on her arm and turned to look directly into Noah's face. "Are you alright Captain?"
She gladly accepted his assistance, and when she was fully on her feet, she placed her hand over his "I will be Noah. And so will you, just give it time."
He escorted her to the door, which opened upon her voice command. Both of her officers looked as though they hadn't moved a muscle from the time she left them. Both of them also had the strangest look on their faces seeing their captain being escorted by a man so recently a cruel adversary.
She tuned back to face Noah as she left the room, "We'll talk again."
"I'll look forward to it."
Then the door closed leaving her to the attention of her officers and Noah returned to his confinement.
"Kathryn, are you alright, you look tired?" Asked Chakotay as the three of them headed back toward her quarters.
She looked up at him thoughtfully, "I am, but it was worth it. I think he'll be fine in time."
=/\=
They walked at a comfortable pace back to her quarters where Tuvok excused himself with a reminder for her to follow the doctor's orders and get some much needed rest.
"He can really be the worst mother hen can't he, who would have thought it of a Vulcan?" said Janeway once Tuvok was out of ear shot.
Chakotay smiled, "He's just concerned about you. Are you sure you're alright?"
She thought for a moment and then decided she really would enjoy some company right now. "Care for a nightcap Commander?" She said as she entered the code for her door.
"I'd love one, but since when is alcohol on one of the doctor's recovery plans?"
"It's not, let's just consider this Captain's prerogative," entering her quarters through the now open door she continued over her shoulder, "and if you tell him I'll have you drawn and quartered."
Chakotay held his hands up in mock defense. "I'll keep that in mind."
"Have a seat." She said indicating the sofa. "I'll be right back."
Almost before Chakotay was finished making himself comfortable, Kathryn Janeway was back with two steaming mugs in her hands.
Chakotay was somewhat puzzled, "I thought you said."
She smiled broadly at him as she leaned over and handed him a mug and then approached a chair opposite him with her own. "Just try it."
He watched her gingerly lower herself into her chair, an unmistakable reminder of just how close she had come to not being here at all. Lifting the mug to his lips he sipped the warm liquid carefully and was pleasantly surprised with the taste. "Mmmmm. This tastes like a mulled cider." then her looked her in the eye, "with a kick."
"Good guess." She said over the lip of her own mug, taking a sip herself. "Old Janeway family recipe. We have a number of apple trees on the property in Indiana and we made cider every fall. My mother still does. She always saved some out of the batch to spice up a bit, so to speak. Good isn't it?"
"It's wonderful Kathryn, and might I say, just what the doctor ordered. Well, maybe not in your case, but."
She laughed aloud. "I see your point. Let's consider this medicinal, for my mental health if nothing else. By the way, I'm glad you like it. It took me forever to program the replicator to make it. See my mother never divulged the recipe to anyone, and when I asked her for it, she admitted that she had never written it down. So the next time she made it, I offered to help and watched her intently."
"Tastes as though your mission was a success." Chakotay said, then took another long sip.
"If you think this is good, you should try the real thing. The kick in the recipe is a rare Cognac. While mine is good, the replicator simply can't hope to exactly duplicate what can be done by hand with real ingredients. My mother is a simply amazing cook and makes almost everything from scratch. I never appreciated that until I went off to the academy and had a fairly steady diet of replicated food for the first time in my life."
Chakotay smiled broadly. "I know exactly what you mean. I grew up on an almost exclusive diet of native foods. Everything grown and prepared by hand. My first week at the academy, I thought I'd die from food poisoning. My system couldn't handle it."
"Sounds as though we have something in common." She said as she leaned back in her chair, lifted her legs and crossed her ankles, setting them down on the coffee table in front of her. "I wanted so badly to go to the academy. Started working toward that goal as a young child. Part of it had to do with following in my father's footsteps, but it was so much more than that." She looked away from him then and into her mug as if she could see the bottom through the hot liquid. "While I always knew I would end up at the academy so I could pursue my scientific interests, there was a fringe benefit. I resented my parents and my traditional upbringing and was bound and determined I could break away from that by getting into Starfleet. Ironic isn't it. Almost from the start of my life in Starfleet I began to miss aspects of a way of life I thought I was escaping."
Chakotay smiled and nodded his agreement. "I know exactly how you feel." He was amazed. He couldn't have expressed it better himself. They obviously did have more in common than they knew. It was also interesting that after all their years out here, and even after becoming what he would classify as close friends with thousands of light-years of conversation behind them, they had never tripped over this before.
For a while no one spoke, and the silence fell over the room like the darkness of an approaching storm. Chakotay had experienced this many times since knowing this woman. She wanted to talk, that much was obvious, but somehow she always found it difficult to start, especially when she herself were the topic of conversation. So without hesitation, her first officer took the plunge. "By the way Kathryn, I haven't really had the chance to tell you this, but you should be extremely proud of the way you handled yourself with Lessing. I'm just sorry you had to go through all that."
Her grip on her mug tightened almost imperceptibly and her eyes closed. He was right. It was time they discussed this. That was after all why she had invited him in, but as usual, she had not known quite where to start. Taking a long breath, she looked up slowly.
Chakotay thought he caught just the slightest glimmer of moisture in the corners of her eyes and felt a lump form in his own throat in response. This woman, his captain and friend, had been through a horrendous experience. Now that the business of the whole thing had largely been taken care of, whether by choice or not, it was finally sinking in on an emotional level.
"Yes, I can think of more productive ways for crewmembers to express a grievance with the Captain can't you?"
Chakotay leaned forward and rested his forearms on his knees. "Kathryn, there's more to you asking me in than small talk and cider. What's bothering you?"
She looked closely at him, reminding herself just how much she trusted this man and his friendship. "I'm not sure I ever actually told you I was sorry. I tried to in sickbay, but it was so hard to concentrate."
Looking puzzled, he returned the intensity of her gaze. "Sorry for what?"
"For the way I treated you during our episode with Ransom and the Equinox. For going more than just a little off the deep end with my obsession to bring him to justice."
She really must be tired for her to be dredging up all this again, but he certainly understood why it was bothering her. "You've said it a hundred times my friend. Maybe not in those exact words, but in others. It's also been evident in your actions. You have been different since then, and if I might say so, a better Captain, although a bit reclusive. Stop torturing yourself."
"Maybe you're right." She said, running her right index finger around the rim of her mug.
"There's no maybe about it. If there was still any doubt about your motivations as far as the crew was concerned, that little speech of yours to Lessing has put that firmly to rest. I've talked to a lot of the crew since then. Your honesty, integrity and strength came shining through every fiber of your being. I've been a captain too, remember? I know what it's like if you take the job seriously and you care about your people. Even at that, I cannot possibly know exactly what it's been like for you all these years. What you said gave all of us a better understanding of what you've been through, what makes you tick, and that your human like the rest of us. You care about these people Kathryn, and you've sacrificed a lot to make sure they have a life here as well as a chance to make it home. They know that now more than ever. They respect you for it."
Janeway moved her feet from the table to the floor and leaned forward long enough to set down her rapidly cooling drink. "Now who's giving speeches Commander." Then she rose to her feet and moved to stand in front of the viewport and look out at the stars.
Chakotay knew she wasn't upset with him. There was no malice in her voice.
He set his mug down and followed her. When he had moved directly behind her he continued, "No speeches, just fact. If nothing else, Lessing's little trial was a blessing in disguise. Everything is now out in the open. There are no more secrets, no unknowns. You may have been found guilty, but of nothing more than being human. And I for one am convinced that you've served your sentence many times over. Time to move on." He lifted his right hand and placed it on her shoulder.
She turned toward him and looked up into his eyes. "Thank you Chakotay."
"You are indeed welcome. And by the way, thank you."
She wrinkled her brow, "What for?"
He smiled at her. "Just for being who you are."
They stood staring at each other for a long moment and then she lurched forward, a profound fatigue taking control of every fiber of her being. Chakotay reached to support her, turning her until she rested against him, his arm around her waist.
"Now, time to call it a day. You're exhausted and just looking at you is making me tired." He turned her toward her bedroom as he led her through her quarters. "Get a good night's sleep. By the way, I don't want to see you on the bridge until tomorrow afternoon at the earliest."
They had reached the doorway to her bedroom and she stopped and turned to face him again. "Deal."
Chakotay pulled away and headed toward the main door. "I can show myself out. Thanks for the cider." With that, he was gone, the doors swishing shut behind him.
Kathryn Janeway turned into her bedroom shedding her jacket as she went, tossing it to a lounge chair in the corner. She then sat on the bed and removed her shoes. It was as far as she got. She simply didn't have the energy to undress and re-dress in her nightgown. With one hand she reached under the pillows and pulled down the bedcovers, sliding underneath with ease. As she snuggled into her pillow and pulled the covers closer around her, she was at peace for the first time in a very long time and she drifted off to sleep with a smile on her face.
=/\=
Fourteen weeks later, Kathryn Janeway stood up and walked purposely from behind the desk in her ready room through the door to the bridge in time to greet the other members of alpha shift. As she strode to her seat, she made eye contact with the science officer manning the station on the far side of the bridge. Noah Lessing smiled and acknowledged her with a nod, then went to work, his first day as a science officer on the alpha shift only begun. His recovery had been difficult, and there was still a long way to go, but with the help of Voyager's executive officers, the EMH, and several friends, he'd managed to return to duty. She had been very proud when Chakotay and the Doctor had submitted the request to place him on the normal shift rotation for bridge duty. Noah had worked very hard and earned the privilege. She had approved it without a moment's hesitation.
As she took her place in her command chair, Chakotay leaned toward her and said, "Congratulations Kathryn, another lost soul redeemed."
She met his eyes with an intensity he knew well, "More than one Chakotay. This time, more than one."
THE END
Author's note: Substance abuse is an insidious and destructive disease that has effected more than a few of the people I have been close to in my life, and it has destroyed or taken the lives of more than one. Often, those directly effected are some of the most extraordinarily beautiful souls I have ever had the privilege to know. What happened to Noah Lessing in this story, happens every minute of every day in the lives of some, who for whatever reason, choose to use controlled substances to face each day. They not only harm themselves, but they exact a terrible toll on those around them, on those that love them, both physically and emotionally. For those of you in the clutches of this monster, please seek help, and never give up on yourself. For those of you who have never gotten involved with such things, stay that way. And for those of you who know or care about someone who has not admitted they have a problem, I pray you find the courage to make them see the truth.