ALICE'S STORY

"Hi, Jerry how are you?"

The words make me drop my coffee spoon and it clatters to the table, splashing cappuccino everywhere. But the bearer of the name bears no resemblance to my Jerry.

For over six months now he has played such a vital part of my life, this crazy, insecure guy.  Well, I'd thought he was crazy at first ….delusional…..a kook. How wrong could one girl be? When I think of what they did to him, it makes me sick to the stomach. Anyone would feel the same. But it's not just the humanity that makes you feel for him. There's something about Jerry….that makes you want to put your arms around him and tell him everything will be alright.

I return to my daydreams, desperately wanting him to step out of the shadows and tell me he is alive….

I always have my coffee here, ever since my meeting with Agent Lowry. I had bombarded his office with calls, determined to know where Jerry was….I had known he was alive or at least I had thought I did. Who else would have placed the pin where I would find it? So I pursued Lowry and demanded to know the truth. When he finally agreed to meet me he had insisted on this café…Conservatory  Water   …..it has only been recently that I have learnt the significance of the place and that's how I know that if it's going to happen it will be here.

That day with Lowry I had hardly been able to breath, expounding my own theories as to where, why, what…..And he had let me talk, aware I needed to get this out of my head.

He had sat and listened, and when I'd finished all he had said in reply was;

"I'm very sorry for your loss, Alice but Jerry IS dead…..what can I say?? You have to move on and restart your life…."

I had wanted the floor to swallow me up; such was my despair, until after the briefest of pauses he had added

"All three of us have to move on…"

I remember feeling nothing at first, soaking in the words and watching as he nodded very slightly and took a sip of his coffee….All THREE of us! I knew instantly he was validating all I had surmised…Jerry must be alive.

 So I return here every chance I get, aware of the connection with Jerry and also of the danger we might face. The only problem is….why is it taking so long??? I need him, I want to see him…I miss his face…..

If I'm honest I'm starting to doubt now….maybe I misinterpreted what Lowry had hinted….maybe Jerry has restarted his life elsewhere, without me.

That would be too much to bear…

I lose the next few moments in thoughts of his face…It's the kind of face that inspires a deep reaction. Warm, mischievous eyes, so blue and clear they take your breath away the first time you see them. He is disarmingly handsome yet is completely unaware of himself, so charming in his un-assumptions, so engaging in his ways….how could you not love him?

And I do love him…..the last time I saw him alive I told him so. I was holding him in my arms, bleeding, injured…..it is my last thought every night and my first every morning. Perhaps he doesn't remember? Perhaps he had been too groggy and in pain to hear me say the words….What if he only remembered me telling him he didn't love me really…what if he didn't know how much he means to me. How I long to feel his arms around me and can feel him near me despite never having had the pleasure. Oh Lord, I'm turning into Jerry! Get a grip Alice, stay calm…..

I play with my hair, it's an unconscious habit, something I'm told I do a lot….it helps me stay focused and I need to stay focused. It's a beautiful day, the park is full of children playing with toy boats on the lake, and the sun's warmth has brought out the crowds today. I decide to think of something else, work perhaps or the chores around the house I have been unable to complete lately…..but soon I'm back to Jerry. He had saved me physically that day at the court house; he saved me in other ways too. I needed him to rescue me now. Save me from this emptiness the whole incident had left with me .I'd go anywhere, be anyone just to have the chance to be with him. He is that important to me.

Then it happens, the thing I've longed for all these weeks……And I'm so absorbed in thought I almost miss it!

I feel the figure beside me before I see it. The man before me is waiting for me to notice him. He is hesitant and awkward …..And I want him so badly!

"Hi, Alice"

The words hang in the air, his voice sweet to my ears. We look into each others eyes and before I am aware of what I'm doing I am on my feet and in his arms, wrapping myself tightly around his neck; breathing him in; squeezing him tightly. Finally I know what it feels like to be held by him…And it's just how I imagined it. I'm home. I sob into his chest:

"How are you, where have you been?"

So many questions

We release each other, connected simply by the tips of our fingers, but its enough. … 

"Still sore, still a little crazy!" he offers half joking.

 He looks like a little boy, vulnerable and needing to be loved. He is completely irresistible to me.

"But are you still MY Jerry" I ask. It's not what I had planned to say, but the words are out before I can check myself.

"Always" he says, a small smile and he visibly relaxes.

Finally we kiss, a small, soft kiss, and as we do I realise we are drawing stares from the people at the other tables. I know we should be more discreet, we could be being watched, but somehow I couldn't care less. It's not enough …….for either of us, and the short ,soft kiss is replaced by a proper lovers kiss, here in full view of the world….the first ,I hope, of many .I love this man…I love him so much I'd kill for him ….