5. The Past: Hopelessness

Sendoh smiled and took Cheerful, the bird he rescued before. It has healed quite a bit and was learning to fly. Sendoh sat at the water fountain and watch Cheerful hop up the piece of wood and was beside him, then it jumped off the side and flapped it's wings.

Sendoh laughed, 'It's so kawaii.'

"I'll get you some bird seed, ok? You stay here."

The bird chirped.

Sendoh went into the kitchen and searched the cupboard. He found a bag of seed. He took a handful and went outside. He saw one of the dogs tearing at something. Something small and yellow, 'Cheerful!'

He raced there. The dog spotted him and ran back into the woods. He dropped on his knees and picked up Cheerful's mutilated corpse, 'Why? They're not suppose to attack animals…'

Then he remembered something Shinji said 'It'll attack and kill anything that smells human…'

'Of course, it smells human. I've been taking care of it. It smells like me…I…it's dead because of me…'

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Rukawa looked at Sendoh who was burying the bird. He derived no pleasure from proving Sendoh wrong. He'd probably be more happy had he lost. But he couldn't call Sendoh a baka. Didn't he use to be just like Sendoh? Believing one can fight destiny, change it.

~Flashback~

Okaasan was brushing my hair. Getting out the tangles and pulling it into a high ponytail. I really love okaasan, but she seems so sad and lonely sometimes. We lived in the woods, 30 minutes from a small village. I like to go play with the kids there when okaasan goes and buys milk and meat. We were pretty self-proficient. We grew some vegetables and had some chicken. Okaasan didn't like to talk to other people.

As she began gathering my hair I got a vision. This vision was different than the others. The others were about silly things, like when it would rain, what path not to walk, where I might find a coin. Little things, but this one…

~Vision~

A man standing with okaasan and demanding, "Where's the boy?"

Okaasan looked at him.

"Tell me now! He's the Prophet's successor."

"You think I'll allow my son to suffer such a fate?"

"There is nothing you can do. It's his destiny to be his father's successor."

Okaasan smirked, "I'm you only link to him. If you walk by him on the street you think you can recognize him? He's gone. I sent him away. You'll never find him."

"You'll come with me. He'll come for you, his beloved mother."

Okaasan laughed, "You're wrong. I won't condemn my son to a life of pain. A life without freedom. A life as someone's pawn."

She pulled out a dagger and slit her throat.

~End of Vision~

"No!!!" I cried.

"Are you ok? What's the matter?" okaasan asked.

I shook my head. I couldn't tell her. It would worry her and she gets mad when I mention seeing things. She's says it's my imagination but I know it's not. I crossed my fingers, "I thought I saw a spider."

She tied my hair and said, "You don't have to be afraid. I'll protect you."

I turned to her, "I know."

"Do you know why?"

"Because you love me?" I asked.

"Yes. Because you are my son. The most precious thing to me. I won't let any harm come to you. You know I'm scared of spiders too," she whispered.

I laughed, "Of course. It's got 8 legs. No other animal I see has 8 legs. If people have 8 legs it would be scary too."

I vowed to myself, 'Okaasan, you're the most precious thing to me too. I won't let anything happen to you, either.'

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I always know the date of when the things in my vision happen. I know the man will come in 16 days.

That night I stole the dagger and with a lit candle began writing the letter to okaasan. I've decided to go find the man myself and go with him. And the letter I'll tell okaasan everything will be fine and they will let me do whatever I want and I see myself happy in the future. Yes, I will assure her all her worries are silly. Then the man won't come and make okaasan all sad and she won't be doing anything silly.

I nodded and began writing as neatly as I could.

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I found the man and he promised to not bug my mother. The man took me to see my father. The man I saw looked very ill, on the bed. His lips were blue and he was deathly white, but I don't think it's because he's anaemic, like me.

He looked very sad as he said, "I'm so sorry, Kaede."

I blinked.

"You never should've come."

"I have to or okaasan will die. Why do you look so sad, Mister?"

He smiled softly, "You're a sweet boy. I know it'll be weird for you to call me Father but…"

He began coughing like crazy and there was blood.

"Are you ok?" I asked worriedly.

He shook his head and said, "I'm dying. I got exactly 23 minutes to live. But it's ok. Can you tell me about yourself?"

"Sure Mister," I said, "…uh, I mean otousan."

He smiled.

So I talked and talked and talked, until finally he stopped me, "I'm happy you came. When I first saw you in my vision I was worried but now I know you'll be fine. Not everything comes true. Kaede, please take care of your sister."

I nodded not quite understanding him.

Then he smiled and shut his eyes.

"Otousan! Otousan!" I said shaking him.

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I was looking at my sleeping baby sister when another vision came. It was different this time. This time it wasn't a future vision. It was of something happening.

~Vision~

Okaasan was reading the letter I written her for the nth time. But she wasn't crying anymore. Perhaps she had no more tears. She neatly folded the letter and put it into her pocket.

What happened next was odd. I could hear okaasan's thoughts, she was addressing me, 'You knew didn't you? My fears, my thoughts. Why did you go give yourself to them? No, I shouldn't blame you. You were just thinking about me. You always put others before yourself. I'm to blame. I should've watch you more carefully. I know you wrote that letter to comfort me. You were always so thoughtful. What do I have to live for now with you gone? You were the only ray of light in my life. What more do I have to hope for?'

She picked up the paring knife and slit her throat.

~End of Vision~

"No okaasan!!" I cried sinking to the ground, 'I couldn't change anything. Okaasan still died.'

Jin, my half-sister, my only family now, began crying.

'The 16th day,' I thought as the tears flowed down my face, 'did I really think I can fight destiny? It didn't matter that I took the dagger or that I written that letter. Okaasan is dead. I never should've left her. Why did I leave her?! Okaasan…'

~End of Flashback~

'Since that moment I realize how futile my actions are. What is meant to happen will happen not matter how hard you try to change it.'

"Rukawa," Sendoh said.

Rukawa shook his head, 'Ignorance is bliss. But I'll never know that feeling again. I shouldn't have agree to have that bet with him. I never should've told him. I just didn't want to see him grow attach to it. I didn't want to see him hurt.'

Sendoh smiled, "Guess I never should've doubted you, huh? You're right. Cheer…"

He cut him off, "I know. No one will blame you for being unhappy once in a while."

'It hard to force yourself, to do something you don't want to. To be someone you're not. I know,' Rukawa thought.

End of The Past: Hopelessness