Fire Emblem's "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!" Theater!
Copied and Pasted by InsaneZero
***WARNING***
This contains sensitive material that, if released out to the public, it can kill you. Or, at the very least, try to stab you with a plastic sword. Also, this fanfic contains jokes that would not be comprehensible to the uneducated gamers unless they go to this site:
http://fessforum.proboards11.com/
And.... This fanfic has some offensive material, so, if angered, contact my lawyer.
You have been warned.
***WARNING***
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Now go away.
Now, on to the theater!
-=+=-
'Roy's Night Out.'
***
Roy: Hey... who are you?
Hugh: Ah... a customer...
Roy: What do you sell?
Hugh: My body for one night only!
Roy: ....
Hugh: What? You never seen a male jigoloo?
Roy: Uh....
Hugh: Whaddya say? 10000 G for the best time of your life!
Roy: No!
Hugh: Uh... 7000 G?
Roy: No...
Hugh: Um.... 5000 G, my final offer! Take it or leave it!
Roy: I'll pay you 1000000 if you just leave me alone!
Hugh: But.. I wanna still come along with you guys...
Roy: Fine! Just as long as you don't advance to anything sexual!
Hugh: Deal!
-=+=-
'The Reason Why Catholics Should Not Be Trusted'
***
Fil: So... you're Sin right?
Sin: Yup, that's me.
Fil: So do you commit sinful acts?
Sin: What!? I do no such thing!
Fil: Why is your name Sin?
Sin: Shut up before I have my sister "Sue" you.
Fil: Bad Joke.
Sin: I know.
Fil: Another sinful act.
Sin: *annoyed*Can you name other acts I that I commit?
Fil: Let's see... you killed a bunch a people for no reason, you wear a bandana, you constantly mastur...
Sin: Enough! I'm going to right my wrongs!
Fil: Good... let Father Saul show you the right path?
Saul: Come to the light...
Sin: Hell no! Do you know priests do to you!?
Saul: I'm not that kind of priest!
Sin: That's it, I'm outta here!
Saul: Hey...*sighs* Oh well... say Fil, want my staff to guide you?
Fil: Do that and you won't see that staff anymore!
Saul: *gulp* Okay...
-=+=-
'What Do You Have?'
***
Sophia: ........(stares)
Roy: What?
Sophia: .........(stares)
Roy: WHAT?
Sophia: I was actually wondering if you could go to http colon slash slash pub twenty-ei-
Cecila: (interrupts) I can see where this is goi- Wait a second! He's supposed to be dead!
(Juigi suddenly comes in.)
Juigi: Just don't kill me again! You already killed me twice when I didn't write either of those scripts!
Cecila: Yeah right! You're just like Peter Pettigrew from the Harry Potter, who faked his own death TWICE, and was the guilty person! Excuse the spoilers.
Juigi: BUT I SWEAR TO GOD, I REALLY WAS DEAD! I WAS SIMPLY REVIVED BY THE BLAGI STAFF!
Cecila: THE BLAGI STAFF IS ONLY IN FIRE EMBLEM 4, IDIOT! (blasts Juigi with a free use of the Legendary Light Magic)
Juigi: YEEOOOWWCCHH! I really was revived by the Blagi Staff. (dies)
(Meanwhile, at the top of a tower (again).......)
Idoun: Well, the pest should be no longer trustworthy now. No point in reviving him with this "expensive" stick. (throws away the Blagi Staff, but Idoun fails to notice that it falls down the tower)
Mamkute: You know you stole the Blagi Staff from Claude of Fire Emblem 4, mistress. And while you're noting that, I'd like to point out that it-
Idoun: SILENCE!
Mamkute: (falls silent)
-=+=-
'Roy, Mr. Not-So-Smooth'
***
Roy: Another cute girl to fall victim of my charm Yo Sofiya!
Sofiya: Roy....
Roy: You're lookin' pretty today...
Sofiya: Thank you...
Roy: How 'bout you and me go on a little date.
Sofiya: Really!?
Roy: Yes...
Sofiya: But...
Roy: What is it Sofiya?
Sofiya: What about Lilina?
Roy: Don't worry, the relation between me and Lilina is over...
Lilina: *with a huge mallet* What's that Roy?!
Roy: L-L-Lilina!? What are you doing here!?
Lilina: Apparently... I leave alone for a few seconds and I see you do this! First you hit on Elfin... now you're hitting on Sofiya... you lecher!
Roy: Wait Lilina... I can explain...
*Due to the graphic violence... censors will appear to blur out this bloody scene*
Sofiya: Poor, poor Roy.... oh well... *holds Ray's arm* Shall we?
Ray: Sure babe. *walks off together*
-=+=-
'Roy Hits It Again! Or Roy, Mr. Not-So-Smooth Part 2'
***
[Sophia enter]
Sophia: Hey, I thought this palace was golden!
Roy: Er....I repainted it...yeah. Nothing else.
Sophia: Did you pore glue in the paint? The "paint" is STICKY!
Roy: Maybe I did.
Sophia: Hm..... [uses her dark magic to read Roy's mind to see what happened] (Note: OK, OK! I KNOW there isn't a spell like that but just let it go, okay)
[In Roy's Mind]: I hope she doesn't find out that I was fantasizing about her while I was mastu-
Sophia: That's it, I'm going to KILL you Roy
Roy: What did I do? Was it something I said?
Sophia: Let's just say...you are and you will be an "open" person. [blasts a hole in Roy where his..STAFF is supposed to be] See?
-=+=-
'Help, Please.'
***
Geese: A bunch of morons are causing a war and this village is suspect to attack.
Old lady: Thank you for the information.....uh, what was your name again.
Geese: My name is Geese.
Old lady: Right. Here's your reward. (gives Geese something)
Geese: What is it?
Old lady: Just ask the player.
Geese: Just inform the village right away.
Roy: Just get this over with already. -_-
Geese: Aren't you supposed to be elsewhere, sir?
Roy: Uh....right. (goes back to whatever he was doing)
Geese: Where was I? Oh yes. Anyway, the player doesn't necessarily know Japanese.
Old lady: He or she could always use an FAQ or find some other form of translation help.
Geese: Right. (leaves, while the old lady goes off to warn the village)
-=+=-
'My Name Is Geese'
***
Geese: There is a war out side, and the village might be a victim, so go warn the village and close the gates
Lady: Thanks...
Geese: Er...no reward?
Lady: Heck no, what do you expect...an Angel's Clothing? (Note: In this sentence, the old lady does not know the exsitance of such an item, she just wants to say "An Item of impossiblity", Ok?)
Geese: Perhaps...
Lady: Man....you have crazy expectations...By the way, what is your name?
Geese: Geese
Lady: Hm...none over head. Just what IS your name now?
Geese: GEESE!!!
Lady: Quit trying to make my eyes go another way while you run, what is your name??
Geese: I named my self geese.
Lady: Oh, were you raised by geese, or are geese of great importance to you?
Geese: Yup
Me: [walk over to the old lady and whispers]: actually he was raised by swans. He mistook them for geese, and he is a pirate with the ability to walk on water.
Lady: JESUS CHRIST! HOLY MICE! NO MORE RICE! A pirate!! AHHHHHHH!!!
Me: Hey, hey, he's good.
Lady: Oh, anyways, I better warn the village
[I disappear into the real world]
Geese: Man...why does that idiot ADMIN have to tell EVERYONE my origins and class?
-=+=-
'Who's Line Is Mine, Anyway?'
***
Drew: Hi I'm called Barth but my real name is Drew Carry.
Oujay: GOD PLEASE NOOOO!!!
Drew: Where do you think all these Who's Line jokes are from?
Oujay: Look, I'm here for work so I can fee my family ok?
Drew: I'll give you 20 bucks to do the Hoe Down.
Oujay: NO! How about this, you give me 20 bucks and make yourself disappear.
Drew: I'm warning you, I got mysterious powers. You never know when I'll appear nake and point out all the knot hole in your fence.
Oujay: I have a chainsaw at home.
Drew: Eeeeeeeeeeek!
-=+=-
'I Did Not Win An Academy Award, I Swear!'
***
Oujay: Great, you lead us to a dead end, now where are we going to save Lilina now??
Barth: Hey, I know what I'm doing, its a breakable type.
Wendy: But I'm weak, so is Oujay, once we break it, we'll be defenceless until the next turn, and by then we might be killed...
Barth: Fine, I'll break it.
Oujay: *snicker* With your head?
Barth: I hired you, now stop it or I'll k-
*CRASH*
Roy: Hi guys, you here to save Lilina?
The Three: Yup!
Wendy: I'm Bors' sister
Bors: What are you doing here? I though I told you to w-
Barth: Hey...aren't you the one who tried to rap-
Bors: Hey, Lilina was lying, ok?
Barth: I am the honorable Barth, winning best Armor Knight of the year, best brains, and best haircut of the year. I am expecting a promotion to General soon.
[Terranigma_Freak and I, captamzai beam in]
Terranigma_Freak: And don't forget, the "Worst Cause of Barfing" Award
Me: Also, he ranks in the top ten of the ugliest of ALL Fire Emblem games! Of course, Gonzales ranks the hi-
Gonzales: HEY! I'm not even in there yet, so ZIP IT before I rob AND kill you!
Me: Fine...ooops, gotta go!
Barth: Hey! Don't go, I still haven't teared you into peices!
-=+=-
'Hello, Barth.'
***
Barth: Uh.....why are we in prison?
Oujay: We're not in prison, idiot. We're just at a dead end.
Barth: Uh.......what's a dead end?
Oujay: Grrr! A dead end is-
Wendy: Hey, guys. I found a weak spot in the walls.
Oujay: Are you sure you can survive if YOU attack it, Wendy?
Wendy: Errrrr, no.
Barth: I shall attack it. Nobody will bother attacking me anyway.
Oujay: I hope you're right. Well, half-hope anyway.
(Barth destroys the weak spot in the wall, but when the turn ends, he is suddenly attacked and takes damage.)
Oujay: Crud. Never trust a slowpoke or an idiot.
(Barth stays where he is, while Oujay and the rest of his forces use mob tactics on enemies, and they, with the help of Roy and his forces, fend them off without serious problems.)
Barth: Uh.........why did you use Wendy when she is as slow as I am?
Oujay: Uh, er...........she has a lower level than you. Level 1 in fact.
Barth: Uh..........you said never to trust a "slowpoke," so are you in lo-
Oujay: Shut up!
Roy: Enough! Let's just join forces and save Relina already! (notices a couple of "enemy" thieves, one of them being Cass) Let's hope these thieves have honor. O_O
(Roy and his forces (Barth included, since he was healed) fight through the enemy forces, takes as much of the treasure as they can (including Cass's stuff and the other thief's stuff, with Chad and Asthol's help mind you) before Cass gets it, and get Cass to stop trying to steal the treasure, while Relina gets to Roy's forces before the enemy reinforcements can try to attack her.)
Barth: Uh............why are we donig this again?
Roy: Barth, do me a favor and stop acting like an idiot. Anyway, we're trying to fight the dang Kingdom of Bern for trying to take over Pharae. So be quiet.
-=+=-
'What Dog? I Don't See a Dog...'
***
Man: At last...I have found you. You will now pay for kicking my dog!
Cecilia: Your daughter?
Man: My DOG! You kicked it, and now he is going to need an operation.
Cecilia:....But I don't even know you.
Man: Do not lie! You know damn right what you did.
Cecilia: No, I do not know damn right. I--
Man: Don't ever swear at me!
Cecilia: You speak to me that way.
Man: Shut up.
Cecilia: F*ck you.
Man: You do not ever tell me to f*ck! You...f*ck you!
Cecilia: Hey--
Man: F*ck you, you!
Cecilia: You--
Man: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You shut up, you.
Cecilia: Why don't you shut up?!
Man: Shut up, you stink!
Cecilia: You stink too!
Man: No you do not!
Cecilia: You do TOO!
Man: .....Just because I'm Paki does NOT mean I stink!
-=+=-
'And Coming Up Next...'
***
Zephyr: I shall rape and murder you, pesky woman! And then this place is mine!
Cecila: You'll do no such thing! You'll be sent to http colon slash sl- GRRRRRR! AFTER YOU, THAT IDIOT ADVERTISER JUIGI IS SO NEXT!
Zephyr: Impossible. You killed him!
(Meanwhile, at a tower.....)
Mamkute: (laughs to himself)
Idoun: Trying to wreck my plans, aren't you. Well, you're going straight to HFIL! (turns into her dragon form)
Mamkute: MASTER, PLEASE!
Idoun: (blasts the Mamkute with her breath, and turns back, while the Mamkute dies) Maybe I can get the script blamed on FUNimation now as revenge for making me say "HFIL" instead of "hell." (casts mysterious magic......)
(Meanwhile, back at where Cecila and Zephyr are, a FUNimation Executive appears from some nearby woods.)
Zephyr: Obviously, FUNimation has decided to stop us. Well, ignore those morons, troops.
FUNimation Executive: MORONS? WHY YOU! YYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! (attacks Zephyr but the attacks have no effect)
Cecila: Obviously, FUNimation actually sent Juigi to conspire against us.....let's make a deal, Zephyr: the winner of this fight gets to kill the moron, and blow FUNimation to Kingdom Come. Deal?
Zephyr: Deal. But of course, I shall win.
Cecila: Shut up and fight!
Zephyr: Okay then! (attacks Cecila, and she falls down from the blow) Troops, take this damn girl and her pesky friend Sophia away. (stabs the FUNimation Executive with his sword, and the FUNimation Executive dies) After you're done, all troops not on the same map as Pharae's troops are to destroy FUNimation.
Bern troop: But sir, they sent their best person to hinder us anyway, and he's dead now!
Zephyr: That doesn't matter! They could still grow strong enough to hammer us with mob tactics. I want them dead AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!
Bern troop: Yes sir.
(Meanwhile, where Roy's forces are....)
Roy: I don't get it.
Lance: Get what? Juigi DID come from FUNimation.
Roy: No he didn't. I'd have seen him wearing some sort of tag saying "FUNimation."
Alan: But obviously he at least WENT in league with FUNimation.
Roy: Lance, he'd have some sort of motive, and there's little motive to help FUNimation after their horrible job on DB and DBZ and the lack of work they actually did on it lately.
Marcus: Then how come he wrote those scripts?
Roy: Maybe FUNimation really did it. But Cecila will still think Juigi was hiding any sign that he was from FUNimation, so until I get more proof, I am NOT reviving him.
Relina: Roy, you forget that none of us can revive dead people, and even if any of us could, it wouldn't be you.
Roy: Right. (hears a watch beep) Oops. Our time is up.
Wolts: Hey, I didn't get any li-OOOOOOFFF! (gets hit by a falling cow)
Saul: (gets the cow off Wolts and heals him with a free use of a healing item) Maybe next time it is not a good idea to complain. :|
-=+=-
'Hey, This ISN'T A STRIP CLUB?'
***
Zeohryl: You stand no chance... give up and run away...
Cecilia: ...okay!
Zephryl: Hey! Stay right there! I thought you were suppose to do your duty and fight me!
Cecilia: Hell no! You're too strong... I'm gonna get going now!
Zephryl: That's it! *swings Ex-zachs to Cecilia*
Cecilia: Eeeeeeeeek! You just sliced half of my clothes off! That's the second time that happened in this game!
Zephryl: Bwahahahahahaha! Nice body! It's too bad your wind magic doesn't work!
Cecilia: *thinks for a moment, then kicks him where it hurts*
Zephryl: OOOOOOOOOOF!!!! *Knocks out Cecilia with the back of his hand* Put her in prison with that other girl... I have to see the doctor about this...
-=+=-
'The Return of the Evil Advertiser'
***
Zephyr: Woman, don't make me do this!
Cecila: Damn bin Laden, I won't let you hide in my castle!
[JUST before the fight, they spot Juigi in the woods]
[Zephyr and Cecila both uses all their strength to kill Juigi, while Zephyr has Cecila locked up and goes off to destroy FUNanimation]
Roy: Wow...all the enemy troops just rushed off in that direction. What leads?
Lilina: I beleive they went off to iradicate FUNanimation
Roy: Hey, there's a body there, let's go look
[Juigi lies dead on the ground, then suddenly stands up again]
Juigi: Hell, what is with the revivings??
[Group arives] Roy:It's Juigi! All troops direct fire to him!
[Just before he dies] Juigi: Remember, go to h-t-t-p-colon-slash-slash-p-u-b-2-8-dot-e-z-b-o-a-r-d-s-dot-com-sla-
[Roy wacks him on the head before he finishes]
-=+=-
'Elwood Did WHAT?'
***
Roy: *gasp* How could you?
Lilina: This isn't what you think!
Roy's Dad: Yeah, she's much to small and weak!
Roy: Then how can you explain what you were doing before I cam in here!
Lilina: We were just-
Roy: No explanations, I know what I saw, I hate both of you! [runs away crying]
Lilina: Roy!
Roy's Father: I'll go after him.
Lilina: Roy DOES get upset when he doesn't get a massage from me, doesn't he? *wink*
[after the script]
Me/captamzai: You really though it was that, didn't you, you little pervert?
-=+=-
Alright, for you FESSers, you'd notice that this was taken directly from the second season, so don't laugh! (Or cry, hiss, boo, try to kill me, torture, stick me with a Lopus mage, whatever.)