April 18, 1999

I am screwed! I did something tonight that I probably shouldn't have. Tonight was the senior night carnival to raise money for the prom. Since I am on the committee that planned it, it was pretty much a given that I would attended. It started out alright I was actually having fun, I haven't been to a carnival since I was a kid. I was just sort of standing around, after having triumphantly pummeled a football player with cream pies, when I heard one of the ride operators scream "Lonely ride in bucket five! Single!!!"
I saw Josie sitting at the Ferris wheel looking more than a little embarrassed. "Do you have to yell it like that?" She asked.
"Sure I do." Was his answer.
'Oh great! What a lovely thing to say to shy teenage girl.' I thought to myself and made my way over there.
"Is this seat taken?" I asked her.
She smiled and gave me a relived look, "Thank you."
They closed us into the seats and started it up. I guess I had expected it go foreword because it took me completely by surprise when we sort of fell backward.
"Are you scared?" Josie asked me.
"I'm gonna tell you something here, and I hope it doesn't undermine my position as an authority figure. I'm a little afraid of heights." I admitted sheepishly.
"You're afraid of the Ferris wheel?" She said.
"Actually, it's more the plunging head first into the crowd part that gets me." I said. That was not a lie. I remember on a mission in Bangladesh we had to be air dropped. Jumping out of a plane in a rice paddy = hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
As would be expected she laughed at me, "Well I bet you'd feel better if you had your Gordie Howe helmet."
"Hey you remember that story?" I said surprised, as I recalled telling a story about the Gordie Howe helmet my father bought for me when I was a kid, in class about a month or so ago.
"I remember everything you say in your classroom." She said. I was touched I'll admit. Before I had a chance to respond I was distracted by the person in the bucket above us.
"IF THE BUCKET'S A-ROCKIN', DON'T COME-A KNOCKIN'" The guy, Tommy I think his name was, yelled.
His obnoxious innuendo was quickly followed by a chorus of, "Mr. Coulson rocks my world!" from somewhere else.
Ouch.........it was only then that it occurred to me that my nice gesture might have made the situation more embarrassing for her rather than less. To try to lighten the situation I resorted to the only sure fire thing.......male bashing
"Boys. I'd like to tell you that we all grow out of it, but that's a lie. Some of us will always be rattling cages." I said. 'Weiss being a perfect example.' I wanted to add, but of course didn't.
"Why do you do that?" She asked.
"I don't know. And you know what's scary--when you get older it just gets more confusing. You know Laura, my girlfriend you met a the club? We've been going out for five years, and now she wants me to move to New York. And I should do it, you know…make the commitment and grow up…" I paused and thought over what I was saying to this young girl. 'She's seventeen! She doesn't care.' I told myself "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be talking about this stuff with you."
"It's nice having someone to talk to." She said smiling.
"Yeah same here." I muttered. I suddenly wanted to tell her the truth about me. I felt surprised, having never really cared before someone not knowing who I really was.
I laughed awkwardly, "Well, all I can tell you is when you're my age guys will be lined up around the block for you."
She laughed, "You have to say that because you're my teacher."
"Actually I shouldn't say that because I'm your teacher." I said, more to myself than to her. I don't know if she did too, but I felt extremely awkward after that. I racked my brain for something to say. "I graded your papers on As You Like It by the way." It may not have been intelligent, but at least it was something.
"Yeah? How were they?" She asked.
"Well yours was excellent. Your writing. It's amazing, Josie. You're really talented." I said.
"Thank you," She said shyly.
"So where are you planning on going to college" I asked.
"College. Haven't really thought about it." She responded.
"That's crazy. I'll get you some applications." I blurted out.
"Oh no no no no no. See, my family, we don't go to college. We just go right into sheep herding." She argued.
"Josie you owe it to yourself to go. For your writing. You're a natural." I said.
"Thanks. Wow. That's--really nice to hear." She said. I then remembered that the point of getting off on this conversation had been to make it less awkward. That back fired big time! But I mean honestly........sheep herding?! You've got to be kidding me! If she joined now that girl could be head of the CIA linguistics department by the times she's 35!
I'm getting off topic again.....this is not good! I am going to have to be more careful, I can't afford draw any unnecessary attention to myself. I am also royally screwed!

May 1, 1999

Where do I start? The bad news, the other bad news, or the insanely bad news? It started with rumors that he facility where we were holding Myrick and the agent we captured outside of Delloser had been compromised. It was eventually decided that they would be moved to an undisclosed location as a precaution. The move took place today. However SD-8 got to them first, now Myrick, the other agent who refused to give his name, and two of our agents are dead. As far as the media knows it was simply a car accident, but this was definitely a professional hit. All four of them were shot from another vehicle while they were driving down the highway. Since SD-8 found out when the move was taking place, and what car they would be in it's distinctly possible that we have a mole. Even worse, Courtney just got back from her last trip to DC and she told me that she got wind that the officials at Langley are thinking that we underestimated SD-8's power and capability. If they think this mission is just a waste of time than they may shut us down. Not good, not good, not good!
So the good news...................tomorrow I get one period off from lecturing because a guest speaker is coming for a sex education talk. How's that old saying go? "Every cloud has a silver lining." Yeah riiiiiiight.......obviously whoever said that's life was much less complicated than mine.

May 2, 1999

Well the sex talk was interesting to say the least. We were waiting for the instructor to show up when I noticed a woman standing by the door. The first think I did obviously was go over and ask her. "Are you here for the sex talk?"
She seemed a little taken back, but then said in an unmistakable tone, "Well.......I like a man who gets to the point."
My turn to be taken back. I paused for a moment wondering if I was actually being hit on by a consultant from Planned Parenthood. "You're Pam?" I asked hesitantly.
"If you say so." She said.
Alright whatever. I lead her into the middle of the classroom and introduced her than headed out. Upon leaving I realized that I had nothing better else to do, so I went back figuring I'd just hang out and watch. Obviously sex education has changed since I was in high school. Since her main activity was having them practice putting condoms on bananas.
I happened to talk by the table where Josie and Tracy were sitting. I didn't catch the whole conversation just parts.
"Wow. That's big. I mean sex is a really big deal. You shouldn't do it until you know you've found the right person. You know, Adele penguins pick one mate. They spend their whole life looking for that one other penguin and when they find it, they know. That's the penguin they stay with for the rest of their lives." Josie said to Tracy.
"But I'm not a penguin." Tracy gave her a clueless look and responded.
"It's an analogy." I interrupted. I guess I must have startled them because as soon as she knew I was there Josie let go of the condom, sending it strait into my forehead. When I told Weiss about that he laughed so hard I thought he was going to wet his pants.
Anyway, right after the unfortunate condom incident the president of the student body came over the intercom with an announcement, "Bad news about the prom East Glen east is going to do Millennium too!"
Obviously they were not kidding about how competitive this school is about the prom, instantly everyone jumped up yelling and swearing in outrage. I tried for a couple seconds to get everyone clamed down, eventually I resorted to screaming really loud in the manner of my combat drill sergeant in training. It worked like a charm. Being an undercover CIA agent does have some benefits. "Now look. Let's focus. Prom theme. All we need is a new idea." I continued.
Pam suggested "Under the Sea" and I offered "The 80's", both of which were instantly shot down.
"Alright," Guy Perkins, popular type, stood up and said, "Josie."
"That's not a theme," someone laughed.
"Thank you. Uhh.....no, Josie will have the answer." He continued.
Josie slowly stood up, "Well how about 'Meant for Each Other: Famous Couples Throughout History'"
"Absolutely" Guy said. His approval was quickly followed by everyone else's.
If that is not incredible I don't know what is.

May 27, 1999

I am completely exhausted. Why does tomorrow have to be Monday? I spent practically the entire day in the security section of our Chicago office giving statements, taking lie detector tests, and going through a full physiological evaluation as part of the mole hunt. I wasn't arrested so as far as I know I passed. I spoke to Barnes briefly, but he was distant and grim. I can tell things are not going well.
When I got home Courtney came over to pick up a progress report for Devlin. She followed me into the living room while I searched for it.
"What's this? Dartmouth?" Courtney said picking up the flyer I had left on the table, "I thought you went to Stanford?"
"It's not for me it's for one of my students." I explained rolling my eyes.
She opened it up and looked at the name on it, "Josie Geller? Wasn't that the girl we ran into at the club that night?"
"Yeah I believe so," I said wishing she would get off the subject.
"Mike, what are you doing?" She asked.
It was the first time in months that anyone had called me Mike. "What I'm doing, Laura, is my job nothing else," I said coldly and held the disk out to her.
She stared at me gravely for a second before taking the disk. In spite of what I said to her, I know she's right. What I'm doing trying get Josie into college is more effort than is required of a teacher, and is way above and beyond that of an intelligence agent. I can't shake the feeling that am in way over my head here.

May 28, 1999

I did something I shouldn't have today. The prom committee stayed after today to decorate. My job was painting this sunset mural with Josie. We spent the entire time goofing around and smearing paint on each other. It was the most fun I'd had in forever, cheered me up immensely after spending all of yesterday worrying. This time I am sure I was flirting. God what the hell is wrong with me?!
I can see Courtney glaring at me disapprovingly right now.

June 6, 1999

So much has happened in the last eight hours that I have no idea where to start. I guess the beginning is as good a place as any. Tonight was the prom. God how twisted is it for someone who's thirty to be writing that in their journal? Anyway I got a called for an emergency meeting when I was already in the car half way to South Glen South when I got the page, so I had to show up in my tux. Which of course forced me to explain why I was wearing a tux, which lead to hysterical laughter and teasing from the other agents.
Barnes came in and began the meeting, "Hello everyone. I'll get strait to the point," He said gravely, "The good news is we found our mole. It was a junior officer at our Chicago branch. The bad news is what we have been worrying about has come true. The official order came in from Langley yesterday. Our operation has been shut down, pending further investigation." Since there wasn't much to be said, we just left one by one.
I arrived at the prom just as the first few students were entering. I contemplated them young, full of hopes and dreams. To them it was the last night before the rest of their lives, their last night to really be kids. I envied that kind of innocence. I managed to put on a cheerful face for when I had to present the winners for prom court. No need to ruin their happiness with my bad mood. Josie and Guy Perkins won king and queen. As laughable as it is I actually felt proud that it was someone like Josie rather than the popular cheerleader like you'd expect. She looked incredibly beautiful in her tiara and pink ballroom gown that was very flattering....if you know what I mean. In a year of teaching I've learned that it's definitely not unusual for teenage girls to show as much cleavage as humanly possible, it was the first time I had to make a conscious effort not to look though. Watching Josie and her date dancing around the middle of the room under soft purple light didn't help my already miserable mood either. Not only did I feel like the biggest pervert in the world, I was jealous..........of a seventeen year old boy! Right then I was sure that if you looked up "pathetic" in the dictionary you'd see my picture.
I retreated to the back next to the snack table. It's funny how things happened once I noticed Josie standing on the opposite side after her dance. My entire sense of logic told me not to go over to her, but somehow I ended up doing it anyway.
"You make a very beautiful prom queen." I said.
"Thanks you do too," She said and then cringed at herself. I just laughed.
"You know I always feel like a goofball in these penguin suits, like I'm at my own wedding or something," I said and then wondered why I said that. I wanted badly to dance with her. My common sense was screaming at me this time, but I asked anyway. She accepted, even as we were dancing I didn't feel very happy.
"You know it's funny proms always make me sad. They're so final. Graduation. Everyone's scattering, moving on." I said. It was true this was final in many more ways than she knew the mission had been canceled so I'd be sent back to L.A. very soon, empty handed no less...............this would all be over in a matter of weeks. The thought broke my heart.
"Is your girlfriend here?" she asked gently.
"No actually we....we broke up," I answered quickly.
"Oh, that's kind of funny because you know, 'prom' comes from 'promenade' and you can't promenade alone, can you?" she joked.
I laughed along with her, "You're amazing Josie Geller. So have you thought about Dartmouth?" I asked.
She nodded, "Yes, and there's something I want to tell you."
I looked deeply into her eyes, which I knew I shouldn't, and felt like I was actually going to cry. I made a split second decision. I was going to tell her the truth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did graduate with a law degree before joining the CIA, so I am familiar with the term statutory rape, but that law was meant for to people who coerce children into doing things that they might not feel able to refuse, people who want to hurt. I'd rather die than ever see Josie hurt. Besides I didn't even really see her as a child, just a woman........a woman that I felt differently about than any other. No one could actually tell me that my feelings for Josie were wrong or corrupt. I wanted her to know who I really was and that I loved her.
HA! If only I knew what was going to happen next. Josie didn't say anything, she seemed preoccupied. Suddenly she turned away from me and rushed over just in time to knock a can of dog food out of the hands of one of Guy Perkins' friends.
"NOOO!" She screamed. Dog food went flying through the air, landing right in the faces of the three court princesses. They instantly started shrieking at her "I knew it you are a looser!" "You ruin everything!" "You so do not deserve to be prom queen!"
"Let me tell you something...." She snickered, throwing the tiara disdainfully to the floor, ".....I don't care about being your stupid prom queen. I'm 25 years old! I'm an undercover reporter for the Chicago Sun Times and I have been beating my brains out trying to impress you people! I want to tell you something. You people- Kristen, Kirsten, Gibby. You will spend your lives trying to figure out ways to keep others down, because it makes you feel more important. And you will miss out on so much. Why her, huh? Let me tell you something about this girl. She is unbelievable. I was new here, and she befriended me- no questions asked. But you people, you were my friends only after my brother, Rob posed as a student and told you to like me. And to all of you-- there's a big world out there. Bigger than prom. Bigger than high school. When you get there, it won't matter if you were prom queen or the quarterback or the biggest nerd in school. Find out who you are, and try not to be afraid of it." She said.
I keep hearing every word of that speech over and over again in my head. I was so shocked I just had to get out of there. I went outside as quickly as I could and took a seat on a bench. A few minutes later I heard footsteps behind me and a male voice,
" Did you get the story? Josie please tell me you got something on Coulson!"
Coulson....me. It all clicked at that moment. She was doing a story on me. I stood, revealing myself to Josie and her co-worker, who quickly excused himself.
Josie shuffled around awkwardly, "So.....surprise."
That was too much for me. I went off. "Surprise you were doing a story on me?" I demanded.
Her expression fell, "No, I couldn't....I mean....surprise I was hoping...."
"What? You were hoping what, that I'd be happy? Why, because it turns out that all of a sudden I was allowed to be attracted to you?" I snapped.
"You were attracted to me?" She asked.
"God damnit, Josie. You set me up for a story!" I yelled.
"No, I-" She started.
"Just drop the act, okay? I mean, every word out of your mouth as been a complete lie. I don't know you at all!" I said and just walked away and left her there.
I guess when you're angry something shuts off in your brain, that little voice that says 'Who cares? You're not even a real teacher, and besides you lied to her more than she lied to you!'
On the way home I stopped at the same liquor store I did on my first night in Chicago and picked up a small bottle of something called Montezuma White. Cheap tequila with all the flavor of horse pee basically. How's that for irony? The perfect end to the perfect mission. I didn't find SD-8 or even come close, there's no way in hell Josie'll forgive me for lying to her after I was such a hypocrite, so now I go home with nothing more than a wasted year of my life.

June 7, 1999

Since today was my last day as a teacher I'll give a little pop quiz:
Question: What could possibly be worse than the debriefing I went to this morning with a hangover?
Answer: The graduation ceremony I attended afterward! Here's how it went:
Left debriefing and managed to pick up some black coffee and Tylenol on the way to South Glen South.
Got to South Glen South and went inside. Got stares from teachers.
Ceremony started. Got stares from every single senior in the graduating class as they came up on stage. Except Guy Perkins, he avoided me like the plague, and I happily returned the favor. I did feel some empathy toward him though. Poor kid shouldn't have to deal with something this complicated at his age. As soon as the ceremony was over I went strait to my car, drove off, and wished for more of that white tequila crap.

June 8, 1999

I have never been so screwed in my entire life! I spent most of today packing in preparation to return to L.A. I reminded myself about a millionth times that I belonged there. I was Michael Vaughn not Samuel Coulson. My job, my friends, my family, my life was in L.A. not Chicago, and it was time for me to go back to it. I packed the last few items into their respective boxes and picked up the leftover newspapers to toss in the trash when a headline caught my eye. "Never Been Kissed by Josie Geller."

"Someone once told me that to write well you have to write what you know. This is what I know: I am 25 years old and I have never truly kissed a guy. A geek to the core, most of my childhood years were spent doing extra homework I requested from the teacher. Then, at 17 it seemed as if my luck were about to change. The cutest guy asked me to the senior prom. But it turned out he invited me as a cruel joke, and I have never fully recovered. Yes, it is embarrassing to share this with the world, but it would be hard to explain what I learned and how I learned it without sharing this humiliating history…"

I read in awe right down to the last few lines which will no doubt get me into a world of trouble.

"…A certain teacher was hurt on my path to self discovery, and although this article may serve as a step, it in no way makes up for what I did to him. To this man: you know who you are. I am so sorry. And I would like to add one more thing……I think I am in love with you. And so, as an ending to this article and perhaps a beginning to the next chapter of my life, I, Josie Geller, will be at the championship baseball game where my friends the South Glen Rams are playing for the title. I will stand at the pitcher's mound for five minutes prior to the first pitch. If this man accepts my apology, I ask him to come kiss me for my first real kiss."

I couldn't even think for a good twenty minutes. I still barely can. What the hell am I going to do?!

June 10, 1999

It's Saturday now the day after the baseball game. I really don't know whether to kill Weiss or thank him. I pondered over my last question about what to do all night on Thursday and all day on Friday until I finally came up with only one answer.....nothing.
Josie and I were the world's most impossible couple. I forgave her of course, but she would never forgive me. I'd be hurting her by not going, and she'd hate me but there was no other way. I appeared on the curb with my carry on bag at the scheduled time when the CIA van arrived to pick me up.
"Hey Mike," Weiss said politely when they pulled up. He was riding shotgun with Cavanaugh driving, and Daschle and Courtney in the back. No one else said anything, but I could tell from the way they were staring that they had all seen the article. I stared back, daring them to make some snide comment. I guess the picked up on it because one by one they all shifted uncomfortably and looked away. I tossed my bag into the back and took a seat next to Courtney.
I stared out the window and watched the city pass by. For the first time I was actually glad to be going back. The sooner I returned to L.A. the sooner I could put Chicago and South Glen South and this awful year behind me. I was pretty much oblivious until Weiss spoke to Cavanaugh.
"Take exit 6 to Sheffield Street." He said.
"Right," Cavanaugh said and swerved over onto an exit ramp.
"What?" I asked.
"No!" Courtney jumped in, "Take Myrtle Way it's faster!"
"What?! What the hell are you doing?!" I demanded.
"Putting our asses on the line to help you that's what. You owe us buddy." Weiss said.
"Hey, I don't owe you anything! Okay? I am not going to that high school, turn around!" I yelled.
"Oh for God's sake Mike, get over yourself. She didn't do anything worse than you." Courtney said.
I looked at her, "You know of all people I would think you'd be the last to say something like that!"
"Weiss we better step on it." She said glancing at her watch.
"No don't step on it!!!" I said as I felt the car start going faster. I sighed and tried reasoning with them, "Look guys I really appreciate the sentiment. I really do, but this is a lost cause! It could never work out she doesn't even know my real name!"
They ignored me and whipped around a corner pulling into the parking lot of South Glen South. I buried my head in my hands.
"Oh great we're here! Love-ley. Now turn the car around! We have plane to catch!" I said.
Weiss turned around, "Should have checked your ticket Mike."
"What?" I asked, genuinely confused.
He held out his ticket for me to read. "Depart time: 7:30 PM"
I checked my watch..........8:35 PM. I stared at my watch for a couple minutes, looked up to see all four of them grinning at me smugly. I sighed then leaned back in my seat and muttered, "I cannot believe I'm doing this."
"Yeah well you're late! Go!" Weiss said reaching over to open the door for me. As I made my way across the parking lot I barely heard their shouts of good luck. I mind was full of conflicting thoughts.

'This is insane! There are so many news crews here! Devlin is going to kill me! She's going to hate me........'

I made my way through the hall knowing that at the end I'd end up somewhere in the middle of the bleachers. I shoved away the feeling nausea that swept over me. 'Now or never Vaughn. She proved that she wasn't spineless, time for you to do the same.'
I stepped out and hurried down the bleachers toward the field. The crowd went nuts all around me, but I barely noticed. All I could think about was getting to Josie. I jogged across the field and without saying anything swept her into my arms and kissed her. I pulled away just long enough to whisper "Sorry I'm late, I took me forever to get here."
She smiled and said, "I know what you mean,"
Normally that would have bothered me since she had no idea how much she really didn't know what I meant, but I was too caught up in the moment so I just kissed her again.
We were ultimately interrupted by the players running onto the field.
"I think we're in the way," She said laughing.
I laughed along and then took her hand and lead her over to the side. I scanned the crowd and found Eric, Daschle, Cavanaugh and Courtney comfortably in the stands. Obviously they made a pit stop for refreshments first, because when they noticed me looking at them they all raised their cups in salute. My breath caught in my throat.......reality had to hit sometime.
"Sam what's wrong?" Josie asked from next to me, "Who are they?"

**Well that will probably be it until Never Been Aliased itself is finished. Your comments mean so much to me so please review!**