Author: Rae

Title: Indulging the Heart

Rating/summary/notes in the first part

-----~~~~~-----

February 9th,

I learned how to dance. Yay for me. I can now lead and follow, and I guess it makes more sense to learn to do both than to learn to lead only to find out that my partner can't follow. Although, I'm still trying to figure out where Tai learned to dance.

Today marks five days until V-day, and I'm not in any better of a mood. I think I get a day off after dancing lessons, because neither Tai nor Sora mentioned anyone coming over today. I briefly considered calling the guys together for a band practice, but I decided against it.

Instead, I decided to write down the dream I had the other night. I'll tell Sora about it later, and see what she thinks. With things the way they are right now, I know that some things are guaranteed to stay untrue, but I'm curious about some of the rest of it.

No, on second thought, I think I'll keep it to myself. It was just a dream, not some sort of prophetic vision. There's nothing there that can hurt me.

I will not marry Sora, I will not be an astronaut. My brother may become a writer, but I think he's more likely to be a business man or a teacher, or something similarly people-oriented.

As for the rest? Well, they can make and choose their own lives.

And that brings me back to me, I guess. Where am I now? I'm single, out, and I can dance.

You know, this really shouldn't be that hard. I've had girls falling all over themselves to date me, why shouldn't I be able to find some great guy? I've got the looks, I'm a nice enough guy. There has to be someone out there just waiting for me.

I will find him. And even if I don't find him before the fourteenth, that's okay. Because…really, it's just a holiday, right? It doesn't mean anything. I don't want it to mean anything, because I know I'm going to be spending it alone.

Christmas depression holds nothing on Valentine's Day drama. And I…well, I'm a queen, hm? In more ways than one.

-----~~~~~-----

"Dude, if your brother's gay, does that mean you have a higher chance of being gay, too?" Daisuke asked. Takeru gave him a dirty look, and opened his mouth to respond, but Ken saved Daisuke from a tongue-lashing.

"No, Daisuke. There is no proof that it runs through geneology."

"But people are born gay, right? Which means that it's something biological?" the auburn-haired boy.

Miyako sighed, and then hit Daisuke on the back of the head. "We're not having a nature versus nurture conversation. Yamato's gay, Takeru can be whatever he wants to be, and you…" she narrowed her eyes as she paused. "You, are just an idiot."

Hikari laughed, and put an arm around Miyako's shoulders. "You're supposed to be nice to him today, remember?" The purple-haired girl sighed and rolled her eyes. Daisuke shrugged to show that he wasn't affected by her words.

"Hey, Daisuke?" Takeru asked questioningly. He'd been silent up to this point, letting the others talk around him, but now he was the one speaking. Brown eyes turned to the young blond. "Are you interested in my brother?"

There was silence for a while. Daisuke's jaw dropped, Iori choked on his drink, Hikari tittered nervously. Miyako and Ken stared at Daisuke silently, waiting. Finally, Daisuke shrugged. "Why?"

"Because you made a point of saying that you were 'on the list'. I just wondered what you meant." The blond spoke calmly, his voice not hinting at his emotions.

"Um, well," Daisuke rubbed the back of his head in a nervous gesture. "I was just rubbing it in about Jun, really. Because she still doesn't have a chance, ya know? I didn't really -mean- anything by it."

Blue eyes stared into brown for several more seconds, and then Takeru nodded thoughtfully. "I thought your sister was over him, anyway?" he said questioningly, breaking eye contact.

"Well, yeah, she is. She's got a boyfriend, and everything. It's just…I don't know. It was a stupid comment, right?" he shrugged again, looking more uncomfortable every passing second, even though Takeru seemed to be losing interest in their conversation.

Seemed to be. Blue eyes looked sharply back at Daisuke. "You like him, don't you?" Everyone looked at Daisuke again, and he blushed, opening his mouth to respond. No words came out and he shrugged helplessly.

"Congratulations, Takeru. You've done the impossible; made Daisuke speechless," Ken said quietly. He waved a hand in front of Daisuke's face, but the auburn-haired teen ignored it as he finally shut his mouth and slouched, hiding his face in his hands.

"So, Daisuke has a crush on Yamato. Interesting. Is he going to be a jerk, and make sure that we can't set him up? Or is he going to try to win him himself?" Miyako asked to the world at large.

Surprisingly, it was Daisuke who scoffed and answered. "You're kidding me, right? Like I have a chance? I have done nothing since the day I met him but embarrass myself in front of him. I've said so many stupid things, acted like an idiot so many times…I'm surprised sometimes that he even calls me 'friend'. Do you really think I'd waste my time trying to get him to see me as anything else?"

Nobody bothered to argue with his logic, but Takeru had a speculative look on his face.

-----~~~~~-----

My brother and I drifted even further apart sometime after the Digital World. I'm referring to the second time. He proved during our first adventure that he didn't need me, and that fact was pounded home the second time he went, and I was forced to stand on the sidelines and watch him.

I'm afraid of him right now. Of what he's really thinking, feeling. He never used to be this good at emotional privacy, but suddenly, I can't read him at all, and I don't like that. Not one bit.

Does he hate me? Do I disgust him? He hasn't said anything, and the other day, it seemed that…that he just might be okay with it. But he was supposed to come over this weekend, and I just realized that he never did. I'm sitting at home, alone, and he's nowhere around. I think…I think that I'm finally without a freaking clue.

I almost called him, just as I almost called the band, and just as I almost called Koushiro and Jyou to see if I could visit with them. I have this restless feeling, and I know that it's just because I don't want to be alone.

I am not insecure, or weak, or anything like that, either. I'm just…very human. It is human to desire companionship, and I think it's pretty easy to see that my dad isn't home enough to count for that. The last time we sat down and had a conversation was at breakfast this morning. I told him about my dancing lessons last night…and he asked me if I was in love with Tai.

That's something that kind of bugs me. It seems like it's okay if I'm gay, but suddenly, if I'm gay, then it must be Tai, right? Because there is so much chemistry, and so much in common, and we're best friends, and we're so cute together…

Alright, I've thought about the two of us, too. Quite a lot in the past three days, actually. And I've come to a conclusion: We would have killed each other. I need someone that I can be in control with, someone that I can be…Gah, I need to be seme! That's all there is to it! I may like guys, yes, but I need a guy that will let -me- be the man!

And that sounds just so very wrong, compared to what I want.

I need someone who can get me out of my funk, someone who can stand to be around me when I'm in a funk. I need someone loyal, someone who's been around long enough to know me and some of my history.

In short, I need the male version of Sora, and I really don't see that happening.

-----~~~~~-----

"I didn't expect you to come over," Yamato stated honestly, watching as his brother took his shoes off. "What's up, little brother?"

Takeru shrugged, moving through to the kitchen. His face was pensive, and there was tension in the lines of his body. Yamato followed him, leaning against the frame of the doorway, his eyes steady.

"Did you tell mom?" he asked, not really expecting an answer.

"No. I figured that you could tell her," the younger blond answered, turning around with a soda pop can in hand. "Did you tell dad?"

"Yeah. This morning. Told him about my dancing lessons. He seemed okay with it."

"Is it Tai?" Takeru asked, his eyes on his brother's face.

Yamato rolled his eyes and shook his head. "No. No, it's not Tai. I can't really imagine the two of us in a loving relationship, you know? Besides the fact that he and Sora are in love with each other, we're just too set in our paths to be anything more than friends."

"Do you really think you'll find someone to date by the fourteenth?" Was the next question. Yamato paused, then shook his head.

"No. I don't see that happening. Not enough time to get to know someone, you know? Sure, I hang with the guys in the band, and there are a couple that I actually talk to at school, but my entire social life consists of Tai, Sora, and you."

"There's always one of the destined," Takeru pointed out. His face was still stiff, still impassive, and Yamato sighed.

"What's the matter, Takeru? What's bothering you?" he asked. He was surprised to see Takeru's eyes fill with tears, and in the next moment, Yamato's arms were wrapped around his brother as he cried into his shirt.

He listened and caught the soft, tear-filled mumblings that came from his brother's mouth, and he tightened his arms, holding him close and whispering words of comfort.

-----~~~~~-----

I drove Takeru to Daisuke's house an hour ago, because that's where he'd asked to go. It makes me wonder exactly what their relationship is now.

I didn't pry. It's enough that I know that he's gay, and that he knows that I'm okay with that. For the past couple of days, I'd been afraid of actually finding out what he thought of me liking guys, and then I find out that -he- was the one who had a crush on Tai, even if he's grown out of that's stage.

He didn't tell me if he liked anyone now, but he did make it clear that he was over the crush he'd once had on my best friend. I didn't mind that he liked Tai, but I was worried about how he would feel now that Tai, for the first time, was 'taken'. After his initial burst of crying, he seemed okay.

My little brother…it seems so strange. Out of all the things that he have in common, and out of all our little differences, I find it so odd that this would be something we share. The only thing that bothers me is the fact that he knew his own feelings long before I even bothered to look at mine. I know I tend to get absorbed in other things, but I didn't realize that I was -that- out of touch with myself.

I'm ashamed that he had to worry about my reaction. I guess that I fooled a lot more people than just myself by going out with Sora for three years. I don't know when I gave him the impression that I'd mind it if he dated other guys, but I can't blame him for jumping to that conclusion. I've been doing the same exact thing.

-----~~~~~-----

Yamato smiled at his mother, then continued eating. He had called her after a couple of hours of thinking at home, and she had invited him over to eat to replace Takeru who was 'visiting one of his friends and won't be home'. The older blond had decided to take advantage of the offer.

He was actually more calm than he would have suspected. Their mother was the person who had stood by through all of their adventures and misadventures. She had placed her trust in them long ago that they would do what was best for themselves. His mind was very happy to believe that she'd accept them with an open-heart and open arms.

Dinner was finished before he'd managed to bring the subject up, and as he helped her clear away dishes, he realized that there wasn't going to be another opportunity where he felt quite as confident.

"I'm gay," Yamato announced to the kitchen at large. His mother was standing at the sink, her back to him as she rinsed their plates, and he was standing behind her, hanging onto the bowls with clenched fists. "Takeru is, too."

It probably wasn't the best way to make such an announcement. The tensing of her shoulders was her only reaction for several moments, and then she turned to look at him, her brows drawn together in a frown. Their eyes met, and he could see the same eyes that his brother had inherited staring back at him.

Before he could say anything more, she moved forward and folded him into a hug. "This makes you both happy?" she asked, her voice muffled by his shirt.

His arms came up to hug her back, and he pressed his cheek against the top of her head. "I don't know about me yet, but Takeru seems happy with it." At least, he was going to make sure that his brother found a reason to be happy about it. He drew in a breath. "I didn't even realize it until Sora and I broke up," he admitted quietly.

His mother chuckled softly, and pulled back to look up at him, her eyes and lips both smiling. "As long as you boys are happy, I'm happy. Just realize that dating guys still has the same rules as dating girls. You will have a curfew, you will not get him pregnant unless you're ready to marry him, and you will not marry him without us meeting him first. Understood?"

He laughed, smiling down at her with a relieved expression. "Tell Takeru that the first chance you get, please?" he asked, his smile turning into a grin.