Title: Welcome to Ohio
Author: Firefly Lantern
Rating: PG-13 for language and violence
Disclaimer: JRR owns the LOTR characters. Any other modern things mentioned here belong to the makers, etc. But this is my story!
Oh, and P.S. MOVIE SPOLIERS AHEAD!!!! Avert thine eyes, Never-Ringers! This story is meant to be funny and not taken too seriously. Sorry for not updating in such a long time! :o )
"Well, are we safe?" Lily asked bluntly as Pippin took the hand she was swatting at him and began planting quick little kisses on her knuckles.
"I. We don't know for certain." Aragorn bowed his head in embarrassment.
"That's so reassuring." Sarah commented dryly.
"Um, not that I want to ruin this depressing moment, but where the heck is Gimli? You know, the stout, gruff-talking Dwarf who likes to run after things with a battle ax?" Jen coughed, quirking an eyebrow. She sat on the couch and gave Frodo a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie. Sam and Merry noticed the plate of warm cookies and pounced on Jen like a pair of hungry wild dogs. She squeaked and was swallowed by a merciless mass of Hobbit hands and feet.
"We lost him." Gandalf said shortly. He tried to light his pipe, but the evil look Lily gave him told him he better not even think about it.
"Ohmigod! Gimli died?"
"No. We lost him. . . Literally. One night we passed a festering scum-pond of a tavern called the . Dusky Peaks. We believed it to be a tavern like the many found in Middle-Earth. However, once we entered, we discovered we had wandered into something known in Ohio as a . strip joint." Gandalf shook his head in disgust. Lily noticed Legolas' blush crept to his ears and a happy little twinkle lit Merry's dark eyes. "Hmmmph!" The wizard's beard shook as he spoke, "We made way to leave when the police arrived and the crowd scattered. Everyone made it out safely, but Gimli was no where to be found . Without your help, we have no way of getting him back."
Lily, Jen, and Sarah stared at one another in open-mouthed, wide-eyed shock. It was enough of a shock that the Fellowship was in their house, but it was almost too much to believe that the 9 men had already gotten themselves into so much trouble.
"You went from being the leaders of a cult to nearly getting arrested in a strip joint? Psh! Hell, you're more American than all three of us put together!" Jen snorted and shook her head. Lily snorted and burst into laughter. The Fellowship-minus one cranky Dwarf-looked at both girls with serious, saddened puppy-like eyes.
This was no joking matter.
"How can we help you? We have school on Monday! I know it's only Friday night, but if I told my mom the slumber party was going 'on the road' to look for a lost Dwarf, she would put me in a mental hospital! Not to mention seriously ground me for life. It's the same with Sarah and Jen; we can't just up and leave! We can't miss school, or we will get into trouble." Lily bit her lip.
"Unless you blow up the school?" Jen said in a small, hopeful voice.
"Well, I-" Gandalf began with a prideful chortle, but Aragorn shook his head.
"If all you can spare is the weekend, then we must hurry before Monday comes. When it is time for you to return to school, we shall revise our plan. Deal?"
"Deal!" The three best friends nodded in unison. They looked at one another with a mixture of dread, excitement, and stunned disbelief.
"Um. So now what do we do? If Mom catches us, or finds us missing, or puts a bulletin in the morning news because we were abducted by a gang of Lord of the Rings fans." Lily shook her head just thinking about the horror of her mother's wrath.
"She, your little sister, and your father will be asleep until Monday morning. I slipped a little something into their vanilla bean tea. I do not advise using any more of the bags, young woman." Gandalf poked the side of his nose and winked.
"You spiked my favourite tea? My imported vanilla bean tea? You know, it's one thing to stalk a girl, but don't go messing with her tea now." She huffed haughtily. Pippin patted her knee in tender consolation; he also watched Legolas from the corner of his eye. Lily swore she heard a low warning growl grumble from Legolas' closed lips, but the noise probably came from Pip's rumbling tummy. "Okay, sorry for freaking out. It's just tea; it's nothing compared to the problem we have in trying to find Gimli. Would he be at the police department, you think?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Chances are good they couldn't keep him long, or charge him with anything. He's a Dwarf! They don't have driver's licenses or social security numbers." Sarah pointed out.
"Yeah. Good thinking. We need to check the homeless shelters first. And maybe the mental hospitals? Gimli seems like the kind of guy to disregard tact, especially when it comes to what his race is. God, I can just see the faces of the officers!" Jen mocked, "Hey look at me! I'm a Dwarf with a battle-ax! Grrrrr!".
"Jen, you make a lovely Dwarf." Lily laughed.
"Thank you." Jen bowed.
"I'm going to go grab some clothes so we can leave right away. I'm sure we'll need some other stuff like duct tape, flashlights ."
"Lip gloss." Sarah muttered out of the corner of her mouth and glanced slyly in Legolas' direction.
". A blanket, city map, pliers . " Lily took inventory out loud as she wandered up the stairs toward her bedroom. She was too preoccupied with her thoughts to notice the loud, bear-like snores rolling from her parents' bedroom. Suddenly, Lily realized she would be leaving her safe home for an insane adventure in the big city. Gimli wouldn't be too hard to find, right?
She brooded as she stuffed a sweatshirt into her school-issued marching band duffle bag. God, this was crazy! She had the sexy, swoon-worthy Legolas standing in her living room! And she was so afraid of him, she didn't even dare to talk to him.
"Ugh!" Lily took out her aggression by slamming the sweatshirt into her bag and pounding it with a closed fist. Vanity took over, and she tore the garment from her bag and opted to pack a sea-blue fuzzy sweater instead. For extra warmth, she put on a jet-black sweater coat with a hood. It was a Discount Bin special; Lily always shopped at the discount second-hand store and usually found awesome stuff for cheap. The swear coat only cost three dollars for whatever reason, but it looked as if it should have been on a mannequin at the mall. The sleeves were long and flowing; the cuffs were lacey and draped slightly.
Noooooo, she wasn't dressing up to catch the attention of a certain Elf. Really.
She ughed again and grimaced at her own stupidity. ~In a million years, Lily~ her inner voice spat acid. She busied herself with putting undies and socks into the duffle bag before she changed her mind and switched the sea- blue sweater for the gray sweatshirt.
Lily packed her best makeup, just in case .
Disclaimer: JRR owns the LOTR characters. Any other modern things mentioned here belong to the makers, etc. But this is my story!
Oh, and P.S. MOVIE SPOLIERS AHEAD!!!! Avert thine eyes, Never-Ringers! This story is meant to be funny and not taken too seriously. Sorry for not updating in such a long time! :o )
"Well, are we safe?" Lily asked bluntly as Pippin took the hand she was swatting at him and began planting quick little kisses on her knuckles.
"I. We don't know for certain." Aragorn bowed his head in embarrassment.
"That's so reassuring." Sarah commented dryly.
"Um, not that I want to ruin this depressing moment, but where the heck is Gimli? You know, the stout, gruff-talking Dwarf who likes to run after things with a battle ax?" Jen coughed, quirking an eyebrow. She sat on the couch and gave Frodo a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie. Sam and Merry noticed the plate of warm cookies and pounced on Jen like a pair of hungry wild dogs. She squeaked and was swallowed by a merciless mass of Hobbit hands and feet.
"We lost him." Gandalf said shortly. He tried to light his pipe, but the evil look Lily gave him told him he better not even think about it.
"Ohmigod! Gimli died?"
"No. We lost him. . . Literally. One night we passed a festering scum-pond of a tavern called the . Dusky Peaks. We believed it to be a tavern like the many found in Middle-Earth. However, once we entered, we discovered we had wandered into something known in Ohio as a . strip joint." Gandalf shook his head in disgust. Lily noticed Legolas' blush crept to his ears and a happy little twinkle lit Merry's dark eyes. "Hmmmph!" The wizard's beard shook as he spoke, "We made way to leave when the police arrived and the crowd scattered. Everyone made it out safely, but Gimli was no where to be found . Without your help, we have no way of getting him back."
Lily, Jen, and Sarah stared at one another in open-mouthed, wide-eyed shock. It was enough of a shock that the Fellowship was in their house, but it was almost too much to believe that the 9 men had already gotten themselves into so much trouble.
"You went from being the leaders of a cult to nearly getting arrested in a strip joint? Psh! Hell, you're more American than all three of us put together!" Jen snorted and shook her head. Lily snorted and burst into laughter. The Fellowship-minus one cranky Dwarf-looked at both girls with serious, saddened puppy-like eyes.
This was no joking matter.
"How can we help you? We have school on Monday! I know it's only Friday night, but if I told my mom the slumber party was going 'on the road' to look for a lost Dwarf, she would put me in a mental hospital! Not to mention seriously ground me for life. It's the same with Sarah and Jen; we can't just up and leave! We can't miss school, or we will get into trouble." Lily bit her lip.
"Unless you blow up the school?" Jen said in a small, hopeful voice.
"Well, I-" Gandalf began with a prideful chortle, but Aragorn shook his head.
"If all you can spare is the weekend, then we must hurry before Monday comes. When it is time for you to return to school, we shall revise our plan. Deal?"
"Deal!" The three best friends nodded in unison. They looked at one another with a mixture of dread, excitement, and stunned disbelief.
"Um. So now what do we do? If Mom catches us, or finds us missing, or puts a bulletin in the morning news because we were abducted by a gang of Lord of the Rings fans." Lily shook her head just thinking about the horror of her mother's wrath.
"She, your little sister, and your father will be asleep until Monday morning. I slipped a little something into their vanilla bean tea. I do not advise using any more of the bags, young woman." Gandalf poked the side of his nose and winked.
"You spiked my favourite tea? My imported vanilla bean tea? You know, it's one thing to stalk a girl, but don't go messing with her tea now." She huffed haughtily. Pippin patted her knee in tender consolation; he also watched Legolas from the corner of his eye. Lily swore she heard a low warning growl grumble from Legolas' closed lips, but the noise probably came from Pip's rumbling tummy. "Okay, sorry for freaking out. It's just tea; it's nothing compared to the problem we have in trying to find Gimli. Would he be at the police department, you think?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Chances are good they couldn't keep him long, or charge him with anything. He's a Dwarf! They don't have driver's licenses or social security numbers." Sarah pointed out.
"Yeah. Good thinking. We need to check the homeless shelters first. And maybe the mental hospitals? Gimli seems like the kind of guy to disregard tact, especially when it comes to what his race is. God, I can just see the faces of the officers!" Jen mocked, "Hey look at me! I'm a Dwarf with a battle-ax! Grrrrr!".
"Jen, you make a lovely Dwarf." Lily laughed.
"Thank you." Jen bowed.
"I'm going to go grab some clothes so we can leave right away. I'm sure we'll need some other stuff like duct tape, flashlights ."
"Lip gloss." Sarah muttered out of the corner of her mouth and glanced slyly in Legolas' direction.
". A blanket, city map, pliers . " Lily took inventory out loud as she wandered up the stairs toward her bedroom. She was too preoccupied with her thoughts to notice the loud, bear-like snores rolling from her parents' bedroom. Suddenly, Lily realized she would be leaving her safe home for an insane adventure in the big city. Gimli wouldn't be too hard to find, right?
She brooded as she stuffed a sweatshirt into her school-issued marching band duffle bag. God, this was crazy! She had the sexy, swoon-worthy Legolas standing in her living room! And she was so afraid of him, she didn't even dare to talk to him.
"Ugh!" Lily took out her aggression by slamming the sweatshirt into her bag and pounding it with a closed fist. Vanity took over, and she tore the garment from her bag and opted to pack a sea-blue fuzzy sweater instead. For extra warmth, she put on a jet-black sweater coat with a hood. It was a Discount Bin special; Lily always shopped at the discount second-hand store and usually found awesome stuff for cheap. The swear coat only cost three dollars for whatever reason, but it looked as if it should have been on a mannequin at the mall. The sleeves were long and flowing; the cuffs were lacey and draped slightly.
Noooooo, she wasn't dressing up to catch the attention of a certain Elf. Really.
She ughed again and grimaced at her own stupidity. ~In a million years, Lily~ her inner voice spat acid. She busied herself with putting undies and socks into the duffle bag before she changed her mind and switched the sea- blue sweater for the gray sweatshirt.
Lily packed her best makeup, just in case .