Disclaimer: Roses are Red/Violets are Blue/Me no Own/So you no Sue
Never Trust a Short, Green ManBy GS2aholic
"Getting tired of the old exhibits at the Membrane Science Museum? What's wrong with you? They are ALL exciting!" The TV blared through the base and GIR giggle in excitement as the words echoed through his head. Zim stood behind him, back turned, working on an upgrade for Minimoose.
"Either way, a new one is opening up to make you smarter than ever! Here's an obviously rendered dramatization."
"Minimoose! Your update is completed!" Zim said, turning around. Minimoose squeaked in response from his spot on GIR's head but didn't get a reply. Zim was watching the TV.
A large girl with green hair and a lollipop waddled onto the screen, looking wide-eyed at a giant Easter bunny. It hopped away and she followed, in awe of it's fluffiness. She reached out and touched it but was electrocuted with 'brain waves of doom' as the TV captioned. A tall, skinny woman with blue hair, glasses and a lab coat stood where the girl had been.
"See?! Wasn't that AMAZING? The holiday robot exhibit is opening up next week! Come over today!"
Zim grinned evilly and rubbed his hands together, forgetting the chip and crumbling it.
"I have a plan! And it's INGENIOUS! These foolish humans do not know that they are bringing their doom upon themselves."
"We're gonna make 'em smarter?" GIR asked, turning off the TV and looking at his master.
"No GIR, we are going to destroy them. Like we have always been doing."
"Oh yeah!"
"But what holiday stink creature shall I use?"
"Leprechauns!" GIR screamed wildly. He tucked Minimoose under his arm and ran up the walls and into a hole in the ceiling.
Zim tapped his fingers together in thought and the dust from Minimoose's chip fell to the floor.
"I suppose I will have to decide tomorrow. It is time for my routine checkup with the Tallests." He turned on his heel and marched away.
~~~~~
"Class, the skool board is forcing me to teach you the horrible truth about St. Patrick's Day. Since we lack funds, the paper and pencils were sold and you must now write on toilet paper with a rock." Miss Bitters announces this with her usual growl and passed out small 4x4 pieces of toilet paper and a pebble to each student. Zim's eyes twitched at the thin sheet.
"Whatsa matter Zim? Never seen toilet paper before? I'll bet you don't even know what its for!" Dib taunted from a crossed the room. On his face was an adorable little smile as he eyed the alien closely.
"Silly Earth worm! I have plenty of this 'toilet paper' at home and have had my fill today with its sweetness." Zim patted his stomach and shot a look over at Dib in triumph. Dib raised an eyebrow at him and was about to speak when an inhuman roar escaped Miss Bitters. He turned and faked attention. Zim tutted his tongue and began to write down what Miss Bitters said.
"St. Patrick's Day was discovered by St. Patrick. He was a tiny man who wore green all the time and ran around making fun of people. If the people caught him, he would give them his gold and taunt the next person. St. Patrick died when a freakishly obese man sat on him in a café and was doomed," This word was long and drawn out, "to spending all eternity getting stalked by horrible people and giving away his unlimited amount of gold that he could not spend that was at the end of a Rainbow."
Zim stopped writing and grinned. He had come up with the perfect plan! He giggled softly, laughed a little louder and suddenly the room was filled with Zim laughter than makes you melt like ice-cream shrimp. When a ball of toilet paper flew through the air and hit his head, he coughed and stopped though his smile did not fade.
~~~~~
When Zim got home from skool, he immediately went to the Lab. He went into an inhumanly large room labeled 'Used Stuff' and rummaged through tons of machinery for about an hour before he cleared enough space around an old project.
"Ah, my teleporter machine! I'm glad I saved it." He walked around it and frowned. "Stupid Santa. He ruined it with his STUPID Santa stuff! GIR!"
GIR flew through the open door and landed dramatically in front of Zim. "Yes?"
"Go get me a Slurpie. It's going to be a long night."
~~~~~
The next day, Zim wasn't in class. Actually, he wasn't in class for the rest of the week. Dib glared at the empty desk everyday, willing Zim to pop up suddenly with a good excuse. Every afternoon he would walk home from skool with his sister and list his suspicions about what he was doing.
"I'll bet he's looking up the proper uses for toilet paper." Dib snorted laughter at his joke.
"Shut up Dib, your voice sickens me." Gaz mumbled and turned up the music to her GS2. Dib pretended not to hear that and continued his ranting.
"Maybe he has realized that he's wasting his time and went back to his home planet."
Gaz turned up the sidewalk to their house and slammed the door in Dib's face once she got inside. Dib rubbed his nose when he entered and sat next to her on the couch, listing off ideas of what he should do to find out what Zim was doing.
~~~~~
Zim sat down on the floor and rubbed his forehead. Finally, it was completed and fully functional. To test it, he had set a Slurpie down on the platform and called up the Tallests to see if they got it. They had, as they were fighting over it when Zim called. As a side project, he had the Computer build an extremely large cage made of iron that was shaped like a large pot of gold. The door on one side was shaped like a coin and opened when someone stepped though the sensors.
"One last thing to build before my project is completed!" Zim stood from his spot on the floor and walked to another area. Underneath about three layers of dust were the elves he had used for Christmas.
"Computer! Put on these robots large green hats, green clothes and long brown beards."
"Awwwr, but they are cute the way they are!" The computer said.
"Just obey me!" Zim shook his hand at the ceiling and the computer obeyed. Once finished, people who could only see the color green would rejoice as everything on the robots' bodies were green except for the beard and the whites of their eyes.
GIR walked into the room, hugging a stuffed pig to his body and sucking on a sucker.
"LEPRICHAUNS!" GIR announced, dropping his piggy and inhaling his sucker. He bounced up and onto his Master's head, gazing at the robots.
"No GIR! They are tiny St. Patricks!"
"They're the same thing."
"Nonsense! I am the master and I am always right." GIR nodded and jumped off his head. Minimoose floated into the room and looked at the robots. He squeaked.
"No, St. Patricks. GIR, stop filling Minimoose's head with nonsense."
"I understand!" GIR stuck out his tongue and just stared at the robots for a while.
Minimoose squeaked.
"I preprogrammed them to come back to the cage whenever they have attracted a human. I've decided to move the cage somewhere in Ohio since not that many people live there and there is a big field I can put it in." Zim laughed lightly at his cleverness then continued. "For this foul Rainbow, I'm using a human prism and putting it at just the right angle in front of the sun. I surprise myself at how clever I am."
Zim tilted back his head and let out maniacal laughter. GIR and Minimoose joined in and the base was filled with the kind of laughter that stays with the listener for all eternity.
To be continued…