Lost In Stormy Visions
Chapter 16
Monica stood periphery of the assembled group. She looked around the sea of black and saw nothing that struck her as unusual, out of the ordinary. And yet it was unusual, was out of the ordinary course of life that she was here. She kept looking for the person who was responsible, hoping somehow he or she would appear for one last time. But it looked as if she was robbed of even that slim hope after a few moments of fruitless searching. Her eyes came back to what they had been studying before-the little white casket amid the sea of people dressed in black.
She looked a little up from the casket to see John and Barbara. John's eyes were red-rimmed as he kept on arm around his sobbing wife. Despair and grief were etched into their faces, in what seemed like at that moment, for all eternity. To Monica, they seemed a little detached to each other, as if each had been swallowed up by their own grief. As much as they may have wanted to comfort each other, both were fighting their inner demons right now. They had wounds that would never really heal, that would be with for the rest of their lives.
And for Monica too, she thought surprisingly and yet unsurprised. After finding Luke's body she had tried to become detached from her own sorrow, from blaming herself for Luke's death. She tried not to think that the reason they were all here right now was because of her, because she couldn't find Luke in time to save him. She knew her feelings were irrational, but that's just what feelings were sometimes. This case would stay with her the rest of her life.
The priest said his final words and said something about a gathering at the Doggett home. The mourners started to disperse. Monica inwardly sighed and turned. The Big Man had already given her another case in an attempt to focus her mind on something else. Monica's heart wasn't in it truth be told, but life had to carry on. There were others who needed her help if she could give it to them.
"Agent Reyes!"
Monica turned around before she had gotten more than a few steps and found herself face to face with John. She could feel the tears welling up inside of her at the sight of him. His grief emanating from him threatened to consume her. Monica tried to speak the words she had been meaning to for days, "I'm so..."
John shook his head, waving away her apology. "You did everythin' you could. I know you did. There was just nothin' to go on."
Monica looked deep into his eyes and knew that he spoke the truth to her. And yet she saw something there, something that told her that he didn't blame her, but blamed himself. She wanted to reassure him but she didn't get the chance because John spoke.
"Will you....will you becomin' back to the house? I know Barbara and I...."
It was Monica's turn to shake her head. "I'm sorry, I..." But how was she to tell him that she had another case, that life was moving on? But she had to tell him. As painful as it was he had to know. "Due to lack of leads, the investigation is being made inactive."
She could see anger in his eyes, see it in the tensing of his muscles. He was powerless to stop it as he had been powerless to save his son. But Monica wanted to reassure him, to let him know what she had decided to do. "But I just wanted to let you know that I won't give up."
John nodded once, gratefully. Monica knew that he too would never give up so long as Luke's killer was free.
There was an awkward silence between the two for a few moments. Then Monica brought up something she knew would be painful, and yet at the same time she thought it might be a clue. She needed his help though to interpret the vision they had seen. It was the only thing she had to go on. "I wanted to, to talk to you about what we saw, the vision we saw when we found...."
Monica got no further than that. John's temper flared. Quietly, so as not to draw attention to themselves, but angrily John said, "There was no vision, okay?! Whatever we saw was just a figment of our imagination!"
Monica was taken aback at his vehemence. She opened her mouth to protest that it had to be real if they both saw it, but then she closed her mouth. It was pointless to argue with him right now. Maybe after he had had some time to cool off.
John for his part was immediately sorry for his outburst, in so far as that it might have caused Monica pain. "I'm sorry," John said quietly, all anger gone from his voice. "I just don't believe that we saw anything, or if we did, it doesn't mean anything."
Monica, although disagreeing with his assessment of the vision, accepted his apology.
John tried one more time to get Monica to come over the house. He was, as was Monica, reluctant to say good-bye after all they had gone through together. After all the tragedy that had brought them together, was this the end? He had a life to get back to and so did she. Monica thanked him, but declined.
John put out his hand. Monica accepted his offer and yet she wished she could hug him, hold him, as she had done out there in that field just a few days ago. She wanted to ease his pain and yet she knew in her heart there was really nothing that could be done. He would carry his pain and grief alone to the bitter end. That's just the sort of man he was. He would always blame himself. He would never be able to do enough or suffer enough for Luke's death.
Hesitatingly, John said, "I just want you to know, how much I appreciated...how I..." John couldn't get the words out but Monica nodded her head. She understood so John said suddenly. "Luke would have liked you-a lot."
Monica's heart wrenched again. Just when she thought it could take no more grief, she realized how much of a compliment John had given her. She said, "I know I would have liked him a lot too."
And for the briefest of moments, a smile lit up John's face. For a moment, Monica caught the glimpse of John before all this care and worry had turned his world up side down. She hoped that someday, he would be able to smile and laugh, his heart happier, that it was now.
"Good-bye," said John reluctantly releasing Monica's hand. "You'll let me know if...."
"Yes, I will," said Monica. "Good-bye."
John looked at her one last time, conveying all his gratitude to her in that one look, before turning back and disappearing into the crowd of mourners. Monica watched the direction he had gone in for a few moments before turning around and heading toward her own car.
Chapter 16
Monica stood periphery of the assembled group. She looked around the sea of black and saw nothing that struck her as unusual, out of the ordinary. And yet it was unusual, was out of the ordinary course of life that she was here. She kept looking for the person who was responsible, hoping somehow he or she would appear for one last time. But it looked as if she was robbed of even that slim hope after a few moments of fruitless searching. Her eyes came back to what they had been studying before-the little white casket amid the sea of people dressed in black.
She looked a little up from the casket to see John and Barbara. John's eyes were red-rimmed as he kept on arm around his sobbing wife. Despair and grief were etched into their faces, in what seemed like at that moment, for all eternity. To Monica, they seemed a little detached to each other, as if each had been swallowed up by their own grief. As much as they may have wanted to comfort each other, both were fighting their inner demons right now. They had wounds that would never really heal, that would be with for the rest of their lives.
And for Monica too, she thought surprisingly and yet unsurprised. After finding Luke's body she had tried to become detached from her own sorrow, from blaming herself for Luke's death. She tried not to think that the reason they were all here right now was because of her, because she couldn't find Luke in time to save him. She knew her feelings were irrational, but that's just what feelings were sometimes. This case would stay with her the rest of her life.
The priest said his final words and said something about a gathering at the Doggett home. The mourners started to disperse. Monica inwardly sighed and turned. The Big Man had already given her another case in an attempt to focus her mind on something else. Monica's heart wasn't in it truth be told, but life had to carry on. There were others who needed her help if she could give it to them.
"Agent Reyes!"
Monica turned around before she had gotten more than a few steps and found herself face to face with John. She could feel the tears welling up inside of her at the sight of him. His grief emanating from him threatened to consume her. Monica tried to speak the words she had been meaning to for days, "I'm so..."
John shook his head, waving away her apology. "You did everythin' you could. I know you did. There was just nothin' to go on."
Monica looked deep into his eyes and knew that he spoke the truth to her. And yet she saw something there, something that told her that he didn't blame her, but blamed himself. She wanted to reassure him but she didn't get the chance because John spoke.
"Will you....will you becomin' back to the house? I know Barbara and I...."
It was Monica's turn to shake her head. "I'm sorry, I..." But how was she to tell him that she had another case, that life was moving on? But she had to tell him. As painful as it was he had to know. "Due to lack of leads, the investigation is being made inactive."
She could see anger in his eyes, see it in the tensing of his muscles. He was powerless to stop it as he had been powerless to save his son. But Monica wanted to reassure him, to let him know what she had decided to do. "But I just wanted to let you know that I won't give up."
John nodded once, gratefully. Monica knew that he too would never give up so long as Luke's killer was free.
There was an awkward silence between the two for a few moments. Then Monica brought up something she knew would be painful, and yet at the same time she thought it might be a clue. She needed his help though to interpret the vision they had seen. It was the only thing she had to go on. "I wanted to, to talk to you about what we saw, the vision we saw when we found...."
Monica got no further than that. John's temper flared. Quietly, so as not to draw attention to themselves, but angrily John said, "There was no vision, okay?! Whatever we saw was just a figment of our imagination!"
Monica was taken aback at his vehemence. She opened her mouth to protest that it had to be real if they both saw it, but then she closed her mouth. It was pointless to argue with him right now. Maybe after he had had some time to cool off.
John for his part was immediately sorry for his outburst, in so far as that it might have caused Monica pain. "I'm sorry," John said quietly, all anger gone from his voice. "I just don't believe that we saw anything, or if we did, it doesn't mean anything."
Monica, although disagreeing with his assessment of the vision, accepted his apology.
John tried one more time to get Monica to come over the house. He was, as was Monica, reluctant to say good-bye after all they had gone through together. After all the tragedy that had brought them together, was this the end? He had a life to get back to and so did she. Monica thanked him, but declined.
John put out his hand. Monica accepted his offer and yet she wished she could hug him, hold him, as she had done out there in that field just a few days ago. She wanted to ease his pain and yet she knew in her heart there was really nothing that could be done. He would carry his pain and grief alone to the bitter end. That's just the sort of man he was. He would always blame himself. He would never be able to do enough or suffer enough for Luke's death.
Hesitatingly, John said, "I just want you to know, how much I appreciated...how I..." John couldn't get the words out but Monica nodded her head. She understood so John said suddenly. "Luke would have liked you-a lot."
Monica's heart wrenched again. Just when she thought it could take no more grief, she realized how much of a compliment John had given her. She said, "I know I would have liked him a lot too."
And for the briefest of moments, a smile lit up John's face. For a moment, Monica caught the glimpse of John before all this care and worry had turned his world up side down. She hoped that someday, he would be able to smile and laugh, his heart happier, that it was now.
"Good-bye," said John reluctantly releasing Monica's hand. "You'll let me know if...."
"Yes, I will," said Monica. "Good-bye."
John looked at her one last time, conveying all his gratitude to her in that one look, before turning back and disappearing into the crowd of mourners. Monica watched the direction he had gone in for a few moments before turning around and heading toward her own car.