Chapter 19-Xuyan
When I heard about Syaoran I was shocked.
Syaoran was younger than me by five months, which meant I was born in February. Most people don't take that seriously, but ever since the family was lost and Syaoran went to Japan, I had looked at him more as my little brother then as a cousin my age. So it was grievous news to me.
So I hurried to Japan.
Syaoran had changed. Even before, when he was drinking the draught, he had never been as thin as he was when I first saw him. Perhaps it was the light. He use to have this glowing light in his eyes, a light of determination. Now it was gone. His eyes were a pale white. It made my eyes water to see him like that.
He was skin and bones. It wasn't enough that he was as pale as snow but he was literally skin and bones and the worst thing was I couldn't blame Yue for it. He suddenly looked so frail and weak I was almost afraid to touch him.
He must have sensed my aura because he stretched out his hands to me blindly. I responded and embraced him and I realized he was afraid, for he was trembling. It was no wonder-his father had left him too. Yukito had to go back to his school if he wanted to pass his courses. Touya had to also, so they really had no choice. He was staying over at Eriol's and Kaho gave him some comfort, but he tried his best not to depend on her.
" It's okay Syao." I tried to soothe him. " I'm here. You're safe."
He needed so badly to feel safe that he believed me, and as I lead him back to
his room he clung onto me as if I was the last thing he had.
I stayed with Syaoran all the time for the next few days because he was too
nervous to let me go. I remembered all the foolish arguments we had and felt the
irony of it all. I almost didn't recognize Syaoran.
He always felt safer when he felt the warmth of someone near him and the aura wrapped around him. Before it use to be Yue who did this, but since Yue was gone, Syaoran let me do it, and it actually made me feel pleasant because I felt I was doing something for him, instead of aimlessly looking on from afar.
Other times when I couldn't do it Kaho did, so there was always someone with Syaoran. It was a smart thing, that idea. It gave him a way to protect himself. Whenever he needed help someone was always there.
It was very efficient and after a long time Syaoran began coming around. He began smiling and sometimes laughing slightly, although it was always soft and short. One time I heard him singing, but for some reason he cut off in the middle and didn't begin again. Perhaps that singing reminded him of what he could no longer do.
One day he asked me to play the cello.
He said he could no longer play. He no longer had the strength nor will. So I reluctantly took out his cello and some music.
He sat there in front of me, listening to me, as if dumbfounded. As if he had never heard me play before. As if he never heard the cello or all the wonderful pieces by Schumann and Beethoven and Tchaikovsky.
He didn't know that I was watching him while I was playing. I was looking at his blind eyes staring right through me. The way his hands were folded in his lap, still and lifeless. I remember there was a time when those hands were strong, those eyes were bright, and when they fingered against the string or bow, they were forceful and confident, and those eyes on the music, may well burn the sheets-
The piece was finished. I realized I was crying. Syaoran could not see me cry.
" You've improved." He whispered.
I steadied my voice. " How could I not? It's been around a year already."
Syaoran nodded in silence.
" Do you want to try?"
" I can't play anymore."
" Why?"
" I'm too weak."
" I'll help."
Syaoran shifted slightly and I took the cello over. I placed the bow in his
weak hands. I held them tightly and I placed my fingers over his.
" What do you want to play?"
" The Swan."
The Swan. It was a simple piece, but very moving. It was Syaoran's favorite.
His fingers were so weak. He could not support his head and so he laid it back
against my shoulder. I was actually playing for him and he knew it, but it felt like he
was the one playing and he relished the feeling.
He did not know I was crying. If he did, he would be crying too.
" Achat shoalti, mei'eit Adonai,
Otoh avakeish...
Achat sho'alti, mei'eit Adonai,
Otoh avakeish...
Shivti b'veit, b'veit Adonai,
Kol y'mei, y'mei chayat..
Achat sho'alti mei'eit Adonai,
Otoh avakeish..."
" Voices of the dead." Syaoran said. " They speak to me. I tell them nay."
" Oh?" I cocked an eyebrow, then I grew pale. He was laughing.
" Voices of the dead. They plead with me. I turn and ignore. Nay, never shall I
listen again to the whisperings of the deceased."
It was that fateful night, when Syaoran played the cello, that I learned that
Syaoran had turned his back on all that he had once leaned upon.
" Why do you hate?" I asked.
" Hate?" Syaoran blinked. " Hate has nothing to do with it. There is a type of
despair, Xuyan. It drives away all love for things once held dear. It leaves an
empty shell. No love, no hate. Nothing."
Winter break was here at last and Yukito was able to come home. He didn't
come home alone though.
" Guess what I brought for you." Yukito took a small furball out. Syaoran
immediately reached for it. He felt the fur.
" Is it a cat?" He asked.
" Iie." Yukito laughed. " Close enough."
" A dog?" Syaoran was getting excited.
" Hai. A husky pup!" Yukito laughed.
My cousin squealed in excitement and took the pup gently in his arms. He
petted it fondly in adoration.
" Can I keep it?"
Touya snorted. " What kind of question was that? Of course you can keep
him! He's yours to begin with!"
" Really?!" Syaoran jumped up, but fell so I had to catch him. " Really otou-san!"
His blind eyes looked up to where Yukito was.
Yukito responded by pulling my cousin to his embrace. " So you like him,
then. What do you want to call him?"
" Not something you would name a person." Syaoran stuck out his tongue. " How
does he look like? He feels like a furball. Xuyan, do you want to name him?"
" You can call him Furball if you want."
" No way! Come on, you can think of a better name, right?"
I laughed, and I studied the husky puppy. It was a lovely puppy, with a black back and a white chest and cold blue eyes.
I thought about how my cousin had laughed in delight at the puppy and had so fondly caressed it.
" Lele." I answered. " Laughter."
Lele was fast when growing. He eats a lot. Syaoran sometimes accompany
me when walking him, but Syaoran was too weak to do it. I like walking Lele, it
gives me a reason to stroll.
I don't like collecting wastes though-that's the bad part.
But other then that everything was pleasant. Syaoran played with Lele a lot. The dog has a lot of energy and wears Syaoran out easily, but nevertheless Lele loved Syaoran and Syaoran adored his puppy. The dog soon grew heavy and less cuddly-well, actually it was always cuddly. Just less small.
With a dog at home, it's hard to think of sad things anymore, expecially with a dog like Lele. He was always bursting with energy and had this kind of happiness in him. He never left Syaoran's side and always barked in worry when Syaoran left him.
" You know," Touya began one day, " Lele could make a very good seeing-eye
dog."
" Seeing-eye dog?" I blinked. " I guess, but Syaoran hardly goes out."
" The kid needs exercise." Touya rolled his eyes as if it were that obvious. " He
needs strength and getting cooped up at Eriol's house isn't helping."
" What if he gets too tired halfway?"
" Isn't that what seeing-eye dogs are for?" Touya pointed out. " Teach Lele to find a
bench for Syaoran to rest for a while."
" I think that's a great idea." Syaoran told me, beaming all the while. " He's already
pretty much of a seeing-eye dog already. Not a very good one-he nearly tripped me
when trying to prevent me from tripping over a box. But he'll learn."
" You think?" I laughed. " But how will you train him? You need a professional. He
whines and causes hellery whenever he leaves your side."
" I can train him. He understands Chinese."
I snorted. " Hai. Like he understands Chinese. Get over here, Lele."
No response. Lele just lied down at Syaoran's feet, not even raising his head.
" Lele." Syaoran called. " Get up."
Lele immediately jumped to his feet, his tail wagging happily. Syaoran
laughed.
" Right in your face!" He cried, then fell into fits of coughing.
I brought him some water and he gulped it down.
" Nanks."
" Your welcome." I answered. " Don't laugh that much. There, you're coughing up
blood again."
" I am?" He wiped his mouth. " I thought this was water."
" No." I looked at him. " Come on, let's get you something to eat. You need iron."
Later that night Syaoran woke up screaming hysterically.
" Where is Father?!" He cried, and Lele whined pitifully.
" He's in college, remember?" Eriol tried to calm him, rubbing circles along his
back. " Don't worry, he'll be here soon."
" Where is he?!" Syaoran cried, and for a moment I thought he would release that
same fire that killed everyone in the van back in Hong Kong. " Where is he?! Where
is my Father?!"
" It is some dream he had." Kaho wrapped her arms around my cousin and rocked
him steadily, as if nursing a terrified baby.
" Otou-san-"
" Shh, don't worry."
" Lele, get off." I ordered. " Lele, get off. Leave your master alone."
This time the dog obeyed, although very reluctant. Syaoran was still sobbing.
" You two can go." Kaho told Eriol and me. " I'll stay here and keep him quiet."
" We'll figure out what's wrong tomorrow." Eriol told her. " Darn, I have school."
" Otou-san?"
" He'll be here Syaoran." Kaho assured him. I followed Eriol out, but when I
reached the doorway I turned around and looked. Syaoran looked at me and our
eyes met. Suddenly I was reminded of what things were and how they have been.
Those eyes, staring back at me, filled with terror, and I could not tear my eyes away
from them, just as Syaoran could not find whatever he was looking for.