Author's Note: Thanks to Anakah, Lucky Smileys, surfboard chick, Pearl-chan, UnrepentantReader, Amberdulen, Lina Inverse the Dramata, SilverCry, theunknownfemale, MmmMmmGood, Almah, and Olivia for your reviews! I'm toying with the idea of having all the reviewers make a guest appearance...

Disclaimer: I forgot to say that I own Hermione Ginny Lily Lupin and her story...if that actually happens to be anyone's penname, I apologize. The Harry Potter characters and plot do not belong to me, I'm only borrowing.


Our heroes were oddly silent while they ate their breakfast the next day. Sirius was pondering his next prank on the Slytherins. Remus was worrying about the approaching full moon. James and Lily were wondering if the previous day's adventures had just been a crazy dream. Peter had fallen asleep in his cereal.

Their thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the arrival of the mail. Lily, James, and Peter, who all owned owls, were delivered identical envelopes.

The group exchanged a long look. It couldn't be...could it?

"Peter," James said loudly. "Wake up! You've got an owl."

Peter lifted his head and stared stupidly at the envelope. He brushed a cornflake off his nose and began to tear it open. Lily and James followed suit. Remus and Sirius looked over their friends' shoulders and they all read:

Lily, James, Sirius, Remus & Peter,
Be holding the Portkey at 7:00 tonight. Or I'll sic an extremely violent flock of Cornish Pixies on you.
Yours,
the Writer of FanFiction

"Do you really think she can do that?" James wondered aloud.

"I d-don't know, but I d-d-don't want to f-find out," Peter stuttered.

Remus looked thoughtful. "She must have some way of getting into the castle. How else would she have been able to plant the Portkey."

"Remus, she's a Muggle," Lily pointed out. "How would she get her hands on a Portkey, anyway?"

"And how does she know about Hogwarts?" James added.

"Well, I don't think she's really from the future," Remus mused. "It just isn't possible to time travel with a Portkey."

"But how would a Muggle know that anyway?" Lily said.

There was pause, while they all pondered this. Except for Peter, who couldn't banish the mental pictures of being attacked by ferocious pixies, and was curled up in fetal position under the table.

"My head hurts," Sirius remarked at last. "Let's just arrange it so Snape is the one who gets transported tonight."

"No!" Peter cried, terrified, from under the table. "Let's just do what she says!"

Rolling his eyes, Sirius ducked his head under the table and pulled Peter out.

"All in favor?" James sighed.

"Aye."

"Aye."

"Aye, aye, Captain!"

"Shut up, Sirius."

"Peter?"

Peter sighed resignedly. James and Sirius wouldn't let anything happen to him - right? "Aye."



"Oof." Our five heroes (and heroine) landed in a tangled heap on Woff's floor.

Woff grinned at them from her seat at the computer. "You're ba-aack!" The disheveled fivesome stared blankly at her. "Never mind. Anyway, you're back because a.) we have to finish the story so you can avoid your ghastly deaths/imprisonments/betrayals/abandonments and b.) my reviewers loved you."

"Oh?" Lily replied drily. "What's our Nielson rating, then?"

Woff wrinkled her brow. "They had those back then? Aren't they American?"

Lily shrugged. "Dunno. You're the writer."

This seemed to remind Woff of her purpose. "Right. So here's the fic, everyone gather round."


Chapter 2: Sirius's Big Decision

Remus: Well that sounds frankly ominous.
Woff: *yes, darkly* You have no idea...

Sirius' chest was bursting with pride and love for his friends.

Lily: No, I'm pretty sure that's just his ego. *ducks a stuffed animal*

Now, after apparating back from the Potter's, he was looking at an old picture album. Lily and James were waving at him from a picture taken on their wedding day. Suddenly Sirius realized what a huge thing he had agreed to. He was now responsible for the lives of his best friends.

Lily: Sirius, if you screw this up...
Sirius: Lily, it's not real! Besides, don't you trust me?
James: No.
Peter: Do you trust me, James?
James: *after a slight pause* Of course, Pete. I was just joking, you know I'd trust you all.
Lily: We're all getting unnecessarily worked up over some crackpot's stupid story. Let's just get through this as fast as we can, I have an Arithmancy test tomorrow.

Sirius's heart was struck with fear.

Remus: *grumbling* Make up your mind with the punctuation, already! *off the others' looks* What?
Sirius: I am such a wimp in this. Somebody needs to hit this guy with a Bludger or something.
Peter: *looks around the room for a Bludger, and finds an equally heavy object in Woff's math book*
Sirius: Ow! Peter, I meant the character, not myself!
Woff: There's a lesson to be learned from this, you know.
James: Math really can do damage to the brain?
Woff: Yes, that too.

When he thought of Harry, his stomach only felt worse.

James: That's because I slipped a Puking Potion into your tea.
Lily: James! There isn't really such thing, is there?
Sirius: Just ask Severus Snape.

Maybe I just need to sleep on this, Sirius thought,

James: *as Sirius* gesturing towards the blonde waiting in his bed. *as himself* Ow, Lily!
Remus: What are you, the Princess and the Pea? *when no one laughs* Well, I tried.
Woff: You guys suck.

and went right to bed.

Sirius: Hey, what about the blonde?

Sirius had this nightmare:

He was in his house. Suddenly, someone knocked on the door, and his heart was filled with fear.

Remus: Again.
Sirius: What is wrong with this guy? He can't even answer the door without turning into Wormtail!
Peter: Hey! Low blow!
Sirius: Sorry, Pete. But it is the truth.
Woff: Hear, hear.

It was Voldemort.

Peter: *chanting to himself* It's only a dream, it's only a dream, it's only a dream
Woff: Peter, do you honestly think you could manage to be a bit more over-the-top? You're making me sick.

"WHERE ARE THE POTTERS?????" Voldemort demanded. There was a lot of terrifying green light and then Sirius woke up.

"It's only a dream, It's only a dream," Sirius chanted to himself.

Sirius: This is getting really creepy.
Woff: *frowning* This fic is not really getting the point across too well. I'm actually starting to agree with Lily and James for not using Sirius.
Sirius: What?
Woff: Look, Sirius: Listen up. Right now, you're perfectly sane, at least for you, so you can clearly see how much of pansy you're being in this story, right?
Sirius: *nods*
Woff: Right! So when this situation rolls around in real life, DON'T BLOODY ACT LIKE THIS!
Sirius: *nods*
Lily: I thought you were American?
Woff: Yeah, so, where does it say only British can use the word "bloody"? You all get to, I feel left out.
Lily: *under her breath* Poser.
Woff: Okay, that is IT! *to James* What were you thinking? Maybe it's a good thing you did die young, you would have had to put up with a lifetime of this!
James: What are you talking about?
Remus: We've been kidnapped by a madwoman.
Peter: *hides under the bed, again*
Sirius: That's not fair! I'm the crazy person around here!

"ARGH!" Woff shouted in utter frustration. "I CAN'T PUT UP WITH YOU IDIOTS ANOTHER MINUTE! ONE MORE CLICHE AND I WILL SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST! TAKE THE PORTKEY AND RUN!!!!!"

Lily looked thoughtful. "Now where have I heard that before?"

"Probably your prophetic dreams, for chrissakes!" Woff cried. She waited expectantly to spontaneously combust, but apparently the FanFiction gods were feeling particularly merciful. Or unmerciful, depending on how you view it. "Now, GO!"

Muttering about temperamental psycho writers from the future, our heroes (and heroine) gathered round the Portkey and disappeared. Woff sighed heavily. It certainly wasn't easy, trying to save five overly-cliched doomed teenagers from their hideous fate, but she would have another go at it tomorrow.



Author's Note, Again: Wow. It wasn't really supposed to turn out that way, but things happen, characters complain, and you just have to be ready for anything, I guess. I badly need sleep. Review, if I haven't scared you away already.