Author's Note: And so we come to the third part of everybody's favorite rant-disguised-as-a-fic, If Only They Had Listened To the FanFic. We get to make more fun of the typical Sirius permamently-on-crack personality, Peter's bitterness, the conviction commonly held among FanFic writers that Hermione is Lily incarnate, Woff gets pissed once more, and the Marauders plus Lily get to see what lies in store for them.
A big thanks to FawkesnFlame, Miki, Nora, The God of Angst, Brittanie, UnrepentantReader, Rose-Star988, quitesirius, theunknownfemale, Aragorn Rider3791, Giggles-n-shit, Taracollowen, Rini, and Trinity Day. Guess what, reviewers? The next chapter is your turn to shine! That's right, all my reviewers are going to make a guest appearance and get to yell at the characters! (Mostly Wormtail, I have a feeling.) So if you have something to say, leave it in a review! (Yeah, so this is really just a cheap scheme to get more reviews.) If you don't, I'll just take the general gist of an old review or group you with a bunch of people trying to kill Wormtail or something.
Okay, I don't own these people. Now read!
Woff lay awake, tossing and turning. When she had decided to save the Marauders (and Lily), she had thought it would be easy. She wasn't allowed to actually tell them about the future, or even let them read the Harry Potter books, but she had figured a quick FanFiction story would do the trick. She had never expected them to completely disregard the message from the future, and she certainly hadn't expected to find herself not wanting to save them anymore. Obnoxious little brats.
Still, she had a job to do. She'd said she would rescue the Marauders from death and destruction and she was damn well going to do so. If you want something done right, Woff reflected, you've got to do it yourself. So she climbed out of bed, managed to make it to her desk without breaking anything too valuable, and got to work.
Sirius was bouncing around the Common Room and frightening the underclassmen. "WEEEEEEEEEEE!" he squealed as he did a frog-dive onto a couch filled with terrified first years. He then took out his wand and turned the hair of every person in the Common Room pink.
Peter saw his chance to impress James. "Hey guys, watch this!" he said, and did the countercurse with his wand behind his back. The Gryffindors were relieved to find themselves with natural hair color again.
James, however, just said absently, "That's nice, Pete. Say, Remus, what should we do to Snape tonight?"
Peter kept the hurt expression from his face, but inside he was seething. No one cared about Peter, no one ever noticed, no one ever gave him the recognition he so craved but ONE DAY...oh yes, one day, things would be different. He'd show them, he'd show them all.
Before Peter could further plot against his best friends, he felt a strange prickling sensation. It was not one that made him feel as if he was being sucked in by his naval; Woff hadn't had time for research. Besides, he hadn't even been holding a Portkey.
Neither, in fact, had any of his friends.
"Now what?" Lily demanded. "I wasn't holding anything that could possibly have been a Portkey."
"Yeah," Sirius agreed. "Hogwarts, a History is too boring to enchant."
Lily quickly located the stuffed animals.
"Lily," Woff asked her, "Just out of curiosity: do you believe in reincarnation? And does the name Hermione Granger mean anything to you?"
Lily looked extremely confused. "No. And no. Why?"
Woff sighed heavily. "Long story. And we're running out of time. At midnight tonight, you'll be whisked back to Hogwarts and you'll never be able to read future fics again." She paused for their cheers. "Which doesn't leave us a lot of time, and certainly not enough time for me to be complaining, as I should be, about how underappreciated I am. I realized we weren't getting anywhere with that other fic, so I wrote one of my own." She was forced to pause again for their groans. "Now get reading."
How Peter Betrayed Lily and James to the Dark Lord Who Then Killed Them and Framed Sirius Who Was Then Sent To Azkaban, Leaving Remus All Alone, Unemployed, and Miserable
by a Writer of FanFiction
Remus: Well. You don't mess around with ambiguous titles, do you?
Woff: I'm trying to get a point across here.
James and Lily Potter had just arrived home to Godric's Hollow and they were both horrified. It wasn't because their adorable year-old son Harry had pink hair that was definitely not natural.
James: Of course not. Why would that horrify us?
Lily: After all, we're friends with Sirius, aren't we?
No, that had been explained by the large flying motorcycle parked outside. Sirius Black, their extremely loyal and trustworthy (though certainly mischievous and quite possibly insane) best friend, was babysitting.
James: Now, see, THAT, is the Sirius we all know and love.
Remus: She definitely has you pegged, Padfoot.
Lily: Except for the "quite possibly" part. I think your insanity is most definite.
Sirius: I have a flying motorcycle???? AWESOME!!!!
James and Lily were horrified because their former Headmaster, Professor Albus Dumbledore, had just told them that the Dark Lord Voldemort was out to kill them.
James: That is a good reason.
Woff: I don't see how you can be so flippant. This is a true story!
James, Lily, Remus, and Sirius: *roll eyes*
Peter: *shivering* S-stop s-saying the n-name!
He had advised them to perform a complex but seemingly foolproof spell called the Fidelius Charm. All they had to do was choose one person, one person whom they trusted more than anyone else in the world, to be their Secret-Keeper. As long as this person never revealed their whereabouts, James and Lily would never be found.
It had been an easy decision. After all, the person both Lily and James trusted most in the world was Sirius, and they had told Professor Dumbledore so right away.
Peter: *indignantly* What about Remus and me? You keep doing this!
Lily: Peter, we're not doing anything. The FanFic Lily and James are doing all this. Please remember to make the distinction.
Woff: How can I get this through to you? This is a true story!!
And so, after changing Harry's hair back to it's natural black
Sirius: Aw.
and cleaning up the spectacular mess in the kitchen ,
Lily: Right, like I'm ever letting Sirius in my kitchen.
they sat down to have a serious (no one say it!)
Sirius: *shuts his mouth in disappointment*
James: *shuts his mouth in disappointment*
Woff: Thank you.
discussion with their trusted friend.
They told Sirius about the Fidelius Charm, and asked him to be their secret-keeper, in a solemn but in no way mushy and oversentimental conversation.
James: Well, I should think not.
Woff: I wasn't about to repeat Hermione Ginny Lily Lupin's mistakes.
Sirius agreed, and they arranged a time to perform the spell.
When the fateful day arrived however,
Remus: Shouldn't there be a comma after "arrived"?
All, especially Woff: SHUT UP, REMUS!
Sirius came an hour early looking troubled. "We need to talk," he told his friends.
James: Oh, boy. Here it comes. Padfoot's Big Wuss-Out.
Sirius: Hey!
Lily: C'mon, Sirius, remember last time? Besides, we know it's not really you.
Woff: *darkly - you knew it was coming* Don't be so sure...
"What if You-Know-Who discovers that you're using a Fidelius Charm? He'll know right away you've made me the Secret-Keeper."
James' brow furrowed. "True," he admitted. He looked at his friend. "Look, I know we're asking a lot, so if you don't want to go through with this, just say the word."
James:*chanting* He's gonna wuss-out, he's gonna wuss-out.
Sirius: *hits him with a stuffed animal*
"Dumbledore said he would do it," Lily added. "No pressure."
Lily: Yeah, no pressure, it's only our lives here.
"No, that's not it!" Sirius protested. "It's not that I'm scared or anything,
Remus: Mmmhm. Sure.
It's just that I don't really trust myself.
James: Ah, the old "I-just-don't-trust-myself" line.
Lily: Oh, leave him alone, you two.
Sirius: Did Lily just stand up for me?
Lily: *shrug* I mean, it's only FanFiction.
Woff: *darkly* Wouldn't you like to think so?
And Dumbledore is another obvious candidate. I think you should switch to someone no one will suspect."
"Like who?" James asked.
"How about Peter?" Sirius suggested. "He's one of our best friends, so we know we can trust him, but he's not really the obvious choice, is he?"
Peter: *demanding* Why am I not the obvious choice?
All: *uncomfortable silence*
Lily: He probably just means that since Sirius is James' best friend, and our son's godfather and all, people would assume we'd use him.
James: I can't believe I just heard you say "our son." This is too weird.
Lily frowned. "What about Remus? I know we can trust him. I have nothing against Peter, but..."
Sirius sighed. "Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure that I do trust Remus anymore."
All but Woff: What??
Lily: Sirius, how could you? *hits him with a stuffed animal*
Sirius: Hey! You were the one talking about remembering to make the distinction! Of course I trust Moony!
Lily and James were shocked.
Lily: *muttering* Well, I should hope so.
"Not trust Remus?" Lily cried.
"Why?" James added.
Remus: Yeah, why?
Sirius looked uncomfortable. "Actually, I don't know, because Rowling hasn't explained yet and this author didn't want to make up her own stupid reason."
All but Woff: Huh?
Peter: What's Rowling?
Woff: Long story. The fact is, I don't know why Sirius suspected Remus of being Voldemort's (Peter: *flinches*) spy, only that he did.
"Ah," James answered. "Look, if it's about the werewolf thing..."
Sirius sighed again. "I just really think you should use Peter. I mean, come on, who's going to think you would trust Peter Pettigrew above all the powerful wizards and witches you two are friends with?"
Peter: *lower lip trembles*
James: Peter, it's not us. The real Sirius would never say that.
Remus: Yeah. He may be an idiot, but he's not a prick.
Peter: S-so, you guys think I'm powerful?
Woff: *snort*
Lily: Peter, there is no doubt in my mind that you will be every bit as powerful as the rest of us.
Woff: *louder snort*
Peter: *glares at Woff and resumes his revenge plot*
James and Lily had to admit that he had a point. I'm running out of time before you all arrive, so to make a long story short,
Sirius: *coughlazycough*
Woff: This truly is a thankless task.
they ended up making Peter their Secret-Keeper after all.
Peter: Wow! Thanks, guys!:
Although most people knew they were using the Fidelius Charm, no one besides James, Lily, Sirius, and Peter knew about the last minute switch.
What the other three didn't know, however, was that Peter was a spy for the Dark Lord.
All but Woff: *gasp*
Remus: Well, it was in the title.
Peter: I am not! I would never! You've gotta believe me! I'm innocent, I tell you, innocent! *thinking: Hmm, spy for the Dark Lord...oh the possibilities*
James: We know, Peter. This is the stupidest thing I've ever read.
Woff: I'm not making this up! Look, I have a CD player - those haven't been invented yet! I'm telling you, you're in the future.
Lily: We go to a school where electronics don't work. How do we know this CD player thing wasn't invented a month ago or something?
Woff: *throwing her hands in the air* Argh!
After the switch had been made, he went to his master and revealed the Potters' location in Godric's Hollow. It was the greatest moment of his miserable little life - at last, he had done something right.
Remus: Don't you think you're being a little bit harsh on poor Peter here?
Woff: Are you kidding me? Do you not understand what's happening? PETER JUST BETRAYED JAMES AND LILY!
Sirius: Sure, in your world. *rolls eyes*
Peter: *ever so slowly, the wheels in his head are turning*
With the Potters out of the way, Lord Voldemort would triumph at last.
On Hallowe'en night, 1981, Lord Voldemort arrived at the Potters' house. He killed James immediately, and then tried to kill Harry. Lily, rather than allow Voldemort to kill her son, pleaded with the Dark Lord to take her life instead. He killed her then, but when he tried to use the Avada Kedavra curse on baby Harry, it rebounded on him and caused him to disappear for ten years. So Harry - and the world, temporarily, at least - was saved by his mother's love.
James: *adoringly* That's my Lily.
Sirius: It's an owl! It's a broom! No, it's SUPER LILY!
Everyone else: *gives Sirius an odd look*
Sirius: What? She saved the world!
Lily: You know me...
Meanwhile, Sirius went to Peter's hiding place and found it empty, with no sign of struggle. Worried and slightly suspicious, he hurried to the Potters' - but it was too late. The house was in ruins, and his friends were dead. He met the Hogwarts' Keeper of the Keys, Hagrid, there, who had been instructed to bring Harry to Dumbledore. Sirius wanted to take his godson himself, but Hagrid was under strict orders. So Sirius, with a heavy heart, went in search of the traitor.
When he found Peter, however, he walked into the trap of a desperate man. Before a street filled with witnesses, Peter cornered Sirius and shouted, "Lily and James, Sirius! How could you?" He then blew up the street with his wand behind his back, killing twelve Muggles that happened to be out that day.
James, Lily, Sirius, and Remus: *decide not to say anything about Peter's demonstration in the Common Room earlier that day*
Peter: *sputtering* This is - this is insane. You know I would never - James, you know - Lily, sweet girl - you guys know-
Woff: Shut up, Peter.
He cut off his own finger, then Transformed into a rat and ran away.
Sirius couldn't believe it. Peter Pettigrew, that worthless, slimy, half-Squib traitor
Remus: *to Woff* You really don't like Peter, do you?
Woff: Excuse me? Did you miss the part where he hands Lily and James over to Voldemort, kills twelve innocent people and frames Sirius???
James: Yeah, where do you get this stuff, anyway?
Sirius: I never thought I'd say this, but your mind is even more twisted than mine.
had just bested him. Wormtail was gone, and Sirius had missed his chance to kill him. And now the entire Magical community was going to think he was in league with the Dark Lord, and had killed his best friends. Filled with despair, Sirius did the only thing he could do - laughed. He laughed as the Ministry officials showed up at the horrific scene. He laughed as they put Memory Charms on the surviving Muggles, and he laughed as they took him to Azkaban, where he would spend the next twelve years of his life.
Sirius: What?!? Is this because I called you twisted?
Remus: Again, was in the title.
Sirius: Oh, shut up Moony.
Remus was crushed by the events of that Hallowe'en. He found himself friendless and alone, and he had a very hard time getting work because he was a werewolf.
Sirius: See, she doesn't like you, either.
Woff: I'm just telling it like it is!
Harry Potter grew up with his only relatives - Lily's sister Petunia
Lily: What?? That bitch, in charge of my chiild?? What idiot made that decision?
Woff: Dumbledore, actually.
Lily: There goes a huge chunk of my respect for him.
and her husband and son, Vernon and Dudley Dursley.
Lily: Oh, gross! Petunia and Vernon with a kid!
They did their best to make his life a living hell, but he was eventually able to go to Hogwarts and only had to put up with their torture during the summer. Ironically, he became best friends with a boy named Ron Weasley, whose pet rat was in fact Peter Pettigrew. The rest of Harry's story is not important. Yet. What is important, is that WORMTAIL IS A TRAITOR! DON'T TRUST HIM!!!!!!
The End.
There was a pause as the Marauders and Lily struggled to digest this.
"Wow," Sirius said at last. "Talk about a mind trip."
"Really," James agreed. "I feel like I've just left some alternate universe."
"I hate this place," Peter muttered.
"Okay, quit complaining," Woff told them. "Now, what was the moral of that story? I think I made it pretty clear?"
"FanFiction authors have extremely warped minds?" Remus tried.
"There is someone crazier than Sirius after all?" James suggested.
"Petunia and Vernon would make really awful parents?" was Lily's guess.
Sirius appeared to have come up with something. "Stay out of Lily's kitchen?"
"You're all completely wrong," Woff answered, frustration mounting. "Maybe Peter caught it?"
Peter looked terrified at being put on the spot. "Um...You-Know-Who doesn't like children?"
"WHAT?" Woff exploded. "No, you imbecile!" She was about to go off on another tirade, but they were interrupted by a call from downstairs.
"Dinner time!"
"Oh, yes, finally!" Sirius exclaimed. "I'm starving!" He made a beeline for the bedroom door, but Woff grabbed hold of the back of his robes.
"Oh, no you don't!" she warned. "You guys are staying right here." Using the power that comes with random plot devices, she somehow herded them all into her closet and locked the door.
"You can't leave us here!" Sirius shouted, banging on the door. "It's character abuse!"
"I'm cl-cl-claustroph-phobic!" Peter whined.
"Whosever hand that is had better move it now," came Lily's furious voice from behind the closet door. "That's better."
Shaking her head in exasperation, Woff headed downstairs for a yummy dinner of spaghetti and veal parmesan. It was 7:30.