Author's Note: Okay, I lied. Originally the reviewers were going to show up in Woff's bedroom in this chapter, but inspiration struck somewhere else and this chapter was born. So that will take place sometime soon, keep leaving your comments! Anyway, they've still got four hours, and Woff can only shove dire predictions at them for so long before we all die of exasperation. So enjoy the love/hate MST, they're always fun.





Lily, James, Sirius, and Remus were sharing despairing gazes. They had been squeezed into Woff's ridiculously messy closet for nearly ten minutes now and it was not exactly pleasant. Remus and Sirius had found a small space in the corner closest to the door to curl up in, but both were starting to cramp up. James was perched on top of a huge pile of shoes and clothes and Lily was on his lap. Peter was lying unconscious among Woff's dresses and sweaters; a brick, as bricks are prone to do in Marauder fics, had fallen on his head.

At last Sirius spoke up. "This really bites," he stated. The other three nodded morosely in agreement. "I'm hungry," he added, "and thirsty, and tired, and I can't feel my left foot. And I-"

He was interrupted by Remus' elbow, which had somehow slipped into his ribcage. "We just went through this, Padfoot. Quit complaining and start thinking of ways to get out of here."

"How come we never have the presence of mind to bring our wands along on these excursions?" James wondered. "What I'd give for a simple Alohomora charm right now..."

Lily sighed in agreement. "Or at least a good paper clip."

"Now really, you two, I think you'd be quite used to closets after all the time you spent in them in fourth year," Sirius began, then caught Lily's statement. "A paper clip? I've probably got a paper clip, why do you ask?"

James started to defend himself and his girlfriend by pointing out that they would never have needed to be so secretive if they hadn't been so terrified of certain friends of theirs teasing them to death, but was cut off by Lily's cry of relief. "I knew that weird habit you have of carrying half your posessions in your pockets would pay off someday!"

"Learnt it from Hagrid," Sirius told her absently, emptying his cloak of three Dungbombs, four Filibuster's Fireworks, an extremely ancient pocketwatch, a toothpick, a quill, two bottles of ink, several pieces of crumpled up parchment, a magical yo-yo, half a deck of Exploding Snap, an irate black bishop, who shook his fist angrily at Sirius and began hopping away, a half-eaten package of Chocolate Frogs, a toothbrush, a small toad, a plastic comb, a broken Prank-O-Scope, nine strawberry Whizzing Fizzbees, four detention slips, a small bag of Cockroach Clusters, a pair of socks, and just as they were starting to lose hope (not to mention room in the already cluttered closet) - a paper clip.

Lily sprang on the small object and immediately began to unbend it, while Sirius happily busied himself with the candy.

"No Whizzing Fizzbees in here," James warned him. "What are you doing, anyway, Lily?"

She grinned at them. "I can't believe I'm showing this to you four - er, three," she added, glancing at Peter's prostrate form. "Now watch and learn." Sirius stopped mid-Cockroach Cluster ("tastes like chicken!"), fascinated, to watch her insert the point of the paper clip into the lock, jiggle it around a bit, and to the boys' utter amazement, push open the door.

James had decided the occasion called for a quick snog, and Sirius and Remus were equally admiring (though, luckily for them, they chose to express it differently).

"Why don't they teach us useful things - like that - in Muggle Studies?" Sirius demanded.

Remus had another question. "What are going to do, now that we're free?"

Lily considered this. "We're not technically free, you know. We can't actually get back to Hogwarts from here."

"I know!" Sirius exclaimed. "Let's break that weird machine Woff makes us read the FanFiction off of. Then she'll have to send us home!"

The others agreed that this was a brilliant idea and hurried to Woff's desk. They examined the strange machine with great trepidation.

"What do you think that button does?" James asked them, pointing to the mouse clicker.

Sirius shrugged. "Only one way to find out!" He enthusiastically pushed the large button. Unfortunately for them, the mouse had been poised over a particularly putrid fic, and it was now appearing on the screen.

"Oh, good job, Sirius!" Lily told him angrily. "It's another stupid story for us to read!"

"'Lily + James = Hate...or does it??'" Remus read. "Hmm, let me think..."

Lily sighed. "I guess we might as well read it. At least this one doesn't seem to be full of weird warnings about our future."



Lily + James = Hate...or does it??
by i*luv*snuffles



Sirius: What kind of a name is that? Does the writer enjoy having a cold or something?
Remus: At least this one isn't claiming to be related to me.

"JAMES POTTER I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!" came a shout from the girl's dorm at hogwart's School of Witchcraft and wizardry.

Remus: Interesting choice of capitalization there.
Lily: Maybe she's a feminist.
Sirius: James, have you been peeking at the girls' bras again?
James: Padfoot, that was you.
Sirius: *not the slightest bit ashamed* So it was.

Everyone in the common room chuckled, wondering what James had done to Lily Evans this time as last time it had been turning her hair bright green to match her glowing emerald orbs.

James: Again, Padfoot, that was you.
Lily: "Glowing emerald orbs"? Where do they get this stuff?

After that incident, Lily had magically written "kick me" on all of James's robes and didn't speak to him for a week.

Lily: I don't know whether to be more offended that I would resort to such a childish prank, or that I let a simple Hair Color Charm bother me so much.
Remus: As I recall, in real life you just kept your hair that color until it washed off in the shower.
Lily: *shrug* I was in the mood for a new look, anyway.
Sirius: Yes, but then when I made it purple the next day you blew up my cauldron in Potions.
Lily: That's because I hate the color purple. And if you had been paying attention, you would have known better than to listen to me when I told you to add the third eye of newt.
Sirius: D'you think I have nothing better to do in Potions than listen to Borkin?

Lily marched down to the common room, her face was covered in huge black boils. "YOU ARE GOING TO DIE FOR THIS POTTER!!!" She shouted and ran crying out of the Common room.

Sirius: You've got quite a temper there, Lil.
Lily: Well, honestly, under the circumstances it's somewhat understandable. Although I'm sure I know the spell to remove boils and would have performed it before appearing in front of the entire House.
James: I would never do anything like that to a Gryffindor. Snape, maybe, but that's an entirely different story
Sirius: That's a good idea, Prongs! *steals a piece of paper and a pen from Woff's desk and begins to write furiously*

Meanwhile James and his three friends who made up the Marauders, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and peter pettigrew (the disgusting rat, i'm so sorry but i had to put him in, don't worry soon Sirius will curse him and he can stay in the hospital wing forever)

James: That reminds me, do you think we ought to see if we can revive Peter?
Remus: Well, judging by that last sentence, it may not be a good idea. For some reason, this author doesn't seem to like him any more than Woff.
Lily: Yeah, more of that selective capitalization.
Sirius: And why is it always me who does these horrible things to him?
Lily: Well, let's see: who among us is the most likely to do horrible things to anyone?
Sirius: Point taken.

were hysterically laughing at their latest prank. They lived to pull pranks and were going for the most detentions ever at Hogwart's.

Remus: Because we're so desperate to be expelled and all.

Lily was their favorite victim after slimy Severus Snape.

James: That's the first thing this author has gotten right yet. *off Lily's glare* I meant the part about Snape!

Meanwhile Lily was having a talk with Professor Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwart's.

Remus: You know, at first I thought the apostrophe the author keeps putting in Hogwarts was a typo, but now I'm convinced they think the school was named after someone named Hogwart.
Sirius: How did Hogwarts get its name, anyway?
Lily: If you would just read Hogwarts: a History, you'd know that -
Sirius: *hurriedly cutting her off* Never mind! Sorry I asked.

"I can't stand him, Grandpa!" she said.

Lily: Grandpa??
James: Grandpa??
Remus: Grandpa??
Sirius: Grandpa??

A/n: End of chapter 1!!!!!

Remus: That was a chapter? It was hardly seven sentences!
James: And what kind of ending for a chapter is that?

I know I am evil for the cliffie, sorry guys!

Lily: *to James* A "cliffie" ending, apparently.
Remus: And that would be...?
Sirius: Short for cliffhanger.



Woff chose this moment to enter. "Actually, Sirius," she said in wonder from the doorway, "that's right. How did you know? And how did you four get out of the closet? And where's Peter??"

Sirius only shrugged. "Scary as it is, I understand these people. Lily got us out of the closet with some Muggle paper clip trick. You never told us how you knew that, Lil."

Lily grinned. "How do you think I got into Petunia's room to read her diary and leave frogs in her bed?" The look on Sirius' face suggested that he was extremely jealous of James for having such a talented girlfriend. "Peter got hit in the head with a brick when we were in your closet," Lily added to Woff. "He's still in there."

Woff shook her head but was unable to hide a grin. "I wonder if he's got some kind of plate in his head that attracts them. Last I checked, I didn't even have any bricks in my closet." She frowned suddenly. "Still, much as I'm enjoying his absence, I need him fully conscious for Plan B."

"Plan B?" James repeated incredulously. "What is wrong with you, anyway?"

"Can't we just keep reading this fic?" Sirius whined. "I want to find out why Lily is calling Dumbledore 'Grandpa!'"

Woff considered this. Peter's current state of unconsciousness was something of a setback, and she actually had some work to do before Plan B could be set into action. "Fine," she conceded at last. "You can keep reading for now. Just don't blow anything up, I've got some owls to write."

"Owls?" Lily repeated suspiciously. "I thought you were a Muggle."

Woff nodded sadly. "Yes, and it's why my letters hardly ever reach their destinations. However, this is FanFiction, where anything is possible, so I have a feeling it'll work."

Shrugging at the strange Muggle's antics, the foursome returned to their fic.