And now for my disclaimer: I am not Tamora Pierce. Surprise!! I'm just a girl from Houston, who by the

 way turns thirteen on October 18, 2002. Happy birthday to me! Okay, here we go. Disclaimer: Am not

Tamora Pierce. Shocker. Disclaimer: Am not Tamora Pierce. Or at least, wasn't the last time I checked.

Part Two

Scanra?

"Scanra," Joren repeated, for perhaps the tenth time in the past hour, as he paced along the corridor, boot heels

sharply clicking the stone floor, after we had been kicked out of the room for attempting to assassinate His Majesty,

via blunt trauma to the head. All right, all right: blunt trauma to some other more sensitive areas too. I'm sorry. No, I'm

 not. It was bloody funny.  "Scanra."


I was leaning against the wall, mad as hell, an angry, slightly sultry look on my face.


"Yes, Joren, my one and only true darling," I replied, smiling rather brittly. "They're sending us to Scanra. AND WILL

 YOU GET IN IT YOUR BLOODY HEAD AND SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT IT!"


He looked at me disdainfully. "What's up with you, Mindelan? I was right. Mithros, I thought I was joking! God, you do

have a problem with my existance."


"Nah, I just have a problem with the fact that you are an absolute bastard." I smiled. "Nothing much. And by the way,

just in case you haven't noticed, it appears that we are to be stuck. Together. In Scanra. Imagine how much fun that's

 going to be, just you and me, one on one-all alone, in the land of rocks and trees, and maybe a person or two scattered

here and there. Wonderful. Can you spell 'hell'? I must have done something particularly nasty in a previous life time. Really

 nasty. I wonder who I killed…….."


"Will you shut up about your stupid reincarnation theory!" Joren snapped. "That's all you friggin' talk about! Even the Yamani

 don't talk about it as much as you do! And it's their stupid religion! Shut up and listen to yourself sometime!"


I glowered at him, and made a rather rude gesture. I liked my 'stupid reincarnation theory.' I fake-smiled, and sweetly said,

 "Love to chat, sweetie,but I have to dash. Packing and all. Ta ta." I waved as walked off, watching him glare. I smiled inwardly

 at his expression.


Loser, I thought. Cute when he's angry, but Goddess does that guy have problems. Honestly. I mean, talk about an inferiority complex!

 Oh Mithros, I am screwed. The next year with Stone Mountain in Scanra. Bah. I'm going to go mad.


                                                                                                          Flashback


"After all, you have to see why we're doing this," King Jonathan droned on in a compassionate and caring tone; the tone he

was famous for. This guy is such a suck up. Such a friggin' suck up.  I was tempted to punch him in the throat, just to destroy

his vocal cords. That would be interesting…"You two are possibly our two most talented squires, and will be a great resource to

 Tortall. But COOPERATION, think about that. Cooperating. The thing you do worst is what we need most now, especially with

 the situation up in Scanra."




"And it won't be all that bad," Numair said sympathetically, the good cop. Numair's good cop, Wyldon's bad cop, what's King Jon the

 Annoying? Droning cop? Gosh. "We do have a task for you, and you'll find it rather interesting, it's just that….well, we can't have

you in Tortall. Not right now—at least. You two need to learn responsibility, and you both lack it. You need experience, and we

can't give it to you here, it must be somewhere else. It'll only be a year! Joren, you'll be back in time for your Ordeal; Kel, you'll be

 sixteen. Sweet sixteen, think about that! It's a learning experience."


Yeah. Right. SUCH a learning experience. I am SO looking forward to it.


"So what are you making us do?" Joren asked bluntly. "It better be interesting, because if I am stuck in Scanra, for a year, with

her, I am going to go insane. Have any of you actually been in the same room with her longer than five minutes?"


"Shut up, Stone Mountain," I replied, and turned to look at the men, finished with my miniscule examination of my cuticles. "Yeah.

 What beloved chore are we stuck with, o wise and evil ones?" They glared at me; I raised my eyebrows. Losers.


Wyldon spoke up from the shadows in which he stood. "We want you to assasinate their Warlord."




                                                                                                              Present






So here I am, preparing to assassinate the Warlord, what's his name, Maggur? Maggot? Something screwy like that. Damn. Dammit all

 to hell! And I have to do it with Joren, too. Oh agony.


I flung myself onto my bed, aware that I would have to pack in the morning. They hadn't exactly given us much time to get ready.

 Oh well. Not like I was planning on saying good bye to anyone. I miss Lalasa. She is incredibly bubbly, incredibly peppy, and incredibly

annoying, but I need that at the moment, and besides, I don't think I like doing that shoving into bags all by myself.




This is possibly going to be the worst experience of my entire life.












 


My New Knightmaster






….And I was right.


This is possibly the worst excuse for a voyage out of Tortall that I have ever experienced, and trust me, I have experienced quite a few

 lousy 'trips.' Perhaps I am being too hard on everyone. I mean, what's not to like?


I'm with Joren of Stone Mountain, whom everyone knows I just ADORE, I'm in Scanra, freezing my butt off with the marvelous new

 Carthaki healing treatment, I'm free from the vile and slave-driving clutches of Lord Raoul: how could I dislike any of it? I am obviously

 such an ungrateful spoiled brat of a young, improper, woman. My poor parents tried their hardest; alas, they failed. Miserably.


I leaned a little closer to the fire, wrapped in an ragged blanket, which had been originally been fuzzy, back near Corus. It was

anything but at the current moment, and I wanted some coffee. Hot. Preferably a mocha latte. With extra cream. And sugar. Lots of

 sugar.


"Coffee." I moaned, melodramatic as hell, knowing perfectly well that Joren found that very annoying. Then again, he has a

problem with everything I do, from the way I brush my hair to the way I talk, so dramatics are perfectly natural. All right, all right,

 and very, very, fun. "Bring me coffee! I begin to hallucinate….dragons…..coffee…..palace……the Stump flirting with Garvey…..pain……

agony……the horror, the hor-"


Joren promptly attempted to strangle me.

"Oww! What the f—"

"Shut up! Oh Mithros! Do I have to kill you to shut you up? You are being so ANNOYING!" He shouted the last part.


I glanced over at him quizzically. "You do need professional help. Anger control management. Ever heard of it?"


Joren made a noise that might have been a snarl. I smiled back at him. I might hate him, but baiting him is just too much fun to

 quit. I wonder what I'd wind up doing without him. He still hasn't realized that it is just a game, though. I think that's why he always

 gets so angry, so quickly.


"We're almost in Scanra," he said in that blunt fashion of his, changing the subject completely. "I'm guessing you didn't listen to

the briefing?"


"Nah," I said in a sudden burst of honesty. "Mind numbing. Always is. Gave up after about three seconds."


"Okay, I guess I get to talk, then. We're going to kill the stupid Warlord, you know that though, right? Yeah, that's cool. Anyway,

we're about a day from the capital of Scanra, that's where we're going, to the palace, so, since they DID decide that I was your

temporary knight master, cuz I'm older-"


"EXCUSE ME???? I do NOT recall that part, Stone Mountain, and let me tell you-"


He snorted, a most un-Joren like gesture, if I may say so myself, even if I am little acquainted with him. "Of course not, Mindelan.

After you left. They told me that since I was older and that it is traditional for squires to have knight masters, then the knight master

 would be...me. That means I can make you do anything I want. Isn't life wonderful?"


I glared at him. "Go to hell."

"Lovely sentiment, Mindelan," Joren drawled.

"If you so much as ATTEMPT making me do ANYTHING, anything at all, Stone Mountain, I swear that I am going to…."


Joren smiled sweetly. I had a feeling he was not intimidated.



 




 

Discussions on a More Libidinous Note




Joren is such a bastard.




That is possibly the simplest explanation for his recent actions. I swear. He makes no sense AT ALL, and remember: you're talking

 to the girl who practically lives in a nuthouse. I.E. that marvelous company with Lord Raoul, gigantic genial genuine psycho. Okay,

 my alliteration was off. Who gives.




About eighty percent of the time Joren acts normal, meaning nasty and sarcastic and cynical, and that I'm used to. I would almost

like him, just cuz we've been enemies so long, I feel like I know him very well. That came out wrong. Oh well. It's the other twenty

 percent of the time though, that's odd. It's like he doesn't know I'm there, doesn't know that I exist except as an annoyance. It's like

 he's off in space. Creepy.




I suppose that this makes no sense, at all, because Joren and I hate each other, right? And we do. Always have. Always will.




It's just that I'm used to his whole world revolving around me. And mine around him. That's how our enemy-ship-thingy goes, right?

 We hate each other, but can't stand being far from each other, yeah? That's the thing, y'know. Joren's just so …I dunno…. interesting,

 especially in comparison to everyone else. It's complicated. A little too complicated.




"The capital," Joren said softly and intensely, interrupting my thoughts. "Here we are. Joy. So far from Tortall, and it just HAD

to be with you, Mindelan. Just had to be."




"As if I like it," I retorted. "You aren't exactly the most fabulous traveling companion yourself and-"




Joren looked at me oddly, a little too long. It was if he was saying with his eyes: oh my god. You're still on that? "Chill."




I glared at him. "Whatever."


"That's right," Joren lazily replied. "Keep it up. Apathy is the way to go. So many things that they don't teach you in school."




I tried to think of a good snap-back, but my mind was blank, so I had to fall upon the all but incoherent statement: "Oh, and

by the way, just to make things clear, I read that stupid list of instructions that the trio of terror gave us? Just to let you know,

 I am NOT going along with that."




"Yes, you are," Joren said mildly. His eyes narrowed as he seemed to be looking at me with puzzlement. I felt like I was under a

microscope. Would he stop acting so detached!!!!!!!! "I'm not exactly thrilled about it either, y'know, but I'm not complaining. I have

 to pretend too, for Mithros' sake. That's gotta be worse than your assignment. I mean, VERY bad judgment on my part."




"EXCUSE ME! Do NOT insult my looks, Stone Mountain. I may not be petite-"


"-Oh, yeah-"


"-OR tiny-"


"-Definitely not-"


"OR blonde-"


"-Unless you dyed it-"


"But at least I don't act like such a bastard. They'll wonder how I wound up with you, sweetheart, not the other way around.

Remember: I'M the one that everyone thinks is charming. You're the handsome jerk. Or do you not remember that little 'incident'

 with Lady Skada?"




Joren reddened. I had hit a nerve. "That was not my fault, you idiot!" he shouted. "She was acting like such a bitch, I HAD to

get away from her, okay? I'm sorry about the whole--"




I raised an eyebrow. "Tell it to the magistrate. I could hear you in MY rooms, yelling. Or the noodle incident. How about that

 one?"





He glowered at me. "I was but a child then. Pouring noodles down the backs of lady's dresses seemed like such innocent fun

at the time."




"Yeah, whatever," I said.




"Oh come on," Joren replied, smiling oddly at me, once more. That smile was creeping me out. I had the feeling of being

under a microscope again, the bug with a scientist leaning over, and examining it. "There could be worse things than

pretending to be my wife, I'm sure."


I smiled, ready with one last hit before we rode into the capital. "Of course, Joren. I could actually be it."

Okay, to my beloved reviewers, who should be aware that I am creating a religion to honor them right now, here are my thank

yous:

The Dark Goddess: I'm so glad you like it!!!!!! I know K&J are OOC, it's just I can't write Joren the way Tamora Pierce can, and

 if Kel was normal my story would be totally weird. I'll right, all right. I'll review after I'm done typing this up. K?

Lovely Little Muse: thank you! I'm in love with Joren too. Why did the author have to kill him? He was sooooo cool. Maybe Numair

 can bring him back to life in the next quartet, preferably one in which Kel actually has a love life. Who knows?

( Anonymous: okay. Cool. Danka schurne, in my pathetic, mispelled German that I'm mangling even as I think, because I stole it

from my mom, who other than the time we stopped in Germany while going to South Africa, hasn't spoken it in thirty years.

Siren Porter: thank you!! I'm running out of creative ways to say it! But thanx soo much.

Jishoshojo: do u speak Japanese, ever lived in Japan, or are u just an anime freak? Cuz I luv your name. Well, the problem is, I

always have to make something funny, because whenever I read angst fics and all they ever do is: oh my gosh I want to die I'm

 anorexic I'm on drugs I'm just like: get over yourself. Besides, the most depressed person I know is also the most hyper. Have to

 model from real life, yknow (

 Keita: I'm trying to hurry, trust me!!!!! It's just field hockey games, and homework, and dance classes, and the fact that my brother

 never gets off the internet unless his life depends upon it or I make mom kick him off, I'm kinda stuck.

 Anonymous: thanx!! I liked Cleon too, it's just that I think that in the books he's sorta a spineless wimp not to go off and marry

her. In case u can't tell, I read Lady Knight recently, and she has no discernable love life, while with Alanna it was like: slow down!!

Lady Arabian Night: thank you! Don't worry, I'm writing it right now!!! That girl: thank you!!!!! I'm so glad you like Joren. He's my

 favorite. *embraces her collection of stuffed male blond dolls, all of whom she has named Joren, except for the one she has named

Draco* I'm just writing Joren and Kel in a way I find amusing. It's sorta like I'm trying to argue with myself on a computer screen.

The Dark Lady Adrienne: thank you! I'm so glad you like my fic! Btw, I loved yours. It was one of the ones that addicted me to Joren.

 Before I went on FF.net, I was in love with Neal. But now I have seen the light. I don't like Jon too much either, but I'm weird. I didn't

 like George, either. Okay? To set the record straight I WANTED ALANNA WITH LIAM. Maybe I'll write another fic about that.

 Lady Arwen Evenstar: thank you. Btw, I love your name. From Lord of the Rings, right?

Cami of Queenscove: well, maybe.. *does a naughty little grin* But don't you think it must have been sooo annoying to have those two

 as your students when they were teenagers? I mean, come on. I thought, until I read Squire, that Joren was going to wind up with her.

Why did you have to kill him? Why???????

 Darcel: Aye aye general person! To be started immediately. Thank you!

Thank yous: The Dark Goddess: I'm sorry!!!! It's not my fault. I get dragged away from the computer just when my muse starts flowing,

 and I can't do anything about it. I was planning to update on Oct. 19, but I never got around to it. Yes, I know the need for the j/k fix.

Most of the fics I regularly check out have evil blonde guys. It's hilarious.

The Dark Lady Adrienne: I know, isn't it? The only thing better than fictional love hate relationships is real life ones. And remind me, if you

do review again, which you certainly will, right?..to review your story. I might have done an anonymous review, but I'm not sure, and

that would have been ten million years ago. And with Liam.ignore the fact that she wrote bad romances for him, and just focus on the

 character. Or maybe she should have married Raoul. I never liked Buri too much anyway.

The Lady Maharet of Raleigh: thank you sooooooo much!!! I always get soooo happy when people tell me they like my fics. Perhaps it's

because my stupid english teachers throughout my life have always given me bad grades. For not being 'coherent' enough. Ugh.

Keita: well, I'm writing this whole story for my own personal amusement, so perhaps.meaning, most likely, yes.

Cytosine: thank you! I'm so glad you think it's cool. (strikes up her theme music really really loud) by the way, I found your Owen, the

serial killer who says jolly, to be hilarious. Keep up the nuthouse stories! And the summer camp ones. They're fab!

Cami of Queenscove: tell me about it. That was Joren attempting to flirt. He's kinda bad at it, but he sorta does in this chapter, cuz I

WANT THEM TO GET INTO THEIR FRIGGIN' "RELATIONSHIP" ALREADY. Don't Latin and Greek SUCK. I'm taking Latin at school. GO figure.

Anonymous: thanks!! I love reviewers, review, and I'll even post you on my last chapter, which will include detailed thankyous to every

 one who reviewed, but I NEED A NAME!

Wendy: don't worry. I NEVER quit stories unless they have 0 reviews, in which case I take them down to do some work on them.

Siren Porter: I'm TRYING to up the whole tension between them. The whole authority-figure thing might change the chemistry a bit. Glad

u found it funny.

Zenin, you reviewed SOOOOO much!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Speaking of Mr. Peters, you so must have met my fifth grade

 teacher. She was a, shall we say, verah ol fashion southe'n lady, an' we were all goin' to become lahk that we grew up. My dialect is

 terrible; she was one of the few people I knew with an actual accent. Ha. Ha. Like I said, this story is all for my own personal amusement,

 and that AMUSED me, to put it lightly. I'm not gonna make him mushy! The worst I'll do is suggestive flirting, as far as mushiness goes,

and that's not the same thing. No one who has reviewed wants fluff, and besides, I think fluff sounds SOOOOO stupid.

Charlotte: That's the thing!!!!!!! They're not so short, they just look like that. They're like four pages long!

Thank yous: Siren Porter: I know. imagine.and it must be so boring up north.whatever are they going to do?

PurpleSakura: Purple cherry blossoms. Interesting. I know, it was kind of stupid, but just in case anyone hasn't figured out by now,

this is sorta angst/romance/humor, and Kel has an attitude problem. I'm so glad u think its.interesting.

Lady Arwen Evenstar: thank u very much!

 Lady Arabian Knight: nooooooooooooooo! I can't have them kill each other! I think making out with corpses is just a little too gross

 for me to write. I couldn't remember the dude's name, so I figured I might as well make a joke out of it.

 Cami of Queenscove: no, I'll try to update often, but it might take a while. They'll probably just start because they're bored, and move

 on from there. The broom closet idea might actually be good: while spying in Scanra, they get locked in a broom closet. Nice. I might

actually use that.

Cleantha: thank you!

(MagixPawn: I'm glad u think its funny. People always love my sense of humor or think I'm psycho.

he Dark Goddess: that is weird. I wonder. I'm sorry I stole ur idea! It wasn't intentional! I just needed something for them to do, because,

u know, they ARE good, just annoying little brats. They have to do something important.