Summary: Set in the 'Before and After' timeline. After so many Krenim attacks and losses, Tom needs a reason to live. Kes wants him to understand that he is her reason.

Note: Hey, these 'Before and After' things are fun to write. I might make a series out of this, someday.

Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager and all related characters owned by Paramount Studios. No copyright infringement is intended.
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"I would have told her then
that she was the only thing
that I could love in this dying world
but the simple word 'love' itself
had already died and went away."

"Coma Black," Marilyn Manson
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The night was dark and dark blood flowed from his hand, carrying with it the river of rage that had brought him to this point. And the insanity of everything suddenly shone with the clarity of his face in the mirror and…

"Computer…end simulation." With those few words the wet midnight street of Marseilles disappeared and with it the car he had been driving too fast, and the rearview mirror that reflected nothing but defeat and death, death…

Picking himself off the holodeck floor, Tom Paris straightened his uniform, faintly disgusted to see that no hint of the street fight he had won remained. Holodeck safeties were the perfect invention, all right. Pity they didn't extend to mind-wipes, he might actually get some sleep without visiting sickbay…or worse yet, the Doctor himself. "Computer, delete program."

"Authorization required-"

"Paris Alpha-three-Delta-Omega."

Computer, talk to me about something more personal than command codes, before I finish going insane…

"Isolation code acknowledged."

Snorting, he headed through the holodeck doors, slipping into the crowded corridor. A few of the crewmembers nodded, but most avoided looking at him. All of them made way as if a dervish were tearing his way down the hall.

"Excuse me." A familiar, politely urgent voice called out and interrupted his reverie.

Slowing, Paris glanced over his shoulder. Kes pushed her way through the remaining crowd, quickly matching his step. She looked flushed and tired already despite the fact that her shift had just begun, a tendril of hair falling limply across her face.

"Commander…"

"Tom, I told you, for Christ's sake."

"Tom." His mood didn't seem to affect her. He wished for that kind of control. "I have the data you requested. Tuvok also said you needed to discuss something with me, I believe?"

"I told him it could hold…" Taking the padd she held out, he tucked it under his arm quickly. "But I guess now is as good a time as any. Chakotay prepared a stat list he wanted me to authorize. You realize that with Doc's program acting up, a situation putting you in control of Medical is more and more likely, and I don't have much time to dedicate to sickbay shifts these days. If you need more help, a crewman will be reassigned."

"No." The petite Ocampan shook her head, frowning. "I hardly think the damage the Doctor has sustained during the Krenim attacks warrants such morbid planning. Too much has changed over the past months already, there's hardly any sense in disrupting another routine."

"That's not all." Peering down at her over his own padd, he smiled grimly. "There's also a note here authorizing your transfer in the event of a command change. You've been doing pretty well on your piloting lately, better than some of the actual crewmen expected to excel in that area. It's just a precaution…Chakotay and Tuvok are my current line of defense. If something happens to one of them and I end up a pulling executive duty, Voyager will need fresh pilots. I want you on the list…but you need more time training. I'll get back to you with a schedule."

"I'm not certain that piloting is among my areas of expertise, or ever will be. I've enjoyed the lessons with you…" Her voice faltered, cheeks coloring oddly. "But really, Tom, I'm not even an official member of the crew. I don't hold a rank…"

"Do you think that's all that we look for in leaders?" Trying to decipher her sudden unease, he scratched at his neck absently. "If you wanted a field commission I know Chakotay would work it out."

"No…that's not what I meant. I'm happier as a civilian for now. I just…it's such a responsibility to grant someone who has no position, when there are so many ranked crewmen waiting for a chance to prove themselves on Voyager."

"Trust me; those crewmen don't hold a candle to what you have." Touching her nose lightly with a finger, he managed a grin.

"If that's what you believe." Smiling as well, she arched a brow. "I can take more lessons, but I find it hard to believe I'll be as capable as you…of leading a mission like the quantum drive venture."

"Actually…" Stepping back, he shrugged slightly. "I turned it down. Too old for high speed chases and blind highways."

"I seem to remember a not much younger Tom Paris who would have leapt at such an opportunity."

"He grew up. Home is where the heart is, and I'm no longer willing to risk lives for the sake of some far off false Eden. If Chakotay and Harry want to be stupid enough, let them. I'll be here to pick up the pieces…whatever's left."

"It may seem reckless, Tom, but these people…so much has happened. The crew needs to find a way back to the Alpha Quadrant more than ever before. They've worked so hard, and with so few rewards. Everyone needs this chance."

"What Janeway and B'Elanna and the rest worked for won't be worth anything if we all die trying to reach some twisted ideal of nirvana." Stuffing the padd back into her hands, he stared grimly at the crew brushing past them. "Or if they die trying to get there. Too many have died already. Good try, but I'm beyond letting my victories fuel my recklessness."

She sighed. "I'm to prepare to have control over sickbay, understood…and I may be reassigned to helm on an interim basis if the Captain and Ensign Kim don't return and we somehow survive this despite."

Holding the turbolift door, he cocked a brow at her as she waited outside. "Believe me, hope it never happens."

Though he would never have admitted it aloud, Lieutenant Commander Tom Paris felt brief, unfettered commiseration at the horror the responsibility that had been laid bare before the both of them. "Kes." He began more gently, releasing the door and watching it slide slowly shut. "It's just a command chain Chakotay feels he should have made official a long time ago. You wouldn't be up for the change if he didn't believe you could do it."

"I would hardly be up for the change at all if not for the fact that Voyager is losing more crewmen by the day, Tom." The Ocampan underscored tersely, mouth settling into unusually grim lines as she backed away from the half-closed access. "Well, I'll let you go, Commander. You're headed to sickbay, I suppose?"

"Actually, I…"

"Good. Please tell the Doctor that his assistant will be forced to take the remainder of her shift off in order to arrange further studies."

"But you don't have to do it now, and I don't want to go see the Doc…"

"Thank you for being a good messenger. Have a wonderful afternoon." Spinning, the blonde pushed back through the crowds at breakneck speeds.

Paris rubbed his forehead and let the door slide shut, finally expelled a breath or two, staring upward. "Computer…the bridge…deck One."

"Unable to comply. Auxiliary rerouting estimates deck four to be the nearest drop off point from this turbolift…"

"Sickbay is on deck four. You've got to be kidding me." Spreading his fingers slightly, the first officer and sometimes helmsman of Voyager stared at the opening door. "If this is a universal conspiracy, the universe can just…oh, great to see you, Harry." He muttered an almost complaint.

Lieutenant Junior Grade Kim's dark eyes frowned at him as he leapt through the shutting door. "Good afternoon to you too, Ex…ex-friend? Did that bout of mutual comradeship end with the rest of sanity? Never mind. Is it just me or is Kes acting more than a little odd…probably me."

"Oh, cut it. She's just being honest with her feelings, we should probably be grateful she hasn't fried a bulkhead yet, with her mental powers. What's that face…damn, what's wrong with you?"

"Tom, are you sure you don't want to pilot the shuttle for the quantum drive forage?"

"Do you need me there to hold your hand, Harry?"

"Shut up, wise guy." Kim crossed his arms. "You know Chakotay's reputation…no, recorded history…with shuttles. Do you really want to trust our lives on such a critical flight, especially in light of his mood lately? He's…well, despondent."

"Yeah, well, maybe if he wasn't wearing Janeway's pips he wouldn't have so many pieces of her to live up to."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Banging the padd he held against his thigh, Voyager's Ops officer glared.

Tom sighed. "Computer, deck four."

"Acknowledged." The tinny voice echoed again briefly.

"Look, Harry. I've overseen Chakotay's flight qualification tests myself. Mythos to the contrary, it usually isn't his fault when something goes wrong. He's a damn good pilot. I'd trust him with the quantum mission more than anyone aboard…more than I trust it to myself at the moment. As for his mood lately…we've all been bitchy and sullen. Kes included. We lost a lot of good people…good friends and family…to the Krenim. He just has to bear the bigger load now. But…that's something Chakotay's used to. He led a Maquis crew, that's no petty task. He's a Captain, and he'll pull through."

"Maybe." Harry sighed, trailing his best friend out into the corridor when the lift stopped. "But I still think we'd all feel a whole lot better if you agreed to lead Voyager through. You are the Chief Pilot."

"That's why I need to be at her helm. The shuttle would only experience the fringes of any problem, Harry. It could be flown through easily. Voyager is a big lady with a big attitude. I'd feel better handling her myself, since Chakotay insists on making the attempt under less than optimum conditions. You and he have the shuttle and I'm staying here. Everyone can stop nagging."

"Is that what Kes was doing, then?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Just that she's not the type of friend it'd be wise to let grief and a bad mood shove away. She's been running herself ragged helping the crew and keeping a special eye on you since Torres died, Tom. It might be nice if you looked up long enough to show a little patience and gratitude."

"I guess so." Sighing, Voyager's helmsman pinched the bridge of his nose as they stepped into the ominously quiet sickbay. "I've been depending on her. Maybe too much…"

"We all have. Doctor, are you here?" Kim filled the trailing silence, tapping a nearby console. "Computer, what's the status of the EMH program?"

"The EMH Mark Two program is currently offline. File corruption is detected in subdirectories…"

"You were saying?" Settling a glare on his companion, Paris sat the padd he held down, reaching up and tapping his com badge. "Vorik, the Doctor is offline again."

"Commander Paris." The abruptly promoted engineer could hardly have sounded more put out for a Vulcan. "I am otherwise occupied. A holographic malfunction is currently among the least of our concerns."

"He's not just any hologram, Lieutenant, he's our doctor."

"You are a medic. There have been no critical battle injuries within the past forty-eight hours. Is there a pressing reason why you cannot handle the Doctor's scheduled appointments for today?"

"No." Glaring at the wall, Paris shook his head warningly as a grin began working its way up his companion's face. "Thanks as always, Vorik. Have a wonderful day."

"I will endeavor to solve the problem tomorrow. Patience is a virtue."

"That's it." The pilot muttered, slapping the com badge again to shut the channel.

"You were saying something about sullen?" Kim lifted a brow.

"Vulcans are always sullen; our friend Vorik just takes it to extremes at times. Let me see…" Flicking on the nearby medical terminal, Tom scanned the schedule.

"Ayala needs a head examination…big surprise…Chell thinks his antennae are infected…what is it with those Maquis?"

"You were one yourself, Paris." The ops officer reminded as he headed for the door.

"I was too smart for them."

"That's why you got caught on your first mission, I suppose."

"Hey." Peering back down, Paris sighed. "Naomi needs that surgery to repair the fracture she got during that battle, poor kid. It's going to be a busy day."

"Need help?"

"I'd better leave Kes alone. She's mad enough at me. No, I'll take it one case at a time."

"Maybe you should just apologize." The Lieutenant suggested. "I bet Wildman would pick up a flower or two from hydroponics on her way down here if you wanted a gift to give Kes. You could ask her to assist during the surgery and pop the flowers out after the Wildmans leave, and…"

"Ah. Harry Kim, hopeless star stranded romantic. Steal Kes' flowers to assuage her annoyance and make a fool of myself offering an overture I might not even be interested in? No thanks, Harry. Stop playing Cupid, I'm not interested…it's just too soon, and I may never be interested again. So go on, just tell Chakotay that my bridge shift is officially over for the day. I'll work alone."

"And die alone."

"I think I have a better shot of doing that with Kes. She's Ocampan, remember? Of course, I wouldn't be averse to an exploding bulkhead knocking me on my ass and snapping my neck right now either, if anyone with power over the cosmos is listening."

"Tom!"

"Get lost, Jay-Gee!" Propelling his friend out of sickbay with a series of less than gentle kicks, Paris glowered, waiting until a gaping Kim had disappeared around the corner to return to the Doctor's office. Sitting, he began sifting through padds again, finally coming up with the one he wanted and scanning it. The last Krenim attack had come four days ago, and while there hadn't been any mortal injuries, there had been plenty of wounded. Sam Wildman's toddler had been the only crewman small enough to make it through the partially collapsed Jeffries tubes, and so off young Naomi had gone against everyone's better judgment, relaying messages without complaint for two days. It had been the only option at the time, of course, but that didn't erase the fact that countless burns, contusions and a heavily fractured hip had resulted. The surface had been healed earlier, the fracture had been held off until the enemy was distant and calm could prevail. The psychological…just another in a long line of shocks.

"Poor kid." He repeated briefly, noting the required surgical procedures in her file.

"If you mean Harry, he seems a little upset, but I'm certain that he'll recover once I've assured him that you aren't imminently suicidal." Kes slid into the room; hair neatly combed once more, pale face devoid of the earlier frustration.

"Too busy to be." He offered shortly.

"I suppose I had better stay with you and see that you're kept that way, then."

Pausing, Paris looked up, lips quirking. "He put you up to it?"

"No. I think you flustered him enough to forestall any plans he might have had. Actually…" Drawing near, she perched on the edge of the desk. "The Captain asked me to return to sickbay. He noted that you looked a little peaked earlier and he looked in on Sam this morning. It seems today is a bad day for Naomi. It was his opinion that you might need a hand in here."

"Captain Considerate, that's what we'll call him."

"Tom, being perpetually angry isn't going to help anyone."

"I'm…not…perpetually angry." Blowing out a breath, he let the padd fall to the Doctor's desk, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. "I'm tired of it all. We can't get an edge on them. Voyager has been under attack for months. The bulkheads are scorched. People are being reassigned so swiftly that it's a miracle anyone has a clue what they're doing. We're starving. We've stooped to sending a two year old through fiery tubes on missions just because she's smart enough to retain messages and looks innocent enough that the enemy doesn't consider her a threat. Naomi's innocence was gone a hell of a long time ago…and pretty soon more stasis pods will be occupied than beds."

"And you don't find all of this reason to try and use the transwarp drive, get out of Krenim territory?"

"Of course I do! I know the facts. I know that we need to do this. But I just can't take the lead on it, Kes. It's this gut feeling I have…the same one I had when Lanna died. I walked around all morning with that feeling…there were moments I couldn't breathe the terror hit so hard. I'd never felt that way before, and I never felt that way again…until this damned quantum drive came up. Well…maybe I looked the fool, but B'Elanna and Captain Courageous should have listened. I couldn't do anything about it then, Janeway's attitude was to let her do the strategizing and me the flying. Chakotay's a hell of a better listener…but he's desperate too. His choice is his choice…but he can't make me do the piloting. This time I draw the line."

"Tom…" Standing, she moved quickly around the desk, arms encircling his shoulders.

Sniffing, Paris slapped angrily at her hands, raising the other palm to roughly scrape the moisture from his eyes. "I don't want your god damn pity!" As soon as the words escaped he regretted them, turning his head and taking in the hurt surprise written in the blue eyes. "Haven't you ever had a decision put before you that there was no right answer to, one where all the greater good in the universe wasn't enough to shield you from your own fears?"

Inhaling, the Ocampan removed her hands. "One. I should have told Captain Janeway…" Her head shook swiftly, voice sharp. "That doesn't matter now, I can't change the decisions I've made already. And I can't regret being here when you need me. You do need me. And you need to talk to Chakotay or Tuvok. Post-traumatic stress is normal, but this is tearing you apart, Tom."

"I can't talk to Chakotay." Running a hand through his hair, the helmsman sighed.
"B'Elanna was like a daughter to him, and Janeway…he has enough on him, that's why I can't flat out ask him to stop the mission. You were right earlier; everyone needs this chance…everyone but me. Voyager is the only home I've ever had, the only family. I suppose I have to learn that it isn't the same for everybody."

"You may just be surprised if you think about it more deeply. Think of Naomi, Tom. This is the only home she's ever had. All of her good memories are here, not simply memories of crawling through Jeffries tubes. I'm willing to speculate that the thought of getting home is more behind her recent misbehavior than any trauma from the battle. And the Doctor…he's only just begun to settle in with his existence and begin to explore. He had nothing to gain by returning to the Alpha Quadrant. And Neelix and I…Voyager has given us so much. I doubt anything the Alpha Quadrant has to offer could rival it."

"Naomi will outgrow most of her memories, given time and a better situation. She's young. You and Neelix could leave in his ship if you have doubts. It's a little different for me. This is my home, but I wasn't born to it. The only human left out here…Chakotay would never agree to leave me, neither would Tuvok. I don't blame them; I've caused enough uproar in this quadrant. And I frankly don't know how I could take it, staying alone."

"If Neelix and I left in his ship where would we go, Paris?" Her voice hardened. "The Krenim would have us in a day's time. Do you think you're the only person ever trapped in a gilded cage, afraid of the darkness? Perhaps I should have accepted it, forsaken the sun. But I didn't, and I'll be here until the end, however it comes. I made that choice, not any higher power. I don't want to hear you asking for release. You don't deserve the type you always seem to seek. And I want you to rid yourself of those deep-rooted human mores. If you feel the need to grieve, cry on my shoulder. Don't kick poor Harry. Stop expecting to be alone. Please, stop pushing me away. There is no Neelix and I. Whether you like it or not, you happen to be all I have. I know your heart is still broken, but there's no reason you should have to suffer it alone. B'Elanna wouldn't want you to, and I must honor her by refusing to let you. You're the only thing I have left."

"I…" Standing, he turned, gaping.

"Now…" She interrupted softly, cheeks flaming as her emotion driven tirade ended. "The Wildmans are due any moment. Can you handle the procedure?"

"Yeah." Lifting an instructional padd, he shook off the last vestiges of agitation and skimmed. "Yes, I think so. It seems straightforward enough."

"Good. I'll go ready what you need, and stay in case I'm required. We'll miss first mess, but I think I have replicator rations hoarded. We can brunch later and discuss my flight training schedule."

"Kes." Catching her arm as she maneuvered around the desk and headed for main sickbay, Tom managed a small smile. "Thanks. And I'm…I'm glad you're here." Watching as she disappeared around the corner with a faint smile of her own, he tapped his com badge. "Paris to Kim."

"Paris?"

"Where are you, Lieutenant?"

"Deck eight, picking up Naomi. The Captain needs Sam on the bridge. Naomi and I will be there in a few minutes."

"That's great." Tom sat up quickly, peering through the window out into main sickbay. Kes was bent over a biobed, arranging instruments on a tray.

"Your prospective patient doesn't think so." Kim sounded less than amused himself.
"What did you need?"

"Uh…well, if you were in the vicinity of hydroponics…which you are…I was going to ask you to pick up a couple of plants and swing by sickbay. Looks like the Fates are conspiring in my favor."

"Flowers? What happened since I left, Paris? Did you ram your head into a bulkhead? Perform a personality transplant?"

"Very funny…just pick up a rose or two."

"You want to give her roses?" The amused tones rose to a squeak. "That fast? I didn't mean to send you on a rampage, you know!"

"I meant a yellow rose or two, Harry…to stand for friendship."

"That's what they all say."

"Shut up. It was your idea in the first place." Blushing despite himself, the helmsman and often medic lifted a hand to rub at his neck.

"Well, I was trying to distract you from your misery. I didn't actually expect you to go through with it. Tom…"

"Oh for crying out loud, just pick up the kid and the flowers and come on, Lieutenant!" Slapping the channel shut, Paris swiveled in his seat, jumping slightly as he found Kes waiting just inside the doorway. "Ah…"

"Everything is set up." The Ocampan's blue eyes twinkled.

Damn. Standing, he shrugged, forcing an easy smile. "If you wanted to get back to the bridge or take some time off, I can handle things here."

"No…I wouldn't miss this for the universe." He could have sworn that she stifled a burst of laughter before her face sobered. "Naomi has some very sharp teeth. Harry may require dermal regeneration."

"All right...if you insist." Hiding his discomfort, the pilot slipped past her, rolling up his sleeves and taking a deep breath. Approaching footsteps and the outraged howling of Voyager's first child heralded guests even before the sickbay doors slid open.

"I do." Kes patted his arm briefly just as the door slid open, smile widening. "Let's take this one step at a time, together."

FIN