Title: To Silence the Voice
Author: Irish Dachsie
Rated: PG
Disclaimer: The author does not own CSI. No profit is being made from this story.
To Silence the Voice
Why are you doing this? Why don't you just talk to her? No one says you have to tell her everything that has happened in your life. But, for the love of God…talk to her!
He watched her silently as she methodically made her way through the crime scene. They hadn't spoken to each other in days. He found it easier to just ignore the tension. At least, that's what he told himself. It wasn't any easier. Nothing was any easier. If anything, his life was in more disarray than it had ever been before.
He took a deep breath as he watched the young paramedic walk up to her. Warm smiles were exchanged. He remembered the smiles she used to give to him. Only him. It had been weeks since he had seen one of those smiles. He felt himself spiral deeper into the hole he had dug himself. Nothing to grab onto, nothing to steady himself. He fell, faster and deeper.
She did say they were only friends, you know…
He shook his head lightly at the thought. His eyes continued to watch them. He observed that there was no sexual tension between them. Their eyes did not hold the gaze that lovers share. His eyes narrowed slightly in concentration as he read their lips.
You know, you really shouldn't be doing that. It's the same as eavesdropping…
Shut up.
He suddenly realized that he was arguing with himself again. And during that argument, he had missed part of the conversation he had been observing so intently. With a heavy sigh, he turned and walked towards the Tahoe. He had done all he could do here anyway.
"Grissom! Hey…Griss!"
He slowly turned towards the voice, only to see that she was still caught up in conversation with Hank. Her voice echoed in his mind. But, he knew the voice was only a memory. Nothing more. She hadn't called out to him. She had before…but not now, not anymore.
He climbed into the vehicle and turned the ignition. With one more long look, he pulled out slowly and began the trek back to the lab.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Her head snapped up at the sound of the SUV's engine. She watched him leave with the sorrow in her eyes that Hank always failed to recognize. He was still talking, she wasn't listening. His hand on her arm brought her eyes from the fading taillights of the Tahoe back to him.
"You okay, Sara?"
She smiled lightly. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"He doesn't like me, does he?"
Confusion shone in her eyes as she looked at him. "What? Why do you say that?"
He shrugged his shoulders. She hated it when he shrugged his shoulders. It's the motion of a person who doesn't care. Irritation swept through her body. She fought to keep herself listening to him.
"I don't know…he just doesn't say much. And…he's always just…looking at me." He shrugged his shoulders again.
I wouldn't mind shrugging his head right at this moment…
She shook the thought from her head and tried her best to not let her irritation show in her tone. "Grissom doesn't say much to anyone anymore."
He shrugged his shoulders once more. Her subconscious glared at him.
STOP THAT! God, he's so…
"Maybe he's just jealous."
Her thought stopped abruptly in her head. "What?"
"Yeah, jealous. Because, he knows that I have you and…"
He knew immediately by the flash of anger in her eyes that he had said the wrong thing.
"Excuse me? You have me? We're friends, Hank…you don't have me. You never have. You never will. And now…I need to get back to the lab."
She turned to walk towards her own vehicle. He knew he shouldn't have said anything. He should've just let her go. But…he couldn't stop himself.
"Back to the lab? Or back to him?"
She stopped her forward motion. Turning slowly towards him, she tried to choose her words carefully. Seeing his smirk, her words left her. She said the first thing that came into her head.
"Shut up, Hank."
His smirk faded immediately. Not from her words, not even from her tone. Her eyes. He had never seen that look in her eyes. If he didn't already have suspicions of her feelings towards her supervisor, he did now. He did as she asked, and silently watched her leave…her tires kicking up the dust on the road.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
He was sitting in his office, working on the paperwork from the night. Or, rather, staring at it as he tapped his pen against his lower lip.
You should've told her a long time ago how you felt. But, no…
Shut up.
I'm not shutting up this time, Gil. You know as well as I do that you can only keep her hanging on for so long before she gets tired of it and finds someone else.
'You know as well as I do'? I AM you.
Then, you know what I say is true.
Shut up.
He found that he argued with himself more lately. Maybe that was because he wouldn't talk to anyone anymore.
Why don't you talk to anyone , Gil?
You know why.
Tell me.
Shut up.
No, tell me. Are you afraid that if you talk, people will realize that you're losing your hearing?
Shut up.
Because, you know…they already suspect. Especially Sa..
Shut UP!
He dropped the pen from his shaking hand. He knew he was right. Sara did suspect. He could see it in her eyes when she did happen to look at him. So, he did the only thing he knew to do. Distance himself. From his co-workers, from the truth…from her.
You know that's the stupid thing to do. You NEED people right now, Gil. You NEED the truth. You NEED her.
They'll just pity me.
No, you're doing that yourself.
I am not.
You are too.
I am NOT!
I'm not having this childish conversation with you, Gil. You know you are. If you weren't, then they would know. You wouldn't be going through this alone.
I'm not going through this alone. I have you to talk to.
Who am I, Gil? I'm YOU. Remember? You are going through this alone.
"I have to stop this."
"Stop what?"
Startled, more than a little, he looked towards the door. She stood there, leaning against the frame, her arms crossed, a small smile playing at her lips.
"Nothing…" The word was a mere whisper.
"Argue with yourself too, don't you?" Her smile was widening.
He cleared his throat softly and sat back in his chair.
Answer her question, Gil.
"Sara…uh…what do you need?"
I said ANSWER her question, not ASK her one!
Shut up.
Her smile faded somewhat, but it still lingered in the depth of her brown irises. "Shift's almost over…"
He glanced at the clock and saw that, once again, she was correct. He looked back at her, silently questioning her.
"…and, I was wondering if you might like to go get some breakfast and…talk."
"Talk? About what?"
You're an idiot, Gil. Have I told you that lately? A complete and utter idiot.
I said shut up.
Her smile faded completely. He instantly regretted his words and wished that he had listened to the voice instead.
He watched as she moved from her leaning position and stood up straight. He could see the confusion and pain in her eyes, even from this distance. He wanted to go to her, to hold her, to tell her how much he cared for her.
Then…do it.
No.
Why?
Shut up.
That's your answer for everything, isn't it? When you don't want to answer me, you just tell me to shut up. You know damn well that I'm not going to shut up. You know that. You know…
Shut up.
You know I'm right, Gil.
He thought about it for a moment, and then stood. Slowly, he walked towards her. He stopped abruptly, obviously second-guessing the entire situation. His mouth opened to speak. No words formed. His mouth closed. His gaze dropped to the floor.
"If you keep pushing me away, one day I won't come back." Her words held no anger. Just a simple point of fact.
He looked back up at her.
For once in your life, listen to me Gil. Tell her why you can't have breakfast. Don't let her think that you just don't want to. Be fair to her.
"Sara…I can't…I can't have breakfast with you today."
She nodded and bit the inside of her lower lip. "So, we have nothing to talk about…"
Don't fuck this up, Gil. Don't do it.
"No…we do have things to talk about…things we need to talk about. Just…not today."
Look in her eyes, Gil. You're confusing her again. Can't you see that?
Yes, I can see it. I'm going deaf, not blind.
Then make her UNconfused.
Unconfused? Is that even a word?
Does it really matter right now? Tell her WHY it can't be today.
"Sara…"
She shifted her weight nervously as she sensed his hesitation. She uncrossed her arms and clasped her hands behind her back in a silent welcoming gesture for him to continue. She knew communication was not his strong suit.
He recognized the gesture and took a deep breath before continuing.
"Sara…I have an appointment with the doctor this morning. I'm not…" His eyes closed briefly, trying to find the words.
"Your hearing…"
His eyes snapped open and looked at her. Her whispered words screaming in his head. She knew.
I told you she suspected.
Please, just be quiet for a moment. Please.
I like that much better than 'shut up'.
Please.
Her trembling hand reached out and gently covered his ear. Her thumb caressing the helix. His eyes found hers, searching for something. Anything. What he found there astounded him. Understanding. Compassion. And…what is that? Love?
He inhaled deeply.
"Breakfast some other time then?"
He nodded slowly.
"You don't have to go through this alone, Grissom. You don't."
In her eyes, he saw the truth in her words.
He heard his own voice softly croak out two words.
"Dinner? Tonight?"
Her smile returned. His smile. The smile that he had missed seeing for so many weeks.
"Dinner…tonight."
She leaned over and placed a soft kiss on his cheek before turning and walking out the door. Slowly, his own smile took up residence on his lips.
He glanced back at the clock and quickly grabbed his jacket. If he didn't hurry, he'd be late.
Hey…thanks.
Silence.
Are you there?
Silence.
When I don't want you to talk, you rattle incessantly. When I want you here, you're gone. It doesn't make sense.
Silence.
And then…a small whisper. You don't need me anymore, Gil. You're not alone any longer.
He stopped in his tracks and thought about that. It was true. He wasn't alone anymore. Sara would be there for him.
He chuckled lightly to himself. The voice had driven him crazy for weeks. He had begged it to leave him alone. And, in the end…all that was needed to silence the voice was for him to take the first step in the right direction. In Sara's direction.
For the first time, he smiled all the way to the doctor's office.