Chapter 8: "Without you"
"Dearest Pyretta,
Everyday for the past year I have written you and still I have yet to receive a reply. Where are you? Are you okay? Do you know that I'm alive? Are you still alive? I don't want to but I'm starting to fear the worst. Damn it Pyra, give me a sign, any sign, just let me know you're alright for Merlin's sake! I don't know how much more I can take. I feel I will go insane if I don't receive a word from you!
Why don't you answer my letters? Do you get them? Or did you grow tired of our love? Did what we have mean nothing to you? Do you realize I almost died because I would not renounce my love for you to your father?? That's right Pyretta. imagine my surprise when instead of you walking through our bedroom door it was Lord Voldemort.
When I would not give up my love for you he put me under the cruciatus curse. Again he told me to say that I didn't love you, but I wouldn't. I'll never forget the look in his eyes. He asked me if I would die for you and I told him I would. "So be it!" he said, then cast an Imperius curse on me. I tried to fight it but lost. He made me slit my own damn wrist!! You can't even imagine the pain I endured. Death would have been a relief for me but I wouldn't , I wouldn't let myself die. Even though I was in excruciating pain, I knew one word, one touch from you could make everything alright. But when I awoke, you were gone, vanished without a damn trace! Nobody knew where you went after you brought me to Hogwarts that night. "Revenge" was your last word according to Albus. Did you go and try to find your father? All I know is that he apparently went to the Potter's home that night and killed Lilly and James. Somehow their young son Harry survived the attack and Voldemort disappeared, was that your doing?
It seems that Sirius Black, one of the Potter's friends, was your father's spy, did you know about him? Lucius and myself believe that the Potters told Black of our marriage and he of course told your father. That dirty bastard would have enjoyed seeing me suffer. I always knew he was untrustworthy and still the Potters stupidly made him their secret-keeper. Idiots! They caught Black not long after the attack but before they did he killed another of his so-called friends named Peter Pettigrew. Black is currently serving a life sentence in Azkaban, I hope he rots there for his crimes! Damn him! And Damn the Potters for having mouths! If it weren't for them I might still have you in my arms.
I am considering taking up the post for Potions Master at Hogwarts. Albus is insisting that I should, I do owe it to him. Karkaroff happened to spill my name out when he was listing some of the Death Eaters names, sort of a bargain to spare him from Azkaban. Thankfully though Dumbledore already cleared my name with the Ministry of Magic. Still your name and identity is kept a secret, you exist only in my dreams now which plague me every night.
You could return without fear if you wanted to. I beg of you to return and make me whole once more. I will send a letter out everyday until I get a response from you. I pray this makes it to you. You still own my heart and my soul.
Your love always,
Severus Snape ''
Severus put down his quill and read over the letter, he would send it after his meeting with Dumbledore (which he was already late for). He had made up his mind about taking the job a offered to him. Albus was right, he needed something to take his mind off things. "Sitting around moping isn't going to bring her back to me!" he thought bitterly.
As Severus prepared to leave, the door to his study opened unexpectedly and Albus Dumbledore walked in. Severus looked at him apologetically.
"Please excuse my tardiness headmaster, I just had to finish a few things and."
Dumbledore put his hand up to silence him. "You might do well to sit down Severus." He said very seriously.
Severus sat back down, he knew right away. "It has to do with Pyra, hasn't it?" he asked nervously. "You've heard from her? please tell me!"
Dumbledore pulled out an envelope and handed it to him. "I haven't heard from her. but I do have new of her."
Severus stomach churned as he looked quickly at the parchment. He started to tremble in disbelief. "Is this. please tell me it isn't." Severus could feel his eyes start to weld up with tears, he didn't want to read it.
"I'm sorry Severus. Apparently she could no longer bare the pain of losing you, she believed you were dead and poisoned herself. That is her. obituary."
The parchment fell from Severus' hands, tears streamed down his face as he stared into the fire burning in the fireplace, he felt numb. Dumbledore moved over to comfort him.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" he yelled still staring into the fire.
"Severus, I'm so very sorry. If there is." Albus started but Severus cut him off.
"Please just go away and let me alone!"
"Severus, I don't think it wise for you to be by yourself right now."
"DAMN IT! LEAVE ME BE!" Severus screamed.
"As you wish, I'll be at Hogwarts if and when you need me." With that said, Dumbledore left and Severus was alone.
Severus didn't know how long he had been sitting there staring into the fire, but he was starting to feel again. The pain of the news he has received of his beloved's suicide was worse then any he had ever felt, he was also furious! "How could she!" he thought. He rubbed his tired red eyes, they felt so dry, he believed he cried all the tears he had in him.
Severus decided to retire for the evening, he felt so weak. He made it to the door but then turned around and went back to his desk. He picked up the letter he wrote and the obituary, he dared not look at them. Once again his eyes moved to the fire.
"You're gone! There is nothing I can do about it, so now I have to learn to live my life without you!" he whispered and threw the parchments in to the fire and watched them burn.
"Goodbye my love, rest well."
Oh father (written and sang by Madonna)
It's funny that way, you can get used to the tears and the pain. What a child will believe, you never loved me.
(refrain) You can't hurt me now. I got away from you, I never thought I would. You can't make me cry. You once had the power, I never felt so good about myself.
Seems like yesterday, I laid down next to your boots and I prayed, for your anger to end, oh father I have sinned.
(refrain)
Oh father, you never wanted to live that, you never wanted to hurt me, why am I running away?
Maybe some day, when I look back I'll be able to say, you didn't mean to be cruel, somebody hurt you too!
You can't hurt me now, I got away from you, I never thought I would. You can't make me cry, You once had the power, I never felt so good about myself.
(A/N: Props go to Madonna for the song of course!! Helped me with the story!! Thanks go to everyone who took the time to read and review the story, very cool of all of you! Hope you liked it!! Don't worry Aime'e and Phoenix, there will be a sequel, be sure of it!! Here are the names of people I would like to thank for supporting me: Traci (for nights of Kahlua and dirty thoughts of Alan Rickman), Aime'e (for loving the story so much), Phoenix (for not wanting it to end, how about another shot of Vodka dear?), Maria (for all your help and general advice), Mary (for being the first for reading the story and being amazed about what a good writer I am, who knew?!?) Mom (for getting me started on the HP stories, you started my madness and I am forever grateful!) Dad (don't worry, you'll get over your writers block), Severus Snape (all the dreams and delusions in my happy little world, I love you!), The group Type-0-Negative(so inspiring, "You will the first to be the last, will be my final words, ah she says, Pyretta Blaze") and last but not least J.K. Rowling (you go girl!). Sequel coming soon!)
"Dearest Pyretta,
Everyday for the past year I have written you and still I have yet to receive a reply. Where are you? Are you okay? Do you know that I'm alive? Are you still alive? I don't want to but I'm starting to fear the worst. Damn it Pyra, give me a sign, any sign, just let me know you're alright for Merlin's sake! I don't know how much more I can take. I feel I will go insane if I don't receive a word from you!
Why don't you answer my letters? Do you get them? Or did you grow tired of our love? Did what we have mean nothing to you? Do you realize I almost died because I would not renounce my love for you to your father?? That's right Pyretta. imagine my surprise when instead of you walking through our bedroom door it was Lord Voldemort.
When I would not give up my love for you he put me under the cruciatus curse. Again he told me to say that I didn't love you, but I wouldn't. I'll never forget the look in his eyes. He asked me if I would die for you and I told him I would. "So be it!" he said, then cast an Imperius curse on me. I tried to fight it but lost. He made me slit my own damn wrist!! You can't even imagine the pain I endured. Death would have been a relief for me but I wouldn't , I wouldn't let myself die. Even though I was in excruciating pain, I knew one word, one touch from you could make everything alright. But when I awoke, you were gone, vanished without a damn trace! Nobody knew where you went after you brought me to Hogwarts that night. "Revenge" was your last word according to Albus. Did you go and try to find your father? All I know is that he apparently went to the Potter's home that night and killed Lilly and James. Somehow their young son Harry survived the attack and Voldemort disappeared, was that your doing?
It seems that Sirius Black, one of the Potter's friends, was your father's spy, did you know about him? Lucius and myself believe that the Potters told Black of our marriage and he of course told your father. That dirty bastard would have enjoyed seeing me suffer. I always knew he was untrustworthy and still the Potters stupidly made him their secret-keeper. Idiots! They caught Black not long after the attack but before they did he killed another of his so-called friends named Peter Pettigrew. Black is currently serving a life sentence in Azkaban, I hope he rots there for his crimes! Damn him! And Damn the Potters for having mouths! If it weren't for them I might still have you in my arms.
I am considering taking up the post for Potions Master at Hogwarts. Albus is insisting that I should, I do owe it to him. Karkaroff happened to spill my name out when he was listing some of the Death Eaters names, sort of a bargain to spare him from Azkaban. Thankfully though Dumbledore already cleared my name with the Ministry of Magic. Still your name and identity is kept a secret, you exist only in my dreams now which plague me every night.
You could return without fear if you wanted to. I beg of you to return and make me whole once more. I will send a letter out everyday until I get a response from you. I pray this makes it to you. You still own my heart and my soul.
Your love always,
Severus Snape ''
Severus put down his quill and read over the letter, he would send it after his meeting with Dumbledore (which he was already late for). He had made up his mind about taking the job a offered to him. Albus was right, he needed something to take his mind off things. "Sitting around moping isn't going to bring her back to me!" he thought bitterly.
As Severus prepared to leave, the door to his study opened unexpectedly and Albus Dumbledore walked in. Severus looked at him apologetically.
"Please excuse my tardiness headmaster, I just had to finish a few things and."
Dumbledore put his hand up to silence him. "You might do well to sit down Severus." He said very seriously.
Severus sat back down, he knew right away. "It has to do with Pyra, hasn't it?" he asked nervously. "You've heard from her? please tell me!"
Dumbledore pulled out an envelope and handed it to him. "I haven't heard from her. but I do have new of her."
Severus stomach churned as he looked quickly at the parchment. He started to tremble in disbelief. "Is this. please tell me it isn't." Severus could feel his eyes start to weld up with tears, he didn't want to read it.
"I'm sorry Severus. Apparently she could no longer bare the pain of losing you, she believed you were dead and poisoned herself. That is her. obituary."
The parchment fell from Severus' hands, tears streamed down his face as he stared into the fire burning in the fireplace, he felt numb. Dumbledore moved over to comfort him.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" he yelled still staring into the fire.
"Severus, I'm so very sorry. If there is." Albus started but Severus cut him off.
"Please just go away and let me alone!"
"Severus, I don't think it wise for you to be by yourself right now."
"DAMN IT! LEAVE ME BE!" Severus screamed.
"As you wish, I'll be at Hogwarts if and when you need me." With that said, Dumbledore left and Severus was alone.
Severus didn't know how long he had been sitting there staring into the fire, but he was starting to feel again. The pain of the news he has received of his beloved's suicide was worse then any he had ever felt, he was also furious! "How could she!" he thought. He rubbed his tired red eyes, they felt so dry, he believed he cried all the tears he had in him.
Severus decided to retire for the evening, he felt so weak. He made it to the door but then turned around and went back to his desk. He picked up the letter he wrote and the obituary, he dared not look at them. Once again his eyes moved to the fire.
"You're gone! There is nothing I can do about it, so now I have to learn to live my life without you!" he whispered and threw the parchments in to the fire and watched them burn.
"Goodbye my love, rest well."
Oh father (written and sang by Madonna)
It's funny that way, you can get used to the tears and the pain. What a child will believe, you never loved me.
(refrain) You can't hurt me now. I got away from you, I never thought I would. You can't make me cry. You once had the power, I never felt so good about myself.
Seems like yesterday, I laid down next to your boots and I prayed, for your anger to end, oh father I have sinned.
(refrain)
Oh father, you never wanted to live that, you never wanted to hurt me, why am I running away?
Maybe some day, when I look back I'll be able to say, you didn't mean to be cruel, somebody hurt you too!
You can't hurt me now, I got away from you, I never thought I would. You can't make me cry, You once had the power, I never felt so good about myself.
(A/N: Props go to Madonna for the song of course!! Helped me with the story!! Thanks go to everyone who took the time to read and review the story, very cool of all of you! Hope you liked it!! Don't worry Aime'e and Phoenix, there will be a sequel, be sure of it!! Here are the names of people I would like to thank for supporting me: Traci (for nights of Kahlua and dirty thoughts of Alan Rickman), Aime'e (for loving the story so much), Phoenix (for not wanting it to end, how about another shot of Vodka dear?), Maria (for all your help and general advice), Mary (for being the first for reading the story and being amazed about what a good writer I am, who knew?!?) Mom (for getting me started on the HP stories, you started my madness and I am forever grateful!) Dad (don't worry, you'll get over your writers block), Severus Snape (all the dreams and delusions in my happy little world, I love you!), The group Type-0-Negative(so inspiring, "You will the first to be the last, will be my final words, ah she says, Pyretta Blaze") and last but not least J.K. Rowling (you go girl!). Sequel coming soon!)