Mune no Door – Doorway to the Heart
Scott Iskow
smiskow@lycos.com
***
Just like that, it's over. The destiny I never wanted and couldn't run away from is now behind me. The Angels are defeated. Humanity is saved. And yet I cannot be happy. I know I said I would be, that it was all a matter of perspective, but still, I cannot be happy. Nothing's changed. The world is still an ugly place. I'm still alone. It's easy to say you're going to change. It's easy to have an epiphany. But they don't mean anything unless you're willing to take that epiphany—take your innermost desires—and make them real. I thought I was ready to do that. I really did. I was ready to be happy. I wanted so much to be happy.
And then I woke up.
I saw Rei's head half-buried in the ocean. I saw Asuka laying beside me. Asuka, whom I admired so much and really only wanted one or two kind words from. And then I remembered all of my friends who were now gone. The people I loved. Even ones I loved so much that I came to hate them for it. Misato. Kaworu. Rei. Koji.
Father.
Are they really gone forever? Am I really left here all alone?
With her?
I only thought that I could be happy when I believed I wouldn't be alone. I was ready to embrace the people in my life. And now everyone's gone.
What was the point?
Dammit, what was the fucking point?!
Can anyone tell me?
Misato?
Kaworu?
Father…?
Mother…
There's nothing but pain here. What made me think of coming back? What made me think humanity was worth saving, especially when the people I know and love are already gone?
Tell me.
Tell me.
Tell me!
Please…
Am I doomed to live the rest of my life in uncertainty? Things seemed so clear when I was… inside. I need that clarity. I can't go on without it. I can't. I just can't. If this is what it means to be human, then I'd rather not be human.
"How long are you going to stare at that thing?"
Shinji did not look up at her. "It's Rei."
"It's grotesque. You keep staring at it, you'll wind up even more fucked up."
Shinji said nothing to her.
Asuka sighed and dropped down, sitting next to him. "So what was it like, holding the fate of the world in your unworthy little hands?"
"The same," said Shinji.
They were silent for a long time.
"I really wish they picked someone else," he said, "to pilot 01." Water began to fall from his eyes. It dripped on his hands and pants. Before he could stop himself, he was sobbing like a newborn baby.
After some time, Shinji felt Asuka's hand on his. He tore his own hand away and glared at her, so enraged that he could barely contain it. "Don't. Just don't. I know you don't mean it. You're doing it for yourself. You're selfish, just like everyone else. Just like me. So just forget about it. Go find comfort from someone else. You were always so mean to me. What made you think I'd let you touch me? Just… Just…
"GO AWAY!"
Asuka looked at him like he'd just gone crazy. She wanted to look elsewhere, but only saw Rei's head again. She frowned, then looked at Shinji. "Don't have anyplace better to be."
Asuka put an arm around Shinji's shoulder and forcefully pulled him in so that he was leaning on her. Shinji didn't resist this time. The whole thing was very awkward, as if simple affection and mere consoling were an alien concept to both of them. He wept into her and did not stop weeping for a long, long time. When he was done, they pulled apart.
They continued staring at Rei.
"Big baby," said Asuka.
End.