By: Amy the Yu
On: October 28, 2002
Back to the Beginning
Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation or any of its characters. This fic is written for purposes of amusement only. I am not gaining any profits from this. Blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda...
Warnings: Shounen ai Eiri+Shuichi and angst.
Author's Note: Finally decided to give the angst some semblance of a break. Not really, but some happy flashbacks? This is the longest chapter so far, almost twice as long as my usual. Title inspired by a line from the Buffy season premiere. Anything between **asterisks** are flashbacks. This is the sequel to "Turn Away".
Here's the fic: ~*~*~*~
Shuichi stood at the front door of the apartment that he and Eiri shared, staring at the door quietly.
**"Yuki! I'm home!!!" Shuichi called into the apartment as he threw open the front door. Another day at the recording studio working with K, the slave driver, had passed and he was happy to be home again. Eiri may not be the best lover, but underneath the tough guy exterior, Shuichi just knew that Eiri loved him very much. This knowledge was what kept Shuichi attached to Eiri. They were meant to be together. Shuichi had never doubted that for a moment.**
How many times had Shuichi returned home to run to Eiri as soon as he had gone through these doors? He could not even keep count any longer. He used to love this door because it meant that he was going home to Eiri. Now all it was was an empty promise of a lover that he would never be able to return to.
Shutting his eyes tightly, Shuichi forced back his urge to break down into tears again. He had shed too many tears already. He took a deep breath to calm and prepare himself, put the key into the lock and opened the door.
The apartment seemed foreign to him. Without Eiri, it was not home anymore. There would no longer be Eiri, so this would never be home again. It was time to leave the past and move on.
Turning in the direction of the bedroom, Shuichi saw another door in the hall. The door to Eiri's study. It was still open from when Eiri had slipped out right before the attack, but Shuichi's mind was not on that. All he could think of were the many times he had fallen asleep outside the door waiting for Eiri to go to bed. Eiri had been kind enough to carry him to their bedroom or at least cover him with a blanket every time. There were good times when Eiri was kind. It may have been because there was no one around to catch him in the midst of a nice act, but Shuichi remembered every occasion, even if he was half asleep.
Shuichi stopped outside the door and placed a hand on the knob, tempted to go inside and look around one last time at all the articles tacked up on the wall, and have one last sit in the little stool beside Eiri's computer desk that had been his spot for so many nights when he would stay up late to keep Eiri company while Eiri finished his manuscripts before, or sometimes after, the deadlines.
**"Why are you still here?" Eiri asked the sleepy boy sitting at his side. "You're about to fall asleep any second. Go to bed, Shuichi."
Shuichi yawned. "But, I don't want to leave you here to work by yourself. It's so lonely in this room." Before he could utter another word, his body grew heavy and he laid his head down on the desk so that sleep may overtake him.
Eiri stopped his typing and looked at the sleeping boy. "Baka. You'll catch a cold sleeping like this." He whispered softly, in one of his rare gentle moments that he would only display when he thought no one would find out that this side of him existed. With a sign, he shut off the computer and nudged Shuichi awake. "You win this time. We'll go to sleep now."**
Stopping himself, Shuichi pulled back his hand and continued onwards. It was better to let the happy memories rest undisturbed in that study, so that there may be happy memories left in this apartment, untouched by the nightmares of that horrible event.
Once in the bedroom, Shuichi went straight to the closet and grabbed his suitcase along with any possessions he had in there and around the room. Lastly, all he had left to get was his pillow.
Picking up the fluffy soft pillow, Shuichi spotted a few hairs on it left from the last time he had slept in the apartment, but not all the hairs were his. Mixed in with the bright pink hairs, were a few light blond hairs. The colour of Eiri's hair. They would never share this bed again.
**The latest manuscript was finally finished, and this time, Eiri had actually made the deadline. It was almost four A.M., time to go to bed. He put his glasses down on the computer desk and headed to the bedroom.
Bending over Shuichi's side of the bed, Eiri looked at the gentle sleeping face of his lover. Running a few fingers through the soft pink hair, he placed a small kiss on Shuichi's forehead before straightening himself to go wash up, a soft smile playing on his lips. A smile that Shuichi surely would have missed had he not been awakened when Eiri kissed him on the head. Good thing Eiri left his glasses by his computer and did not notice in the dark room that Shuichi's eyes were opened just a crack.**
Shuichi smiled sadly to himself and placed the pillow back down in it's place on the bed. Perhaps this room could use a few good memories too. The pillow looked better when it was besides Eiri's anyway.
Shuichi closed his suitcase with a click and turned to leave. The room looked almost empty without his belongings scattered all over. At least Eiri will have his clean bedroom back.
Ready to leave for the last time, Shuichi took a deep breath and walked out of the bedroom that he had lived in ever since he had first forced himself into Eiri's life, shutting the door behind him. He knew that he would never see that room again.
Now that Shuichi was back at the front door, he suddenly felt an ache in his chest. The apartment held so many good memories for him and even though he knew he had no choice, he didn't want to leave anymore. One more quick glance around would be okay.
Shuichi put down his suitcase in front of the door and turned to take one last look around the place where he had spent some of the best time in his life. It was the only time he had been truly free to express himself, and do what he liked, as long as it didn't involve getting in Eiri's way.
The living room came into view. That long sofa that he had slept in many times.
**It was Shuichi's first night over at Eiri's apartment. Happy that the author had allowed him to stay, he happily slept on the couch, unaware of the figure standing in the doorway.
Eiri shivered slightly. The air conditioning was turned up way too high, but he didn't want to turn it down. He liked the cold. The idiot, however, would probably catch a cold.
Grabbing a spare blanket from the linen closet, Eiri quietly approached the pink headed singer and gently placed the blanket over his body.
Shuichi instantly grabbed the blanket and snuggled into the warmth that it brought. "Thanks Yuki." He murmured, barely awake. "I knew you cared."**
The little ashtray on the side table where Eiri would chain smoke as he talked to Shuichi. The television that Eiri and Shuichi had watched Bad Luck's performances and Eiri's interviews on together. The coffee table that Eiri had berated Shuichi so often about because Shuichi forgot to use a coaster for his mug.
His mug. Shuichi had forgotten all about it. It was probably in the kitchen on the drying rack waiting to be put away or to be used. How could he have forgotten to get his mug?
Sighing at his faltering memory, Shuichi went to the kitchen to retrieve his favourite mug that he had brought from his parents' house. He walked right past the puddle of dried blood on the floor, the guilty knife still lying where he had dropped it days ago. He did not want to acknowledge it. All he had remembered were happy memories and he didn't want some stupid knife to ruin that for him.
The mug was not on the drying rack where Shuichi had thought it was. Instead, it was sitting besides the coffeemaker. Maybe he could stay just long enough to make some coffee for himself. After all, he had barely gotten any sleep in the last few days and crying for hours did not exactly make him feel fully functional.
While waiting for the fresh pot of coffee to brew, Shuichi decided to dig into the last remains of his junk food stash in the cupboards. Reaching far behind the packages of instant noodles and boxes of cereal and crackers, he pulled out the last box of chocolate Pocky.
Just as Shuichi finished the box of Pocky, the coffee finished brewing. Grabbing the pot, he poured himself a full mug of the deep brown liquid. He blew gently across the top of the mug and took a big gulp. It tasted horrible, but he needed the caffeine and since the milk and cream had probably gone bad by now, he took it black.
Shuichi smiled as he felt the warm drink swirl around his stomach, warming him up. He was so content with having the caffeine in his system that he missed the click as the front door opened and shut.
The intruder crept towards the kitchen, drawn by the smell of the coffee. Upon entering the room, he gasped. "Shuichi?" he croaked, voice barely audible. Confident that he was not hallucinating, he approached the man standing in front of the coffeemaker. "Shuichi." He called out again, loud enough to be heard clearly as he reached a hand towards the pink head.
Shuichi jerked around, surprised that someone had snuck up on him. His eyes widened as he recognized the man approaching him as his former lover.
Mistaking the fatigue in Eiri's eyes as a mad gleam, Shuichi screamed and brought his arms up to protect himself, the mostly full mug of hot coffee in his hand forgotten.
A few drops of the brown drink landed on Eiri's outstretched hands, as he reached for Shuichi. Not understanding why the man he loves was so scared of him, Eiri stopped and slowly backed away as his tears began to flow again. "Please don't hurt me again." He begged, clutching at his stinging hand, completely out of character for the man he once was.
Once at the doorway of the kitchen, Eiri turned and rushed out of the apartment.
Shuichi stood frozen for a moment as what happened settled in. Slowly, his knees gave out and he slid onto the tiled kitchen floor. This was too much for him to bear. Out of tears, he wrapped his arms around his head as he curled into a ball against the counter and heaved dry sobs that shook his entire body. The once strong and stoic man he loved had turned tail and ran away from him. If Eiri could not keep his composure together, how could anyone expect Shuichi to be?
As the singer wallowed in the painful atmosphere Eiri's sudden appearance had created, he realized that the ache in his chest was renewed heart break. Even after all he went through, he could not forget about what he and Eiri shared. He could never forget and he would always need Eiri. Without Eiri, there was no life to him.
The puddle of spilt coffee reached the dried blood and swirled as it mixed with the deep red stain. The blood seemed to come alive again, as if it had just flowed out of a freshly reopened wound.
TBC
Back to the Beginning
Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation or any of its characters. This fic is written for purposes of amusement only. I am not gaining any profits from this. Blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda...
Warnings: Shounen ai Eiri+Shuichi and angst.
Author's Note: Finally decided to give the angst some semblance of a break. Not really, but some happy flashbacks? This is the longest chapter so far, almost twice as long as my usual. Title inspired by a line from the Buffy season premiere. Anything between **asterisks** are flashbacks. This is the sequel to "Turn Away".
Here's the fic: ~*~*~*~
Shuichi stood at the front door of the apartment that he and Eiri shared, staring at the door quietly.
**"Yuki! I'm home!!!" Shuichi called into the apartment as he threw open the front door. Another day at the recording studio working with K, the slave driver, had passed and he was happy to be home again. Eiri may not be the best lover, but underneath the tough guy exterior, Shuichi just knew that Eiri loved him very much. This knowledge was what kept Shuichi attached to Eiri. They were meant to be together. Shuichi had never doubted that for a moment.**
How many times had Shuichi returned home to run to Eiri as soon as he had gone through these doors? He could not even keep count any longer. He used to love this door because it meant that he was going home to Eiri. Now all it was was an empty promise of a lover that he would never be able to return to.
Shutting his eyes tightly, Shuichi forced back his urge to break down into tears again. He had shed too many tears already. He took a deep breath to calm and prepare himself, put the key into the lock and opened the door.
The apartment seemed foreign to him. Without Eiri, it was not home anymore. There would no longer be Eiri, so this would never be home again. It was time to leave the past and move on.
Turning in the direction of the bedroom, Shuichi saw another door in the hall. The door to Eiri's study. It was still open from when Eiri had slipped out right before the attack, but Shuichi's mind was not on that. All he could think of were the many times he had fallen asleep outside the door waiting for Eiri to go to bed. Eiri had been kind enough to carry him to their bedroom or at least cover him with a blanket every time. There were good times when Eiri was kind. It may have been because there was no one around to catch him in the midst of a nice act, but Shuichi remembered every occasion, even if he was half asleep.
Shuichi stopped outside the door and placed a hand on the knob, tempted to go inside and look around one last time at all the articles tacked up on the wall, and have one last sit in the little stool beside Eiri's computer desk that had been his spot for so many nights when he would stay up late to keep Eiri company while Eiri finished his manuscripts before, or sometimes after, the deadlines.
**"Why are you still here?" Eiri asked the sleepy boy sitting at his side. "You're about to fall asleep any second. Go to bed, Shuichi."
Shuichi yawned. "But, I don't want to leave you here to work by yourself. It's so lonely in this room." Before he could utter another word, his body grew heavy and he laid his head down on the desk so that sleep may overtake him.
Eiri stopped his typing and looked at the sleeping boy. "Baka. You'll catch a cold sleeping like this." He whispered softly, in one of his rare gentle moments that he would only display when he thought no one would find out that this side of him existed. With a sign, he shut off the computer and nudged Shuichi awake. "You win this time. We'll go to sleep now."**
Stopping himself, Shuichi pulled back his hand and continued onwards. It was better to let the happy memories rest undisturbed in that study, so that there may be happy memories left in this apartment, untouched by the nightmares of that horrible event.
Once in the bedroom, Shuichi went straight to the closet and grabbed his suitcase along with any possessions he had in there and around the room. Lastly, all he had left to get was his pillow.
Picking up the fluffy soft pillow, Shuichi spotted a few hairs on it left from the last time he had slept in the apartment, but not all the hairs were his. Mixed in with the bright pink hairs, were a few light blond hairs. The colour of Eiri's hair. They would never share this bed again.
**The latest manuscript was finally finished, and this time, Eiri had actually made the deadline. It was almost four A.M., time to go to bed. He put his glasses down on the computer desk and headed to the bedroom.
Bending over Shuichi's side of the bed, Eiri looked at the gentle sleeping face of his lover. Running a few fingers through the soft pink hair, he placed a small kiss on Shuichi's forehead before straightening himself to go wash up, a soft smile playing on his lips. A smile that Shuichi surely would have missed had he not been awakened when Eiri kissed him on the head. Good thing Eiri left his glasses by his computer and did not notice in the dark room that Shuichi's eyes were opened just a crack.**
Shuichi smiled sadly to himself and placed the pillow back down in it's place on the bed. Perhaps this room could use a few good memories too. The pillow looked better when it was besides Eiri's anyway.
Shuichi closed his suitcase with a click and turned to leave. The room looked almost empty without his belongings scattered all over. At least Eiri will have his clean bedroom back.
Ready to leave for the last time, Shuichi took a deep breath and walked out of the bedroom that he had lived in ever since he had first forced himself into Eiri's life, shutting the door behind him. He knew that he would never see that room again.
Now that Shuichi was back at the front door, he suddenly felt an ache in his chest. The apartment held so many good memories for him and even though he knew he had no choice, he didn't want to leave anymore. One more quick glance around would be okay.
Shuichi put down his suitcase in front of the door and turned to take one last look around the place where he had spent some of the best time in his life. It was the only time he had been truly free to express himself, and do what he liked, as long as it didn't involve getting in Eiri's way.
The living room came into view. That long sofa that he had slept in many times.
**It was Shuichi's first night over at Eiri's apartment. Happy that the author had allowed him to stay, he happily slept on the couch, unaware of the figure standing in the doorway.
Eiri shivered slightly. The air conditioning was turned up way too high, but he didn't want to turn it down. He liked the cold. The idiot, however, would probably catch a cold.
Grabbing a spare blanket from the linen closet, Eiri quietly approached the pink headed singer and gently placed the blanket over his body.
Shuichi instantly grabbed the blanket and snuggled into the warmth that it brought. "Thanks Yuki." He murmured, barely awake. "I knew you cared."**
The little ashtray on the side table where Eiri would chain smoke as he talked to Shuichi. The television that Eiri and Shuichi had watched Bad Luck's performances and Eiri's interviews on together. The coffee table that Eiri had berated Shuichi so often about because Shuichi forgot to use a coaster for his mug.
His mug. Shuichi had forgotten all about it. It was probably in the kitchen on the drying rack waiting to be put away or to be used. How could he have forgotten to get his mug?
Sighing at his faltering memory, Shuichi went to the kitchen to retrieve his favourite mug that he had brought from his parents' house. He walked right past the puddle of dried blood on the floor, the guilty knife still lying where he had dropped it days ago. He did not want to acknowledge it. All he had remembered were happy memories and he didn't want some stupid knife to ruin that for him.
The mug was not on the drying rack where Shuichi had thought it was. Instead, it was sitting besides the coffeemaker. Maybe he could stay just long enough to make some coffee for himself. After all, he had barely gotten any sleep in the last few days and crying for hours did not exactly make him feel fully functional.
While waiting for the fresh pot of coffee to brew, Shuichi decided to dig into the last remains of his junk food stash in the cupboards. Reaching far behind the packages of instant noodles and boxes of cereal and crackers, he pulled out the last box of chocolate Pocky.
Just as Shuichi finished the box of Pocky, the coffee finished brewing. Grabbing the pot, he poured himself a full mug of the deep brown liquid. He blew gently across the top of the mug and took a big gulp. It tasted horrible, but he needed the caffeine and since the milk and cream had probably gone bad by now, he took it black.
Shuichi smiled as he felt the warm drink swirl around his stomach, warming him up. He was so content with having the caffeine in his system that he missed the click as the front door opened and shut.
The intruder crept towards the kitchen, drawn by the smell of the coffee. Upon entering the room, he gasped. "Shuichi?" he croaked, voice barely audible. Confident that he was not hallucinating, he approached the man standing in front of the coffeemaker. "Shuichi." He called out again, loud enough to be heard clearly as he reached a hand towards the pink head.
Shuichi jerked around, surprised that someone had snuck up on him. His eyes widened as he recognized the man approaching him as his former lover.
Mistaking the fatigue in Eiri's eyes as a mad gleam, Shuichi screamed and brought his arms up to protect himself, the mostly full mug of hot coffee in his hand forgotten.
A few drops of the brown drink landed on Eiri's outstretched hands, as he reached for Shuichi. Not understanding why the man he loves was so scared of him, Eiri stopped and slowly backed away as his tears began to flow again. "Please don't hurt me again." He begged, clutching at his stinging hand, completely out of character for the man he once was.
Once at the doorway of the kitchen, Eiri turned and rushed out of the apartment.
Shuichi stood frozen for a moment as what happened settled in. Slowly, his knees gave out and he slid onto the tiled kitchen floor. This was too much for him to bear. Out of tears, he wrapped his arms around his head as he curled into a ball against the counter and heaved dry sobs that shook his entire body. The once strong and stoic man he loved had turned tail and ran away from him. If Eiri could not keep his composure together, how could anyone expect Shuichi to be?
As the singer wallowed in the painful atmosphere Eiri's sudden appearance had created, he realized that the ache in his chest was renewed heart break. Even after all he went through, he could not forget about what he and Eiri shared. He could never forget and he would always need Eiri. Without Eiri, there was no life to him.
The puddle of spilt coffee reached the dried blood and swirled as it mixed with the deep red stain. The blood seemed to come alive again, as if it had just flowed out of a freshly reopened wound.
TBC