International Call
Sequel to 'Wrong Number'
こくさいでんわ
Disclaimer: These characters portrayed here belong to Takehito Koyasu ©, Murakami Maki ©, Walt Disney © and Squaresoft Ltd. ©. The fanfiction belongs to me. XD Stealing is prohibited.
Warning: Yaoi, weirdness. If that's not your cup of tea, please don't proceed. Oh, and poking fun at world leaders. I'm actually poking fun at my own country's president and warhead. Deal! XD horrible chibi deaths alert!
Plot Cockroach: So, it's finally come to this. If I'm lucky enough, it might just become a short series. Man, this is getting weird. Anyway, this idea popped up when I thought that it was actually a better idea to have ruled both Kingdom Hearts AND the Heartless, since I had so much power, but heck, I couldn't do it, because that blasted story line won't let me! Sephiroth and Riku instigate Ran, Farfarello, and Schuldig to take over the world, while Brad and Yohji have a royal battle under Omi's window. If things can't get worse, Jack Skellington thinks that 'Scary Movie' is the best horror movie in the world and therefore tries to make moves on… Shuichi! Yuki gets mad and… ARGH! Let's just read to find out!
Pairing (if that's all you're here for): Ran x Ken, Yohji x Omi x Crawford, Farfarello x Nagi x Schuldig, Yuki x Shuichi x J. Skellington, the four special people (mystery pairing)
Note: Characters look like that from the manga! As for those love songs, you do NOT want to know how I came up with them…
_________________
A week had passed.
A week of never-ending nerve-straining, neck breaking, hectic verbal abuse, so he might admit. Fujimiya Aya had a good screw or two loose. He knew as much.
So, Peter Pan and Captain Hook weren't the worst of consciences around. Now that Sephiroth had gotten rid of his pink adversary, he was constantly depriving Aya of his sanity by suggesting the best thing in the world next to money - world domination. HOO HAA HA HAH included.
Aya rubbed his eyes sleepily. Ever since he'd admitted his like… uh, love to Ken, things have been flowing smoothly, business had improved, missions were a breeze, and the weather twinkled under the sun. Summer had never been better in his life. The only problem he had was the fact that he was the only one in the vicinity who could see a miniature silver-headed General bent on world domination and international Mako treatments constantly by his side, on the counter, or even in the shower. Heck, he would have squished Sephiroth too if the idea of world domination wasn't such a good one.
"If you took over the world, you can make Takatori's life hell, or worse than that," Sephiroth had said.
Now, if there was one thing Aya loved more than Ken or money, it was making Takatori suffer… a lot. Horribly, too.
And so Fujimiya Aya had agreed with a 'hn' of approval. Besides, Sephiroth was a natural born tormentor. He'd know how to make Takatori's life a wormhole, if that were the last thing he'd know. In short, he was probably the best evil conscience to bother anyone, save for Windy's miniature evil Seifer.
Hey, you win some; you lose some.
At least he got Windy to write this. And Windy's still sane.
Ahyuk.
Anyway, Aya had agreed to dominate the world with Sephiroth as his counselor. Okay, so Sephiroth wanted to rule the world too, but since he's a conscience, it was enough and satisfactory just for him to watch people suffer. Yeah, maybe a Meteor or two might be really cool, but hey, if you can't get something, you can always settle for second best.
One bad conscience can't do everything on his own, can he?
"Well, Ran," Sephiroth had piped up one morning after a shower; "It's time we got some professional backup and support."
"Such as…?" Aya lifted a brow. Sephiroth wanted help?
"Strange as it may seem, yes," the General smirked. "And I have a good candidate… or three. Now, if you will, let's leave this premise with your beloved, shall we, and follow my directions?"
"Hn. Why not?"
Ken looked up from his task, watering some freesias, at his redheaded sweetheart. "Where are we going, Aya?"
"To rule the world! HOO HAA HA HAH!"
Ken's eyes went wide. That wasn't his sweetheart's voice! He narrowed his eyes and peered at Aya's shoulder. "Sephiroth?"
"The one and only, exclusively yours, Sephiroth," the General smirked, mock bowing. "I'm his evil conscience, Mr. Hidaka, or should I say, Kennery-Kenny-Candy-Poo?"
Ken threw back his head and laughed. "You got me there!" he turned to Aya. "Hey, looks like you weren't hallucinating after all! So, what's up?"
"We want to take over the world," Aya's tone was gentle, like he was whispering sweet nothings into the air. Ken shivered.
"Really? How?"
Aya blinked. "You mean to say you don't mind?"
"Nope, not really," Ken smiled. "So, what do we do?"
"We leave the premise temporarily. Don't worry about money. I've just mugged an old lady and I'm back with more than a million dollars," Sephiroth replied casually. The two humans turned to him.
"You what?"
"How could you?"
Sephiroth frowned. "She had blue hair and she was related to Takatori, who loves her. Anyone like that are considered old, stupid, and lame. So I mugged her. Then, I made some German hunk shoot her guts out. It was cool. You should've seen it."
Aya and Ken nodded in approval. Anyone Takatori loved was bound to be dead anyway, so…
"What about Omi and Yohji?" Ken asked.
"They'll live," Sephiroth stated, playing absently with a toothpick. "Now, let's go. Pack if you want to, but hurry up!"
____________________
"Ja, and doesn't anyone else want it?"
"Yes," a miniature boy with shoulder-length silver hair swung his feet idly. "But it's a good deal, at least for us. Besides, if you took over the world, you could easily buy Nagi a zillion things. I bet he'd like a villa by the Caribbean."
Farfarello glanced up. "I'd buy Nagi a computer. He's always looking at them."
Schuldig blinked. "You can hear him?"
"Eavesdropping hurts god."
"I mean, you can hear my conscience?" Schuldig asked, wide-eyed. "I didn't even connect anyone mentally… How…?"
"Farfarello is a special guy," the silver-haired boy laughed. "Oh, Farfarello! World domination makes god cry!"
"I can hear him," the Irishman grinned maniacally. "Just planning it already makes him cry."
"Right, and what do we do about it?"
"We take over the world!" the single blood-red eye gleamed with glee. Schuldig snorted.
"That's easier said than done, mein idiots," the German blond pointed out. "Taking over the world needs money. And lots of it."
"Oh, I mugged that dead brat and made off with more than a million illegal dollars," he smirked.
"But I thought some other weird little guy made off with it."
"Sephiroth? He took half. I took this other half. Cool, huh?"
"That's good," Schuldig nodded, smirking. "Too bad someone had to die for it!"
"Dead girls hurt god!" Farfarello agreed. Just two weeks ago Riku had stuffed Rinoa, the good conscience into a matchbox and starved and suffocated her to death. Actually, she could have gotten out, but her brains weren't in the best order anywhere in the world. Then he made Schuldig dump the remains into the toilet and flushed her down, singing,
"She's so lucky, she's a witch, but she dried up badly in a matchbox, thinking, if there's nothing missing in her mind, then how did she get into this mess?"
They'd saluted and strode off to the bar, lamenting her death with smirks.
You do not want to mess with Riku. You really don't.
I tell you, if there was one thing worse than hell, it's messing with Riku.
He's the evil conscience extraordinaire.
"So, what's the plan?"
"Let's leave this house for some time. I've got some real help and backup in line. Follow my directions, and we'll get there in no time. Pack if you wish, but hurry up!"
_____________________
"Where are we headed, Sephiroth?" Ken asked.
"Well, alleys are where dealings are done best, so we're headed to one," the conscience replied calmly, playing with one of Aya's momiages. "It won't be long now!"
"Who exactly are these people anyway?" Aya questioned seriously. Sephiroth smirked.
"You'll know when you get there. But I think you already know Riku. He's gotten rid of Rinoa, so our mission will be easy and not that irritating."
"Good."
"Okay, stop right here." They came to a halt. By a wall, they could make up figures of people. Aya's eyes narrowed into slits as he whipped his Katana out quickly, while Ken posed with his bugnuks, ready to strike. And no wonder.
"Schwarz!"
"These guys are our partners?" Schuldig glared at Riku. The evil conscience laughed.
"Yes."
"They're skilled enough to help," Farfarello digested the information quickly. "And partners in crime hurt god."
"They're helping us?"
"Yeah, we're collaborating," Sephiroth smirked and waved at the small youth by the German's side. Riku waved back, smirking in an eerily similar way as Sephiroth. "Right, let's get a move on!"
The plan was simple. They were to move into one of Takatori's hotel rooms temporarily and make a trunk call to USA from there, so that the United States' direct target of war would be Takatori's hotel were their plan to backfire, which, according to Riku, had a 0.0001% of happening.
"But one room for four guys?" Schuldig interjected. "What if those two lovebirds want to make out?"
"We'll watch," Farfarello suggested. His explanation? "Watching red-kitty and brown-kitty make out hurts god."
"NO." Both Ken and Aya disagreed.
"Alright then, two rooms," Sephiroth sighed.
"With two beds in each," Schuldig demanded. He was not sleeping with his rival!
"Fine," Riku noted it down. "Lavish rooms, king sized beds, room service -"
"No, nobody should come in and find out about our plans," Aya interrupted. There was a murmur of agreement. Riku nodded and crossed the two words out, replacing it with 'dinner in posh restaurant'.
"Right, lavish rooms, king sized beds, dinner in posh restaurant, tabloid in the morning, bathtubs, for a week, discounts included, hmm, about 1 704 085 yen in all."
"Remarkably cheap," Ken pointed out. For living like a king, that is. "But what if we run out of money?"
"We'll just mug an old man."
"What?"
"No!"
"You can't do that!"
"Mugging old people hurts god."
"Hey, c'mon, we're evil consciences, if you've already forgotten that," Riku pointed out. "Besides, that blue haired bimbo isn't the only person related to Takatori. You HAVE heard of Masafumi Takatori, haven't you?"
"That guy who keeps those screaming beauties?"
"Exactly," Sephiroth replied smoothly. "And he's loaded too. He's just like a nanny. And his weapons are blunt objects, so it'll be easy."
"Right."
"So let's get a move on and book those rooms," Riku said hurriedly. "There's a place called Reiji Era. It's huge and far away from our bases (that's the Koneko and Schwarz residence)."
"We're walking?" Ken asked, wide eyed.
"Yeah, I guess so," Sephiroth replied with a sigh. The six people trudged on, with the exception of Sephiroth and Riku, who floated along.
___________________
It was nightfall. Omi had been informed of Aya and Ken's departure to 'somewhere peaceful', and that they wouldn't be home for 'a week or two'. Somehow he wished he'd joined them, but he hadn't asked.
It was killing him, this love triangle thing he was experiencing. He hated it.
Of all the people, why Oracle-kun? Why Yohji-kun? Why couldn't it have been Takehito-kun? Or maybe even Orlando Bloom-kun? Why, oh, why, those two?
Omi sighed and leaned against his bedroom window, opening it, the summer breeze fanning into his hair. The brunet half-smiled to himself, rather dreamily as he imagined himself to be some peasant who was picked up by an oh-so-dashing knight with a storybook name like Clarence… or maybe even Chris, Ian-Hoe, or some romantic, faraway gaijin name from long ago. Save the fact that Clarence might be a little shorter than he was and was probably masochistic and liked getting dumped, but hey, beggars can't be choosers, you know what I mean?
Besides, if he refused Clarence, there might be a chance that he'd be the first victim to die in an embarrassing, horrible death in some horror fanfiction this guy had been tempted to write, called… um, what was that again? The Attack of the Killer Blender? The Evil Iron Strikes Back? Silence of the Scanners? Fridge Raider?
You'd never know.
Anyway, Omi dreamt on, smiling at the nighttime sky. It was beautiful; the stars sprinkled the inky blackness with light, the moon swam in the sky, and the clouds gently floated by, scarce as they were. It was silent, save for the sounds of the city, now slowed down, as everyone was home and relaxing, as he was.
Ah, silence, punctuated only by the serenade of the purring engines of cars, laughter of schoolgirls returning home and the weird, hair-raising sound of a man singing a love song to serenade him…
Wait a minute.
Love song? Serenade?
Omi braved himself to look down, and groaned. It was Yohji-kun!
"Your hair ~ Is sweet and dark like chocolate dip! Your eyes, so blue so deep ~!
So clear, like Margarita in a glass, your clothes are worn with so much class ~!
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah ~! Bay-beh!
I love you, my chibi ~! In your hands my heart should be ~!"
Omi rolled his eyes and stifled a scream. But before he could find his tongue and spit out suitable retorts, he was jolted to his senses to yet another voice, singing in a different tune.
"Angels bloom in summertime, The songs they sing in rhyme ~
Gentle hearts are wrought in crystalline, Fair hands softly hold mine ~
April showers spring in May, When fair words from thou cometh forth that way ~
Omi, sweet Bombay ~
Only thou couldst make my day!"
Omi stared at the two for a moment. He looked from Yohji-kun to Oracle-kun. And screamed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
The window slammed shut.
Yohji turned to Oracle, his green eyes flashing furiously. "YOU!"
"Me?"
"Yes, you! Snobbish son of a -beep-!"
"Me? What about me, you lanky wire-thin -beep-?"
"Your no good, stupid -beep- song scared the heck out of my Omi, you lousy -beep-!"
"No, it did not, you impudent foulmouthed lanky retard of a -beep-!"
"Did too, you arrogant -beep-!"
"Did not, you immoral -beep-!"
"-Beep- you!"
"No, -beep- you!"
"-Beep, beep, beep-!"
"What? -Beep, beep, beep, beep-!"
"Oh, yeah? -Bee--"
"Oh, cut it out already!" Omi flung the door open, armed with a tranquilizer gun. "EAT THIS!"
Bang! Bang!
Flop! Flop!
Omi huffed and walked back in, slamming the door and leaving the two men lying out cold on the sidewalk.
____________________
"Whoa! Look at the size of this place!" Ken exclaimed, his eyes shining. "It's beautiful!"
"Hn," Aya tested out the bed. Soft and fluffy. Good. It was just the way he liked it. "Let's plan now, in Schuldig's room."
They walked over to the next room. It too, was lavish. Sephiroth and Riku were sitting by the lamp, Riku swinging idly from the string used to turn it on. The light flickered on and off, and Farfarello grinned. "Hurting people's eyes makes god sad."
"My point exactly," Riku smirked.
"It scares me on how these two can get along so well," Schuldig whispered to Ken, who nodded. Aya lifted a blow at the two chuckling people, namely Riku and Farfarello, before taking a seat next to Sephiroth on the bed.
"So, how does the plan commence?"
"I've discussed this with Riku already," Sephiroth said. Riku stopped swinging and the light stayed on, no longer flickering, a sign of seriousness. "We're going to call George Walker Bush at eight in the morning, Tokyo time. It'll be kind of like nightfall in America then. That's the best time, because that's when Mr. Bush is busy… with something."
He paused dramatically. The rest leaned in to listen to the last of his speech.
"HOO HAA HA HAH!"
And they toppled to the ground. Except Riku, but he'd already expected that.
"What? That's it?" Schuldig got up, rubbing his head.
"Wait till you see this…"
___________________
"Argh!" George Walker Bush suddenly slumped forward, clutching his toe.
"What is it, Georgie dear?" a voice came from the bathroom, muffled. There was a droning sound of an electric shaver coming from yonder.
"Oh, it's nothing. My big toe hurts, that's all…" he replied. "It means something bad is going to happen. Probably my wife going out shopping and getting a ticket, or something like that."
"Oh, really?" the figure stepped out of the bathroom.
__________________
"Oh… holy…"
"…I can't believe it…"
"What the…?"
"That makes god moan in pain!"
"Hmm, heh, heh, heh ha ha ha hahahahahahaa!" the four men rolled helplessly on the floor.
"Heh ha, ha… No kidding!" Schuldig held his sides. "Are you sure this thing isn't doctored?"
"No," Riku smirked. "Why should it be?"
"Because… because… pfft hahahahahahaa!"
"Well, it's authentic," Sephiroth said, grinning sinisterly. "No one can call it a fake, or prove it fake, because it's NOT!"
"And that… Hn, heh, heh, heh, is your… p… plan?" Aya asked, nursing a stitch.
"Yes," both consciences answered simultaneously, lifting their pinky fingers to the sides of their mouths. "HOO HAA HA HAH! HOO HAA HAAA HA HAH!"
___________________
"Oh, my…" George walker Bush leaned against the headboard of his large bed. "You look fantastic!"
"Really?" a voice giggled.
"C' here, Ossie!"
"Eek, he, he, he!" Osama bin Laden in a mini see-through nightgown jumped into the bed into George Bush's arms.
"Hey!"
The two stopped dead. "You guys are finally here."
"Yeah, mind if we join in?" Saddam Hussein and Collin Powell both smirked in unison.
___________________
"You seriously think this'll work?" Ken pondered. "I mean… we're using love here. Aren't they in love?"
"Are they?" Sephiroth lifted a brow. "Doesn't it make things more interesting?"
"Telling on foursomes make god cry," Farfarello reasoned. "They can't be in love. Only threesomes can be in love, like Nagi loves me and Schuldig."
"Nagi likes the two of you?" Aya asked, despite himself.
"Ja, mein Gott, and that chibi is a piece of candy," Schuldig replied tiredly. "I can read his mind sometimes, when he's deeply asleep, and he likes us both so much, he doesn't want to choose either. Instead of following his own liking, and keeping us round his little finger, he centered his attentions to Crawford and told us that he liked Crawford, and that we shouldn't fight. But he doesn't like Crawford."
"Sounds really nice," Ken remarked. "He'd be good for Omi."
"What?" Schuldig and Farfarello both towered over him.
"Uh… nothing." Then his eyes went wide. "Say, do you guys hear something?"
"No."
"BOO!"
"AAAAAAAHHH!" Everyone ducked for cover. That voice was spooky!
"Hah, worked!" an ugly figure with stick-like arms and legs and body with a hideous large head grinned. He looked like a ghost, and, although small, he was frightening. Ken whimpered. "I'm Ken's bad conscience, Jack Skellington!"
"And I'm your good one," a cheerful voice piped up next to Ken. He turned and saw, to his delight, a small, cute Shuichi floating just by his shoulder. "I'm Shindou Shuichi, genki conscience extraordinaire!"
Jack stared at Shuichi in wonder through his socket-holes for eyes. "You're a boy-conscience, aren't you?"
"Uh… yeah," Shuichi answered, shivering.
"Do you like… scary movies?" Jack asked, creeping closer. Shuichi shrunk back and hid himself in Ken's hair.
"…No…"
"'Scary Movie' is a great show," Jack grinned in a creepy fashion. "Have you watched it?"
"Yeah," Shuichi replied, his eyes shining, temporarily forgetting his fear. "Yuki and I watched it and we laughed together!"
That's exactly what he'd wanted to hear. Jack grinned. "Heh, heh… YOU'RE MINE, SHINDOU!" he flew towards Ken in is bid to catch hold of the pink-headed singer. Jack was so ugly and with something horrifying flying towards him, Ken just had to scream and duck. So did Shuichi. He closed his eyes, but Jack's hands never landed on him.
Slowly, he opened his eyes.
"YUKI!"
A small Yuki was holding on to one of Jack's coattails and pinning him down. The blender Farfarello had brought with him was whirring, apparently switched on by Yuki. He floated to the top of the blender with Jack and held him down. "EAT BLENDER BLADES, SKELLINGTON!"
"Aaaaaaagh!"
Whir! Squish!
Yuki looked up from his handiwork and shifted his glasses smoothly. There was nothing left in the blender but pumpkin juice and bits of black cloth, which was slowly disappearing into thin air. Shuichi floated to Yuki and hung on him. Everyone else applauded.
"Yuki!"
"Shuichi!"
"Yuki!"
"Let's go home, Shuichi," Yuki finally said. Then, Shuichi waved at the others as Yuki smirked at them, warping away. Ken's eyes watered.
"They're so meant for each other!" he sniffed. Aya pulled him closer. Schuldig and Farfarello both sat in thoughtful silence. They missed Nagi, they missed seeing him turn away momentarily from the computer and smiling faintly at them, seeing him deep in thought and silently pondering his tasks, hearing his voice as he briefed them on things like missions, or sometimes, when they were lucky enough, he laughed for them.
Nagi wouldn't like anyone who was cruel enough to tear true love apart, even between leaders such as George Bush, Osama bin Laden, Collin Powell and Saddam Hussein. They might be planning to destroy their nations and make people suffer, but it would be less then just to destroy something they all shared. And Schuldig and Farfarello both loved Nagi too much to upset him. Even Farfarello was willing to pull back his explanations on the foursome theory.
Sephiroth and Riku sighed.
"I guess you guys won't want to take over the world after all…"
"Hn," Aya said, resting his chin on Ken's hair. "Maybe not."
"We should go back and check on our chibi," Schuldig replied.
"Sorry, but hurting god falls second to Nagi," Farfarello explained.
"I just… want to go home and make sure things are alright," Ken finally said. Sephiroth and Riku both nodded.
"Well, your loss, our gain," Riku smirked. He fingered the money. "It's a good thing we didn't pay in advance."
"Yeah. Thanks, Sephiroth, Riku," Ken said. "We're sorry."
"It's alright," Sephiroth smirked. "Sora wouldn't be too happy if we made anyone take over the world either."
The two consciences disappeared. Sighing, the four men stood and got ready to leave. Ken snuggled next to Aya. "I remember the answer I got when I answered a few questions in Omi's game.
You're afraid to grow old.
You want to see rare sights.
The most important thing to you is friendship.
Your journey begins at dawn. As long as the sun still shines, your journey shall be a pleasant one."
Aya offered the brunet one of his rare smiles. Outside the window, the traces of summer were slowly fading, but he knew that love would keep the sun shining still. All it took to destroy that love was a simple international call from a hotel to the States, but so far, no one else knew. Perhaps the sun would stop shining today, or tomorrow, or maybe, perhaps, it never will.
~*~*~ End ~*~*~
Note: Screw me for not finding a funny ending for a weird piece like this! Sorry for the spoiler, but seriously, I chose that. And that was the answer I got… or something like that. Sorry, my memory fails me. If anything, I hated fighting Riku most.
Anyway, I'm so sorry for this lame piece. I've got nothing against Bush or Powell, but I think they seriously need to get laid, at least with their 'enemies' :D Thanks for reading!