-PART THREE- (Christmas 2000)

They all should have seen Josh spiraling out of control. They all, actually, did see it but did not admit it to themselves or others.

"Sirens," Toby had said to her. "He meant to say 'bagpipes' and he said 'sirens'."

CJ was confused.

They had both just been witness to a disturbing outburst. Josh had yelled at everyone within earshot to keep the noise down. He compared the volume level to that at a hockey came then slammed his door hard enough to make the windows in the bullpen rattle.

"He was bitching about the bagpipes in the lobby. He's bitched about every group I've brought in so far. I didn't think anything about it other than it was Josh being, well, you know, Josh," Toby's words came forth rapidly and in hushed tones. They were standing in busy, public area and he didn't want to be overheard, "He was bitching about the bagpipes, but said 'I can hear the sirens all over the building'"

"Do you think it has something to do with the Robert Cano thing?" she asked, "he's been harassing me about why there was no more information about the pilot. He went on for twenty minutes yesterday about he and Cano having the same birthday."

This was clearly uncomfortable territory for both of them. CJ knew Toby well and he was, emotionally, a closed book. He dealt with the emotions of others even more ineptly than he disclosed his own. For him to be discussing this with CJ was significant.

"I'm sure it does. He's, I don't know... taking it...badly. The guy, you know... killed himself." Toby was vague with his language.

CJ suggested they go to her office to continue the conversation. Her experience as press secretary had, perhaps, made her paranoid. The last thing she wanted, however,  was for someone to overhear this conversation.  She wasn't as concerned about the news getting to the press but, rather, Josh overhearing gossip that she and Toby had been having this conversation about him. It would only result in Josh shutting them out and making it more difficult for them to help him.

As soon as the door to CJ's office closed, Toby started in, "I don't think it's just the pilot. I think it's something more."

The discussion was uncomfortable and felt to both of them as if they were betraying Josh in some way. It had to be talked about, though. Toby talked about the night he sat throughout the nightmares with him in the hospital. He commented about how Josh obsessed over news stories of the shooting. CJ acknowledged that she had noticed that, too. She commented on how he had casual deflected her questions about stories regarding the psychological aftermath. They spoke of how, suddenly, Josh seemed to be prone to anger without provocation. He was a passionate man, but his passionate outbursts had previously came with good reasons. In their discussion, they agreed that a disturbing pattern of behavior was apparent.

The decided, with much debate and hesitation, that it was time take the news to Leo. When they arrived, they were surprised to see Donna in the chief of staff's office. Apparently, after his outburst short while ago, she had decided unilaterally to go over Josh's head and speak directly to his boss. She was sitting on the couch in Leo's office looking like the polar opposite of strength that she had portrayed throughout Josh's entire period of recovery. She looked small and fearful and much the same way she did the night of the shooting. If there was something truly wrong with Josh, it might endanger his entire career. It must have felt like an incredible breach of trust for her to come to Leo.

After hearing the concerns from Toby and CJ, as well as what Donna had told him, Leo said, simply, that he'd take care of it. Toby questioned him as to what "taking care of it" meant. Leo told him not to worry about it and he reiterated that he would take care of it. CJ, Toby and Donna left his office trusting Leo, but not feeling terribly reassured.

Then came the twentieth. In the few days since CJ and Toby had talked to Leo about their concern for Josh, his behavior had remained erratic. They trusted Leo, though. He had a plan. It was that day that Sam had confided in CJ and Toby about the meeting in the oval office. He describe how Josh had, for lack of a better phrase, lost it. He told them how Josh had blown up at the president. When Sam had confronted CJ and Toby, he voiced his concern as if it would be news to them. He expected that  they would be shocked at Sam's revelation. They weren't, to Sam's surprise. CJ explained to Sam how they had already seen Leo about it.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Sam said, sounding hurt.

"We should have," said Toby. It was an unexpected statement of contrition coming from the communications director. They should have included Sam. Sam had known Josh longer then anyone and it was wrong to exclude him. Sam, thankfully, graciously accepted the apology.

- - - - -

The Yoyo Ma performance had been spectacular, but Toby had paid little attention to it. As soon as it was over, he went in search of Josh. Toby had noticed how Josh had behaved and it troubled him greatly. During the cocktail reception afterward, Toby scanned the crowd, but could not find him.

"Toby!" Sam called his name and made his way through the crowd to where Toby stood.

"Hey," asked Toby, "Have you seen Josh?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing," said Sam. Sam had been sitting directly behind the deputy chief-of-staff during the concert and couldn't help noticing how uncomfortable he was.

"Call him." commanded Toby. And he walked into the crowd, in search of Josh.

The phone rang three times before Josh answered.

"Hey, we were looking for you," Sam said.

"I'm in my car."

"Did you leave the party?" asked Sam, ineptly.

"Sam, I'm in my car. What do you think?" answered Josh. There was an air of annoyance to his voice.

"Why'd you leave?" asked Sam.

"I'm tired. I wanted to get some sleep." he replied

There was a moment of dead air while Sam thought of something to say.

"You okay?" It was all Sam could come up with. He didn't know how to interrogate his friend. 'm a lawyer, for God's sake. I should be able to do better than this!

"Yeah. I'm just tired."

"You... um..." Sam struggled with his words, "We... I noticed that you were... uncomfortable... during the performance tonight."

Again, there was dead air.

"Yeah," said Josh. "I think I had a bad appetizer or something."

"Josh..."

"Sam, really. I'm fine. It's... I'm.... I'm just tired and want to go to sleep."

Sam wanted more than this but couldn't bring himself to say it. Why is this so hard? he thought. He wanted to trust Josh. Josh wouldn't lie to him.

"Okay," Sam finally answered. "Call me if you need anything." That was lame thought Sam.

"Yeah. Okay." Josh discarded Sam's offer. Sam knows  Josh felt weak and ashamed and angry all at once. He hated feeling like this.

When Josh arrived at work the next day with a bandaged hand, all his closest associates were alarmed. He blamed it on a broken glass. His story seemed immediately practiced and rehearsed. By the end of the day, his response to those who asked was starting to become quite defensive. His story about the broken glass seemed plausible under normal circumstances, however, nothing felt like normal. Leo created an  diversionary assignment that kept Josh out of the office for an hour and called Toby, Sam, CJ and Donna to his office.

"I don't want any of you guys hounding Josh about whatever it is he did to himself, okay?"

They all agreed, without asking why.

"Yesterday, I called in a guy from the American Trauma Victims Association. He's going to sit with him and try to figure out what's going on."

"Do you think that's necessary?" inquired Sam. Right way he knew it was a ridiculous question. Josh needed help and they all knew it. Josh needed the type of help that none of them could provide

"Yeah, Sam," responded Leo. "This guys a professional. He knows what he's doing. He'll help him." 'Cause we sure as hell can't seem to   Leo wanted to add.

Leo expected more questions or argument from his staff there was none. It was very uncharacteristic for them to be so quiet but this was uncharted territory and they were allowing Leo to lead the way.

"I talked with the guy yesterday. He seems okay. He told me that we shouldn't pressure Josh too much right now. Don't push him. Just watch and make sure he doesn't... you know..."

No one questioned Leo about what he meant.

"This guys, Stanley, is going to be flying in this afternoon. He's gonna want to spend some time with each of you before he sits down with Josh."

They all looked at each other. Everyone was uncomfortable with the suggestion. Finally, it was Donna who asked Leo why that was necessary.

"Because he needs to get an idea from us about what Josh has been doing. What's different. What his behavior's been like...stuff like that."

"I'm sorry, Leo, but can I ask..." she interrupted Leo, very tentatively.

"Of course," Leo answered.

"But..." she hesitated, "Does the President know?"

"Yeah, he knows. I told him." answered Leo.

She asked, "Is... Leo...," she had a difficult time answering the question.

"It's okay. Donna. This isn't business. What is it?" Leo's tone had taken a very compassionate tone.

"Is Josh's job in jeopardy?" The question was not surprising coming from Donna. It wasn't a case of Donna asking because she was worried that if Josh lost his job, she would loose hers, too. She had reverted back to her protector persona that she had assumed for those months while he was recovering. She was only concerned with Josh and his future.

Leo gave her an answer that left no room for ambiguity. He annunciated every syllable clearly and with conviction, "Absolutely not."

The meetings with Stanley, from ATVA, took place the next day. It was a low key affair with each staffer slipping out for a couple hours as to not raise suspicion. Josh knew he was going to be sitting with an ATVA rep, but he did not know how involved his friends were. Had he known they would be sitting with Stanley as well, his reaction would not have been good. Even were Josh completely healthy, he most likely would not have taken kindly to people sitting in a room with a stranger discussing him. Nobody took comfort in speaking to Stanley, but they did it anyway.

In the three days after the Christmas Party and before he met with Stanley, Josh had become exceedingly withdrawn. CJ had brought this up with Stanley when she met with him. Stanley explained that this was perfectly normal behavior. He explained that before Leo had informed Josh that he would be meeting with someone from ATVA, Josh had not been aware of his own  behavior. Once his actions had been brought to his attention, however, he had become withdrawn in an attempt to control himself.  Stanley said that it could be a dangerous and stressful time because Josh now felt he had to monitor himself very carefully. It was easier to stay away then try to measure every interaction he had. This brought CJ no comfort. Afterward, she found herself watching him even more closely.

Josh finally met with Stanley. It was surprising that their meeting lasted eight full hours. The only person who saw Josh during the meeting was Donna. She would bring in coffee or water and ordered them lunch when they were ready for it. She talked to Josh as she always had and kept the worry out of her voice. Josh spoke back to her, but it was in short, clipped sentence and would not make eye contact at all. She took none of it personally, though. She couldn't imagine how uncomfortable must have been for him to find himself in this position. She knew he was full of self recrimination. She wanted so badly to tell him that the way he was feeling was not his fault. She wanted to tell him they were all there to support him.

Though Sam, CJ and Toby all wanted to wait for Josh to get done with his session, Leo ordered them to go home. They argued, but he was firm. He didn't want Josh to be overwhelmed by their attention, no matter how well intentioned it was. He told him it was just going to be himself and Donna. They conceded and saw no unfairness that Donna was staying. They all understood her role in Josh's recovery and how naturally she fell into it. It was her place to take care of Josh tonight just had she had in the months before.

Josh was surprised to see that Leo had waited for him. He was unaware of the depth of concern his fellow staffers had for him. He now knew that it was common knowledge among the senior staff that he had been having difficulties but he did not know how involved they were. That was their dynamic. That is how they operated. Josh, nonetheless, was touched that Leo waited and by the words he spoke to him. Donna was there, too, but he instinctively knew she would be. She led him off to the hospital against his protestations.