--PART FOUR-- (Winter/Spring 2001)

For the next three months, Leo had insisted on asking Josh how he was doing every day. If it was a weekend day and Josh didn't need to come into the office, Leo would still call him at home and ask. It was a code between them. "How are you doing" was not the casual greeting between two friends. When Leo asked him, he was inquiring directly as to his recovery. Leo insisted on Josh's compete honesty. Only once did Josh breech that trust. He had shown up one morning in late January completely exhausted. He yawned his way through the staff meeting and when it was over, Leo had called him into his office.

"How are you doing?" Asked Leo.

Josh knew the routine and answered, "I'm good."

Leo didn't buy it, "You were nodding off in the oval office."

"No, really. I just didn't sleep well last night."

"Josh..."

"Leo, really."

"Joshua," Leo never addressed him by his full name. Josh suddenly felt as if he were a kid lying to an angry parent who saw through his deception.

"Leo... I... I..." He hated talking about this.

"Did you have an episode?" Leo asked in his typical no nonsense way.

Josh hated admitting this, especially from a man whose respect he so deeply treasured. He relented, "Yeah... sirens," one hand fluttered up towards the ceiling.

"Did you get any sleep last night?"

"No"

"Go Home." Ordered Leo.

"Leo, c'mon," whined Josh, "I've worked without sleep before."

"I don't care, go home."

"Leo, I have work to do." Josh wasn't giving up that easily.

"Did you not hear me just say 'I don't care'?" Leo shot back, firmly. "I'll see it's farmed out. Get your stuff, go home. Get some sleep and I'll see you tomorrow. Don't make me call Donna in here."

Josh and Leo both laughed. They knew who the boss of Josh really was.

 "Yeah, Okay." Josh finally relented. He went home and slept peacefully the rest of the day.

The change in Josh wasn't miraculous or immediate. He struggled at first but performed his duties with his usual passion and enthusiasm. He felt as if he was coming out of a tunnel that he didn't realize that he had entered in the first place. Stanley had said that he had been "locked into damage control". That was a correct assessment. Stanley had, as he promised, recommended a therapist who Josh saw regularly for the first few months after his initial diagnosis. He had seen therapists in the past, but it had always been more an exercise that cleared his head and made him feel unburdened. Seeing a therapist for a actual, diagnosed affliction was an entirely different matter.

At first, Josh was unforthcoming during his sessions, though he tried not to be. He hated having a label and talking about the shooting. He eventually opened up and the therapist taught him techniques for dealing with the panic caused by an episode. He also helped Josh understand that he had other triggers. The sound of sirens, flashing lights, loud noises were among the things that could start an attack. It was difficult because he didn't know these things were triggers until something would happen that would initiate an episode.

Loud noises were a trigger he discovered very unexpectedly. He and Sam had gone to see matinee on a Sunday afternoon and the theatre's sound system was set to a completely unreasonable volume. One of the previews was for an upcoming action film and the level of chaotic noise was too much for Josh. When Sam realized that Josh was distressed, he escorted him, without a word, out of the theatre and into the restroom to allow him to have some privacy until the episode passed. When Josh emerged from the restroom he was somewhat pale, but he'd regained his composure. "You okay?" was all that Sam asked. Josh nodded affirmative and Sam gave him a quick pat on the shoulder. Sam then suggested they go get coffee in stead. They sat in an empty coffee house for two hours talking about trivialities and listening to a jazz trio practicing on a small stage near the back. Sam, mercifully, never questioned Josh about the attack that he had just witnessed.

Josh never told Sam how much it meant to him that he was there that afternoon. It was the purest act of friendship he could have wished for.  Sam never attempted to force Josh to talk about the episode. Josh was surprised at how appropriately Sam had handled the attack. Josh had no doubt that his friend had probably scoured the world wide web to educate himself about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in the days after he learned of the Josh's diagnosis. Josh knew that that was the geeky way Sam would have deal with it.

Months passed and everything was returning to normal for Josh. Leo stopped asking how he was doing every day and the rest of the staff no longer tread so softly around him. Josh never found out about the depth and breadth of concern that his friends felt towards him during the previous holiday but he appreciated it. He did not ask them and they did not speak of it to him or to each other. During a therapy session late in February, Josh and his doctor discussed at length weather or not he, at any point, had truly suicidal, as Stanley had suggested.  They discussed the pain and the frustration and the helplessness he had experienced. Josh admitted that he desperately wanted an escape, but didn't think he was looking for death. He admitted that every day during that time period was unbearable. He said, however, that he never truly considered taking his own life. His therapist, after long consideration, agreed. It was this acknowledgement that made Josh feel he had truly becoming whole again.