-Part Four (February 2003)

"Hi, Margaret. Is he in there?" CJ just told Josh the news about the Carl Leroy interview and now she had come to tell Leo, too.

"Yes. Go ahead in."

CJ poked her head around the door, "Leo?"

"Hey, CJ. What's up?" he asked.

CJ stood in front of his desk an spoke, "20/20 has an interview with Carl Leroy."

"When will it air?" he asked the typical no-nonsense manner the entire staff had come to expect.

"Tomorrow night," she confirmed.

"Okay. Have you told the president yet?"

"No. I just got the news a little while ago. ABC just sealed the interview. They'll start running promos during primetime tonight" explained CJ

"Okay." Leo took the news in stride, "It's not like we didn't expect it. I mean, he had a right to talk if he wants to."

"Yeah," she wanted to make a snide comment on repealing the first amendment, but there was no humor in it. "First interview, though. Who knows what he'll say."

"Nothing like stirring up demons, huh?" remarked Leo.

"Speaking of demons…" started CJ, tentatively.

Leo knew where this conversation was going. Everyone working in the west wing was scarred in some way by Roslyn. Two of their family had more than just metaphorical scars. "Yeah?" he prompted CJ to continue.

"I told Josh about it."

"You told Josh first?" Leo wasn't offended at all by the fact that she had told his deputy the news before she had told him or the president. He was just curious about her motivation.

"Yeah. I wanted to make sure he didn't pick it up through the rumor mill, you know?"

"How'd he take it?" he inquired with genuine concern.

"He took it well," she answered. "Really well, I guess."

"Yeah?" His questioning answer suggested Leo wanted more information.

"I don't know…I don't know what I expected. I might as well have told him water is wet. He said 'Okay' and went back to work." there was the slightest hint of concern in her voice.

"I'll stop by his office. Get a feel for what he thinks about it." reassured Leo.

"And the president?" asked CJ.

"I'll mention it to him." he said. "he'll,  you know,  bluster about wanting to repeal the first amendment," CJ chuckled at hearing the comment she had just repressed come from Leo, "but he'll be fine with it."

"Thanks, Leo." she said and walked out of his office.

As she walked down the corridors to her own office, a thought occurred to her. She loved these people she worked with as if they were family. She would, literally, do anything for them. Through the first campaign, through that trying first year, then Roslyn. Through Leo's rehab disclosure. Through Mrs. Landingham's death, the MS disclosure right through to  the 2nd campaign and election - the bond between the staff - especially the senior staff - was often times more profound than family. She had never before, and surely never again, be part of a dynamic like she was now a part.

However, for the all the closeness - for the ability they all had to guess each others moves - finish each other's sentences - predict each other's reactions - there was something missing. A big, gapping vacuum when it came to expressing those most basic and important of human emotions. Sure, there were outburst of anger on several levels every day. There was much laughter and companionship, too. Why, for the love of God, could they not communicate those things that were most important? Why could she not walk into Josh's office and simply say, "Josh, I am concerned how this interview will affect you. I am concerned and I love you and I don't want to see this hurt you?" Was it professionalism twisted into some perverted form? Would it be a distraction? Would it somehow undermine the greater mission they were trying to accomplish?

She knew that whatever it was that kept them all in some form of emotional lock-down stemmed from the same primordial place that had sent her wandering alone through the streets of New York last spring after Simon was shot instead of seeking out the comfort of her brothers.

CJ found herself in her office without realizing it. The thoughts that walked with her from Leo's office were more than she anticipated and cast a somberness on an otherwise uneventful afternoon. She wished Sam were here. Sam was Josh's best friend. She missed him so much. Some days it felt as they were pulling a Radio Flyer with a missing wheel. That was something else they never talked about. Josh was exceedingly proud of what Sam was trying to accomplish in California, but he still missed him. She missed Sam's poetic righteousness about the way he thought the world should be. Toby… Toby might as well had one of his limbs removed. He was more hurt by Sam's absence then he would ever admit to another living soul - even himself. In the very back, subconscious recess of her mind CJ hoped he'd loose the runoff election and come home. If he were here, he could talk to Josh.  He had the sensitivity and insight and history and would talk to Josh if she asked him.

She picked up the phone and dialed. Two rings, three, four… finally, a familiar was on the other end of the line.

The sound of his voice mustered all the cheer she needed, "Hey, Spanky! It's CJ…"