CHAPTER SEVEN: NIGHTMARES
Later that evening, Buffy found herself lying in Giles' arms, finally feeling happy about being back. She and Erika had spent the better part of the day exchanging Slayer stories, and had spent the evening patrolling, Buffy showing Erika some of the hot spots of Sunnydale.
Even though Erika was a little reluctant at first, the girl could fight. Buffy found herself stepping back and just watching, and even though Erika wasn't anywhere near as experienced as Buffy was, there was definitely a lot of potential there.
Giles had been pleased to find out that Buffy had managed to persuade Erika to join her for patrol. He hadn't been entirely surprised to hear of the younger girls reluctance to get back into slaying, but it was nice that she had accepted her duty, albeit reluctantly.
He'd been a little shocked to find out that Ryan and Erika had been engaged when he had been killed. The Council hadn't mentioned him being turned either. The entire concept was one that had shaken him a little.
"I can't blame her for not wanting to get back into slaying. I mean…if you were turned and I had to kill you…I don't know if I could," Buffy said sadly.
Giles gave her a small squeeze, hugging her tightly.
They were laying on her bed in each others arms. It was nice to just be able to curl up with one another and not feel any pressure from either side. They hadn't discussed sleeping with one another, but they had silently agreed to take things slowly.
"Buffy, you know you could. You'd do what you had to do," he said gently.
She sighed and leant closer to him. "I know. I just…if I had to…do that," Buffy said, not even able to say the words, "I think I'd probably end up going nuts."
"The demon and the person are two very different things," he said quietly.
"I know. I do. But…do you think you could stake me if I were turned?" she asked.
She felt him tense in her arms, the very thought of it obviously scaring him.
He paused and finally whispered his answer. "No," he admitted.
She snuggled further into him. "No more depressing thoughts, kay?"
He smiled and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. "Okay."
She smiled and closed her eyes, her mind beginning to shut down and sleep.
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Buffy shut up in bed, screaming "No!" loudly, startling Giles who lay next to her.
His arms quickly went around her, his gentle voice trying to sooth her. Without thought, she tried to break away from him, but he was holding onto her too tightly. She struggled, her mind not even connecting that it was her Watcher who held her.
"It's okay, Buffy, it's okay," he whispered, rubbing her back softly. "It was just a nightmare."
Her mind suddenly clicked over and she realised who it was that was holding her. She relaxed against him, tears running down her face.
"I'm sorry," she whispered again and again. "I'm so sorry."
He hushed her quietly as she collapsed in his arms.
"It's alright luv. You're alright. You're here, nothing can hurt you," he whispered.
Giles was completely shaken. Buffy had mentioned her nightmares to him, but it had been extremely casual. She hadn't said that she woke up from them in tears, completely disorientated. It was frightening to see her so terrified and trying to get away.
"I didn't want to be here," he heard her choke out through her tears.
He felt himself tense at her words. They didn't seem to make much sense to him, except that she didn't want to be here. Here in his bed, here in his arms? Where was here?
He loosened his grip on her, but she didn't let go. He relaxed a little, glad that she wasn't pulling away from him.
"Didn't want to be where Buffy?" he asked.
She sniffled and buried her face in his chest. "I didn't want to come back."
He carefully tilted her chin so she was looking up at him. "What do you mean?"
She swallowed nervously and knew that she couldn't withhold this information any longer. It was killing her to lie to him, to lie to all of them, but the truth was going to hurt them far too much. Especially Giles.
"Promise me something?" she whispered.
He nodded and gently touched her face.
"Anything," he replied.
"Don't tell anyone what I'm about to tell you," she said.
He hesitated but finally nodded, seeing that the only way he was going to hear what she had to say was if he never told the rest of the group. And somehow, he knew that she needed to get this off her chest.
"I promise."
She nodded, not needing him to say anymore than that.
She closed her eyes and looked down, not wanting him to see her begin to cry, even though he had seen her at her worst so many times in life. She just hated to be weak, even if it was in front of the man she trusted above all other people.
"I wasn't in hell," she whispered.
She felt Giles take a sharp breath, his breathing suddenly becoming erratic. She was afraid that he would pull away from her, but her statement made him hold on to her all the more tightly.
He pushed her back gently, trying to look into her eyes, but she wouldn't meet his gaze.
"Look at me," he said gently.
She shook her head, tears running down her face.
"Buffy, please?" he whispered, tears coming to his own eyes.
She sniffled again and slowly looked up at her Watcher.
His heart nearly broke at the sight of his crying Slayer. She was shaking, both from her nightmare and from fear of his reaction. She had known that lying to him wasn't the best of ideas, but she hadn't known how to tell him exactly what had happened.
But, being in his bed, and him living in her house, it wasn't easy for her to keep secrets from him, especially when she kept waking up screaming in the middle of the night.
"You could have told me you know," he whispered, trying not to accuse her.
She sniffled and accepted the tissue that he handed her.
"I know. And I'm sorry. I should have told you," she said tiredly.
It felt good to have it out in the open though. It felt good to know that he knew. That he could help her get through everything that she was trying to deal with. Even when he hadn't know he had been a great source of comfort for her.
"Why didn't you tell anyone?" he asked.
She shrugged a little and looked down. "Spike knew."
He tried not to be too hurt by that. Spike had been there when he hadn't been, and who was he to judge her for confiding in someone who at least knew what it was like to have to crawl out of their own coffin.
He pulled her closer to him, stroking her hair softly. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, his mouth close to her ear. His warm breath against her skin made her shiver a little.
"I should have been here. I should have stopped them," he whispered.
She shook her head and gave him a light kiss. She could taste his tears, just as she knew that he could taste hers. She sighed and leant her forehead against his.
"It wasn't your fault," she assured him. She gave him a small smile and breathed in shakily. "And it's not that horrible being back. Not anymore."
He smiled and gently tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Well, I'm glad to hear that."
She buried her head in his shoulder. "I can bear waking up if you're here next to me," she whispered.
He held her and lay them both back down gently. She nestled in closer to him, pulling the covers over them both, throwing her legs over his.
"I'll be here for as long as you need me," he replied softly.
She smiled and closed her eyes tiredly. "How about forever?"
He smiled at the thought. "I think that can be arranged."