Aragorn's Mental Diary

by cosmo-queen

The secret diary of everybody’s favourite King, where we find out what makes Aragorn tick, the last time he had a shower and the state of his mental health!!!

ARAGORN'S MENTAL DIARY by cosmo-queen

RATING: G

DISCLAIMER: Everything and anything Lord of the Rings related belongs to the biggest genius that ever lived, J.R.R Tolkien. Not me. (But you can't sue me for dreaming can you?) Perhaps one day I'll come up with a masterpiece of my own but for now, you'll have to make do with this :)

DISTRIBUTION: Please make sure you email me first otherwise I might cry :(

FEEDBACK: Be kind, be cruel, but make sure you review!!! Greatly appreciated!

SUMMARY: The secret diary of everybody's favourite King, where we find out what makes Aragorn tick, the last time he had a shower and the state of his mental health!!!

ARAGORN'S MENTAL DIARY

The Inn of The Prancing Pony

some day in September

I'm sitting in a corner of old Butterbur's Inn awaiting the arrival of four hobbits. It's dark, stuffy and I've got pins and needles. Excuse me while I stretch. Legs. Aaaahhh. Arms. Aaaahhh. Flex those muscles baby! I can see my reflection in somebody's glass. Who's a handsome devil, who? I can hear a voice. Me, me, me, me, me. I'm a handsome devil. Oh yes I am. Aw shucks, I think I've made a new friend. I never knew talking to your brain could be so exciting. Then again, hearing voices in your head isn't a very good sign. But this was a good voice. It was, damnit!

Oops, I think I said that last bit out loud. What are you looking at Butterbur? Honestly, the way he shrivels his nose at me whenever he walks past me, you'd think that I hadn't taken a shower in a couple of months. Hold on, when was the last time I took a shower? It's September now, hmm, let's see, May, April, March... It's besides the point! Handy hint number one Butterbur, don't ever shrivel your nose at royalty! I'm really starting to hate this guy. He's really beginning to irritate me with his continual pacing past my chair. Hasn't he got any manners? Back in the days when I was a boy, kings were treated with respect. What has happened to today's generation? They should be ashamed of themselves. Note to self: when you become king, create a manners school.

Handy hint number two, can you get some better chairs? No hold on. Make that better service. I mean I've been sitting here for the past four hours, staring at the wall, and no-one has even offered to buy me a drink. Me. Handsome devil. Future king. I see a nose being shrivelled. That's right Butterbur, me! For crying out loud, if you got something to say, then out with it! JUST SAY IT! Control yourself Aragorn. Remember all that hard work you put into your anger management classes. Just think of fluffy pink sheep and count from 1 to 10. 1..2..10 Yay, I made it. Does the fat idiot care? No, he keeps on shrivelling his nose at me.

Temptation rising to punch this guy. Fist shaking, nostrils flaring. ARAGORN, THAT'S ENOUGH! You have a reputation to think about. That's right, I can't go beating up bartenders. How pathetic would that be! I'm a king! Yeah, you're a king that no-one knows exists. You're just a Ranger to all these people. A dangerous guy who walks through the woods all day. Strider. Did I hear someone say Strider? Better not be those voices again. Strider. There it is again. No, it's definitely not in my head. That's a relief. Well, if it's not the voices, then who said my name? No Aragorn! Strider is not your name! Don't resort to calling yourself such lowly names. You got it! You're better than that! That's right. Ahhhh, I can always rely on my ego to give me a nice boost of self-esteem.

Hey, there's still that mystery of who said my name to solve. Wait, I hear the voice again! Hold on, it looks like it's coming from that wall I've been staring at for the past four hours. Walls can't talk Aragorn. And I thought your mental status was improving. I could swear it was the wall though. Perhaps you should try blinking your eyes. Now that I come to think of it, that's a good idea. I've been staring at that wall for the past four hours. I blink and turn my head slowly so as to avert suspicion and any weird looks. And in doing so, I see the answer to all my riddles. Four curly-haired heads.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my first attempt at LotR humour, and perhaps my last attempt. I know there are people out there who are way better at this style of writing than me and I know this probably sucked but I tried. And you can't flame me for trying, can you! Anyway, whether you liked it or hated it, please review and tell me what you think and whether this was actually even a tiny bit funny. It will help me a lot. Thanking you in advance...:Toodles! :)