CHAPTER FOURTEEN: WILLOW
Willow sat down on the bed, one she hadn't seen for the last two years. Her room in her parents house looked so unfamiliar, so childish, so…different from everything that was happening now. Flowers and paintings adorned the walls, mocking her, whispering that the girl she had once been had been destroyed all because of one spell gone wrong.
She wiped tears from her eyes and stared silently at a picture of herself, Buffy and Xander. She picked up the silver frame and stared at her two best friends, wondering what had happened. With a gentle finger, she traced the outline of Buffy's face, wishing that the smile that the photograph showed could once again happen for her friend.
Of course, after last night and the last few months, she knew that if ever the smile returned to Buffy, it wouldn't be because of Willow. The sad look of resignation on Buffy's face last night would probably be the only facial expression that Buffy would ever direct towards Willow ever again.
Not to mention Tara's look of horror and disgust. Willow wasn't sure which look had been worse.
She silently wondered whether anything would ever be the same for the Scooby Gang again. She figured that it wouldn't, and it was all her fault.
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Tara and Dawn sat on the couch in the Summers living rooms, oblivious as to what was actually on television. They were both worrying about Buffy and Willow, each of them wondering whether things between the two former best friends could ever be salvaged.
Dawn sighed and curled up in a ball, a habit she had picked up from Buffy. It was a comfortable position, and Dawn had found herself imitating it more and more since Buffy's death and consequent resurrection. Tara looked over to her young friend and gave a sad smile.
"You okay?" she asked quietly.
Dawn scrunched up her nose as she thought about the real answer to that question.
"Just worried I guess," she replied.
Tara nodded, understanding exactly how she felt. "Me too."
"What do you think is wrong with Buffy?" Dawn asked.
Tara just shook her head sadly. "I wish I knew Dawnie. I really wish I knew."
"Did…I mean…Willow didn't know right?" Dawn asked.
Tara looked up, tears in her eyes, and Dawn automatically knew the answer.
"She knew?" Dawn cried, outraged.
"She uh…she said that the risk was really little. She never even mentioned it to us," Tara said.
"You never mentioned it to me either," Dawn said, still a little bitter that she hadn't been included. It hadn't been easy to find her sister on top of the tower that she had thrown herself off, especially when Buffy had obviously been considering doing it again.
"I know," Tara said quietly. "We didn't…we didn't wanna get your hopes up…in case it didn't work."
Dawn sighed, her head understanding that the Gang had probably been better off without her knowing while her heart still ached to be part of the group.
"Yeah, I get it. Doesn't matter anyway. Buffy's back and…hopefully everything'll be okay."
Tara nodded comfortingly, though her eyes told of other stories. She wasn't so sure.
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Giles stopped the car in front of the small brick house and looked towards Buffy sympathetically.
"You don't have to do this right now you know," he said for the second time that day.
She nodded but pulled her resolve face.
"I know. But I'm going to."
He nodded and put a supportive hand on her shoulder.
"Do you want me to wait for you?"
"Nah. I'm good. Plus, walking might help a bit. Clear my head," she explained. "Maybe do a quick sweep when I'm done here."
"Alright. Well…you know where I'll be if you need me," he said.
She smiled and squeezed his hand, leaning over to gently kiss him. He smiled as she undid her seatbelt and got out of the car. She walked up the path, her steps not as confident as she wanted them to be. She breathed in deeply and rang the doorbell.
Giles waited, watching her as she shifted her weight nervously. The door opened and after a moment she was ushered inside.
With a sigh, Giles started the engine and drove home.
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Buffy knocked softly on the door, opening it before she even heard a reply.
Willow looked up, expecting her mom to be there. When she saw Buffy standing there, she stood up quickly, almost feeling the need to run past her friend and put as much distance between them as possible.
"Buffy," Willow said nervously.
Buffy gave a small smile and put her hands in her pockets to keep them from fidgeting.
"Hey Will," she replied.
There was an awkward silence between them for a moment, something that neither of them particularly enjoyed.
"Uh…do you uh…you wanna…sit?" Willow offered.
Buffy hesitated but finally nodded and sat on the edge of Willow's bed, Willow sitting in the other corner, as far away as she could without falling.
Buffy cleared her throat and tried to think of something that didn't sound either stupid or obvious.
"I guess you want an explanation," Willow said, looking up at her friend, but refusing to meet her eyes.
Buffy nodded and pulled Willow's pillow onto her lap, hugging it to her body, desperately wishing that Giles were here. But this was something that she need to do on her own.
"Yeah…that would be good."
"Okay," Willow whispered.
Silence descended once more. Buffy looked up at Willow, not particularly surprised by the tears that were running down her friends face.
"I made a mistake," Willow admitted.
Buffy nodded slowly wishing that they could just avoid the entire confrontation that was about to ensue. Willow stood up and began pacing, feeling the need to just walk.
"When you…when you died it was like…like everything suddenly stopped. Nothing…nothing really made sense anymore, y'know?" Willow said. "Everyone was…it was like our whole world had ended and…in a way, it had. Dawn was…god, she was a wreck. And Spike…I've never seen a vampire cry like that before. And Giles. I remember when Miss Calendar died, he went kinda quiet, but…he just went silent when you died. Everything was…it was bad Buffy. Like really bad. We've gotten through apocalypses and deaths before, but…no one saw it coming. We weren't ready to give you up. I don't really think any of us thought it was possible."
Willow swallowed hard and wiped the tears from her eyes. Buffy went to say something but Willow put up a hand to stop her. Once she was on a roll, she knew she had to keep going before she was too afraid to say anything else.
"I just kept thinking that…if I hadda been smarter or faster then…you wouldn't have had to have jumped."
Buffy looked up sharply. Spike had said almost the exact same thing to her. She had to wonder whether all of her friends had felt guilt about her death, even though there was nothing anyone could had done to have stopped it.
"Will, no," Buffy said, ignoring Willow's silent plea for her not to say anything. "It wasn't your fault. It happened and…and I would do it again in a heartbeat if I had to."
"But-"
"No buts," Buffy said firmly. "No one is to blame for what happened. I told that to Spike and I'll tell that to you. It wasn't your fault. And it wasn't Spike's fault or Dawn's fault or Giles' either."
Willow hesitated but finally nodded, knowing that the small Slayer was far more stubborn that Willow was and wouldn't back down from a fight.
"Anyway…after your funeral, things just kept getting worse. We couldn't even really tell anyone that you were gone, so…when people asked why we were all sad, we couldn't even tell them. We couldn't tell anyone what you'd done for the world cos…we didn't want Dawn to get taken away. And…we couldn't even get in contact with your dad. We tried once, but then…we decided to fix the robot."
"Spike's robot?" Buffy asked.
Willow nodded, wincing at the memories that created for Buffy.
"He was completely against it. Said it was dishonouring your memory. The only reason he agreed was because we told him that the only way Social Services would let Dawnie stay in Sunnydale was if you were her guardian. So…I fixed it. It was so hard…not…not fixing it, that was easy but…seeing you every day and…and not being able to talk to you. To know that it wasn't really you," Willow said, choking on her tears.
Buffy realised that she too had begun to cry and Willow handed her a tissue. She smiled gratefully as she took it from the still pacing red-head.
"About two weeks after, uh…I woke up from this horrible nightmare. You were…you were sitting in a dark room, just crying, and no matter what anyone tried, no one could reach you. And…I woke up screaming, shaking and…I knew that you were in trouble. And I had to get you out of there, so…I got the gang together and we spent the next four months researching spells to try and bring you back. And I finally found one, but…it said that there was a tiny risk that something would go wrong," Willow explained quietly.
Buffy nodded and stood up as Willow sat down, their positions changing.
"I uh…I don't know if something went…went wrong per say," Buffy started. "Uh…Giles took me on that uh…that spiritual quest thingy again. You remember that thing I did just after…after my mom died?"
Willow nodded and shifted her position on the bed, trying to get more comfortable.
"Anyway, the uh…the spirit guide told me that…I'm not a demon. I'm not evil. I'm…a warrior, but we already knew that," Buffy said.
"So why can Spike hit you?"
"I'm a warrior," Buffy replied. "More than human apparently."
Willow nodded, feeling a weight lift off her chest. Buffy hesitated a moment and then moved to the door.
"I just thought you should know. You did make a mistake…about a few things actually, but…I didn't come back wrong, so…we're okay on that one," Buffy said.
"And the rest?" Willow asked, her voice small, expecting the worst.
Buffy answered with a small smile. She opened the door and went into the corridor.
"We've still got some stuff to talk about but…now's really not the time," Buffy said.
She closed the door, not even waiting for Willow to respond. Without another word, Buffy let herself out of the house.