Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is copyright and trademarked by Gainax. All characters created by them are used here without permission, and for entertainment purposes only. I don't mean to infringe, only to entertain. Please don't sue my poor ass.
Neon Genesis Evangelion
Seraphim
by the Loneshark
Chapter 3: Kill the Retrospect
The central area of Tokyo 3 had been decimated in the final battles between the Angels and the
nascent members of Eva Team 01. Only the surrounding suburbs sheltered in the hills had avoided destruction. Still, anyone who hadn't left in those last days was considered crazy-brave or stubborn-foolish.
After Third Impact, the UN and the Japanese government worked with what many considered inhuman, or possibly just inhumane, speed and diligence to rebuild Tokyo 3, that it may once again be used as home and base of operations for NERV and the pilots of the Evangelion Units. The national debt caused by this was something that the politicians tried very hard to disguise. Production of Eva units for overseas operations were delayed or canceled altogether as funding went into rebuilding the wasted city.
Years ago, Shinji had stood up in that lookout in the hills, and watched the sun set on a fortress of science and light. The view during the day was no less grand, and the city was once again what it had been, but it just didn't seem as... alive. It never did. In the light of the sun, it was all hard, glittering steel. The sun reflected off the skyscrapers, giving the city a brilliant, diamond quality to it, seeming equally as bright and hard. The night seemed to soften it, make it a place that was more real and touchable than it could ever be in the daytime.
He came up here for many of the same reasons other people came up into the hills above the city: exercise, peace, clean air. At least, that's what anyone could assume. He stood on that patch of grass, and could see the city at night, no matter what time of day. It gave him a sense of peace, to know that the city was alive, that the people down there were alive, and living their own lives, and making them into what they chose. Nothing, not Instrumentality, or the Angels, or even God could take that away. It had simply never been something that could be taken.
It was never something that was missing. That's why it had failed, he decided. It had been negated when he'd discovered the truth.
The cell phone in his pocket rang. He didn't feel like answering, but knew that there were those who would be worried if he didn't. He answered it. "Yeah, it's Shinji."
"It's Misato. Where are you? I need you to get here right now."
"What is it? You sound worried?" Somehow, he'd been expecting this.
"We've found something coming towards Tokyo 3. It hasn't been identified yet, but we probably will before you get here." She hung up.
He went back to his car, and turned it towards NERV HQ. Some things were never over, could never be taken, and were never lost.
He just really hated it when he was right about the first.
***
When Shinji entered the Strategy Room, everyone except Rei was there.
"Have you seen Rei?" Misato immediately asked him.
He shook his head. "I haven't seen her since yesterday."
"She hasn't answered her phone. I've already sent someone to find her. Just get over here and I'll bring everyone up to speed. About an hour and a half ago we detected an object moving towards Tokyo 3. We can only get satellite photos, as any cameras we send out get scrambled." A screen showed an overhead view of Japan, then the region around Tokyo 3, then a vague, gray image moving in from the north.
"It's not moving very fast, but it still only gives us thirty minutes to deploy the Evas and our equipment. It has been identified as an Angel, but that's all we know."
"What? Why's that?"
Yoshi said, "Actually, that's what the Magi would like to know. Although they've identified it as an Angel, they also claim that it should not exist."
"Because they're all supposed to be dead," Asuka said.
"Yes. Part of the reason the Magi were created was to analyze the Angels and their purpose. Now they don't know what to think."
"Regardless," Misato said, "We will deploy the Evas and attack. We can't give you very much support, but we'll try. If we lose communication, Lieutenant Ikari will take command. Is that understood?"
They all answered, "Yes ma'am."
"All right, prepare to launch."
***
Rei Ayanami lay sprawled out on the floor of her apartment. She had been sleeping, she was sure. But how had she ended up here? She'd meant to go over to Shinji's place for breakfast, but between the bathroom and the front door, she'd stopped. She didn't know why. She didn't remember falling here. Had she cracked her head when she fell?
She didn't move. Time didn't move for her. She herself could not move, only watch the ceiling above her. She did not hear, nor felt, nor sensed anything that was associated with consciousness. She could only watch.
A shadow moved over her vision. The outline was blurred, and only looked vaguely human. She could not make out the face, and the figure had no substance. She stared at it as it stared at her, unfeeling and unmoving. Then it came into focus, growing closer to her. An unreal hand reached out and touched her face, gently caressing her.
"You don't have to be afraid," it said. "I don't want to harm you, Rei. I want to be with you. To be a part of you."
"You can't," she said without moving her lips. "Let me go. I don't want to be here."
"I can't. I did not bring you here. You brought yourself."
"That's a lie. Why would I want to come here again?" Where was here? Was she still in her apartment? No, it had changed. She was in that place where the Other had dwelt. Behind her eye, far in the back of her mind. She'd thought that she had escaped this place.
"You are the lie," she said. "You are the shadow of a lie, and you hate it. Be with me, be one with me, and you will be whole."
"But I won't be myself."
"And what are you? Do you now think yourself irreplaceable? That does not matter. Everything is irreplaceable because everything changes. Some part of you dies each day so that the new Self can be born. Death gives way to Birth. I do not fear death. You didn't either, once."
"I don't fear death. I am not the person I used to be. I live for my own dreams, not those of my creator."
"Your creator's purpose was flawed. So are you. So am I. We are only incomplete beings, shadows of what we could become. We can rise above our creators and create something new."
"At what cost? The loss of my Self? The loss of my identity? I won't let you take that from me again. I will not give that up again. I did not do it for him, and I will not do it for you."
"Then you will be forced."
The shadow was gone, replaced by a massive hand. It reached out for her. She tried to move, but couldn't. She wanted to get away, or fight back, or do anything but be taken. But her body was not her own.
Her Self was being stolen.
She awoke with a gasp, sweat pouring down her face. For a moment, all she could hear was the sound of her own heart beating in her ears. She breathed, trying to slow it down. How long had she been asleep? Someone was pounding at her front door, crying her name.
She threw herself out of bed, and answered the door. Kensuke was there, panting from all his shouting.
"Um, Kensuke? What are you doing here?"
"Rei? Where have you been?" He looked panicked.
She backed up a little, confused by his answer. "I've been asleep. Where else would I be?" She looked past him, and saw that there were no shadows being cast, as if it were already noon. "Um, what time is it?"
"It's noon. They've been trying to reach you all morning, but you didn't answer the phone. Misato asked me to come over before she had to send someone from Headquarters."
"What's going on?"
"Didn't you hear the sirens? There's another Angel! Come on, we don't have a lot of time!"
"But I-Whoa!" She cried out as he grabbed her wrist and led her to his car. If anyone else had been on the road, she would have feared for her life. Kensuke drove desperately toward NERV HQ, his little car tilting as it rounded corners. "Ken- Kensuke, slow down! What is this about? You said there was another Angel?"
"Yeah, they just spotted it this morning. Misato's been trying to call you. Why didn't you pick up the phone?"
"I... I was asleep." Had she?
"Until noon? Rei, you've got to stop letting Asuka goad you into those drinking contests."
"It wasn't that. I don't know why I was still asleep."
Kensuke finally noticed that she was still wearing her pajamas. Her hair was unwashed, and she was still wiping crust out of her eyes. She had been asleep when he got there! But, even with a hangover, Rei didn't normally sleep until noon. Sitting next to Rei in her underwear was suddenly making it more difficult to concentrate on the road.
"Um, are you... feeling okay? Shinji mentioned that you hadn't been sleeping well."
"It's... nothing you need to worry about. Let's just get there before the Angel does." She looked out the window, going silent. It usually meant that she was thinking about something, and wouldn't tell you until she was ready. All he could do was drive faster.
***
This felt familiar. They were set up in an ambush, waiting for the Angel to come near. The only place to hide an Eva was behind a large hill. Asuka was oddly silent. She kept her eyes open for any sign of it. The satellite photos could only give them a general location. When it came within sight, the real battle would begin. She'd nearly taken the last one down. She wasn't afraid of these things beating her, and she no longer feared anyone else beating her.
But why was her heart pounding like this? There was a feeling in her stomach... like a pit opening up and sucking down her gut. She clenched her teeth, and ignored it. It must be my damn period again, she decided.
"Where is the god damned thing?" She was getting impatient.
"Calm down, Asuka. I'm in no hurry for it to show up," Touji said.
"I want to get this over with," she growled. "You know I hate ambushes."
"That's because you're not patient enough for 'em."
"Look, you! I-"
Shinji cut her off. "How long are you two going to keep at this? You both know better than to fight while on a mission. So cut it out. Now."
She didn't know what she hated more. Waiting for an enemy that could possibly kill her, or her own boyfriend chewing her out.
"Misato." He opened a channel to HQ. "Is Rei there, yet?"
"Don't worry, we found her. She's getting ready, now. We'll have to air lift her if she's going to be any use."
"Understood. We'll need all the help we can get."
"It's coming your way. Fifteen seconds until the target is within firing range. Get ready."
The silence around them built up like a fog. All they could see of the enemy was a blip on a screen. Again, Asuka clenched her teeth. What the hell was wrong? All she had to do was provide cover fire while Shinji moved in. She didn't care about being back up. A long time ago, she'd learned to swallow her pride. Well, maybe it wasn't so long ago. But she didn't care about that, anymore. She wasn't afraid of dying. She'd have never let herself get close to Shinji if she was afraid.
So why did this feeling in her stomach feel so much like fear?
"Here it comes!" She looked up. "Asuka, go for it!"
Unit 02 rose up from its hiding place, and aimed for the hunched form floating in mid air. Its head jutted out from its body, which was more of a bulbous floating mass. Tentacles hung from its sides, big gray pseudopods almost as wide as an Eva. It had no legs, but only seemed to hang in the air.
Unit 02 aimed its rifle, and let loose. A couple of bullets made it through, but its AT Field quickly appeared. Its eyes swiveled atop the head, peering at her. It started to move when Unit 03 appeared, and fired its rocket launcher. Both Evas continued to fire. The Angel seemed momentarily confused, unable to resolve two simultaneous attackers.
"Unit 01, move in!" Shinji leapt out, expanding his AT Field as he charged the Angel. Their fields collided, warping the air around them. His knife flashed against the other field, trying to cut through. It couldn't hold, and the knife slipped through, and plunged into the Angel's flesh. It rushed forward, knocking over Unit 01.
"Shinji!" Asuka immediately rushed over, still firing her rifle at it. The bullets made it through again, tearing into the flesh. It turned, and a tentacle lashed out, slamming her back. Unit 01 rose again, slashing with its knife. The Angel backed away under the assault, its pseudopods flailing. It struck Unit 01 with them, but Shinji pressed his attack, and drove his knife between the monster's eyes. Its tentacles went rigid, and then hung limp. It fell to the ground in a sagging heap.
Units 01 and 02 slowly got back to their feet, their pilots gasping to catch their breath. Unit 03 slowly approached, keeping the launcher aimed at the fallen Angel. Touji and Shinji stood over it. It didn't even twitch. Asuka stood back, the pit in her stomach refusing to go away.
Touji poked it with his Evas foot. "Heh. That's it? It wasn't so tough."
"Misato, it's Shinji. The target has been-"
"Shinji!" Asuka saw the body move, and it was already too late. "Look out!" The whole thing shuddered, and then exploded outward in a mass of tentacles. Unit 01 was slammed back to the ground. They wrapped themselves around Unit 03's limbs and torso. Touji cried out. The Eva was lifted off its feet, and then slammed into the ground. Unit 01 sat up and pulled out its pistol, firing into the mass. A dead eye turned to him, and additional tentacles wrapped themselves around Unit 01's neck.
Asuka could hear Shinji. He was being strangled. His only voice was a croak. She rushed forward, firing at the Angel. The bullets didn't even seem to matter. They sank into the warped flesh, and were swallowed up. Its eyes looked towards her, but it did not act. She kept firing at its tentacles, trying to sever them.
Misato's voice came from somewhere, trying to contact them, but Asuka couldn't hear it. The radio signal from HQ was breaking down.
Shinji's voice was barely audible. "Asuka... stay back."
"No!" She drew her knife, and slashed at the tentacles. The Angel grew more, and bashed at her with them. Her Eva was knocked aside, skidding across the ground. A shock filled her head as she hit the ground. The hit was too hard. Her eyes were unfocused. She couldn't see the Angel. She could feel something wrapping around her Eva's ankle. "Get off of me, damn it!" She kicked, and the tentacle snaked up her leg, squeezing. She screamed reflexively.
Her knife was somewhere. She groped for it as she kicked. Touji managed to pull his pistol free, and was firing. The bullets did little more than swim through the hide. Asuka looked for her knife to try and fight back, pushing herself up off the ground.
Something again struck her head, and the world vanished. She could hear screaming. Was it her? She wanted to scream. She could only thrash blindly. Then her fingers closed around something sharp. It dug into her Eva's hand. She didn't let go. The pain was nothing, if it would let her save him. She slid her fingers along the blade until she found the hilt.
She whirled, and the blade sliced through the Angel's tentacle. It screamed, and reared back, momentarily loosing focus. Asuka lunged, stabbing the Angel's body before it could raise its field. She raised the knife, and stabbed again. She stabbed it until it would not dare to move, blood spurting from the bulbous flesh. She struck something vital-- the brain, core, whatever it may have been-- and the creature gave one final scream as brilliant light shone from its eyes, and it died.
She stood, and helped her companions. Shinji held his head. "Damn it, Asuka, I told you to stay back," he said in a groggy voice.
She smiled. "Then make it an order next time, you idiot."
"You could've gotten killed."
"You would have gotten killed if I wasn't here. You're totally useless without me. Now shut up and help me lift Touji."
***
Rei sat alone in Misato's office. Eva Unit 00 had never launched, as she had arrived too late to be of any use, and all communications with Eva Team 01 had failed due to internal malfunction. The on-site teams were already clearing the battlefield by the time a carrier was readied. She could barely look her friends in the face when they came back. She had wanted to be out there with them, to help them. But something else had other plans.
Misato walked in, and sat down in front of her. "Rei, I know you're upset." The young woman didn't look up. "I'm not going to bawl you out, so you can relax." She still didn't look up. Misato sighed. "Rei, this isn't like you, you're-"
"That's the problem." She stopped Misato dead. "I know that I'm behaving strangely. My dreams… seem to be more real. This morning, I dreamed I was awake. I didn't hear the phone, or the sirens. I'm sorry."
Misato waited, and then said, "Shinji told me about the dream you had before the Angels reappeared. Was it another dream like that?" Rei looked up at her. "Don't be mad at him. He's only worried. You know how he is."
"I know. You all worry about me. Because of what I..."
"Don't be stupid, Rei! We worry because you're our friend. You're one of my pilots. There will be hell to pay for anyone who tries to harm you." She was upset, but it was because she was genuinely worried about her.
Rei couldn't keep herself from smiling. "Thank you, Misato. But I... I don't know what this is, yet. It's something... something I tried to forget about. I thought it didn't matter anymore, because I... we thought it was gone."
"Does it have to do with your dream? The one about Kaoru?"
"It wasn't completely a dream. Before he died, Kaoru told me that I was like him. Part of me was an Angel, then."
"Rei, you-"
"No, Misato. It's the truth. You know why I was created. You remember it, don't you? From the Instrumentality? It was the whole reason Dr. Ikari created me. I knew it the whole time."
"But you're different, now."
"I know. That's because I thought Instrumentality had killed off that part of me that was not human. It gave me a chance to care if I lived or died. Shinji, and Asuka, and everyone else told me that I couldn't be replaced. Who I am... is who I chose to be."
"And what now? You think that's a lie?" Misato tried not to be angry, but she couldn't help herself.
"No," Rei said. Misato relaxed a little. "I know it's not a lie, but it's not entirely true, anymore." She stood to leave, her mind racing. There was something inside of her, something that responded to these thoughts. Maybe it could show her what to do. "Only one thing is certain for me right now, Commander. I am not a doll."
She closed the door quietly behind her. Misato sat back in her chair, her own mind busying itself. She'd hate to admit to Asuka that there might be something to what she'd said. Rei was the First Child, but she'd also been created, not born like the rest of them.
But did that make her any less human? She acted just like a human. She ate, breathed, walked, talked, and had human thoughts and feelings. The part of her that hadn't been human, that kept her in fear and seeking an end to a pointless existence, had died. Burned up.
And then they clamored around her, and became her friends. Not out of feelings of obligation or pity. It was almost reflexive. They'd all been together before the Impact, but never as close as they were now. It just seemed... right that they keep going this way. Even Asuka seemed to genuinely want this, which probably came as the biggest surprise.
A knock at her door awoke Misato from her thoughts. "Come in."
Osamu Kitari opened the door, smiling easily. "Good afternoon, Commander. I just wanted to congratulate you on the battle. Mind if I come in?"
She shook her head, and Kitari closed the door behind him. "Thanks. Things could've gone better, if our communications hadn't started cutting off. It probably wouldn't happen if we could upgrade and service the equipment while staying within budget."
He nodded, and sat down. "Yes, I remember seeing something slipped in with your budget request that seemed much like a debate on if the UN was withholding funding because they truly wished to see NERV rot, or just didn't care about the lives of the people you protect."
Misato shrugged shamelessly. "Just an honest question."
Kitari nodded. "I understand. Politicians are a tight-fisted bunch. I should know, being one. So have you discovered what the problem was, yet?"
"I have Dr. Iwano looking into it." She noticed Kitari raise an eyebrow. "He doesn't seem like the type to handle it, I know, but he's an intelligent man. There's little I don't trust him to handle."
Kitari smiled, "Well, I'm sure your judgment will prove itself." He glanced around the office, his gaze settling on a picture of Misato and the Evangelion pilots. "How is Miss Ayanami? She seemed troubled when she was walking away from your office."
"She's... just not feeling well. She's upset about not being there for the others."
"Yes, you all do seem to be very close. Has it always been this way?"
"Only since after the Impact. A lot has happened since then, but it'd take me all night to tell you about it." Misato studied the man for a moment. He wasn't unhandsome. He always seemed relaxed, even this afternoon, in the command center, when things were getting hectic; he kept a visage of calm. It didn't repel Misato, but it didn't attract her to him. He seemed more like a cat, watching things around him with an aloof curiosity. Even the way he sat on the couch now, in her office, reminded her of this.
And then there were his eyes. They were strange things, brown one minute, but in the right light they would suddenly flash with an excited golden light. They would never focus on one thing for very long, but when they did, he stared intently. She realized that he was staring at her now.
"Something the matter, Commander Katsuragi?"
She started. "Oh! No, sorry, just... a lot to think about. Um, just Misato, thanks."
He smiled, "Thank you, Misato." He stood, "Well, then, I guess I should-"
Misato's stomach growled. She stiffened with embarrassment. Osamu blinked, and then laughed.
Her face brightened. "Excuse me."
"No, it's quite all right. Tell you what, let me take you to dinner. Purely professional."
"Oh, no, I--"
"Please, think of it as a gift from the UN. I was getting hungry myself. Besides, I can write it off as a business expense." He smiled in a way that made it almost pitiable.
Her mind tried to find another way out of this. She was, unfortunately, out of practice, and other parts of her anatomy started to take over when she saw him smile. She tried to remind herself that she should be thinking about her job. She should be worrying about Rei.
"Sure. I just have some stuff to file through, first."
"Excellent! I'll just come back in... an hour?"
"Yeah, that'd be fine." The door opened.
Yoshi rushed in without knocking. "Commander! I'm glad I caught you, there's something that I really need to go over with you about Eva's..." His sentence died off when he registered the presence of Osamu Kitari. "Oh, I'm really sorry. I didn't know you were here. I'll just-"
"No, Yoshi, it's okay!" Misato almost jumped out of her chair. "Mr. Kitari and I were just about to get something to eat. Why don't you come with us? I mean, if you don't mind, Mr. Kitari?"
Yoshi recognized the undertones in her voice. He glanced to Osamu, who just smiled.
"Of course not. Please, call me Osamu. You too, Dr. Iwano. I'd be happy for you to join us. Perhaps you could explain to the Commander what's so important, eh?" He seemed genuine, and that only made Yoshi even more uncomfortable. He looked to Misato again. That look was in her face.
"Yeah," he relented. "I'd be glad to." Perfectly rehearsed lines, my boy. Your voice didn't shake at all.
"Then I'll see you both in an hour." Osamu turned with one last smile and wave, and walked out the door. Yoshi almost swore that the man slinked when he walked.
He turned back to Misato, who hung her head in shame.
"I'm sorry."
"I will be putting this in for overtime, you know?"
"Yes, I know."
Yoshi sighed, and turned to the door. "I guess I'd better go get ready. I'll just give you this report in the morning. It's not that important, all things considered."
"Thanks, Yoshi. You don't know how much I mean that."
"Oh no, Misato. I do." He closed the door, and went back to his own office. He was used to being trapped in this position. Every friend he'd ever had who was of the opposite sex did this to him on multiple occasions. He was resigned to the position in life of being the "safe guy." He'd seen that pleading message in Misato's face many times in the three years that he'd come to work at NERV. It said, "Please, good friend, I don't completely trust myself. Come along so I don't end up doing something that will give me cause to find the mouthwash in the morning? Pretty please?"
Of course, he knew that Misato was completely capable of taking care of herself. She could stand up to anything. She'd become a friend to him as soon as he'd started working here, and he recognized that strength in her right away. So why did she really want him to come along?
Damn it, she really needed to get laid again, didn't she? And she didn't want to cause an incident with the UN supervisor. Although it might help with attaining some much needed extra funding. Maybe if he just discreetly helped her to get some instead of staying sober...
No, Yoshi thought. She knew where he lived. She'd come after him for that. And this time the gun might not be loaded with blanks.
***
Later that night it had begun to rain again. Asuka stood outside on the balcony, watching the rainfall straight and hard on the city around them. The sound made it harder for her to think, which was good. The problem was that she had begun to think too much with her heart, and not her mind. The former was much harder to silence, because it could ignore many of the pressures that the mind endured. She only confused the problem further when she tried to put the concerns of her heart in to terms her mind could comprehend.
She wondered what the hell was wrong with her. Today's mission had been just like any other. They had an enemy; they attacked it. That the enemy was an Angel didn't change anything. This she could rationalize easily. But she had been so nervous today. It was silly. Worse, it was almost stupid.
She'd acted so irrationally, like she was a novice. She could have been killed. That didn't worry her, when she thought about it. She wasn't afraid of being beaten by an enemy, or by Rei, or Shinji. She knew that Touji would never beat her. The fear she'd had wasn't a fear of her own death or defeat.
She just didn't want to admit it to herself. She was being stubborn, as usual.
Now the rain was really starting to annoy her.
Shinji stood quietly behind her. It was a rare occasion for Asuka to be conscious and silent at the same time. Even when unconscious, she had a habit of talking in her sleep. These moments were the closest thing to serenity he could witness. He walked up beside her, and leaned on the railing.
"Now will you tell me what's bothering you?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"You've been like this for two days." She'd been worse since the battle. He sighed, and looked out at the rain and the night. "You're always so damn stubborn, and you try to hide what's bothering you. I really wish you'd just come out and tell me, sometimes."
"You want to know?" She looked at him. "You want to hear me say it?"
Shinji looked confused. He didn't understand why she was suddenly so angry. "Well, I, uh..."
"Because of you, all right! It's your fault that I'm pissed off! Because you had to go out there in front again. Because that Angel almost killed you today. All I could do was sit there and listen while you were dying. Why the hell do you think I didn't listen to you? You could have died!"
"Asuka, I--"
"What? You were just doing what you had to do? Damn you, Shinji, why can't you stop being so dense?" She faced him, and swung her fist into his chest. Then she fell against him. "You're such an idiot." He started to say something, but she put her hand over his mouth to stop him. "Say you're sorry, and I'll really hurt you."
He pulled her hand away, but held on to it. "So you were worried about me?"
"What the hell do you think? Of course I was, dumbkopf. Damn it, Shinji. You should know all of this by now. If you ever... I swear I'm going to..." She clenched her teeth, trying not to cry.
Shinji wrapped his arms around her. "I'm not going to let that happen. I promise."
"If you do, I'll make you regret it. You got that?"
"Do you always have to be such a pain?" He cried out as she kicked his foot. "All right, all right. I got it." They stood there, holding each other. Shinji looked out across the city. It reminded him of the last time they'd been like this. That had been only a couple of years ago. He'd almost forgotten when it was. It felt like they'd been together for a lot longer than two years.
He asked, "You remember the last time this happened, right? I can't remember how long ago it was."
"That's because you're dense." She sighed, finding comfort against the warmth of his body. "Yeah, I remember. It was two years ago. It'll be three years, next week."
***
Three years ago. It had been raining, just like this. They were still living with Misato, then. There was nothing much to do during those first months of NERV's reconstruction. The construction of new schools and residences in the suburbs had been much swifter, so they had no choice but to finish their education. Although Asuka complained the entire time that she'd already been through this.
She leaned on the railing of the balcony, watching the rain. The sky matched her mood: dark, brooding, and pissed off. It was better this way.
It wasn't any of her business what he was out doing. It couldn't possibly be that interesting, anyway. And the girl he was with was not near as pretty as Asuka was. It was pointless to even try and compare them. To hell with it, let the girl go out and be miserable and see how boring that idiot can be.
He was an idiot. She shouldn't even be thinking about him. He's boring, and stupid, and she's had to put up with him almost every day for the past two years. That's more time than she ever spent with her foster parents. She even stayed with him after the Impact. Only because without her he'd never get anything done.
So why the hell was she agonizing over this?
Why did seeing him go out with that other girl hurt her so much?
"God damn you, Shinji. You're such an idiot."
She didn't hear Shinji walk in. He kicked his shoes off, and went to the kitchen. It was a mess, as usual. Misato must have tried to make dinner. Pen Pen looked up at him, expectantly, nodding towards his empty dish. Then again, Misato must not have been home, yet. She'd never forget to feed him. Even Angels hadn't kept Pen Pen from getting his dinner. Shinji filled the penguin's dish, and poked his head into the living room. He saw Asuka standing out on the balcony. She watched the rain, silent and peaceful for once in her life.
Why the hell had he been so miserable tonight? The girl he'd gone out with was smart, and very pretty, but he just hadn't seemed very interested in the date. He hadn't been interested, honestly. Something kept nagging at him, some kind of guilt pulling at his chest. He realized that it was returning as he watched Asuka.
What the hell was he thinking? He was standing here, watching her, and feeling... pain? Over what? He was sure Asuka wouldn't care if he went out. She hadn't said anything before he left. And why the hell should he care if she had something to say about it? All she'd do was tell him what an idiot he was. Then he would retort with something, probably a crack about her period, and then they'd just argue.
And he'd actually wished that Asuka had been there, even if she was just going to argue with him. He wanted her to be there, arguing with him, rather than see her alone and brooding at home. Rather than being with some other girl.
He walked out onto the balcony, making enough noise for her to hear him. He leaned on the railing, and looked out at the rain. "Hey."
She didn't look up at him. She frowned at the night. "I didn't hear you come in. How was your date?"
"Pretty miserable." She looked at him, slightly shocked. "She was smart, pretty, and I was miserable and dull the whole time."
She looked at the rain. "Typical. I could have told you that was going to happen."
Shinji opened his mouth to say something, but the words stuck in his throat. What the hell was he doing? Something had almost slipped out that he wasn't sure he'd regret. Did he really want to say this? Blood rushed to his head, and he could feel his heart pounding. What the hell was going on? They always made this sort of thing seem easy in the movies.
But it wasn't. This was something even more frightening than an Angel.
Asuka looked at him out of the corner of her eye. Why didn't he say something? He just looked at her, his mouth gaping. What the hell was he thinking? Why didn't he just say something to her? Anything. Even if he told her that he hated her, it was better than this silence. At least she'd know he felt something.
Finally, Asuka tightened her fists, and growled. She turned on him. "Damn it, Shinji, will you say something?"
He snapped out of his daze. "I... Well what do you want me to say?"
"You're asking me? I thought you were telling me how miserable you were on your date. You think that's so damn important? I was sitting here miserable for your date because I knew how dull you were going to be."
He sighed, and looked at the rain. "Sorry. I didn't know."
She fumed. "Damn it, when are you going to stop apologizing? Why can't you just yell back at me? You're such an idiot, and you're dull, and stupid, and wouldn't even know what you wanted if it hit you!"
He stood straight, and looked at her. "I only apologized because I really did feel sorry for you. And what the hell do you have to be miserable about, anyway?"
"You want to know?"
"Yeah. Maybe it'll explain why you're being so mean and stubborn."
"Because of you, you idiot!" Her face started to turn red. She balled her hands into tight fists. "Because you apologize to me, and you ignore me when I yell at you, and I can never tell if you really care or not. Damn it, if you'd just tell me you hate me I could live with that. I hate you! You're stupid and a jerk and you're not the same boy I could yell at and I wish you would just hate me back!"
"I don't have a reason to hate you, Asuka."
"And why not? After everything I've said to you, why can't you just hate me back?"
"Because I love you, damn it, that's why!" He yelled at her, looking at her in anger. She raised a fist, readying to hit him. He stood straight, and stared at her, unmoving. Her eyes and face were red with anger.
Her fist dropped, and she fell against him, putting her face against his chest. Shinji froze for a moment from the shock of anger and love all going through the two of them at once. Then he hugged her to him.
She cried on his chest. "Damn it, I love you. Why did it have to be you? Why do I love you?" She almost laughed. It should be pathetic that she was crying over a silly, stupid boy. And now it didn't seem so pathetic anymore.
They held each other silently for what seemed to be forever. Finally, they went back inside, and sat on the couch. Asuka lied out across it, resting her head in his lap.
"Asuka, are you sure you want this?"
"What do you mean?"
"In the Impact, I... saw what happened to you. I saw you're mother, and you as a little girl. I remember what you said, about..."
She was silent for a while. "I know. I pushed you, and Rei, and even Misato away because I didn't want to be hurt. I acted childish because I didn't want to die because of someone else. I didn't want the Angels, or you, to beat me. I thought it meant no one would want me.
"But... something's different now. I hated seeing all of that. I hated having it all... exposed, ripped out of me, being forced to see it. Something's changed inside me, now. I realized that the problem was in me. I knew then that I didn't have to be afraid. I'd spent my whole life pushing people away because I didn't want to end up like my mother. That's why I wanted you to hate me back. I'm ashamed of how I was before. I don't want to go back to being afraid and angry at everything."
"I won't hurt you, Asuka. I swear I'd never do that."
"I know." She looked up at him. "You've changed too, you know?"
He nodded. "You saw me, too, right? You saw how deluded I was. I spent my whole life running because I didn't want to be hurt. I thought everyone left me, or hated me, because I was worthless. I thought piloting Eva was the only reason Misato or Touji or Kensuke were ever nice to me. Even though people were nice to me, I didn't believe it, because I couldn't believe in myself. The whole time it was just in my head."
"Mien Gott. We're pathetic."
Shinji quietly thought for a moment, and then said, "If we've really changed so much, then why did it take us so long just to get here?"
"Because you're dense."
He smiled. "Oh, right. I forgot."
When Misato came home that night, she found the two of them asleep on the couch, Asuka lying in Shinji's arms. She stared at them, not entirely surprised, but wondering what she'd missed. Wishing they'd just stop fighting, and then seeing them together like this was the kind of thing that made her want to do something drastic, just in case reality was falling apart again. Maybe she should take up heavy drinking again. Or become a nun. In the end, she put a blanket over them, and went to bed. She knew that the real crisis would start when they began having sex.
***
They lied in bed together, remembering that night. It was amazing, sometimes, that they were still in one piece, after everything they'd gone through. Theirs was a generation that was forced to grow up before its time. They'd faced something that few people in the past or in their future would ever really comprehend. They'd seen the truth of not the world, but the people in it. Their destiny was wholly in their own hands.
Shinji stared at the ceiling, while Asuka snored on his chest. It hadn't been easy. He had to fight for that truth, to discover it, to accept it, and to keep it.
Maybe that's why the Angels return was so terrifying. How many times would he have to fight to make his life his own? Why did they seem so intent on taking it away? Where they really servants of God, or had it just been a convenient label to give creatures that were beyond us?
He'd keep fighting. The girl lying beside him was motivation enough. He had to. For those he loved.
If God had decided that he did not want his children, then Shinji decided that he would make the bastard regret ever having them. Even if it meant facing God himself.
Compared to facing his deepest fears, it was nothing.
End Part 3
Author's Notes: In-freaking-tense, huh?! This has got to be one of the hardest things I've ever written. It's true, as well. Sometimes people don't know love until it literally slaps them in the face and calls them an idiot. Anyway, enough of my sentimental crap. I hope you loved reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Don't worry, I'll start straight away on Chapter 4. I just have to figure out what I'm going to call it. As usual, all C&C can be sent straight to loneshark707@hotmail.com, or just posted here on fanfiction.net. It sends me the reviews, anyway.
Neon Genesis Evangelion
Seraphim
by the Loneshark
Chapter 3: Kill the Retrospect
The central area of Tokyo 3 had been decimated in the final battles between the Angels and the
nascent members of Eva Team 01. Only the surrounding suburbs sheltered in the hills had avoided destruction. Still, anyone who hadn't left in those last days was considered crazy-brave or stubborn-foolish.
After Third Impact, the UN and the Japanese government worked with what many considered inhuman, or possibly just inhumane, speed and diligence to rebuild Tokyo 3, that it may once again be used as home and base of operations for NERV and the pilots of the Evangelion Units. The national debt caused by this was something that the politicians tried very hard to disguise. Production of Eva units for overseas operations were delayed or canceled altogether as funding went into rebuilding the wasted city.
Years ago, Shinji had stood up in that lookout in the hills, and watched the sun set on a fortress of science and light. The view during the day was no less grand, and the city was once again what it had been, but it just didn't seem as... alive. It never did. In the light of the sun, it was all hard, glittering steel. The sun reflected off the skyscrapers, giving the city a brilliant, diamond quality to it, seeming equally as bright and hard. The night seemed to soften it, make it a place that was more real and touchable than it could ever be in the daytime.
He came up here for many of the same reasons other people came up into the hills above the city: exercise, peace, clean air. At least, that's what anyone could assume. He stood on that patch of grass, and could see the city at night, no matter what time of day. It gave him a sense of peace, to know that the city was alive, that the people down there were alive, and living their own lives, and making them into what they chose. Nothing, not Instrumentality, or the Angels, or even God could take that away. It had simply never been something that could be taken.
It was never something that was missing. That's why it had failed, he decided. It had been negated when he'd discovered the truth.
The cell phone in his pocket rang. He didn't feel like answering, but knew that there were those who would be worried if he didn't. He answered it. "Yeah, it's Shinji."
"It's Misato. Where are you? I need you to get here right now."
"What is it? You sound worried?" Somehow, he'd been expecting this.
"We've found something coming towards Tokyo 3. It hasn't been identified yet, but we probably will before you get here." She hung up.
He went back to his car, and turned it towards NERV HQ. Some things were never over, could never be taken, and were never lost.
He just really hated it when he was right about the first.
***
When Shinji entered the Strategy Room, everyone except Rei was there.
"Have you seen Rei?" Misato immediately asked him.
He shook his head. "I haven't seen her since yesterday."
"She hasn't answered her phone. I've already sent someone to find her. Just get over here and I'll bring everyone up to speed. About an hour and a half ago we detected an object moving towards Tokyo 3. We can only get satellite photos, as any cameras we send out get scrambled." A screen showed an overhead view of Japan, then the region around Tokyo 3, then a vague, gray image moving in from the north.
"It's not moving very fast, but it still only gives us thirty minutes to deploy the Evas and our equipment. It has been identified as an Angel, but that's all we know."
"What? Why's that?"
Yoshi said, "Actually, that's what the Magi would like to know. Although they've identified it as an Angel, they also claim that it should not exist."
"Because they're all supposed to be dead," Asuka said.
"Yes. Part of the reason the Magi were created was to analyze the Angels and their purpose. Now they don't know what to think."
"Regardless," Misato said, "We will deploy the Evas and attack. We can't give you very much support, but we'll try. If we lose communication, Lieutenant Ikari will take command. Is that understood?"
They all answered, "Yes ma'am."
"All right, prepare to launch."
***
Rei Ayanami lay sprawled out on the floor of her apartment. She had been sleeping, she was sure. But how had she ended up here? She'd meant to go over to Shinji's place for breakfast, but between the bathroom and the front door, she'd stopped. She didn't know why. She didn't remember falling here. Had she cracked her head when she fell?
She didn't move. Time didn't move for her. She herself could not move, only watch the ceiling above her. She did not hear, nor felt, nor sensed anything that was associated with consciousness. She could only watch.
A shadow moved over her vision. The outline was blurred, and only looked vaguely human. She could not make out the face, and the figure had no substance. She stared at it as it stared at her, unfeeling and unmoving. Then it came into focus, growing closer to her. An unreal hand reached out and touched her face, gently caressing her.
"You don't have to be afraid," it said. "I don't want to harm you, Rei. I want to be with you. To be a part of you."
"You can't," she said without moving her lips. "Let me go. I don't want to be here."
"I can't. I did not bring you here. You brought yourself."
"That's a lie. Why would I want to come here again?" Where was here? Was she still in her apartment? No, it had changed. She was in that place where the Other had dwelt. Behind her eye, far in the back of her mind. She'd thought that she had escaped this place.
"You are the lie," she said. "You are the shadow of a lie, and you hate it. Be with me, be one with me, and you will be whole."
"But I won't be myself."
"And what are you? Do you now think yourself irreplaceable? That does not matter. Everything is irreplaceable because everything changes. Some part of you dies each day so that the new Self can be born. Death gives way to Birth. I do not fear death. You didn't either, once."
"I don't fear death. I am not the person I used to be. I live for my own dreams, not those of my creator."
"Your creator's purpose was flawed. So are you. So am I. We are only incomplete beings, shadows of what we could become. We can rise above our creators and create something new."
"At what cost? The loss of my Self? The loss of my identity? I won't let you take that from me again. I will not give that up again. I did not do it for him, and I will not do it for you."
"Then you will be forced."
The shadow was gone, replaced by a massive hand. It reached out for her. She tried to move, but couldn't. She wanted to get away, or fight back, or do anything but be taken. But her body was not her own.
Her Self was being stolen.
She awoke with a gasp, sweat pouring down her face. For a moment, all she could hear was the sound of her own heart beating in her ears. She breathed, trying to slow it down. How long had she been asleep? Someone was pounding at her front door, crying her name.
She threw herself out of bed, and answered the door. Kensuke was there, panting from all his shouting.
"Um, Kensuke? What are you doing here?"
"Rei? Where have you been?" He looked panicked.
She backed up a little, confused by his answer. "I've been asleep. Where else would I be?" She looked past him, and saw that there were no shadows being cast, as if it were already noon. "Um, what time is it?"
"It's noon. They've been trying to reach you all morning, but you didn't answer the phone. Misato asked me to come over before she had to send someone from Headquarters."
"What's going on?"
"Didn't you hear the sirens? There's another Angel! Come on, we don't have a lot of time!"
"But I-Whoa!" She cried out as he grabbed her wrist and led her to his car. If anyone else had been on the road, she would have feared for her life. Kensuke drove desperately toward NERV HQ, his little car tilting as it rounded corners. "Ken- Kensuke, slow down! What is this about? You said there was another Angel?"
"Yeah, they just spotted it this morning. Misato's been trying to call you. Why didn't you pick up the phone?"
"I... I was asleep." Had she?
"Until noon? Rei, you've got to stop letting Asuka goad you into those drinking contests."
"It wasn't that. I don't know why I was still asleep."
Kensuke finally noticed that she was still wearing her pajamas. Her hair was unwashed, and she was still wiping crust out of her eyes. She had been asleep when he got there! But, even with a hangover, Rei didn't normally sleep until noon. Sitting next to Rei in her underwear was suddenly making it more difficult to concentrate on the road.
"Um, are you... feeling okay? Shinji mentioned that you hadn't been sleeping well."
"It's... nothing you need to worry about. Let's just get there before the Angel does." She looked out the window, going silent. It usually meant that she was thinking about something, and wouldn't tell you until she was ready. All he could do was drive faster.
***
This felt familiar. They were set up in an ambush, waiting for the Angel to come near. The only place to hide an Eva was behind a large hill. Asuka was oddly silent. She kept her eyes open for any sign of it. The satellite photos could only give them a general location. When it came within sight, the real battle would begin. She'd nearly taken the last one down. She wasn't afraid of these things beating her, and she no longer feared anyone else beating her.
But why was her heart pounding like this? There was a feeling in her stomach... like a pit opening up and sucking down her gut. She clenched her teeth, and ignored it. It must be my damn period again, she decided.
"Where is the god damned thing?" She was getting impatient.
"Calm down, Asuka. I'm in no hurry for it to show up," Touji said.
"I want to get this over with," she growled. "You know I hate ambushes."
"That's because you're not patient enough for 'em."
"Look, you! I-"
Shinji cut her off. "How long are you two going to keep at this? You both know better than to fight while on a mission. So cut it out. Now."
She didn't know what she hated more. Waiting for an enemy that could possibly kill her, or her own boyfriend chewing her out.
"Misato." He opened a channel to HQ. "Is Rei there, yet?"
"Don't worry, we found her. She's getting ready, now. We'll have to air lift her if she's going to be any use."
"Understood. We'll need all the help we can get."
"It's coming your way. Fifteen seconds until the target is within firing range. Get ready."
The silence around them built up like a fog. All they could see of the enemy was a blip on a screen. Again, Asuka clenched her teeth. What the hell was wrong? All she had to do was provide cover fire while Shinji moved in. She didn't care about being back up. A long time ago, she'd learned to swallow her pride. Well, maybe it wasn't so long ago. But she didn't care about that, anymore. She wasn't afraid of dying. She'd have never let herself get close to Shinji if she was afraid.
So why did this feeling in her stomach feel so much like fear?
"Here it comes!" She looked up. "Asuka, go for it!"
Unit 02 rose up from its hiding place, and aimed for the hunched form floating in mid air. Its head jutted out from its body, which was more of a bulbous floating mass. Tentacles hung from its sides, big gray pseudopods almost as wide as an Eva. It had no legs, but only seemed to hang in the air.
Unit 02 aimed its rifle, and let loose. A couple of bullets made it through, but its AT Field quickly appeared. Its eyes swiveled atop the head, peering at her. It started to move when Unit 03 appeared, and fired its rocket launcher. Both Evas continued to fire. The Angel seemed momentarily confused, unable to resolve two simultaneous attackers.
"Unit 01, move in!" Shinji leapt out, expanding his AT Field as he charged the Angel. Their fields collided, warping the air around them. His knife flashed against the other field, trying to cut through. It couldn't hold, and the knife slipped through, and plunged into the Angel's flesh. It rushed forward, knocking over Unit 01.
"Shinji!" Asuka immediately rushed over, still firing her rifle at it. The bullets made it through again, tearing into the flesh. It turned, and a tentacle lashed out, slamming her back. Unit 01 rose again, slashing with its knife. The Angel backed away under the assault, its pseudopods flailing. It struck Unit 01 with them, but Shinji pressed his attack, and drove his knife between the monster's eyes. Its tentacles went rigid, and then hung limp. It fell to the ground in a sagging heap.
Units 01 and 02 slowly got back to their feet, their pilots gasping to catch their breath. Unit 03 slowly approached, keeping the launcher aimed at the fallen Angel. Touji and Shinji stood over it. It didn't even twitch. Asuka stood back, the pit in her stomach refusing to go away.
Touji poked it with his Evas foot. "Heh. That's it? It wasn't so tough."
"Misato, it's Shinji. The target has been-"
"Shinji!" Asuka saw the body move, and it was already too late. "Look out!" The whole thing shuddered, and then exploded outward in a mass of tentacles. Unit 01 was slammed back to the ground. They wrapped themselves around Unit 03's limbs and torso. Touji cried out. The Eva was lifted off its feet, and then slammed into the ground. Unit 01 sat up and pulled out its pistol, firing into the mass. A dead eye turned to him, and additional tentacles wrapped themselves around Unit 01's neck.
Asuka could hear Shinji. He was being strangled. His only voice was a croak. She rushed forward, firing at the Angel. The bullets didn't even seem to matter. They sank into the warped flesh, and were swallowed up. Its eyes looked towards her, but it did not act. She kept firing at its tentacles, trying to sever them.
Misato's voice came from somewhere, trying to contact them, but Asuka couldn't hear it. The radio signal from HQ was breaking down.
Shinji's voice was barely audible. "Asuka... stay back."
"No!" She drew her knife, and slashed at the tentacles. The Angel grew more, and bashed at her with them. Her Eva was knocked aside, skidding across the ground. A shock filled her head as she hit the ground. The hit was too hard. Her eyes were unfocused. She couldn't see the Angel. She could feel something wrapping around her Eva's ankle. "Get off of me, damn it!" She kicked, and the tentacle snaked up her leg, squeezing. She screamed reflexively.
Her knife was somewhere. She groped for it as she kicked. Touji managed to pull his pistol free, and was firing. The bullets did little more than swim through the hide. Asuka looked for her knife to try and fight back, pushing herself up off the ground.
Something again struck her head, and the world vanished. She could hear screaming. Was it her? She wanted to scream. She could only thrash blindly. Then her fingers closed around something sharp. It dug into her Eva's hand. She didn't let go. The pain was nothing, if it would let her save him. She slid her fingers along the blade until she found the hilt.
She whirled, and the blade sliced through the Angel's tentacle. It screamed, and reared back, momentarily loosing focus. Asuka lunged, stabbing the Angel's body before it could raise its field. She raised the knife, and stabbed again. She stabbed it until it would not dare to move, blood spurting from the bulbous flesh. She struck something vital-- the brain, core, whatever it may have been-- and the creature gave one final scream as brilliant light shone from its eyes, and it died.
She stood, and helped her companions. Shinji held his head. "Damn it, Asuka, I told you to stay back," he said in a groggy voice.
She smiled. "Then make it an order next time, you idiot."
"You could've gotten killed."
"You would have gotten killed if I wasn't here. You're totally useless without me. Now shut up and help me lift Touji."
***
Rei sat alone in Misato's office. Eva Unit 00 had never launched, as she had arrived too late to be of any use, and all communications with Eva Team 01 had failed due to internal malfunction. The on-site teams were already clearing the battlefield by the time a carrier was readied. She could barely look her friends in the face when they came back. She had wanted to be out there with them, to help them. But something else had other plans.
Misato walked in, and sat down in front of her. "Rei, I know you're upset." The young woman didn't look up. "I'm not going to bawl you out, so you can relax." She still didn't look up. Misato sighed. "Rei, this isn't like you, you're-"
"That's the problem." She stopped Misato dead. "I know that I'm behaving strangely. My dreams… seem to be more real. This morning, I dreamed I was awake. I didn't hear the phone, or the sirens. I'm sorry."
Misato waited, and then said, "Shinji told me about the dream you had before the Angels reappeared. Was it another dream like that?" Rei looked up at her. "Don't be mad at him. He's only worried. You know how he is."
"I know. You all worry about me. Because of what I..."
"Don't be stupid, Rei! We worry because you're our friend. You're one of my pilots. There will be hell to pay for anyone who tries to harm you." She was upset, but it was because she was genuinely worried about her.
Rei couldn't keep herself from smiling. "Thank you, Misato. But I... I don't know what this is, yet. It's something... something I tried to forget about. I thought it didn't matter anymore, because I... we thought it was gone."
"Does it have to do with your dream? The one about Kaoru?"
"It wasn't completely a dream. Before he died, Kaoru told me that I was like him. Part of me was an Angel, then."
"Rei, you-"
"No, Misato. It's the truth. You know why I was created. You remember it, don't you? From the Instrumentality? It was the whole reason Dr. Ikari created me. I knew it the whole time."
"But you're different, now."
"I know. That's because I thought Instrumentality had killed off that part of me that was not human. It gave me a chance to care if I lived or died. Shinji, and Asuka, and everyone else told me that I couldn't be replaced. Who I am... is who I chose to be."
"And what now? You think that's a lie?" Misato tried not to be angry, but she couldn't help herself.
"No," Rei said. Misato relaxed a little. "I know it's not a lie, but it's not entirely true, anymore." She stood to leave, her mind racing. There was something inside of her, something that responded to these thoughts. Maybe it could show her what to do. "Only one thing is certain for me right now, Commander. I am not a doll."
She closed the door quietly behind her. Misato sat back in her chair, her own mind busying itself. She'd hate to admit to Asuka that there might be something to what she'd said. Rei was the First Child, but she'd also been created, not born like the rest of them.
But did that make her any less human? She acted just like a human. She ate, breathed, walked, talked, and had human thoughts and feelings. The part of her that hadn't been human, that kept her in fear and seeking an end to a pointless existence, had died. Burned up.
And then they clamored around her, and became her friends. Not out of feelings of obligation or pity. It was almost reflexive. They'd all been together before the Impact, but never as close as they were now. It just seemed... right that they keep going this way. Even Asuka seemed to genuinely want this, which probably came as the biggest surprise.
A knock at her door awoke Misato from her thoughts. "Come in."
Osamu Kitari opened the door, smiling easily. "Good afternoon, Commander. I just wanted to congratulate you on the battle. Mind if I come in?"
She shook her head, and Kitari closed the door behind him. "Thanks. Things could've gone better, if our communications hadn't started cutting off. It probably wouldn't happen if we could upgrade and service the equipment while staying within budget."
He nodded, and sat down. "Yes, I remember seeing something slipped in with your budget request that seemed much like a debate on if the UN was withholding funding because they truly wished to see NERV rot, or just didn't care about the lives of the people you protect."
Misato shrugged shamelessly. "Just an honest question."
Kitari nodded. "I understand. Politicians are a tight-fisted bunch. I should know, being one. So have you discovered what the problem was, yet?"
"I have Dr. Iwano looking into it." She noticed Kitari raise an eyebrow. "He doesn't seem like the type to handle it, I know, but he's an intelligent man. There's little I don't trust him to handle."
Kitari smiled, "Well, I'm sure your judgment will prove itself." He glanced around the office, his gaze settling on a picture of Misato and the Evangelion pilots. "How is Miss Ayanami? She seemed troubled when she was walking away from your office."
"She's... just not feeling well. She's upset about not being there for the others."
"Yes, you all do seem to be very close. Has it always been this way?"
"Only since after the Impact. A lot has happened since then, but it'd take me all night to tell you about it." Misato studied the man for a moment. He wasn't unhandsome. He always seemed relaxed, even this afternoon, in the command center, when things were getting hectic; he kept a visage of calm. It didn't repel Misato, but it didn't attract her to him. He seemed more like a cat, watching things around him with an aloof curiosity. Even the way he sat on the couch now, in her office, reminded her of this.
And then there were his eyes. They were strange things, brown one minute, but in the right light they would suddenly flash with an excited golden light. They would never focus on one thing for very long, but when they did, he stared intently. She realized that he was staring at her now.
"Something the matter, Commander Katsuragi?"
She started. "Oh! No, sorry, just... a lot to think about. Um, just Misato, thanks."
He smiled, "Thank you, Misato." He stood, "Well, then, I guess I should-"
Misato's stomach growled. She stiffened with embarrassment. Osamu blinked, and then laughed.
Her face brightened. "Excuse me."
"No, it's quite all right. Tell you what, let me take you to dinner. Purely professional."
"Oh, no, I--"
"Please, think of it as a gift from the UN. I was getting hungry myself. Besides, I can write it off as a business expense." He smiled in a way that made it almost pitiable.
Her mind tried to find another way out of this. She was, unfortunately, out of practice, and other parts of her anatomy started to take over when she saw him smile. She tried to remind herself that she should be thinking about her job. She should be worrying about Rei.
"Sure. I just have some stuff to file through, first."
"Excellent! I'll just come back in... an hour?"
"Yeah, that'd be fine." The door opened.
Yoshi rushed in without knocking. "Commander! I'm glad I caught you, there's something that I really need to go over with you about Eva's..." His sentence died off when he registered the presence of Osamu Kitari. "Oh, I'm really sorry. I didn't know you were here. I'll just-"
"No, Yoshi, it's okay!" Misato almost jumped out of her chair. "Mr. Kitari and I were just about to get something to eat. Why don't you come with us? I mean, if you don't mind, Mr. Kitari?"
Yoshi recognized the undertones in her voice. He glanced to Osamu, who just smiled.
"Of course not. Please, call me Osamu. You too, Dr. Iwano. I'd be happy for you to join us. Perhaps you could explain to the Commander what's so important, eh?" He seemed genuine, and that only made Yoshi even more uncomfortable. He looked to Misato again. That look was in her face.
"Yeah," he relented. "I'd be glad to." Perfectly rehearsed lines, my boy. Your voice didn't shake at all.
"Then I'll see you both in an hour." Osamu turned with one last smile and wave, and walked out the door. Yoshi almost swore that the man slinked when he walked.
He turned back to Misato, who hung her head in shame.
"I'm sorry."
"I will be putting this in for overtime, you know?"
"Yes, I know."
Yoshi sighed, and turned to the door. "I guess I'd better go get ready. I'll just give you this report in the morning. It's not that important, all things considered."
"Thanks, Yoshi. You don't know how much I mean that."
"Oh no, Misato. I do." He closed the door, and went back to his own office. He was used to being trapped in this position. Every friend he'd ever had who was of the opposite sex did this to him on multiple occasions. He was resigned to the position in life of being the "safe guy." He'd seen that pleading message in Misato's face many times in the three years that he'd come to work at NERV. It said, "Please, good friend, I don't completely trust myself. Come along so I don't end up doing something that will give me cause to find the mouthwash in the morning? Pretty please?"
Of course, he knew that Misato was completely capable of taking care of herself. She could stand up to anything. She'd become a friend to him as soon as he'd started working here, and he recognized that strength in her right away. So why did she really want him to come along?
Damn it, she really needed to get laid again, didn't she? And she didn't want to cause an incident with the UN supervisor. Although it might help with attaining some much needed extra funding. Maybe if he just discreetly helped her to get some instead of staying sober...
No, Yoshi thought. She knew where he lived. She'd come after him for that. And this time the gun might not be loaded with blanks.
***
Later that night it had begun to rain again. Asuka stood outside on the balcony, watching the rainfall straight and hard on the city around them. The sound made it harder for her to think, which was good. The problem was that she had begun to think too much with her heart, and not her mind. The former was much harder to silence, because it could ignore many of the pressures that the mind endured. She only confused the problem further when she tried to put the concerns of her heart in to terms her mind could comprehend.
She wondered what the hell was wrong with her. Today's mission had been just like any other. They had an enemy; they attacked it. That the enemy was an Angel didn't change anything. This she could rationalize easily. But she had been so nervous today. It was silly. Worse, it was almost stupid.
She'd acted so irrationally, like she was a novice. She could have been killed. That didn't worry her, when she thought about it. She wasn't afraid of being beaten by an enemy, or by Rei, or Shinji. She knew that Touji would never beat her. The fear she'd had wasn't a fear of her own death or defeat.
She just didn't want to admit it to herself. She was being stubborn, as usual.
Now the rain was really starting to annoy her.
Shinji stood quietly behind her. It was a rare occasion for Asuka to be conscious and silent at the same time. Even when unconscious, she had a habit of talking in her sleep. These moments were the closest thing to serenity he could witness. He walked up beside her, and leaned on the railing.
"Now will you tell me what's bothering you?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"You've been like this for two days." She'd been worse since the battle. He sighed, and looked out at the rain and the night. "You're always so damn stubborn, and you try to hide what's bothering you. I really wish you'd just come out and tell me, sometimes."
"You want to know?" She looked at him. "You want to hear me say it?"
Shinji looked confused. He didn't understand why she was suddenly so angry. "Well, I, uh..."
"Because of you, all right! It's your fault that I'm pissed off! Because you had to go out there in front again. Because that Angel almost killed you today. All I could do was sit there and listen while you were dying. Why the hell do you think I didn't listen to you? You could have died!"
"Asuka, I--"
"What? You were just doing what you had to do? Damn you, Shinji, why can't you stop being so dense?" She faced him, and swung her fist into his chest. Then she fell against him. "You're such an idiot." He started to say something, but she put her hand over his mouth to stop him. "Say you're sorry, and I'll really hurt you."
He pulled her hand away, but held on to it. "So you were worried about me?"
"What the hell do you think? Of course I was, dumbkopf. Damn it, Shinji. You should know all of this by now. If you ever... I swear I'm going to..." She clenched her teeth, trying not to cry.
Shinji wrapped his arms around her. "I'm not going to let that happen. I promise."
"If you do, I'll make you regret it. You got that?"
"Do you always have to be such a pain?" He cried out as she kicked his foot. "All right, all right. I got it." They stood there, holding each other. Shinji looked out across the city. It reminded him of the last time they'd been like this. That had been only a couple of years ago. He'd almost forgotten when it was. It felt like they'd been together for a lot longer than two years.
He asked, "You remember the last time this happened, right? I can't remember how long ago it was."
"That's because you're dense." She sighed, finding comfort against the warmth of his body. "Yeah, I remember. It was two years ago. It'll be three years, next week."
***
Three years ago. It had been raining, just like this. They were still living with Misato, then. There was nothing much to do during those first months of NERV's reconstruction. The construction of new schools and residences in the suburbs had been much swifter, so they had no choice but to finish their education. Although Asuka complained the entire time that she'd already been through this.
She leaned on the railing of the balcony, watching the rain. The sky matched her mood: dark, brooding, and pissed off. It was better this way.
It wasn't any of her business what he was out doing. It couldn't possibly be that interesting, anyway. And the girl he was with was not near as pretty as Asuka was. It was pointless to even try and compare them. To hell with it, let the girl go out and be miserable and see how boring that idiot can be.
He was an idiot. She shouldn't even be thinking about him. He's boring, and stupid, and she's had to put up with him almost every day for the past two years. That's more time than she ever spent with her foster parents. She even stayed with him after the Impact. Only because without her he'd never get anything done.
So why the hell was she agonizing over this?
Why did seeing him go out with that other girl hurt her so much?
"God damn you, Shinji. You're such an idiot."
She didn't hear Shinji walk in. He kicked his shoes off, and went to the kitchen. It was a mess, as usual. Misato must have tried to make dinner. Pen Pen looked up at him, expectantly, nodding towards his empty dish. Then again, Misato must not have been home, yet. She'd never forget to feed him. Even Angels hadn't kept Pen Pen from getting his dinner. Shinji filled the penguin's dish, and poked his head into the living room. He saw Asuka standing out on the balcony. She watched the rain, silent and peaceful for once in her life.
Why the hell had he been so miserable tonight? The girl he'd gone out with was smart, and very pretty, but he just hadn't seemed very interested in the date. He hadn't been interested, honestly. Something kept nagging at him, some kind of guilt pulling at his chest. He realized that it was returning as he watched Asuka.
What the hell was he thinking? He was standing here, watching her, and feeling... pain? Over what? He was sure Asuka wouldn't care if he went out. She hadn't said anything before he left. And why the hell should he care if she had something to say about it? All she'd do was tell him what an idiot he was. Then he would retort with something, probably a crack about her period, and then they'd just argue.
And he'd actually wished that Asuka had been there, even if she was just going to argue with him. He wanted her to be there, arguing with him, rather than see her alone and brooding at home. Rather than being with some other girl.
He walked out onto the balcony, making enough noise for her to hear him. He leaned on the railing, and looked out at the rain. "Hey."
She didn't look up at him. She frowned at the night. "I didn't hear you come in. How was your date?"
"Pretty miserable." She looked at him, slightly shocked. "She was smart, pretty, and I was miserable and dull the whole time."
She looked at the rain. "Typical. I could have told you that was going to happen."
Shinji opened his mouth to say something, but the words stuck in his throat. What the hell was he doing? Something had almost slipped out that he wasn't sure he'd regret. Did he really want to say this? Blood rushed to his head, and he could feel his heart pounding. What the hell was going on? They always made this sort of thing seem easy in the movies.
But it wasn't. This was something even more frightening than an Angel.
Asuka looked at him out of the corner of her eye. Why didn't he say something? He just looked at her, his mouth gaping. What the hell was he thinking? Why didn't he just say something to her? Anything. Even if he told her that he hated her, it was better than this silence. At least she'd know he felt something.
Finally, Asuka tightened her fists, and growled. She turned on him. "Damn it, Shinji, will you say something?"
He snapped out of his daze. "I... Well what do you want me to say?"
"You're asking me? I thought you were telling me how miserable you were on your date. You think that's so damn important? I was sitting here miserable for your date because I knew how dull you were going to be."
He sighed, and looked at the rain. "Sorry. I didn't know."
She fumed. "Damn it, when are you going to stop apologizing? Why can't you just yell back at me? You're such an idiot, and you're dull, and stupid, and wouldn't even know what you wanted if it hit you!"
He stood straight, and looked at her. "I only apologized because I really did feel sorry for you. And what the hell do you have to be miserable about, anyway?"
"You want to know?"
"Yeah. Maybe it'll explain why you're being so mean and stubborn."
"Because of you, you idiot!" Her face started to turn red. She balled her hands into tight fists. "Because you apologize to me, and you ignore me when I yell at you, and I can never tell if you really care or not. Damn it, if you'd just tell me you hate me I could live with that. I hate you! You're stupid and a jerk and you're not the same boy I could yell at and I wish you would just hate me back!"
"I don't have a reason to hate you, Asuka."
"And why not? After everything I've said to you, why can't you just hate me back?"
"Because I love you, damn it, that's why!" He yelled at her, looking at her in anger. She raised a fist, readying to hit him. He stood straight, and stared at her, unmoving. Her eyes and face were red with anger.
Her fist dropped, and she fell against him, putting her face against his chest. Shinji froze for a moment from the shock of anger and love all going through the two of them at once. Then he hugged her to him.
She cried on his chest. "Damn it, I love you. Why did it have to be you? Why do I love you?" She almost laughed. It should be pathetic that she was crying over a silly, stupid boy. And now it didn't seem so pathetic anymore.
They held each other silently for what seemed to be forever. Finally, they went back inside, and sat on the couch. Asuka lied out across it, resting her head in his lap.
"Asuka, are you sure you want this?"
"What do you mean?"
"In the Impact, I... saw what happened to you. I saw you're mother, and you as a little girl. I remember what you said, about..."
She was silent for a while. "I know. I pushed you, and Rei, and even Misato away because I didn't want to be hurt. I acted childish because I didn't want to die because of someone else. I didn't want the Angels, or you, to beat me. I thought it meant no one would want me.
"But... something's different now. I hated seeing all of that. I hated having it all... exposed, ripped out of me, being forced to see it. Something's changed inside me, now. I realized that the problem was in me. I knew then that I didn't have to be afraid. I'd spent my whole life pushing people away because I didn't want to end up like my mother. That's why I wanted you to hate me back. I'm ashamed of how I was before. I don't want to go back to being afraid and angry at everything."
"I won't hurt you, Asuka. I swear I'd never do that."
"I know." She looked up at him. "You've changed too, you know?"
He nodded. "You saw me, too, right? You saw how deluded I was. I spent my whole life running because I didn't want to be hurt. I thought everyone left me, or hated me, because I was worthless. I thought piloting Eva was the only reason Misato or Touji or Kensuke were ever nice to me. Even though people were nice to me, I didn't believe it, because I couldn't believe in myself. The whole time it was just in my head."
"Mien Gott. We're pathetic."
Shinji quietly thought for a moment, and then said, "If we've really changed so much, then why did it take us so long just to get here?"
"Because you're dense."
He smiled. "Oh, right. I forgot."
When Misato came home that night, she found the two of them asleep on the couch, Asuka lying in Shinji's arms. She stared at them, not entirely surprised, but wondering what she'd missed. Wishing they'd just stop fighting, and then seeing them together like this was the kind of thing that made her want to do something drastic, just in case reality was falling apart again. Maybe she should take up heavy drinking again. Or become a nun. In the end, she put a blanket over them, and went to bed. She knew that the real crisis would start when they began having sex.
***
They lied in bed together, remembering that night. It was amazing, sometimes, that they were still in one piece, after everything they'd gone through. Theirs was a generation that was forced to grow up before its time. They'd faced something that few people in the past or in their future would ever really comprehend. They'd seen the truth of not the world, but the people in it. Their destiny was wholly in their own hands.
Shinji stared at the ceiling, while Asuka snored on his chest. It hadn't been easy. He had to fight for that truth, to discover it, to accept it, and to keep it.
Maybe that's why the Angels return was so terrifying. How many times would he have to fight to make his life his own? Why did they seem so intent on taking it away? Where they really servants of God, or had it just been a convenient label to give creatures that were beyond us?
He'd keep fighting. The girl lying beside him was motivation enough. He had to. For those he loved.
If God had decided that he did not want his children, then Shinji decided that he would make the bastard regret ever having them. Even if it meant facing God himself.
Compared to facing his deepest fears, it was nothing.
End Part 3
Author's Notes: In-freaking-tense, huh?! This has got to be one of the hardest things I've ever written. It's true, as well. Sometimes people don't know love until it literally slaps them in the face and calls them an idiot. Anyway, enough of my sentimental crap. I hope you loved reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Don't worry, I'll start straight away on Chapter 4. I just have to figure out what I'm going to call it. As usual, all C&C can be sent straight to loneshark707@hotmail.com, or just posted here on fanfiction.net. It sends me the reviews, anyway.