Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is copyright and trademarked by Gainax. All characters created by them are used here without permission, and for entertainment purposes only. I don't mean to infringe, only to entertain. Please don't sue my poor ass.
Neon Genesis Evangelion
Seraphim
by the Loneshark
Chapter 7: Thy God, the Martyr
Touji sat on the floor, and stared into space. It was all he could do to ignore the silence and keep it from swallowing him up. Static ran through his brain; anyone looking at him would think he was a vegetable. If they looked at the empty bottles lying on the table, they might call a hospital. He wasn't sure if all of them were his.
He couldn't quite remember anything beyond walking in the front door, after coming home from the battle. Asuka had grabbed the bottle of tequila before he could get to it, and disappeared into Shinji's room. Kensuke had stayed at NERV, devoting himself to working on discovering the true goals of the saboteur. Rei had actually joined him in obliterating brain cells, and had spent whatever hours she wasn't conscious asleep on the couch.
Hikari sat down beside him, and curled up on his lap.
"How is she?" He still wasn't sober. He actually worried about Asuka.
"She's asleep, again. I left her some food on the desk... hopefully she'll eat it."
He stared at the bottles. "I guess it was pretty stupid of us to loose control like this."
"It's been three days... and I still can't believe it. I mean, I know something like this has happened before, but..."
"Yeah, it was different then. We didn't know what was going on. We just knew that Shinji wasn't going to be at school for a while. Now..." He shook his head. He remembered being worried about his friend, when they told him that. No one would tell him the truth, no matter what he tried. He'd finally gotten Shinji to tell him the truth a couple of years ago. Knowing that he'd completely... assimilated with an Eva hadn't made it any easier.
And now they didn't know any more than they did back then. Shinji hadn't assimilated with the Eva. He hadn't reverted to the "primordial state," or whatever the hell it was. He was gone. Disappeared. An Angel had taken him while he was trying to protect his friends.
Touji sighed. "You know, the only thing he wanted to do was protect us. He felt like he had something to make up for. He looked Kitari straight in the eye and told him that he wouldn't let that happen again. And then the idiot had to go and keep his promise."
"Don't talk like that. Misato says he's still alive, Touji. It's not like you to give up on him."
"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry." He didn't have the spirit to even argue.
Damn it, Shinji. Just be alive. That's all we want.
***
The silence moved with a will of its own. It traveled down the hall, slipped under the door, and sat down beside her. Sometimes there would be a sound, like someone drawing breath, or whispering a name, and she'd look up, hoping to see him standing there. But there was only the silence.
She woke up briefly, and in that space between consciousness and dream, she saw him lying next to her. It jolted her awake, and he vanished. She fell back down, and cried again. The pillow was becoming a map of her tears.
Damn him. He promised he wouldn't do this. He promised her that. She'd let herself care for him, and let him care about her, and then he went and did something stupid. It was just like him. He always did this. Just when you thought he'd gotten it right, he would do something that made you wonder how he'd learned to walk without breaking his skull.
She would curse him, and cry. Then she would regret it, because she couldn't help but be in love with him. It made her cry again. He'd done it for them. That was one of the things she couldn't understand. If he cared so much about them, why did he always put himself in front of the danger? Didn't he know that they cared for him just as much? Didn't he know that?
She lifted her head out of the pillow, and looked at the desk. A picture of the two of them sat on it: in it, she stood behind him with her arms around his neck and her head on his shoulder. He smiled at the camera, his arms wrapped back around her. She couldn't remember when it had been taken, but he kept it there, all the same, even though he woke up to her almost every morning.
She reached up, and pulled the picture close to her, and fell asleep clutching it, covering it with tears.
***
Kensuke sat back for a moment only to rub his eyes clear. He'd fallen asleep working, again. He reached for his mug only to find it empty. So was the whole coffee pot. He picked it up, and found his way to the cafeteria. Yoshi had shown him how to bogart the coffee machine without getting in trouble. It was cheaper than pouring money into the vending machine.
He stood there, watching the coffee pour into the pot, and tried not to think. He acted on autopilot, moving through streams of data on the computer in a Zen trance. He didn't think about what was driving him; he only acted on it. But it kept crawling back into his mind, refusing to let him rest. Maybe he was just using this as a way to run from it.
He looked up at the sound of footsteps. Yoshi poked his head in the kitchen.
"So," he said, "you still haven't quit?"
Kensuke nodded. "Yeah. Where've you been? I haven't seen you in... five hours, maybe?"
Yoshi shook his head. "More like nine. I got some sleep. At least you're making the coffee. Misato's would just kill us."
"I heard that!" Misato called from the cafeteria. "Save me a cup, will ya?"
Both of them rolled their eyes, and waited for the pot to finish. They brought it out to the table, and sat down with Misato.
Kensuke ran his hands through his hair, ignoring his coffee. "Damn it, studying for exams has nothing on this."
"Not going too well, huh?" Misato sipped her coffee.
"It's part of that, and that the Magi just have so much information. I don't think I could understand even a quarter of it all."
Yoshi nodded. "Well, we're not looking for a quarter of it, so just take it easy." He drank his coffee, and looked at the two of them. It was plain on their faces, but they wouldn't say it. Did they not want to think about it? It might be better; Rei and Touji and the others weren't taking it well when they did think about it.
Misato put her mug down. "All right, Yoshi, what?"
He jumped. "S-sorry. I just... No one's said anything. I know it's not easy to think about it, but it's not like we should just run away from the truth."
"No one's running, Yoshi. We're all just dealing with it differently."
Kensuke shook his head. "I'm not running." They both looked at him. "I know what Shinji did was the right thing. If he hadn't gone out there, Rei would be dead. I can't believe he'd die, either. It just doesn't... I don't feel like he's dead. There's something telling me that he's alive." He looked up, his expression pleading for their understanding. He found it in them, and continued. "He did what he felt he had to do. And he believed in me. He believed I could help you guys find out what the spy was after. I don't want to let him down."
Yoshi smiled at him. "It looks like you're taking it better than the others."
"You can't really blame them," Misato said. "They're just trying to find a way to deal with it. To accept it. Hell, if feels like the only thing keeping me from joining them is the job." She stared at her coffee, and then looked at Kensuke. "You didn't put anything in this, did you?"
"Huh? No! I mean, I wouldn't, uh..."
She shook her head. "I'm opening up to you two way too much for this not to be spiked."
Yoshi sipped his. "Come on, Misato. You know it's not the job. You don't need it to hold you together. You and Shinji are the strongest ones here. It's the two of you who keep this place going."
She laughed. "You sure you got enough sleep?"
"I'm fine. I guess I'm just finally starting to see what's great about you. I mean, as a commander, I guess. I..."
Misato looked at him, and then tried to beat down the thoughts coming up from the back of her brain. It was just the grief and worry affecting her, that's it. "Yoshi, I-"
Kensuke snored. His head was buried in his arms. He'd fallen asleep without them even noticing.
Yoshi laughed, and stood up. "I'll get back to work. You should probably get some sleep, too."
"I'll be fine, Yoshi. Thanks." He stood there for a moment, and finally she said, "You think he's still alive?"
"I know you do. It will still be another two days before the emergency beacon in his plug suit activates. And Shinji's smart. He'll survive, Misato. You and Asuka should know that about him better than anyone." He picked up his coffee, and left.
Misato stayed, kept company by Kensuke's snoring. She wished she'd made the coffee, instead. It would work a lot better at keeping her awake. She didn't think about it long, since she collapsed against the table shortly after, and fell asleep.
***
This place was familiar to him. He'd seen it somewhere before. In a dream. A nightmare. But it couldn't be real. Could it? Was he really standing on some windswept piece of rock in the middle of... Where? There was only a blue-green sky around him. The ground seemed to go on forever. It was scarred and porous, like the landscape of a scenic wasteland.
A chuckle came from behind him. He turned, and froze at the sight.
"I knew we would meet again, Shinji." Kaoru sat on a rock, dressed in a shirt and jeans, smiling at him. It was the same look he wore the first time they'd met. The same smile that hinted he knew a secret no one else could. That he could really see you as a person. As who you were, deep inside.
Shinji stared at him, and finally managed to croak out his name. "Kaoru? But you're... you're dead."
He nodded. "That would appear to be the case."
Shinji looked back across the landscape. "Then am I dead? Is this Heaven, or Hell?"
Kaoru hopped off his rock, and stood beside him. "No, you're not dead, my friend. This is Eden, or at least what remains of it. It only exists as a memory, now. Humanity outgrew it long ago. In the waking world, it became the GeoFront, where NERV is based. Here, it is only a refuge."
Shinji looked at the gray, sunless horizon. Light came from the very essence of the place. He closed his eyes, and he could still see it. "A refuge for what?"
"For me. It was the only place I could go."
"This is where you went after I killed you?" He opened his eyes again. "Then what am I doing here? I can't remember..."
"Of course you can. Relax, and breathe. You always held your truths within you, Shinji. Search for them."
He closed his eyes again, and blocked out the landscape. "I remember... Rei. And I remember Eva. That's it. I was trying to help Rei. I pulled the Angel off her, and then it... what did it do, Kaoru? It vanished." He looked at the boy ghost. "How did I get here? Did the Angel do this? Am I trapped inside it, again?"
"Yes, and no. The Angel tried to escape you by changing where it existed. You got caught in its wake. You came here because you remember this place. All humans remember it."
A blue flash of light and water appeared in his brain. "Eva?" He looked around. "I... I felt Eva. Is she here?"
Kaoru shook his head. "No, she is not. You simply still retain your link to her in this place. Eva's true soul was severed from her physical form to facilitate Instrumentality. Eva as you now know her is truly what everyone thought them to be in the beginning: animal constructs, weapons."
He nodded. "I know that, I think. I couldn't feel my mother within Eva, after the Impact."
"That's because Eva is yours, now. All the Evas are bonded to their pilots. They were a reflection of humanity itself, of the beast within all of you. Instrumentality made them something else, now. All they need is your will to shape them."
"How do you know all that?"
"I'm Eden's caretaker, now. I have nothing better to do than watch you."
He laughed, and looked around again. This place felt so familiar to him, even though this was the first time he could remember seeing it. Right? Wait, that's not right. Was this the first time he'd been here?
"What am I really doing here, Kaoru?"
He laughed. "Don't ask me. You came here on your own, remember? Look around. See what it is you came here to find."
"I did come here to find something, didn't I? I wanted to find out why the Angels have come back. I wanted to know why they're after Rei."
The landscape flashed around him. Memories appeared in his eyes, covering the place. Memories of something else, of an event that didn't take place in Time. Memories of something that happened with the intent of changing the world. A new genesis for mankind.
Kaoru. I killed Kaoru. Kaoru was an Angel. Eva! I pilot Eva so others will be nice to me. But we are nice to you. I hate you! I hate myself! What is this place? You created it. A world without pain. Kaoru looked up at him, right before he died, and smiled. What's wrong with running from reality if it sucks? Misato? Where are you? There you go again, playing the martyr. You're pathetic! It's all in your own imagination. Maybe. It's true. Don't hate me. No one hates you. Now you've lost the ability to fly, but you can walk along the ground. You've given up some of your freedom for something you can feel. Your life can be whatever you want it to be. I understand now. None of them hate me. It's all in my mind. If I can love myself, then I will be okay. I can exist. I don't have to be afraid. Congratulations. Thank you, Father. Goodbye, Mother. Congratulations, everyone. Everyone.
"I remember. This is where it ended, isn't it? This is where Instrumentality ended. When I realized that I didn't have to be afraid, everyone was here, waiting for me." He looked to Kaoru, again. "That's when I decided to go back. I realized my father's vision wasn't my own. He couldn't... he had no right to decide the future. People have to chose it for themselves."
Kaoru smiled at him. "You're the reason I fell in love with Humanity, you know? You taught me how to be human."
He nodded, remembering. "I realized then what you were trying to teach me, you know? It was the same thing Kaji tried to tell me. I don't have to be afraid of the pain. I can endure it. It's my choice... I'll accept it."
"So is that what you were thinking when you tried to help Rei? You wanted to help her, and Asuka, and Touji. You wanted to be there for your friends. You wanted to do something to make up for things you still remember, that you're not proud of."
He nodded, and looked at his hand. "I'm not a martyr, Kaoru. But I did want to help them, because they're my friends. I shouldn't need any other reason. I can't change what I've done in the past, but I can accept it, and move on."
"Amazing."
He looked up. Kaoru was looking into him. "You really do love her, don't you?"
"I do. Why is that so amazing?"
"I find everything about humans amazing. I wasn't born to it. I learned how to be human from you. The Angels hate me because of it, but I don't care. Even if I am condemned to be Eden's caretaker for all eternity, I would rather do it as a human."
Shinji smiled, and then remembered something else that had to do with his being here. "Rei said she saw you in her dreams. What do you know about the Angels returning, Kaoru?"
His friend sighed, and sat back down on his rock. "I was trying to warn her about them. They want her, because she is still like what I was. A human with the essence of an Angel. Lilith was the mother of demons, and responsible for Instrumentality, but Adam is still alive. Only Adam can dictate the purpose of an Angel, because they come from him."
"That's what it was talking about?"
He nodded. "Rei is still Rei. She possesses her own soul. Instrumentality separated her from Adam. She can hold him, but only for as long as the Angels are kept from her."
"Then what are these Angels? I thought you were the last?"
"I don't know. Not every soul born from Adam survived. They maybe the ones thought dead, brought back to life by Adam. I thought I was the last. But they've found another way. I can not see the future, but I fear that it may hold something that even the Angels do not fully comprehend."
"I have to go back, Kaoru."
"This is Eden, Shinji. From here, you may do what you want. Sometimes humans need reminding where they came from. I'm glad you got to see it."
"Thank you." He looked around.
"What is it?"
"I think... there's still things I need to know. There are still questions I need to ask, before this is over. I know where I have to go."
"Then this is goodbye, my friend. Take care of yourself."
"Don't worry, Kaoru. I know now I've always been able to do that."
***
Rei woke up slowly, moaning as the light poked in through the windows and pierced her eyes. She looked around. Touji and Hikari were asleep on the floor. Pen Pen was sprawled among the cans and bottles on the table. Other than their snores, the apartment was soundless. Hikari had tried to clean up, but it didn't change anything.
She wasn't sure how many days it had been like this. Three? Four? She knew she shouldn't have done this... it wasn't like her. But it had all happened so fast. She just needed some way to slow things down, to accept what had happened. And possibly try to stop feeling guilty for it. But it just felt worse. She couldn't do this. She had to get up. She had to do something.
She had to pee.
She avoided looking at herself in the bathroom mirror until she finished. She knew how horrible she looked. Giving in and looking was only a pointless verification. Her skin and hair was dry and dirty, her eyes were red around the rim, and black bands had started to form beneath them. She thought she looked like Misato with a hangover.
Why did this have to happen? She hated not being able to understand it. Shinji was her friend. They were all her friends. Why did they have to be put through this? She tried to avoid thinking it, but the same damn thoughts of guilt and responsibility came, anyway. If she hadn't been in the fight, he wouldn't have had to save her from the Angel. If she didn't have this... thing inside of her, the Angel never would have come. It would have remained dead and buried beneath the earth where it belonged. If she had only burned up in the Impact, like she was supposed to.
She heard a sound come through the wall. It was a crash, in Shinji's room. She went, ignoring the sign on the door that threatened death to all who entered. She turned on the light, and was greeted by a loud German curse. Asuka lay sprawled out on the floor. The plate of food Hikari had left for her was spilled out next to her. She looked up.
"Damn it, Wonder Girl. Would you turn that light off?"
She bent down next to her, and helped her sit up. "What happened?"
"I got a cramp when I tried to stand up. Pathetic, huh?"
She wiped some crust off the side of her eye. "You shouldn't be in here like this. You look terrible."
"Stop being honest. You're one to point fingers. You look like you've been drinking for three days straight."
She nodded. "We shouldn't have done that. It was just ignoring the truth. It was stupid of us to hide away like this."
"I'm not hiding. I'm pissed off. That damn idiot went and... He told me he wouldn't..."
"Would you have preferred we all died, instead?"
She frowned up at her. "Damn it, don't you dare try using that. Of course I wouldn't. That doesn't mean he should have to die for it! Why does he have to be the one? I just want it to stop, Rei. We went through hell just so we could have this life. I just want us to keep it. I'm so tired of fighting just to have a life, and I hate him for being such an idiot and... and then I hate myself more for hating him, because I love him."
She stared at the floor as she spoke, unable to cry anymore. Her eyes strained from it. She looked up at Rei, the same girl she'd hated years before because she reminded her so much of what she had then feared. She knew from the look in her eyes that she felt the same.
"You don't believe he is dead, Asuka. It's not like you to give up so easily."
"You're right, I don't. But that's what makes it so much worse. I don't know where he is. I just want him back, Rei." She found it in herself to laugh. "Wow. A couple of years ago, I never would have guessed I'd be talking to you like this."
"Some things just change, Asuka. I still think you're strange."
"Good. I still think you're weird."
"Does that mean you'll come eat something?"
She stayed silent for a long time, but Rei waited patiently. "Shinji's right, you're too much like a mother." She stood up. "I never knew you could cook?"
She took Asuka by hand, and helped her out the door. "I can't. But I can make a salad."
***
His body hurt all over. He didn't remember leaving Eden, but he wasn't there, anymore. He simply thought it, and the next thing he knew, he was... He tilted his head. He laid flat on his back. To either side of him were sparse, windswept fields and distant mountains. The cold didn't reach his senses for some time. That was when he became aware of the figure standing over him, hidden in the light of the quickly setting sun. He covered his eyes, and slowly let them focus.
"I always wondered if you would come for me, someday. I suppose now is as good a time as any, isn't it?"
A tide of déjà vu and old memories surged through him, paralyzing his limbs. His lips formed the word of their own accord. "F-father?"
He looked old, and tired, but it was him. He'd recognize Gendo Ikari no matter what had weathering had changed the man. They stared at each other, until finally he said, "Are you going to lie there all day?"
He rolled over, and stood up. It wasn't a dream. He was standing here. It was as real as Kaoru and Eden had been. He was still wearing his plug suit. The cold started to bite into him, and he felt a pain in his back and legs. He looked around.
"Where are we?"
Gendo answered him, "Hokkaido. What's left of it. Come on, I dislike standing out here in the cold." He turned, and led him up a hill to a small, sturdy house. Inside was little warmer than outside. It was only a single room aside from the bathroom, with a small heater and a refrigerator powered by an electric generator. A futon in the corner, a table, a stove, and a small bookshelf were the only other decoration.
Gendo hung up his coat, and sat down at the small table on the floor. Shinji stood near the door, looking over everything. "What are you doing here?"
"I should be asking that question, it seems." He watched him. Shinji fidgeted, unsure of what to do. This was the first time he'd seen his father in the flesh in... almost five years. "You're wearing a plug suit. I wasn't aware NERV was still active."
He slowly sat down, trying not to let his nervousness show. "Misato's Commander, now. She's trying to make up for the things you... I mean... That's not what I meant."
"Is it?" He leaned forward, and steepled his fingers in his usual manner.
He didn't seem as intimidating, without the uniform and glasses. Seeing him without them only made Shinji confused. Was this really the man who had tried to remake the world?
He rubbed his eyes. "I... I was in a battle, with an Angel. They're back. Or at least the ones who were supposed to be dead are back. I mean..." He looked up. The only indication Gendo was paying any attention was his posture. His eyes were blank and encompassing. It was a look he'd seen somewhere else, right before the battle.
"It doesn't make any sense, I guess. But here I am."
His father nodded. "Here you are. Did you want to come here?"
"I did."
"Why? I didn't think there was anything left we had to say to each other." He stood, and walked over to the stove. "Are you hungry?"
Shinji stared at him. What did he mean? Of course there were still things to be said! That was the whole reason he came here! He looked out the window. The sun was almost gone. The evening had come so quickly. He wondered how much time had passed between now and the battle. He couldn't remember the date it was supposed to be.
"Yes, I am."
Gendo started to make dinner. "Are you here to kill me?"
He didn't answer.
They ate quietly. Shinji didn't take off his plug suit. It felt comfortable, after a while, and he remembered the tracking beacon Yoshi had recently implanted in the plug suits. He just couldn't remember when the hell the damn things activated. He told them it should be sooner, he remembered that.
Finally he looked directly at his father, and asked, "You didn't answer my question. Why did you come here?"
Gendo Ikari looked at him, and sighed. "You're not going to leave until I tell you, I assume?" He could tell from the look in the young man's eyes that he was right. "I didn't have very many other places to go. The other people who knew about Instrumentality, Seele especially, were looking for me. Being the man who ended the world puts you at the top of very many lists. I had no other reason to be with the rest of the world. I failed."
"Did you ever think it was a good thing you failed?"
"What would you know about it?"
He frowned. "I lived through it, remember? There are a lot of people who don't even know what it was you did, but I do."
He leaned forward again. "Really? Tell me."
He knew he was being patronized, but ignored it. "You failed because you tried to change something that didn't need to be changed, Father. Didn't you realize that? I did. I'm not saying what you did was wrong. I thanked you for it. It helped me realize who I am, what I can do. But you wanted to take it too far. What Instrumentality did was enough. It helped people realize that what was missing was never gone. It was just buried."
Gendo shook his head. "You think that is the answer?"
"I know it is."
He walked over to the bookcase, and came back with a large, thick black book. He placed it down on the table between them. Shinji looked at the silver cross on the cover.
"You really want to know the truth of everything I did, is that it? You want to know how all of this started." Shinji nodded. "It won't tell you how it's going to end, you know?"
"I have to know, Father. It won't be over at all until I can know what it is I'm putting behind me."
"Hmm. Just like your mother. You're right about one thing. I knew exactly what I was doing all along. There wasn't an action I made without already knowing what the consequences would be. Or I at the very least had an idea. Keel and the executive committee of Seele directed the Angels to an extent. They were souls split off from the creature we discovered in Antarctica. We found them after the Second Impact. We tracked them down and prepared the Evangelions for the day when they would be needed to destroy and replace the Angels, as was foretold in the Dead Sea Scrolls. That was why I allowed your mother to be absorbed into Eva. It was why I created Rei. I sent for you because I knew your connection to your mother would be the catalyst to awaken Eva Unit 01. I knew exactly what you were feeling inside. It was the same thing Katsuragi felt. That's why I picked her, as well. I put you in every situation against the Angels, and made you feel that pain, because it was necessary to awaken Eva. I had to lure your mother out to the surface just enough to awaken the soul of Lilith that was within Eva."
Shinji sat there listening, and felt himself burning. "So everything that happened to Touji... and Rei... and Asuka... you wanted that to happen? You hurt them just to hurt me?"
"I'd almost forgotten Sohryu. No, there was no guarantee you would work out, although I wanted it to be you. Asuka was just a back up. I didn't foresee her failure to endure it like you did. I also didn't foresee Rei growing such strong emotions for the two of us. But you're right about Suzuhara. I had to see if you would be able to endure killing the final Angel when the time came. Kaoru Nagisa was the last obstacle to Instrumentality. My only failure was not realizing that you could be the one to stop it. That was the one mistake. You awakening Eva was a part of completing Instrumentality. It's only natural that your connection with Rei would allow you to prevent it from coming to completion."
He pulled a cigarette from his pocket, lit it, and continued. "Of course I knew what I was doing when I seduced Dr. Akagi and her mother. I manipulated everyone, even Fuyutsuki, and even Seele. You were the most difficult to manipulate, you would probably be happy to know. You took the most work. You were so stubborn, so afraid to let go of your fear. You just wanted a father, after all. But I couldn't be a father to you, Shinji. I had to do what I did."
Shinji squeezed his fists. "How can you say that? You never even gave it a chance."
Gendo stared at him, and then slowly reached over and opened the Bible. In it was a hollow cavity, inside which sat a revolver. He lifted it out, and set it beside the book.
"I started everything, you know? I was responsible for the Second Impact. That was probably my one true crime, aside from killing Ritsuko's mother. We hadn't discovered only Adam beneath the ice. Lilith was there, too. None of those other fools could realize what it was, and what it meant. I was the only one who truly knew what it was. I recognized it. I knew it could be the key to filling the gaps in my soul, the same gaps in everyone's soul. That's why I took Lilith. I pulled her away from Adam. It woke him up, but it was only the first step. After that, I had no choice but to follow through with my plan. Our plan. It was the only way to undo what I'd done. I've manipulated everyone in my life for one single goal. And you, my son, took it away from me."
Shinji felt a rage inside of him. It mixed with his horror and hate for the actions of the man in front of him, driving him like a force beyond his self. He reached for the gun, and stood up. He pointed it at his father. Gendo only looked up at him. He pulled the hammer back.
"You. It was all your fault? Everything?"
He nodded. "Everything. The pain you went through, and the pain of your friends. Their pain and suffering and anger. Touji's accident, Rei's self-destruction, Asuka's break down. Even Misato's desire for vengeance. I created it all. I made them into exactly what I required them to be. Even you, and especially you, Son. You ruined everything I worked for. All their sacrifice, their pain, was in vain because you denied them the one thing that could make Humanity whole again."
Shinji stared at him down the barrel of the gun, his father's words echoing in his head. It was true. He knew it. The one thing his father never did was lie to him. Through everything that had happened, his father never lied to him. He didn't have a reason to. He was telling the truth. All of Misato's, and Rei's, and Touji's pain was his fault. Everything Asuka went through was his fault. He started it. It all had a beginning. He'd manipulated them all. He molded them into what he needed.
Shinji looked into Gendo Ikari's eyes, the man's words echoing in his ears.
He released the hammer on the gun. "Damn you. You're doing it to me again, aren't you?" He lowered it, and stood there, trying to let the anger go. "You want me to kill you. You want an executioner. Why? Because you blame me for your failure?"
Gendo frowned at him, refusing to answer.
His mind replayed all of his father's words and actions. Then it clicked. "You were afraid, weren't you? You wanted to be with Mother again. You didn't want to be alone. That's why you created Rei. So you could have your Instrumentality and be with her."
His father stared back, stone-faced. "It is your fault. I was with her. I remember. I was with her for that one perfect moment when I had it all. And then you took it away from me. You did something... you unraveled the key. You found the heart of it and released us. You had no right."
Shinji shook his head. "This is what you've become, then? A sad, broken old man?" He turned, and stopped at the door. "I won't martyr you, Father. I had to find my own way. Now you must find yours." He opened the door, and walked outside.
The wind bit at him, but he ignored it. He didn't know it could ever be this cold outside. He'd never experienced seasons, or chill winds, or even snow. He remembered reports saying that the ice caps might actually be reforming. That there was proof in some parts that the seasons were returning.
He walked out towards the dark, but only as far as the light would let him, and stared out. The stars and night sky were a pale blue, filled with the light of the moon. It reflected a ghostly light off the mountains around him, painting the landscape in whites and deeps shadows. He emptied the bullets of the revolver into his palm, and hurled them into the night.
He watched the night for some time. After a while, he heard a beeping sound come from his wrist. He looked down, and saw the small blue light blinking in time with the sound. He smiled at it.
"About damn time."
He slowly made his way back to the cabin. When he walked in, his father was reading a book. He didn't look up as his son sat back down, and placed the empty revolver back in its book.
"It was her idea," he said. "Yui originally came up with the theory of Instrumentality. She wanted you to live in a world where you didn't have to feel pain and suffering. She wanted you to be free."
Shinji shook his head. "I've said goodbye to her, Father. That's not freedom. I've taken something better from what you did. We all have. I'm in control of my life, now. I'll put everything you did behind me. I don't need it anymore."
***
Yoshi had been wandering the halls of Central Dogma for hours that morning. He was starting to think he really did live here. He thought about everything and nothing. He remembered when he first came here. He remembered first meeting the Eva pilots, meeting Misato, growing to know all them as people. It felt a lot longer than it really had been. Being here had impacted such a major part of his life. He felt afraid that something could threaten to tear that apart. He wondered if that was why he really feared the Angels.
He hadn't even touched the disk Dr. Akagi had given him. He helped Kensuke out with decoding the data from the spy's computer when he could, but his thoughts had become too distracting to ignore. He had to sort through them before he could be of any use. But he knew he couldn't just brood over them. Instrumentality had helped him much in the same way it had appeared to help Shinji. He had to choose how he was going to deal with this.
He decided to end this, and realized that he had to get back to work and help the pilots of Eva Team 01. That was the only thing he could do to help. It was unfair, but there it was. They depended on him to do that for them.
Then he looked up, and realized he was standing in the command center. Misato stood in front of a control panel, staring up at the screen. It was a map of the world, still and lifeless. The meters and readings beside it were equally dead.
He walked up beside her, and looked at the screen.
She sighed, and said, "I know it's stupid, but I'm not going to apologize for it."
He shook his head. "It's your job to worry about your pilots. No one would fault you."
"Maybe. But it feels like I could be doing something besides just standing here." She turned to him. "I guess we all have some explaining to do, though."
"I don't think he'd see it that way. I may not know Shinji as well as you, Misato, but I think I know him well enough to say he'd understand. He learned from you, after all."
"Would you stop saying things like that?"
"I can't help it. I'm stupidly honest." They laughed a little, to help kill the silence more than anything. "You love him, don't you?"
She looked back at the screen. "There's a lot I owe Shinji for. But I guess no guardian is perfect, right?"
"Mine certainly weren't. You only did the best you could, Misato. No one expected more from you than that."
"I know that. I just wish... I could have been more like the mother he deserved. Or maybe his sister. Sometimes I can't help but wonder how things might have been different, but in the end I'm glad things ended up like this. For all the misery we went through, I wouldn't want to live in any world but this one, where we get to choose for ourselves."
Yoshi smiled at her. "You have any idea how beautiful you are when you talk like that?"
They both blinked, and stared at each other.
He stammered, "I-I-mean, no! I wasn't trying, but... What I wanted to say was..." He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and opened them again. She was still staring at him. "I'm sorry, Misato. I should probably try getting some work done." He turned, but stopped when he felt her tug at his sleeve.
"Yoshi, wait." She took a breath herself. "I'm the one who should be sorry. You're the first person in a long time I've felt as close as this without having to be anything more, Yoshi. That's why I buried myself in work for so long. I was trying to be like my father, I guess."
He gently pulled her hand off his collar, but held on to it. "Come on, Misato. You know I believe in you."
"I know that, but I... I'm not saying that I don't have any interest in you."
"I wouldn't, I guess, if you were anyone else. But it's hard to ignore you sometimes, you know?"
"Thanks."
"If we survive this, you think...?"
"Maybe we-"
They jumped as the screen changed, and the beacon in Shinji's plug suit activated. They looked around, making sure no one had seen what had just happened, and then looked at the screen. Misato shouted in joy.
"He's alive!"
"How the hell did he get to Hokkaido?"
***
The apartment was quiet, but clean, for once. Hikari had worked hard when she woke up earlier, and Rei and Asuka helped her out. It felt good to see them awake and sober, not wallowing in their pain and booze. Touji went back to sleep with a hangover, after he made a mess of the bathroom. As punishment, she didn't stop Asuka from yelling at him. Pen Pen refused to move from his spot on the couch. She let it go. It was bad enough when Touji yelled at the penguin; if she started, she was afraid she'd have to commit herself.
When she woke up, the clock said it was two in the morning. That couldn't be right. She felt too awake for it to be 2:00 AM. Touji snored beside her. There was no point in waking him up. It wouldn't work. He slept just as hard as Asuka did when she had a hangover. He just wasn't as loud.
She crawled out of his room, and went to the kitchen. Maybe she could get started on breakfast. Yeah, just her and Pen Pen. She checked on the penguin. She realized that he probably had slept through Angel attacks. Okay, so it would just be her.
Before she could reach the fridge, the phone rang. She rushed to it.
"Yes? No, it's Hikari. What?"
She dropped the phone, and ran to Shinji's room.
"Asuka!"
She threw open the door. Asuka woke up, and Rei jump up from her futon.
"He's alive!"
***
Shinji stood out in the middle of the plain. His beacon was still working, but he wasn't sure how long it would take them to get here. The sun was rising, spreading the shadows of the mountains wide across the foothills. He could only wait for them to get here, hoping that the beacon would be picked up.
He turned his head when he first heard the sound of the helicopter in the distance. He smiled. Then he heard his father approach behind him.
"You're leaving, then?"
He nodded. "I'm going to end this. I promise you that, Father."
"Then this is the last we will see of each other. Goodbye, Shinji."
"Goodbye, Father. For the last time."
Gendo Ikari nodded, and walked back a few yards toward his house.
As the helicopter came closer, Shinji could make out the NERV insignia on the side. It was one of the few things about NERV Misato had left unchanged. She'd said that they still needed something to remind them of their past, no matter how painful it may be. They could put the pain behind them, but the lessons would always be with them. He hadn't quite understood what she'd meant by that until now.
The helicopter came around, and landed in front of him. Asuka jumped out before it had touched down, and ran at him at full speed. He realized too late that she had her arm pulled back. She slugged him in the chest, knocking him back.
"You idiot!"
He laughed, clutching his chest. "Ow! Damn it, Asuka. I thought you'd be happy to see me for once?"
She wrapped her arms around him. "I am, you idiot. Why do you think I hit you? If ever do something like that again, I swear I'm going to make you really regret it. You understand me? I meant it, Shinji. I love you too much to let you run off and get yourself killed."
He hugged her back. "I love you too. Thanks for coming to get me."
She took deep breaths, trying not to cry. She laughed, letting a few of the tears leak out. She looked over his shoulder, and saw the man standing further up the hill, watching them like a shadow from the past. "Shinji? Is that...?"
He didn't look back. "No, Asuka. It's only a ghost." She looked up at him, and nodded. "Come on, let's get home. I'm hungry."
They climbed on to the helicopter, and looked out the window on their trip back, watching the sunrise over the mountains and sea.
End Part 7
Author's Notes: Yes, I am aware that Gendo Ikari never smoked in the series. It's called artistic license. Deal with it. We never saw any proof that he didn't smoke, right? About the whole Rei/Adam/Lilith thing: I'm basing it off what I put together from the television series, and a little bit of what I know about the movies. I've never seen them, myself, but I know a little bit about what happened in them (the most I've used from them is back in part 6 when Misato is trying to remember what happened right before Third Impact). Sorry I didn't put Kitari in this one (I love writing the bastards ;)), but I promise he'll be here next time! If anyone has a problem with the Misato/Yoshi thing, deal with it. And I finally got to write the scene between Shinji and Gendo that has been the entire reason I wrote this in the first place! Bana!! And don't deny it, I'm sure plenty of you out there were rooting for him to pull the trigger. Anyway, these notes are adding a good 5k to this thing. Until next time, the usual complaint department is at loneshark707@hotmail.com. Let me know what you think! Slackers!
Neon Genesis Evangelion
Seraphim
by the Loneshark
Chapter 7: Thy God, the Martyr
Touji sat on the floor, and stared into space. It was all he could do to ignore the silence and keep it from swallowing him up. Static ran through his brain; anyone looking at him would think he was a vegetable. If they looked at the empty bottles lying on the table, they might call a hospital. He wasn't sure if all of them were his.
He couldn't quite remember anything beyond walking in the front door, after coming home from the battle. Asuka had grabbed the bottle of tequila before he could get to it, and disappeared into Shinji's room. Kensuke had stayed at NERV, devoting himself to working on discovering the true goals of the saboteur. Rei had actually joined him in obliterating brain cells, and had spent whatever hours she wasn't conscious asleep on the couch.
Hikari sat down beside him, and curled up on his lap.
"How is she?" He still wasn't sober. He actually worried about Asuka.
"She's asleep, again. I left her some food on the desk... hopefully she'll eat it."
He stared at the bottles. "I guess it was pretty stupid of us to loose control like this."
"It's been three days... and I still can't believe it. I mean, I know something like this has happened before, but..."
"Yeah, it was different then. We didn't know what was going on. We just knew that Shinji wasn't going to be at school for a while. Now..." He shook his head. He remembered being worried about his friend, when they told him that. No one would tell him the truth, no matter what he tried. He'd finally gotten Shinji to tell him the truth a couple of years ago. Knowing that he'd completely... assimilated with an Eva hadn't made it any easier.
And now they didn't know any more than they did back then. Shinji hadn't assimilated with the Eva. He hadn't reverted to the "primordial state," or whatever the hell it was. He was gone. Disappeared. An Angel had taken him while he was trying to protect his friends.
Touji sighed. "You know, the only thing he wanted to do was protect us. He felt like he had something to make up for. He looked Kitari straight in the eye and told him that he wouldn't let that happen again. And then the idiot had to go and keep his promise."
"Don't talk like that. Misato says he's still alive, Touji. It's not like you to give up on him."
"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry." He didn't have the spirit to even argue.
Damn it, Shinji. Just be alive. That's all we want.
***
The silence moved with a will of its own. It traveled down the hall, slipped under the door, and sat down beside her. Sometimes there would be a sound, like someone drawing breath, or whispering a name, and she'd look up, hoping to see him standing there. But there was only the silence.
She woke up briefly, and in that space between consciousness and dream, she saw him lying next to her. It jolted her awake, and he vanished. She fell back down, and cried again. The pillow was becoming a map of her tears.
Damn him. He promised he wouldn't do this. He promised her that. She'd let herself care for him, and let him care about her, and then he went and did something stupid. It was just like him. He always did this. Just when you thought he'd gotten it right, he would do something that made you wonder how he'd learned to walk without breaking his skull.
She would curse him, and cry. Then she would regret it, because she couldn't help but be in love with him. It made her cry again. He'd done it for them. That was one of the things she couldn't understand. If he cared so much about them, why did he always put himself in front of the danger? Didn't he know that they cared for him just as much? Didn't he know that?
She lifted her head out of the pillow, and looked at the desk. A picture of the two of them sat on it: in it, she stood behind him with her arms around his neck and her head on his shoulder. He smiled at the camera, his arms wrapped back around her. She couldn't remember when it had been taken, but he kept it there, all the same, even though he woke up to her almost every morning.
She reached up, and pulled the picture close to her, and fell asleep clutching it, covering it with tears.
***
Kensuke sat back for a moment only to rub his eyes clear. He'd fallen asleep working, again. He reached for his mug only to find it empty. So was the whole coffee pot. He picked it up, and found his way to the cafeteria. Yoshi had shown him how to bogart the coffee machine without getting in trouble. It was cheaper than pouring money into the vending machine.
He stood there, watching the coffee pour into the pot, and tried not to think. He acted on autopilot, moving through streams of data on the computer in a Zen trance. He didn't think about what was driving him; he only acted on it. But it kept crawling back into his mind, refusing to let him rest. Maybe he was just using this as a way to run from it.
He looked up at the sound of footsteps. Yoshi poked his head in the kitchen.
"So," he said, "you still haven't quit?"
Kensuke nodded. "Yeah. Where've you been? I haven't seen you in... five hours, maybe?"
Yoshi shook his head. "More like nine. I got some sleep. At least you're making the coffee. Misato's would just kill us."
"I heard that!" Misato called from the cafeteria. "Save me a cup, will ya?"
Both of them rolled their eyes, and waited for the pot to finish. They brought it out to the table, and sat down with Misato.
Kensuke ran his hands through his hair, ignoring his coffee. "Damn it, studying for exams has nothing on this."
"Not going too well, huh?" Misato sipped her coffee.
"It's part of that, and that the Magi just have so much information. I don't think I could understand even a quarter of it all."
Yoshi nodded. "Well, we're not looking for a quarter of it, so just take it easy." He drank his coffee, and looked at the two of them. It was plain on their faces, but they wouldn't say it. Did they not want to think about it? It might be better; Rei and Touji and the others weren't taking it well when they did think about it.
Misato put her mug down. "All right, Yoshi, what?"
He jumped. "S-sorry. I just... No one's said anything. I know it's not easy to think about it, but it's not like we should just run away from the truth."
"No one's running, Yoshi. We're all just dealing with it differently."
Kensuke shook his head. "I'm not running." They both looked at him. "I know what Shinji did was the right thing. If he hadn't gone out there, Rei would be dead. I can't believe he'd die, either. It just doesn't... I don't feel like he's dead. There's something telling me that he's alive." He looked up, his expression pleading for their understanding. He found it in them, and continued. "He did what he felt he had to do. And he believed in me. He believed I could help you guys find out what the spy was after. I don't want to let him down."
Yoshi smiled at him. "It looks like you're taking it better than the others."
"You can't really blame them," Misato said. "They're just trying to find a way to deal with it. To accept it. Hell, if feels like the only thing keeping me from joining them is the job." She stared at her coffee, and then looked at Kensuke. "You didn't put anything in this, did you?"
"Huh? No! I mean, I wouldn't, uh..."
She shook her head. "I'm opening up to you two way too much for this not to be spiked."
Yoshi sipped his. "Come on, Misato. You know it's not the job. You don't need it to hold you together. You and Shinji are the strongest ones here. It's the two of you who keep this place going."
She laughed. "You sure you got enough sleep?"
"I'm fine. I guess I'm just finally starting to see what's great about you. I mean, as a commander, I guess. I..."
Misato looked at him, and then tried to beat down the thoughts coming up from the back of her brain. It was just the grief and worry affecting her, that's it. "Yoshi, I-"
Kensuke snored. His head was buried in his arms. He'd fallen asleep without them even noticing.
Yoshi laughed, and stood up. "I'll get back to work. You should probably get some sleep, too."
"I'll be fine, Yoshi. Thanks." He stood there for a moment, and finally she said, "You think he's still alive?"
"I know you do. It will still be another two days before the emergency beacon in his plug suit activates. And Shinji's smart. He'll survive, Misato. You and Asuka should know that about him better than anyone." He picked up his coffee, and left.
Misato stayed, kept company by Kensuke's snoring. She wished she'd made the coffee, instead. It would work a lot better at keeping her awake. She didn't think about it long, since she collapsed against the table shortly after, and fell asleep.
***
This place was familiar to him. He'd seen it somewhere before. In a dream. A nightmare. But it couldn't be real. Could it? Was he really standing on some windswept piece of rock in the middle of... Where? There was only a blue-green sky around him. The ground seemed to go on forever. It was scarred and porous, like the landscape of a scenic wasteland.
A chuckle came from behind him. He turned, and froze at the sight.
"I knew we would meet again, Shinji." Kaoru sat on a rock, dressed in a shirt and jeans, smiling at him. It was the same look he wore the first time they'd met. The same smile that hinted he knew a secret no one else could. That he could really see you as a person. As who you were, deep inside.
Shinji stared at him, and finally managed to croak out his name. "Kaoru? But you're... you're dead."
He nodded. "That would appear to be the case."
Shinji looked back across the landscape. "Then am I dead? Is this Heaven, or Hell?"
Kaoru hopped off his rock, and stood beside him. "No, you're not dead, my friend. This is Eden, or at least what remains of it. It only exists as a memory, now. Humanity outgrew it long ago. In the waking world, it became the GeoFront, where NERV is based. Here, it is only a refuge."
Shinji looked at the gray, sunless horizon. Light came from the very essence of the place. He closed his eyes, and he could still see it. "A refuge for what?"
"For me. It was the only place I could go."
"This is where you went after I killed you?" He opened his eyes again. "Then what am I doing here? I can't remember..."
"Of course you can. Relax, and breathe. You always held your truths within you, Shinji. Search for them."
He closed his eyes again, and blocked out the landscape. "I remember... Rei. And I remember Eva. That's it. I was trying to help Rei. I pulled the Angel off her, and then it... what did it do, Kaoru? It vanished." He looked at the boy ghost. "How did I get here? Did the Angel do this? Am I trapped inside it, again?"
"Yes, and no. The Angel tried to escape you by changing where it existed. You got caught in its wake. You came here because you remember this place. All humans remember it."
A blue flash of light and water appeared in his brain. "Eva?" He looked around. "I... I felt Eva. Is she here?"
Kaoru shook his head. "No, she is not. You simply still retain your link to her in this place. Eva's true soul was severed from her physical form to facilitate Instrumentality. Eva as you now know her is truly what everyone thought them to be in the beginning: animal constructs, weapons."
He nodded. "I know that, I think. I couldn't feel my mother within Eva, after the Impact."
"That's because Eva is yours, now. All the Evas are bonded to their pilots. They were a reflection of humanity itself, of the beast within all of you. Instrumentality made them something else, now. All they need is your will to shape them."
"How do you know all that?"
"I'm Eden's caretaker, now. I have nothing better to do than watch you."
He laughed, and looked around again. This place felt so familiar to him, even though this was the first time he could remember seeing it. Right? Wait, that's not right. Was this the first time he'd been here?
"What am I really doing here, Kaoru?"
He laughed. "Don't ask me. You came here on your own, remember? Look around. See what it is you came here to find."
"I did come here to find something, didn't I? I wanted to find out why the Angels have come back. I wanted to know why they're after Rei."
The landscape flashed around him. Memories appeared in his eyes, covering the place. Memories of something else, of an event that didn't take place in Time. Memories of something that happened with the intent of changing the world. A new genesis for mankind.
Kaoru. I killed Kaoru. Kaoru was an Angel. Eva! I pilot Eva so others will be nice to me. But we are nice to you. I hate you! I hate myself! What is this place? You created it. A world without pain. Kaoru looked up at him, right before he died, and smiled. What's wrong with running from reality if it sucks? Misato? Where are you? There you go again, playing the martyr. You're pathetic! It's all in your own imagination. Maybe. It's true. Don't hate me. No one hates you. Now you've lost the ability to fly, but you can walk along the ground. You've given up some of your freedom for something you can feel. Your life can be whatever you want it to be. I understand now. None of them hate me. It's all in my mind. If I can love myself, then I will be okay. I can exist. I don't have to be afraid. Congratulations. Thank you, Father. Goodbye, Mother. Congratulations, everyone. Everyone.
"I remember. This is where it ended, isn't it? This is where Instrumentality ended. When I realized that I didn't have to be afraid, everyone was here, waiting for me." He looked to Kaoru, again. "That's when I decided to go back. I realized my father's vision wasn't my own. He couldn't... he had no right to decide the future. People have to chose it for themselves."
Kaoru smiled at him. "You're the reason I fell in love with Humanity, you know? You taught me how to be human."
He nodded, remembering. "I realized then what you were trying to teach me, you know? It was the same thing Kaji tried to tell me. I don't have to be afraid of the pain. I can endure it. It's my choice... I'll accept it."
"So is that what you were thinking when you tried to help Rei? You wanted to help her, and Asuka, and Touji. You wanted to be there for your friends. You wanted to do something to make up for things you still remember, that you're not proud of."
He nodded, and looked at his hand. "I'm not a martyr, Kaoru. But I did want to help them, because they're my friends. I shouldn't need any other reason. I can't change what I've done in the past, but I can accept it, and move on."
"Amazing."
He looked up. Kaoru was looking into him. "You really do love her, don't you?"
"I do. Why is that so amazing?"
"I find everything about humans amazing. I wasn't born to it. I learned how to be human from you. The Angels hate me because of it, but I don't care. Even if I am condemned to be Eden's caretaker for all eternity, I would rather do it as a human."
Shinji smiled, and then remembered something else that had to do with his being here. "Rei said she saw you in her dreams. What do you know about the Angels returning, Kaoru?"
His friend sighed, and sat back down on his rock. "I was trying to warn her about them. They want her, because she is still like what I was. A human with the essence of an Angel. Lilith was the mother of demons, and responsible for Instrumentality, but Adam is still alive. Only Adam can dictate the purpose of an Angel, because they come from him."
"That's what it was talking about?"
He nodded. "Rei is still Rei. She possesses her own soul. Instrumentality separated her from Adam. She can hold him, but only for as long as the Angels are kept from her."
"Then what are these Angels? I thought you were the last?"
"I don't know. Not every soul born from Adam survived. They maybe the ones thought dead, brought back to life by Adam. I thought I was the last. But they've found another way. I can not see the future, but I fear that it may hold something that even the Angels do not fully comprehend."
"I have to go back, Kaoru."
"This is Eden, Shinji. From here, you may do what you want. Sometimes humans need reminding where they came from. I'm glad you got to see it."
"Thank you." He looked around.
"What is it?"
"I think... there's still things I need to know. There are still questions I need to ask, before this is over. I know where I have to go."
"Then this is goodbye, my friend. Take care of yourself."
"Don't worry, Kaoru. I know now I've always been able to do that."
***
Rei woke up slowly, moaning as the light poked in through the windows and pierced her eyes. She looked around. Touji and Hikari were asleep on the floor. Pen Pen was sprawled among the cans and bottles on the table. Other than their snores, the apartment was soundless. Hikari had tried to clean up, but it didn't change anything.
She wasn't sure how many days it had been like this. Three? Four? She knew she shouldn't have done this... it wasn't like her. But it had all happened so fast. She just needed some way to slow things down, to accept what had happened. And possibly try to stop feeling guilty for it. But it just felt worse. She couldn't do this. She had to get up. She had to do something.
She had to pee.
She avoided looking at herself in the bathroom mirror until she finished. She knew how horrible she looked. Giving in and looking was only a pointless verification. Her skin and hair was dry and dirty, her eyes were red around the rim, and black bands had started to form beneath them. She thought she looked like Misato with a hangover.
Why did this have to happen? She hated not being able to understand it. Shinji was her friend. They were all her friends. Why did they have to be put through this? She tried to avoid thinking it, but the same damn thoughts of guilt and responsibility came, anyway. If she hadn't been in the fight, he wouldn't have had to save her from the Angel. If she didn't have this... thing inside of her, the Angel never would have come. It would have remained dead and buried beneath the earth where it belonged. If she had only burned up in the Impact, like she was supposed to.
She heard a sound come through the wall. It was a crash, in Shinji's room. She went, ignoring the sign on the door that threatened death to all who entered. She turned on the light, and was greeted by a loud German curse. Asuka lay sprawled out on the floor. The plate of food Hikari had left for her was spilled out next to her. She looked up.
"Damn it, Wonder Girl. Would you turn that light off?"
She bent down next to her, and helped her sit up. "What happened?"
"I got a cramp when I tried to stand up. Pathetic, huh?"
She wiped some crust off the side of her eye. "You shouldn't be in here like this. You look terrible."
"Stop being honest. You're one to point fingers. You look like you've been drinking for three days straight."
She nodded. "We shouldn't have done that. It was just ignoring the truth. It was stupid of us to hide away like this."
"I'm not hiding. I'm pissed off. That damn idiot went and... He told me he wouldn't..."
"Would you have preferred we all died, instead?"
She frowned up at her. "Damn it, don't you dare try using that. Of course I wouldn't. That doesn't mean he should have to die for it! Why does he have to be the one? I just want it to stop, Rei. We went through hell just so we could have this life. I just want us to keep it. I'm so tired of fighting just to have a life, and I hate him for being such an idiot and... and then I hate myself more for hating him, because I love him."
She stared at the floor as she spoke, unable to cry anymore. Her eyes strained from it. She looked up at Rei, the same girl she'd hated years before because she reminded her so much of what she had then feared. She knew from the look in her eyes that she felt the same.
"You don't believe he is dead, Asuka. It's not like you to give up so easily."
"You're right, I don't. But that's what makes it so much worse. I don't know where he is. I just want him back, Rei." She found it in herself to laugh. "Wow. A couple of years ago, I never would have guessed I'd be talking to you like this."
"Some things just change, Asuka. I still think you're strange."
"Good. I still think you're weird."
"Does that mean you'll come eat something?"
She stayed silent for a long time, but Rei waited patiently. "Shinji's right, you're too much like a mother." She stood up. "I never knew you could cook?"
She took Asuka by hand, and helped her out the door. "I can't. But I can make a salad."
***
His body hurt all over. He didn't remember leaving Eden, but he wasn't there, anymore. He simply thought it, and the next thing he knew, he was... He tilted his head. He laid flat on his back. To either side of him were sparse, windswept fields and distant mountains. The cold didn't reach his senses for some time. That was when he became aware of the figure standing over him, hidden in the light of the quickly setting sun. He covered his eyes, and slowly let them focus.
"I always wondered if you would come for me, someday. I suppose now is as good a time as any, isn't it?"
A tide of déjà vu and old memories surged through him, paralyzing his limbs. His lips formed the word of their own accord. "F-father?"
He looked old, and tired, but it was him. He'd recognize Gendo Ikari no matter what had weathering had changed the man. They stared at each other, until finally he said, "Are you going to lie there all day?"
He rolled over, and stood up. It wasn't a dream. He was standing here. It was as real as Kaoru and Eden had been. He was still wearing his plug suit. The cold started to bite into him, and he felt a pain in his back and legs. He looked around.
"Where are we?"
Gendo answered him, "Hokkaido. What's left of it. Come on, I dislike standing out here in the cold." He turned, and led him up a hill to a small, sturdy house. Inside was little warmer than outside. It was only a single room aside from the bathroom, with a small heater and a refrigerator powered by an electric generator. A futon in the corner, a table, a stove, and a small bookshelf were the only other decoration.
Gendo hung up his coat, and sat down at the small table on the floor. Shinji stood near the door, looking over everything. "What are you doing here?"
"I should be asking that question, it seems." He watched him. Shinji fidgeted, unsure of what to do. This was the first time he'd seen his father in the flesh in... almost five years. "You're wearing a plug suit. I wasn't aware NERV was still active."
He slowly sat down, trying not to let his nervousness show. "Misato's Commander, now. She's trying to make up for the things you... I mean... That's not what I meant."
"Is it?" He leaned forward, and steepled his fingers in his usual manner.
He didn't seem as intimidating, without the uniform and glasses. Seeing him without them only made Shinji confused. Was this really the man who had tried to remake the world?
He rubbed his eyes. "I... I was in a battle, with an Angel. They're back. Or at least the ones who were supposed to be dead are back. I mean..." He looked up. The only indication Gendo was paying any attention was his posture. His eyes were blank and encompassing. It was a look he'd seen somewhere else, right before the battle.
"It doesn't make any sense, I guess. But here I am."
His father nodded. "Here you are. Did you want to come here?"
"I did."
"Why? I didn't think there was anything left we had to say to each other." He stood, and walked over to the stove. "Are you hungry?"
Shinji stared at him. What did he mean? Of course there were still things to be said! That was the whole reason he came here! He looked out the window. The sun was almost gone. The evening had come so quickly. He wondered how much time had passed between now and the battle. He couldn't remember the date it was supposed to be.
"Yes, I am."
Gendo started to make dinner. "Are you here to kill me?"
He didn't answer.
They ate quietly. Shinji didn't take off his plug suit. It felt comfortable, after a while, and he remembered the tracking beacon Yoshi had recently implanted in the plug suits. He just couldn't remember when the hell the damn things activated. He told them it should be sooner, he remembered that.
Finally he looked directly at his father, and asked, "You didn't answer my question. Why did you come here?"
Gendo Ikari looked at him, and sighed. "You're not going to leave until I tell you, I assume?" He could tell from the look in the young man's eyes that he was right. "I didn't have very many other places to go. The other people who knew about Instrumentality, Seele especially, were looking for me. Being the man who ended the world puts you at the top of very many lists. I had no other reason to be with the rest of the world. I failed."
"Did you ever think it was a good thing you failed?"
"What would you know about it?"
He frowned. "I lived through it, remember? There are a lot of people who don't even know what it was you did, but I do."
He leaned forward again. "Really? Tell me."
He knew he was being patronized, but ignored it. "You failed because you tried to change something that didn't need to be changed, Father. Didn't you realize that? I did. I'm not saying what you did was wrong. I thanked you for it. It helped me realize who I am, what I can do. But you wanted to take it too far. What Instrumentality did was enough. It helped people realize that what was missing was never gone. It was just buried."
Gendo shook his head. "You think that is the answer?"
"I know it is."
He walked over to the bookcase, and came back with a large, thick black book. He placed it down on the table between them. Shinji looked at the silver cross on the cover.
"You really want to know the truth of everything I did, is that it? You want to know how all of this started." Shinji nodded. "It won't tell you how it's going to end, you know?"
"I have to know, Father. It won't be over at all until I can know what it is I'm putting behind me."
"Hmm. Just like your mother. You're right about one thing. I knew exactly what I was doing all along. There wasn't an action I made without already knowing what the consequences would be. Or I at the very least had an idea. Keel and the executive committee of Seele directed the Angels to an extent. They were souls split off from the creature we discovered in Antarctica. We found them after the Second Impact. We tracked them down and prepared the Evangelions for the day when they would be needed to destroy and replace the Angels, as was foretold in the Dead Sea Scrolls. That was why I allowed your mother to be absorbed into Eva. It was why I created Rei. I sent for you because I knew your connection to your mother would be the catalyst to awaken Eva Unit 01. I knew exactly what you were feeling inside. It was the same thing Katsuragi felt. That's why I picked her, as well. I put you in every situation against the Angels, and made you feel that pain, because it was necessary to awaken Eva. I had to lure your mother out to the surface just enough to awaken the soul of Lilith that was within Eva."
Shinji sat there listening, and felt himself burning. "So everything that happened to Touji... and Rei... and Asuka... you wanted that to happen? You hurt them just to hurt me?"
"I'd almost forgotten Sohryu. No, there was no guarantee you would work out, although I wanted it to be you. Asuka was just a back up. I didn't foresee her failure to endure it like you did. I also didn't foresee Rei growing such strong emotions for the two of us. But you're right about Suzuhara. I had to see if you would be able to endure killing the final Angel when the time came. Kaoru Nagisa was the last obstacle to Instrumentality. My only failure was not realizing that you could be the one to stop it. That was the one mistake. You awakening Eva was a part of completing Instrumentality. It's only natural that your connection with Rei would allow you to prevent it from coming to completion."
He pulled a cigarette from his pocket, lit it, and continued. "Of course I knew what I was doing when I seduced Dr. Akagi and her mother. I manipulated everyone, even Fuyutsuki, and even Seele. You were the most difficult to manipulate, you would probably be happy to know. You took the most work. You were so stubborn, so afraid to let go of your fear. You just wanted a father, after all. But I couldn't be a father to you, Shinji. I had to do what I did."
Shinji squeezed his fists. "How can you say that? You never even gave it a chance."
Gendo stared at him, and then slowly reached over and opened the Bible. In it was a hollow cavity, inside which sat a revolver. He lifted it out, and set it beside the book.
"I started everything, you know? I was responsible for the Second Impact. That was probably my one true crime, aside from killing Ritsuko's mother. We hadn't discovered only Adam beneath the ice. Lilith was there, too. None of those other fools could realize what it was, and what it meant. I was the only one who truly knew what it was. I recognized it. I knew it could be the key to filling the gaps in my soul, the same gaps in everyone's soul. That's why I took Lilith. I pulled her away from Adam. It woke him up, but it was only the first step. After that, I had no choice but to follow through with my plan. Our plan. It was the only way to undo what I'd done. I've manipulated everyone in my life for one single goal. And you, my son, took it away from me."
Shinji felt a rage inside of him. It mixed with his horror and hate for the actions of the man in front of him, driving him like a force beyond his self. He reached for the gun, and stood up. He pointed it at his father. Gendo only looked up at him. He pulled the hammer back.
"You. It was all your fault? Everything?"
He nodded. "Everything. The pain you went through, and the pain of your friends. Their pain and suffering and anger. Touji's accident, Rei's self-destruction, Asuka's break down. Even Misato's desire for vengeance. I created it all. I made them into exactly what I required them to be. Even you, and especially you, Son. You ruined everything I worked for. All their sacrifice, their pain, was in vain because you denied them the one thing that could make Humanity whole again."
Shinji stared at him down the barrel of the gun, his father's words echoing in his head. It was true. He knew it. The one thing his father never did was lie to him. Through everything that had happened, his father never lied to him. He didn't have a reason to. He was telling the truth. All of Misato's, and Rei's, and Touji's pain was his fault. Everything Asuka went through was his fault. He started it. It all had a beginning. He'd manipulated them all. He molded them into what he needed.
Shinji looked into Gendo Ikari's eyes, the man's words echoing in his ears.
He released the hammer on the gun. "Damn you. You're doing it to me again, aren't you?" He lowered it, and stood there, trying to let the anger go. "You want me to kill you. You want an executioner. Why? Because you blame me for your failure?"
Gendo frowned at him, refusing to answer.
His mind replayed all of his father's words and actions. Then it clicked. "You were afraid, weren't you? You wanted to be with Mother again. You didn't want to be alone. That's why you created Rei. So you could have your Instrumentality and be with her."
His father stared back, stone-faced. "It is your fault. I was with her. I remember. I was with her for that one perfect moment when I had it all. And then you took it away from me. You did something... you unraveled the key. You found the heart of it and released us. You had no right."
Shinji shook his head. "This is what you've become, then? A sad, broken old man?" He turned, and stopped at the door. "I won't martyr you, Father. I had to find my own way. Now you must find yours." He opened the door, and walked outside.
The wind bit at him, but he ignored it. He didn't know it could ever be this cold outside. He'd never experienced seasons, or chill winds, or even snow. He remembered reports saying that the ice caps might actually be reforming. That there was proof in some parts that the seasons were returning.
He walked out towards the dark, but only as far as the light would let him, and stared out. The stars and night sky were a pale blue, filled with the light of the moon. It reflected a ghostly light off the mountains around him, painting the landscape in whites and deeps shadows. He emptied the bullets of the revolver into his palm, and hurled them into the night.
He watched the night for some time. After a while, he heard a beeping sound come from his wrist. He looked down, and saw the small blue light blinking in time with the sound. He smiled at it.
"About damn time."
He slowly made his way back to the cabin. When he walked in, his father was reading a book. He didn't look up as his son sat back down, and placed the empty revolver back in its book.
"It was her idea," he said. "Yui originally came up with the theory of Instrumentality. She wanted you to live in a world where you didn't have to feel pain and suffering. She wanted you to be free."
Shinji shook his head. "I've said goodbye to her, Father. That's not freedom. I've taken something better from what you did. We all have. I'm in control of my life, now. I'll put everything you did behind me. I don't need it anymore."
***
Yoshi had been wandering the halls of Central Dogma for hours that morning. He was starting to think he really did live here. He thought about everything and nothing. He remembered when he first came here. He remembered first meeting the Eva pilots, meeting Misato, growing to know all them as people. It felt a lot longer than it really had been. Being here had impacted such a major part of his life. He felt afraid that something could threaten to tear that apart. He wondered if that was why he really feared the Angels.
He hadn't even touched the disk Dr. Akagi had given him. He helped Kensuke out with decoding the data from the spy's computer when he could, but his thoughts had become too distracting to ignore. He had to sort through them before he could be of any use. But he knew he couldn't just brood over them. Instrumentality had helped him much in the same way it had appeared to help Shinji. He had to choose how he was going to deal with this.
He decided to end this, and realized that he had to get back to work and help the pilots of Eva Team 01. That was the only thing he could do to help. It was unfair, but there it was. They depended on him to do that for them.
Then he looked up, and realized he was standing in the command center. Misato stood in front of a control panel, staring up at the screen. It was a map of the world, still and lifeless. The meters and readings beside it were equally dead.
He walked up beside her, and looked at the screen.
She sighed, and said, "I know it's stupid, but I'm not going to apologize for it."
He shook his head. "It's your job to worry about your pilots. No one would fault you."
"Maybe. But it feels like I could be doing something besides just standing here." She turned to him. "I guess we all have some explaining to do, though."
"I don't think he'd see it that way. I may not know Shinji as well as you, Misato, but I think I know him well enough to say he'd understand. He learned from you, after all."
"Would you stop saying things like that?"
"I can't help it. I'm stupidly honest." They laughed a little, to help kill the silence more than anything. "You love him, don't you?"
She looked back at the screen. "There's a lot I owe Shinji for. But I guess no guardian is perfect, right?"
"Mine certainly weren't. You only did the best you could, Misato. No one expected more from you than that."
"I know that. I just wish... I could have been more like the mother he deserved. Or maybe his sister. Sometimes I can't help but wonder how things might have been different, but in the end I'm glad things ended up like this. For all the misery we went through, I wouldn't want to live in any world but this one, where we get to choose for ourselves."
Yoshi smiled at her. "You have any idea how beautiful you are when you talk like that?"
They both blinked, and stared at each other.
He stammered, "I-I-mean, no! I wasn't trying, but... What I wanted to say was..." He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and opened them again. She was still staring at him. "I'm sorry, Misato. I should probably try getting some work done." He turned, but stopped when he felt her tug at his sleeve.
"Yoshi, wait." She took a breath herself. "I'm the one who should be sorry. You're the first person in a long time I've felt as close as this without having to be anything more, Yoshi. That's why I buried myself in work for so long. I was trying to be like my father, I guess."
He gently pulled her hand off his collar, but held on to it. "Come on, Misato. You know I believe in you."
"I know that, but I... I'm not saying that I don't have any interest in you."
"I wouldn't, I guess, if you were anyone else. But it's hard to ignore you sometimes, you know?"
"Thanks."
"If we survive this, you think...?"
"Maybe we-"
They jumped as the screen changed, and the beacon in Shinji's plug suit activated. They looked around, making sure no one had seen what had just happened, and then looked at the screen. Misato shouted in joy.
"He's alive!"
"How the hell did he get to Hokkaido?"
***
The apartment was quiet, but clean, for once. Hikari had worked hard when she woke up earlier, and Rei and Asuka helped her out. It felt good to see them awake and sober, not wallowing in their pain and booze. Touji went back to sleep with a hangover, after he made a mess of the bathroom. As punishment, she didn't stop Asuka from yelling at him. Pen Pen refused to move from his spot on the couch. She let it go. It was bad enough when Touji yelled at the penguin; if she started, she was afraid she'd have to commit herself.
When she woke up, the clock said it was two in the morning. That couldn't be right. She felt too awake for it to be 2:00 AM. Touji snored beside her. There was no point in waking him up. It wouldn't work. He slept just as hard as Asuka did when she had a hangover. He just wasn't as loud.
She crawled out of his room, and went to the kitchen. Maybe she could get started on breakfast. Yeah, just her and Pen Pen. She checked on the penguin. She realized that he probably had slept through Angel attacks. Okay, so it would just be her.
Before she could reach the fridge, the phone rang. She rushed to it.
"Yes? No, it's Hikari. What?"
She dropped the phone, and ran to Shinji's room.
"Asuka!"
She threw open the door. Asuka woke up, and Rei jump up from her futon.
"He's alive!"
***
Shinji stood out in the middle of the plain. His beacon was still working, but he wasn't sure how long it would take them to get here. The sun was rising, spreading the shadows of the mountains wide across the foothills. He could only wait for them to get here, hoping that the beacon would be picked up.
He turned his head when he first heard the sound of the helicopter in the distance. He smiled. Then he heard his father approach behind him.
"You're leaving, then?"
He nodded. "I'm going to end this. I promise you that, Father."
"Then this is the last we will see of each other. Goodbye, Shinji."
"Goodbye, Father. For the last time."
Gendo Ikari nodded, and walked back a few yards toward his house.
As the helicopter came closer, Shinji could make out the NERV insignia on the side. It was one of the few things about NERV Misato had left unchanged. She'd said that they still needed something to remind them of their past, no matter how painful it may be. They could put the pain behind them, but the lessons would always be with them. He hadn't quite understood what she'd meant by that until now.
The helicopter came around, and landed in front of him. Asuka jumped out before it had touched down, and ran at him at full speed. He realized too late that she had her arm pulled back. She slugged him in the chest, knocking him back.
"You idiot!"
He laughed, clutching his chest. "Ow! Damn it, Asuka. I thought you'd be happy to see me for once?"
She wrapped her arms around him. "I am, you idiot. Why do you think I hit you? If ever do something like that again, I swear I'm going to make you really regret it. You understand me? I meant it, Shinji. I love you too much to let you run off and get yourself killed."
He hugged her back. "I love you too. Thanks for coming to get me."
She took deep breaths, trying not to cry. She laughed, letting a few of the tears leak out. She looked over his shoulder, and saw the man standing further up the hill, watching them like a shadow from the past. "Shinji? Is that...?"
He didn't look back. "No, Asuka. It's only a ghost." She looked up at him, and nodded. "Come on, let's get home. I'm hungry."
They climbed on to the helicopter, and looked out the window on their trip back, watching the sunrise over the mountains and sea.
End Part 7
Author's Notes: Yes, I am aware that Gendo Ikari never smoked in the series. It's called artistic license. Deal with it. We never saw any proof that he didn't smoke, right? About the whole Rei/Adam/Lilith thing: I'm basing it off what I put together from the television series, and a little bit of what I know about the movies. I've never seen them, myself, but I know a little bit about what happened in them (the most I've used from them is back in part 6 when Misato is trying to remember what happened right before Third Impact). Sorry I didn't put Kitari in this one (I love writing the bastards ;)), but I promise he'll be here next time! If anyone has a problem with the Misato/Yoshi thing, deal with it. And I finally got to write the scene between Shinji and Gendo that has been the entire reason I wrote this in the first place! Bana!! And don't deny it, I'm sure plenty of you out there were rooting for him to pull the trigger. Anyway, these notes are adding a good 5k to this thing. Until next time, the usual complaint department is at loneshark707@hotmail.com. Let me know what you think! Slackers!