~ Part 8 ~
"You're a big boy Spike. All you gotta do is stand up there, place the ring on her finger, a little peck on the lips and it's all over." He was speaking to the empty air as he laced up his shoes, no boots today, trying to eliminate the uneasiness that was hanging about. He knew what it was there for. "Well, that's what she's expecting anyway. This whole thing to end today and mean nothing."
He tugged a little harder on the laces, beginning to hear the start of threads shredding. Loosening his grip on the strings, they fell limply to the concrete floor. "Always left being someone's nothing aren't you?"
Her hair upswept and the pearls delicately resting on her collarbones she'd found herself growing misty as she saw her reflection in the mirror. This was her wedding, and it really had stopped mattering that it was Spike. Because she was happy, genuinely, for the first time in much too long. Because he had made her this way and she knew that something different had been inside her heart for awhile now.
While she was standing alone here, she could admit to herself that she felt like she'd been rescued by her knight in shinning armor and had the gown to prove it. The princess in the fairytale who escaped from the dank tower into the waiting arms of her prince and would get to live the rest of her life in a castle happily ever after when the stallion had carried them both away towards the horizon.
But the second anyone else joined her, the picture would change and she'd tell herself that she saw that the shield and chest piece were rusted and covered in clumps of mud and grass. That the prince was actually a sad substitution riding on a tired donkey and that the sordid tower had simply led her into an even darker tunnel. Her dress would get torn and covered in blood and soot and moisture and there would be no castles or rides into the sunset or joy when it all finally ended.
Because the moment someone else was there, she'd have to view it all that way. Because she couldn't let them know that she had been lying all along. She wasn't sure she was ready to stop yet, but maybe he would help her with that.
She smiled to herself as she turned once more in front of the reflective glass.
Dawn came and took her sister's arm in her own. "This is really stupid, but I want to give you away. I know you wanted Giles or Mom," her voice caught slightly and she took a deep breath while she wiped at her nose with the back of her hand "but you're doing all this for me because I'm family so I want to do this for you. So please, if you don't mind."
Buffy felt the tears pricking at her eyes again, knew her nose probably looked as pink as Dawn's. "I'd love to have you escort me." Her voice was thick and she felt a single bead of moisture slip down the curve of her nose. She didn't move to brush it away. Instead, she pulled the front of her veil over her face.
"Are you ready?"
"As I'll ever be." With that, the two girls began to walk in unison. One still young with so much life yet to be seen, heading towards the experiences that would shape her as a woman later on. The other not so much older in years, but aged none the less by her longer past, taking more steps towards her adulthood. The same stride, each as eager or perhaps reluctant to reach the destination. The bond of blood connected them, and when one of the hands began to shake, the other knew just the right pressure to apply.
They reached the end of the walkway, the light click of heels still echoing quietly in the mostly empty courtroom. Dawn kissed her sister's cheek. "Thank you." She whispered, before taking her seat next to Tara.
Buffy turned to face Spike, and he lifted the veil that was shielding her. She took him in, in his tuxedo with polished shoes and a black tie. She'd never seen him like this before, and yet it wasn't surprising or odd to her at all. They fit, like this, all dressed up with great places to go. Bride and Groom. Husband and Wife.
His thumb slowly brushed over the lone tear and he smiled at her, but with depressed blue eyes. She took his hand in hers and smiled back, hoping the merriment was visible in her whole face, but it couldn't have been, as he broke her gaze and instead turned towards the judge. She felt the burning build as her eyelids furiously blinked.
"We're gathered here today." She couldn't hear his voice anymore. She watched Spike the whole time, wanting to split open when she saw him struggle to control his voice and his emotions. There was no one else in the room but him and her, and it seemed as though he wasn't interested.
Obediently she offered her hand to take her ring and placed his on his finger when she was instructed to. She repeated the parts she was supposed to repeat. She said she'd love, honor and cherish and knew that before a few days ago these would have been lies, but they weren't to her anymore. She knew he thought they were.
"You may now kiss the bride." She waited, hoping for him to just melt into her, pushing her backwards so her spine arched over his arms. For him to unleash his passion for her, tongue probing between her lips so that she could show him that there was love when she kissed him back. When he tasted it on her mouth. When he'd pull away at last so she could breathe and it would be evident all over her face. But he only leaned in and brushed his cool lips against her own.
This was her fault, and she knew it. All of those hateful words to his face and behind his back had finally had a consequence that she bothered to take notice of. She couldn't stop it anymore, and the rain trickled down her cheeks. Willow came and hugged her and Tara and Dawn, but Spike only stood there, and watched. He pulled a pack of Marlboros from his jacket pocket and motioned for the door.
Watching him walking away she knew for the first time what it felt like to be him, the one always being left behind. But she couldn't let him know or her friends or her family. She was the Slayer, she was strong and this was her burden to bear. What was one more on the heap?
The sobs continued, and she was cooed over and rubbed on the back like an unquiet baby, but it didn't help. She only wanted his arms, and he would never bring them now and there was no way she could ask for them. So she sniffled into the wrinkled tissue Dawn had handed her and hiccuped as she tried to catch her breath.
Outside, he dragged slowly on a cigarette, wiping knuckles across his dampened face. "Knew this was all for nothing. She's never going to care about me and I've ruined her life. Nice way to treat the woman I love." He flicked the butt into the gutter and stood there alone, bleached hair almost luminescent in the streetlight. If she could have seen him now, she would have told him he was shining. Her armor in the night.
"You're a big boy Spike. All you gotta do is stand up there, place the ring on her finger, a little peck on the lips and it's all over." He was speaking to the empty air as he laced up his shoes, no boots today, trying to eliminate the uneasiness that was hanging about. He knew what it was there for. "Well, that's what she's expecting anyway. This whole thing to end today and mean nothing."
He tugged a little harder on the laces, beginning to hear the start of threads shredding. Loosening his grip on the strings, they fell limply to the concrete floor. "Always left being someone's nothing aren't you?"
Her hair upswept and the pearls delicately resting on her collarbones she'd found herself growing misty as she saw her reflection in the mirror. This was her wedding, and it really had stopped mattering that it was Spike. Because she was happy, genuinely, for the first time in much too long. Because he had made her this way and she knew that something different had been inside her heart for awhile now.
While she was standing alone here, she could admit to herself that she felt like she'd been rescued by her knight in shinning armor and had the gown to prove it. The princess in the fairytale who escaped from the dank tower into the waiting arms of her prince and would get to live the rest of her life in a castle happily ever after when the stallion had carried them both away towards the horizon.
But the second anyone else joined her, the picture would change and she'd tell herself that she saw that the shield and chest piece were rusted and covered in clumps of mud and grass. That the prince was actually a sad substitution riding on a tired donkey and that the sordid tower had simply led her into an even darker tunnel. Her dress would get torn and covered in blood and soot and moisture and there would be no castles or rides into the sunset or joy when it all finally ended.
Because the moment someone else was there, she'd have to view it all that way. Because she couldn't let them know that she had been lying all along. She wasn't sure she was ready to stop yet, but maybe he would help her with that.
She smiled to herself as she turned once more in front of the reflective glass.
Dawn came and took her sister's arm in her own. "This is really stupid, but I want to give you away. I know you wanted Giles or Mom," her voice caught slightly and she took a deep breath while she wiped at her nose with the back of her hand "but you're doing all this for me because I'm family so I want to do this for you. So please, if you don't mind."
Buffy felt the tears pricking at her eyes again, knew her nose probably looked as pink as Dawn's. "I'd love to have you escort me." Her voice was thick and she felt a single bead of moisture slip down the curve of her nose. She didn't move to brush it away. Instead, she pulled the front of her veil over her face.
"Are you ready?"
"As I'll ever be." With that, the two girls began to walk in unison. One still young with so much life yet to be seen, heading towards the experiences that would shape her as a woman later on. The other not so much older in years, but aged none the less by her longer past, taking more steps towards her adulthood. The same stride, each as eager or perhaps reluctant to reach the destination. The bond of blood connected them, and when one of the hands began to shake, the other knew just the right pressure to apply.
They reached the end of the walkway, the light click of heels still echoing quietly in the mostly empty courtroom. Dawn kissed her sister's cheek. "Thank you." She whispered, before taking her seat next to Tara.
Buffy turned to face Spike, and he lifted the veil that was shielding her. She took him in, in his tuxedo with polished shoes and a black tie. She'd never seen him like this before, and yet it wasn't surprising or odd to her at all. They fit, like this, all dressed up with great places to go. Bride and Groom. Husband and Wife.
His thumb slowly brushed over the lone tear and he smiled at her, but with depressed blue eyes. She took his hand in hers and smiled back, hoping the merriment was visible in her whole face, but it couldn't have been, as he broke her gaze and instead turned towards the judge. She felt the burning build as her eyelids furiously blinked.
"We're gathered here today." She couldn't hear his voice anymore. She watched Spike the whole time, wanting to split open when she saw him struggle to control his voice and his emotions. There was no one else in the room but him and her, and it seemed as though he wasn't interested.
Obediently she offered her hand to take her ring and placed his on his finger when she was instructed to. She repeated the parts she was supposed to repeat. She said she'd love, honor and cherish and knew that before a few days ago these would have been lies, but they weren't to her anymore. She knew he thought they were.
"You may now kiss the bride." She waited, hoping for him to just melt into her, pushing her backwards so her spine arched over his arms. For him to unleash his passion for her, tongue probing between her lips so that she could show him that there was love when she kissed him back. When he tasted it on her mouth. When he'd pull away at last so she could breathe and it would be evident all over her face. But he only leaned in and brushed his cool lips against her own.
This was her fault, and she knew it. All of those hateful words to his face and behind his back had finally had a consequence that she bothered to take notice of. She couldn't stop it anymore, and the rain trickled down her cheeks. Willow came and hugged her and Tara and Dawn, but Spike only stood there, and watched. He pulled a pack of Marlboros from his jacket pocket and motioned for the door.
Watching him walking away she knew for the first time what it felt like to be him, the one always being left behind. But she couldn't let him know or her friends or her family. She was the Slayer, she was strong and this was her burden to bear. What was one more on the heap?
The sobs continued, and she was cooed over and rubbed on the back like an unquiet baby, but it didn't help. She only wanted his arms, and he would never bring them now and there was no way she could ask for them. So she sniffled into the wrinkled tissue Dawn had handed her and hiccuped as she tried to catch her breath.
Outside, he dragged slowly on a cigarette, wiping knuckles across his dampened face. "Knew this was all for nothing. She's never going to care about me and I've ruined her life. Nice way to treat the woman I love." He flicked the butt into the gutter and stood there alone, bleached hair almost luminescent in the streetlight. If she could have seen him now, she would have told him he was shining. Her armor in the night.