Wavering
By columbiachica (kat2005)
Author's Note: Starts during the fight in the study in "Swan Song," and continues from there.
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"Well, you like making up stories in your head, so this should be easy for you."
Rory's arm shot out and she grabbed Jess' arm, yanking him roughly in her direction. "Jess!" she hissed, dragging him back into the study. "You can't leave!"
"And you're going to stop me?"
"Quit it!" Rory said, upset. "Why are you being like this?"
"You're asking for it," Jess said coldly.
"How?"
"Quit nagging me! How old are you? Three? Jesus." Jess exhaled loudly.
Hurt, Rory withdrew her hand and crossed her arms in front of her chest. She looked to the floor and studied the patterns of the rug underneath their feet. She was clueless as to handle this; she wished Lorelai were here. "Fine," she said finally. "I'll just tell my grandmother that I'm three and my boyfriend is no good with children." Her tone had an extra bite on the edge.
Jess didn't say anything. With her peripheral vision, Rory saw him drag a hand through his hair and hang his head. "She's waiting." He opened the study door and left.
Rory licked her lips and took a deep breath, deciding what to tell her grandmother. Emily would probably ask her all sorts of questions about her relationship with Jess, and Rory realized that she really didn't want to answer any of them. If her grandma asked, Rory concluded, she'd just tell her that Jess remembered he had something else to do. Flimsy, yes, but better than nothing. Rory left the study, shutting the door behind her with a soft click.
When she got back to the table, her jaw almost fell off. Jess and her grandmother were sitting at the table, picking at their salads and exhibiting the conversational skills of mimes. Trying not to look too surprised, Rory sat and started shoveling salad into her mouth, attempting to avoid saying anything.
"Everything is all right?" Emily asked.
"Yes, everything's fine, Grandma," Rory said quickly, then took another bite. Her eyes flickered across the table to Jess, who was scowling into his salad, disdainfully picking the raisins out.
"Good," Emily said.
The three lapsed into silence again. The maid brought out the prime rib, and Emily lambasted her for forgetting to bring the proper sauce. She got up and left the table to get it herself, saying that she simply didn't trust the maid's vision.
"Thank you," Rory said softly, not looking at Jess.
He said nothing for a long while. "Whatever," he finally muttered.
Swallowing, Rory looked back to her plate. She could hear her grandmother in the kitchen, still ostracizing the maid. Jess cut off a piece of meat and put it into his mouth, sauceless.
"Good God, these maids. Honestly, how much is it to ask that I get all my dinner supplies?" Emily vented.
Rory just shrugged, gazing into her plate.
"We've got sauce now." Emily offered Rory the condiment, but Rory shook her head. "Well, what's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," Rory said defensively.
"You're not eating."
"I'm not hungry." Rory's eyes darted to Jess, who was still looking down. "I guess I had a big lunch."
"Ah." Emily nodded and sliced herself a piece of meat. Her face instantly crumpled into a face of disgust. "Dear God, this is abominable." She looked to Jess. "Is yours good?"
"Fine," Jess said.
Emily sighed. "Hiring cooks is such a trial."
Rory saw Jess roll his eyes into his lap and she shifted her eyes nervously away, tucking her arms against her abdomen. Emily continued her tirade on the difficulties of hiring help, Jess ate in silence, and Rory wallowed in her miserable thoughts and visions of Jess and Dean slugging it out.
Although she thought it never would, the evening ended. Emily, keeping up her polite façade, bid Rory and Jess adieu at the door, civilly telling Jess that he could come back anytime. Jess nodded, thanked her, and walked through the door ahead of Rory.
Rory smiled tightly at her grandmother. "Thanks, Grandma."
"Of course." Emily held out her arms, and Rory nestled into her grandmother for a moment. "Be careful on your way home," Emily said as she released Rory. "I heard it might ice tonight."
"We will. Bye, Grandma," Rory said, backing out.
In the car, Jess was rubbing his hands together, warming the engine. Rory climbed in her side, fastened her seatbelt and glanced briefly at him. His shoulders were tensed, and he did not look happy. Sighing, Rory turned her face to the window. Jess pulled out of the drive and onto the highway.
Staring out the window into the splotchy black night, Rory felt her eyes tearing up. Was her mother right? Was Jess really just a jerk who wanted to manipulate her? His behavior at dinner had been less than exemplary. Wistfully, Rory thought back to when she brought Dean to dinner, his cordial replies and perfect boyfriend manners. Dean had made her feel special and important. Jess, on the other hand, had made her feel sad, drained and empty.
The sleet started in the middle of their drive. It iced the windows, creating tiny crystals of isolation around the car. Rory's window fogged up quickly, and she could hardly distinguish the other cars on the highway; all she saw were red and white blotches zipping past. She felt very alone and pathetic. Without her permission, a tear slipped down her cheek, dripping onto her hand. She self-consciously tried to wipe it away without smearing her makeup, but several others followed it.
As they drove slowly through Stars Hollow, it became difficult for Rory to breathe, and she gasped rather loudly. Trying to cover it up, she faked a cough and brushed her hand over her face. Jess didn't say anything, which just made Rory's tears come more furiously. The ice and the tears doubly blinded her.
She almost couldn't make out their house when they pulled up to it. Gulping, Rory felt clumsily for the door release. "Rory."
Rory didn't say anything. She fumbled with the door handle and finally got a pop. "Rory," Jess said again, a little more loudly.
Pursing her lips to keep the sob inside, Rory tumbled out of the car and slammed the door behind her. Jogging up the steps, she dug for her key in her coat pocket. Behind her, she heard Jess get out as well. "Rory," he said, loudly. He came up behind her and put a hand on her elbow. She shook it off angrily.
"Don't," she said frostily, her back still to him as she struggled to the key in the lock. She desperately wished she had just left it unlocked.
"Come on," Jess said, with a hint of exasperation.
"Thanks for the ride," Rory said rather sarcastically, jabbing the door open with her shoulder. She tried to shut it without turning around, but Jess stopped it with his hand. "I'll see you later," she said pointedly.
"Nice try," he said. Rory gave up and left the door open as she walked inside. She heard Jess follow her, slamming the door behind him. Instead of taking her coat off in the foyer, which might require her to show him her face, she kept walking to her bedroom. Still, he kept following. "Come on, Rory."
Giving up, Rory whipped around. "Come on what?" Jess looked down into her face without sympathy. Rory's chin wobbled, and she felt the tears coming again. How could he just stand there? It was like he didn't even care. "I thought so." Rory dumped her coat on her bed.
"What do you want me to say, Rory?"
"How about, 'I'm sorry'?"
"It's not all my fault. You're the one who kept pressing it."
"I wouldn't have pressed it if you had just told me the truth! You've been crummy to me all night, Jess. I don't know what I did. It's not like I asked you to burn all your books while listening to Avril Lavigne. I just wanted you to come to dinner with me." Rory sniffled miserably and sat on her bed to take off her shoes.
Jess looked down on her. "You shouldn't have agreed before checking with me."
"You've met my grandma." Rory tossed her shoes in the general direction of her closet. They made hollow pinging sounds against the door. "I tried to get out of it." Jess didn't say anything to that. "You're acting like I'm torturing you. You're acting like…" Rory bit her lip hard, willing her voice to quit cracking. "You're acting like you don't even want to be with me."
Jess' head snapped up and looked at her. He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I made you cry." Rory kept staring at her toe. "I'm not good at this."
"I don't care. I just don't like being treated like I'm a cockroach."
Jess looked up to the ceiling. "I'm not a relationship person."
"I'm not asking for a white horse, here. I just need to trust you. And I need to be treated like I'm more than just a Shane." Rory looked studiously away from Jess.
She heard Jess inhale and exhale slowly. "I'm sorry I screwed your dinner up."
Rory nodded. Jess reached across her and handed her a tissue, then took her unoccupied hand in his own. Rory wiped her face off and blew her nose, trying to compose herself. "So if it wasn't a fight with Dean, how did it happen?"
"I don't want—"
"Tough. How bad can it be?"
Jess glanced at her. He rubbed her knuckles with his thumb. "A swan," he mumbled.
Rory squinted. "A…swan?"
"I was reading and I got bombarded by a swan. You happy?"
Biting her lip, Rory tried to suppress a smile. "You got attacked by a swan?"
Impatiently, Jess said, "Yes."
Rory giggled, and Jess cracked a smile. "Michel will love that."
"What?"
"Nothing."
Jess tipped her face toward him and kissed her softly. Rory tangled a hand in his coarse hair, twisting it around her fingers. She broke away and titled her head against the bridge of his nose. "So…you think she'll be having me over for her next dinner party?"
Rory chuckled. "Would you go?"
"Maybe."
She drew back and looked into his eyes. Discarding the tissue on the floor, she took his face in her hands and touched her lips to his. He lightly licked her bottom lip and Rory's mouth opened. Jess shifted closer to her and put an arm around her waist, pulling her so close she could feel him breathe.
The phone rang, and Rory broke off harshly. She looked at Jess with guilty eyes and ran for the phone. Jess breathed deeply and raked his hands through his mussed hair. He could hear the rise and fall of Rory's voice.
"I just got an interesting call from your grandmother," Lorelai told Rory.
"And?"
"She said that your new boyfriend was a thug. I've never heard my mother say thug."
"Was it funny?"
"Very." Lorelai cleared her throat. "She also said that he showed up with a black eye and that you two seemed to be having a fight."
Rory looked over her shoulder. "He did. We did. But it's better now."
"How much better?" Lorelai asked suspiciously.
"Mom."
"Just checking. So?"
"We had an argument about his attitude and the eye, but it's all straight now."
"Rory, promise me you're not making up with him because you're feeling weak right now."
"I'm not, Mom."
Lorelai sighed. "Okay. You sound like you've been crying."
"Briefly."
"I'll beat him up when I get home."
"I've got it covered."
"Kissing him senseless does not count as beating him up," Lorelai told her.
"Oh, well then I guess I'll have to get out that tennis racket we never use."
"Atta girl." Lorelai leaned out the bathroom when Alex called. "I gotta go, babe."
"Okay."
"Don't do anything Britney Spears says she wouldn't do."
"I won't."
"Okay. Night."
"Night, Mom." Rory hung up the phone. She stood by the phone stand and straightened her hair and skirt anxiously. She walked slowly to her bedroom, her bare feet hitting the wood floor with soft slaps. Jess was still sitting on her bed and Rory sat next to him.
"Your mom?"
"Yeah." Rory nodded for good measure.
"Should I get a bulletproof vest?"
"She's much more creative than that. It probably wouldn't help."
Jess smiled and reached out for her tentatively. Rory scooted closer and put a hand on his shoulder. Taking this as his cue, Jess leaned down and pressed his lips to hers, hard. Rory felt herself drowning in the heat of the kiss, but she did nothing to stop it. Her hand wandered down his chest to his stomach, then back up again. Jess squirmed and lightly bit her lip. Rory gasped and clutched him tighter, putting one of her legs on top of his. His hand slid down to the small of her back and pushed, forcing her to arch her back. Her fist clenched and took some shirt with it.
"Rory," Jess breathed into her mouth.
Rory couldn't stop. She wasn't used to this feeling, but all she knew was that she didn't want to quit kissing Jess. Her lips chased his and she crushed herself impossibly close to him. In her mind, she knew this was insanity; less than an hour ago, he'd had her in tears. She knew this was irrational and that she might regret it later, but it felt too good.
Jess fought to hold his upright position with Rory practically on top of him. He gave up and fell backwards onto the mattress, taking Rory with him.
Finally, Rory's conscience clicked on and she tore her lips away from Jess'. Jess suppressed a groan and sat up as Rory did. She was breathing heavily, her lips parted and her eyes shimmering wildly. Jess reached a hand out and cupped her cheek.
Nervous and ashamed of her lack of self-control, Rory stood up like a shot, smoothing her rumpled skirt. "Um, I guess I'll see you tomorrow."
Jess rose and kissed her forehead. "Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow."
As he was leaving, Rory caught his hand. "Jess?"
"Yes?" he asked with one eyebrow raised.
"This doesn't mean that you can do this again and I'll forgive so easily," Rory spit out.
"I understand," Jess said.
"You can't make me cry and expect me to just kiss you," she went on.
"Especially since Lorelai might be home."
"Jess."
"I know, Rory. I learned my lesson, is that the phrase you want to hear?"
"Exactly," Rory whispered, walking up to him. She angled her face up to his, and he wrapped his arms securely around her back. Standing on tiptoe, she clutched the back of his neck and kissed him. The kiss ignited like alcohol under a flame, and Jess backed against her bedroom wall. Next to her, she heard all the paraphernalia stacked against the wall rattle. The delicate teacup with a picture of the Eiffel Tower on it clanged with the pitch of a triangle in a band. All her books shook with the force of her back hitting the wall. Jess mashed his hips against hers, and Rory did the same before ripping herself away. "Stop," she said, more to herself than to anyone else. Jess took a step backward, and this time, even he looked winded. "I'm not ready," Rory murmured.
"Okay."
They stood about a foot away from each other, panting, for a long while. "You better get back. Luke will wonder."
"Sure." Jess took an uncertain step forward and kissed her cheek. "Bye."
"Bye." He walked out of her room. Rory listened to his retreating footsteps and waited until she heard the door slam to fall on her bed in a heap.
Her mind was whirring. She was confused. Certainly, Jess had upset her with his stunts at her grandmother's and she had been honestly angry with him for a while, but then he apologized, and there she was, practically molded to him half an hour later. What was wrong with her? Was this the unstoppable lust that had led to her?
Rolling onto her stomach, Rory shut her eyes and remembered the feeling of Jess jammed up against her and tried to put her thoughts in order. Did she want to have sex with Jess? There was obviously enough physical attraction, but would she be caught in this endless ring of him doing something crappy, her crying, and them making up? Plus, what did she really know about Jess? It came to her that she knew nothing of his past. He was secretive. Was she willing to give herself to someone so guarded?
She needed her mother.
The cell phone rang for a while, but finally Lorelai answered. "Hello?"
"I'm not too busy."
"I'm glad you could clear your schedule to talk to me."
"No, no, not too busy to think about it. I am. A lot."
"Oh." Lorelai frowned and motioned to Alex. She enclosed herself in a stall in the ladies' bathroom at the restaurant. "Rory? Did something happen tonight?"
"We kissed. I'm afraid that I'm…I don't know, addicted or something."
"Oh, God," Lorelai groaned softly. It sounded like…well, like her.
"I don't know what to do, Mom."
"Nothing, until you're sure."
"I know. I'm just…I think…I think I want to."
"Rory…"
"Nothing happened!"
"Okay, okay. Look, Rory, are you sure you want to have sex with a guy who can make you cry so easily?"
"I don't know. I thought the same thing. But…"
"There's always a but," Lorelai said with a sigh. Another lady came in and Lorelai heard her applying various cosmetics.
Rory wanted to say, "It feels good," but she couldn't bring herself to admit that to her mother. She just said, "I thought you needed to know."
"I did. Do. I do." Lorelai swallowed thickly. "I don't think you're ready, Rory. I'm being a friend, here, not a mom. I think that you need to think about this a lot more. You're…he's your second boyfriend, Rory, and if you're not sure, I don't want you to wind up doing something you'll regret. There'll be other guys."
"I know." Rory breathed gravely. "I just needed to tell someone."
"I'm glad you picked me."
"Okay. Sorry I interrupted your dinner."
"No big deal. Bye, baby."
"Bye, Mom."
Lorelai hung up her cell and stared blankly at the stall door for a long time. She was losing her baby girl, and to Jess of all people. She wished that she could be there to touch Rory, to make sure that she was still there, still tangible and solid. Lorelai left the bathroom quietly and went back out to the restaurant, her shoulders slightly lower than before.
Rory was lying in bed when the phone rang again. "Hello?"
"Hey."
She smiled when she recognized Jess' voice. "It's like midnight."
"Quarter to one." Jess cleared his throat. "I just wanted to make sure you were…okay…with everything tonight."
"You mean, have I withdrawn my forgiveness?"
"Well, that, and…"
"Right. No, I'm fine."
"Good."
"Yeah, good." Rory felt the blush creeping up her face and consuming even her hairline as she recalled her rash actions. "Are, um, you?" she asked stupidly.
She could almost hear Jess' grin. "I'll live."
"Okay, good." She smiled lightly to herself. "How's the book?"
"Worth the price of dinner and a fight."
"I knew you'd like it."
Their conversation wafted off into the early morning, their words inlaid with prospects and unmade decisions. It reached across state lines, straight to Lorelai, lying on her side in bed, trying to block out thoughts of Rory and Jess in various acrobatic positions. A teardrop skimmed her cheek and she let it fall softly off her cheek into the abyss of the unknown.