Kanoe

Cold Comfort

*~~*~~*

And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts? Hot ashes for trees?

Hot air for a cool breeze? Cold comfort for change?

And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

*~~*~~*

I had already fought my impossible battle. My sister was the perfect doll, pampered and revered by some like a living goddess. They called her Hinoto-himesama, but I knew she was no princess. We had the same genetics, we came from the same womb and same woman, so she should have been no better than me. Seeing her made me sick to my stomach at times.

Her true visions of the future, her dreams, they were all things I could see as well. Why, then, was I not good enough for them? I knew everything she did.

But no, she was special and I was not. She was remarkable and I was not. She lived her life being honored and consulted on important matters of state...and I did not.

I made my own way in life, and I used the talents at my disposal that she would never have.

*~~*~~*

Do you know how frustrating it is? I was wiping drool from her chin; I was helping mother change her diapers; I was wheeling her around in her wheelchair for years. They found out about her powers because of me. I was an innocent at that point and I told Mother that I had seen what just happened on the news before, in my dream. She didn't believe me at first, but Hinoto and I dreamed together again and we saw something else. We told Mother, and when it was on the news a few days later she began to believe. I was tested, and I said, "I saw it in my sister's dream!"

I was so naïve. I really thought that made us both special.

After all this time, when she could do nothing without me, I was told I could do nothing without her. I was worthless without her.

And they took her away.

Hinoto had always been the worthless child that I protected. She was the doll I could dress up, and she loved me for it, but now I was the worthless child and no one was there for me. No one protected me.

The burden had become the blessing. I had known how my parents thought of her, she had known also, but now she was their favorite for bringing honor to the family. I had a gift too, as well as my health and beauty. That didn't matter.

I had fought to be the good daughter, the wonderful one, the special one, the dutiful sister to the crippled child I grew up next to. I had fought for love and honor, and I had failed. I was worthless. All I had done was nothing.

I had been special. I had been the favorite daughter. Now the things I had done to get that love and attention was done by Hinoto's attendants.

Part of me was relieved that I would not have to do this anymore. I would not have to hurry home from school to make sure she was never alone. I didn't have to do everything for her, I didn't have to feed and clothe her or brush her long hair. Still, part of me was insanely jealous. She was my sister, my special duty, my doll to play with and love. They had stolen what was mine.

*~~*~~*

Hinoto and I grew up apart after that. I was allowed to visit when I had free time, but the idea soon palled. I had to jump through hoops to be allowed in the "presence", and when I was there the bowing and scraping going on disgusted me. They took far better care of her than I could, and the thought embarrassed me. I thought I had done such a good job, but all I had done now seemed inadequate. She was a prettier doll than I had ever made her now and it hurt to see.

I didn't need to visit her in person though. Each night we had our dreams, and I held her in my arms against the loneliness while she watched the world fall apart.

The first time she saw Kamui and the end of the world, I was there next to her, and we cried together. At that moment I missed her more than ever, wanted to hold my poor sister in my arms for real and save her from seeing this awful vision. It was the end of humanity, the end of all the things we held dear and all the people we had ever loved.

"How could anyone not care if everyone dies?" She had sobbed those words into my shoulder.

I was still so young. I didn't know either. We held each other, cried for each other, and wondered what we could do. Shock and horror had me wandering in a daze at school and a fatalism touched everything I did.

Despite seeing all that, her life was sheltered. She didn't experience living the way any normal person would. Her gift had imprisoned her in a gilded cage that gave her no concept for what the world really was.

I was the one still part of the world. I went to school, I fell in love, and I had my heart broken. Friends would die or move away. I moved out on my own, and one day I came home to find a message on my answering machine telling me that my parents were in the hospital. There had been a car accident. I could do nothing but watch as first Mother, then Father gave in to death. Hinoto barely remembered them.

I was alone in my mourning.

My work suffered. I was too distraught to think clearly, and I had missed many days while I stayed by their sides in the hospital, hoping they would recover. They never did. Finally my boss made it perfectly clear that there was only one way I could keep my job. I needed that job in order to survive. I gave into his desires.

He made it pleasant enough, and for a while I even forgot my pain, but I couldn't shake a hollow feeling when it was over. There was an empty pit in my soul that cried out to be filled that I hadn't realized before was there. I found out soon enough that sex drove that feeling from me.

I also realized that if I let myself fall in love, I would only get hurt and make that empty pit grow. His wife found out about our affair and he summarily fired me as an embarrassment. I turned to Hinoto for comfort that night, but her answer was scorn and an offer to help me find a better job. She couldn't understand what had possessed me to do what I had done in the first place.

She judged me for my weakness. She held herself above me. She didn't need to do anything more than dream and she was given everything she desired, how dare she judge me for doing what I had to do? She didn't work for a living. She didn't even have to look on the faces of anyone she didn't want to deal with, and every person she saw fell all over themselves for her favor.

*~~*~~*

It was the last time I allowed anyone to lead me around in matters involving my own body. I would not be persuaded--I would do the persuading instead. I did not have to let myself be led by another. I could be in control, and thus shape my own destiny and life. I could get what I wanted by going after the men who could give it to me. It was a heady sense of power at first, realizing that I could do this. It was so easy, and it quieted the growing loneliness.

Hinoto's visions of the end of the world became stronger and more certain. I decided I would laugh in the face of doom and enjoy my life to the fullest. That destiny was unavoidable, my sister was never wrong, so I would go down happy that I had lived. I did things my own way. I refused to believe there would be a consequence to my actions beyond the immediate because we'd all be dead soon enough.

Then my sister turned to me and said, "I will stop this."

I laughed. "It's a true vision, Hinoto. You know it as well as I do, it is unavoidable. We tried years ago to see what could be done, and you are the one that finally convinced me that it was hopeless. Let me tell you one thing, you are not the only yumemi whose dreams I can step into, and you are not the only one seeing these things. It will happen."

"I have to try."

I couldn't believe my ears. Finally, I turned away. "What's so great about humanity that it is worth saving?"

"Kanoe? You can't mean that."

I turned a cold eye on her. "Oh really? Maybe life is wonderful enough for you that you want it to go on. I smell the pollution day after day, I see people killing animals and each other simply because they can, and I live through things that sicken me. Don't they let you watch the news where you are? Humanity is rushing toward extinction no matter what you and I do. I've thought about this a lot, sister, and I am ready to accept the judgment of Kamui. At least then I will know when the end will come."

She gasped, looking more pathetically doll-like than ever. Beautiful and helpless seeming enough that she did not have to fight for a thing in life. I was weary of losing impossible battles.

"Kanoe!"

I finally let her see beyond the optimism I had tried to maintain when I saw her. I was sick of being one of the masses who cheered and supported her. "Don't tell me, Hinoto, that your life is so wonderful. What is in this world that it is so important that it go on? Do you love life that much?"

She bowed her head, clasping her hands as her voice softened. "You are in this world, dear sister. That is enough."

I was her reason for wanting the world to go on? I could almost laugh, but I felt too bitter. Did she want me to live in this hell forever?

"What if I don't want to be?!?!" I screamed, I forced myself to wake. I turned to my lover of the moment, I can't even remember who it was now, and I drowned my emotional feelings under the swell of my physical feelings.

It was a talent I had, and one that I could use to get what I wanted. More importantly, it was a talent my sister would never have. It was a talent that Hinoto would never be able to be better at than me.

I found my purpose that night, and I found my power. I found my determination, and a plan was born. It wasn't out of evil. I had my reasons.

They just crystallized around the act of denying my sister.

*~~*~~*

Author's Note: This is my first X fic. I've only seen the anime series, so if I'm terribly off from the manga, please forgive me and take pity on me. Why did I start here? It was the most persistent plot bunny I've had since seeing the series. It just came to me, full blown, and practically wrote itself. There will be three chapters after this.

I do not own the characters involved. The lyrics quoted are from the album "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd, so they're not mine either.

Giant thanks and appreciation go to Aishuu, Xandra, and Kamitra. This fic would never have been thought of without all three of them. I owe you one!