The stinging of my broken heart was no match for the sorrow embedded in my
soul. When Mary died, I failed to exist henceforth. My tattered mind
detached from my physical existence, leaving behind the sunken shell of a
tortured soul. I had been through absolute hell; my only comfort was the
thought of being with her again. It is what drove me forward into the
darkness of the hospital, into the terror of the prison, into each
bottomless pit I jumped into. I would do anything to be with her.
Anything. She was the single thread that rooted me to happiness. And I destroyed her because I couldn't deal with her suffering. I couldn't deal with the effect her disease was having on me. It was a mercy killing - one out of intense love. I loved her so much; I couldn't bear to watch her suffer. It was too painful on both of us. I would do anything to hold her again.
I had been determined to venture through any horror to find her when I first arrived in Silent Hill. But Silent Hill is what you bring with you. I brought my mangled emotions to Silent Hill only to find them manifest into the richest nightmares. I evaded the red executioners, witnessed Angela commit suicide, murdered Eddie, and fruitlessly searched for the love of my life, hoping she was still alive. All I discovered, in the end, was my own horrid sin forever haunting me.
But . I did see her. I managed to hold onto her for a few short moments, right at the moment of her death, to apologize. Then, I could be at rest with myself. However, witnessing her death again, I could not handle. I lost every slight grip I had on my hollow life. Silent Hill tore her apart from me again.
As I watched her die, my heart broke. Indeed, from that moment on, I ceased to exist.
I held Angela's knife up, remembering the way her silhouette disappeared into the flames. Mary was dead. Angela was dead. Eddie was dead. What's the point of being alive after so much death?
I was sitting on the steps of the Lakeview Hotel, staring into my reflection in the blade. What could I do now? Mary's soul is at rest now. I can never see her again. Maria was only a phantom and I could never be happy with her. My heart sank deeper into the ground, my body freezing slowly in the night air.
Then, it began to snow. Tiny white crystals littered the sky, strengthening the fact that I was entirely alone. No sounds could be heard, except the low hiss of my radio. I didn't even care if there was a horribly disfigured beast strolling towards me anymore.
"Saving it for yourself?" - Angela's comment to me when I refused to return her knife.
Maybe I was.
The radio static grew louder, angry white noise spewing from the speaker. I heard heavy footsteps. Something was walking towards me. It smelled of rotten flesh and blood. I looked up at the intruder, not of curiosity, but of annoyance.
The red executioner stopped a few feet away, his giant spear stained heavily with Maria's blood. He stood tall and stiff, angling his pyramid shaped head towards me as if to stare.
The sight of him no longer shook me. I accepted death. I longed for death. If I didn't take my own life, I invite someone else to.
I was angry and extremely irritated by his presence. This town had already tortured me enough. Hadn't I received my penance through such torment? But his non-threatening stance led me to believe there was another motive for his visit.
"You want this back?" I pointed at the great knife lying by my side, which I had found in the underground labyrinth. I kept it during my journey through Silent Hill as a weapon, even though I could barely lift the stupid thing. All my items and weapons I had collected lay by my side, except Angela's knife was in one hand and Mary's picture was in the other.
The red creature didn't move. It just stood like a sentinel, looming through the darkness between the snowflakes. The light from my flashlight cast an even eerier glow upon his rigid features.
"Aren't you going to execute me for my sin? It's only what you've been trying to do this whole time!" I shouted at the great pyramid statue.
Then, it occurred to me that maybe he couldn't hear me beneath that thick metal mask. What did he look like under that tarnished steel? Was he even a man or another phantom? He's never spoken. Does he even have a throat to speak from? My rage died into slight curiosity. What does this red beast desire of me?
Suddenly, he threw down his spear. The loud noise broke the soft silence that had engulfed me. I jumped a little, half expecting some wild attack, but the pyramid head simply stood there after his little burst of energy.
"What the hell do you want already?! Leave me the hell alone!" I choked the words, clutching Mary's picture tighter.
I was alone with this strange aberration in this godforsaken hell hole. This truly had ruined all the special memories I once had for this town.
The executioner lifted his arms silently and pulled off the rusted blood- soaked helmet. Beneath was a bloody mess of dark hair and ..
"Oh god, this can't be possible." I muttered.
My own face stared back from the executioner's body.
"No! No, this can't be possible!" I repeated.
James smiled slightly, but made no other movement or sound. The silence was deafening enough.
"No! But I saw two of you pyramid things impale yourselves with your spears! This isn't possible! How many pyramid things are there?" I cried out.
James took a step towards me and spoke, my own deep voice emanating from his throat, "Many years ago, the prison executioners murdered anyone they wished, innocent or not. They quenched their blood thirst daily. Those executioners were mortal men and died ages ago. You, James, are the guilty one now. You are the executioner guilty of murdering the innocent."
"I can't deny that." I responded sadly, sighing deeply. A silent moment followed. Still, the red monster did not move. "Why are you still tormenting me? I know of my sin. Leave me be," I turned away, closing my eyes.
"Silent Hill is what you bring with you," James uttered.
"All the executioners were. me," I stared blindly at the ground, feeling the cold sting of the snow on my face.
James replaced his pyramid mask and receded into the darkness that grew blacker with each passing moment. I had succeeded in hitting rock bottom with this new realization. Lying back on the cold concrete, I seriously considered suicide for the second time in the past ten minutes. I couldn't bear to live with myself. Goodbye James. You are guilty of executing a beautiful innocent woman, whom you loved. Now you shall pay for her life with yours.
"James? Why are you lying down on the floor?" Laura's voice suddenly emerged from my right, from the hotel.
"Laura?" I was in no mood to entertain this child. I was on the verge of suicide.
"You didn't find Mary, did you?" she sat down next to me, a glint of hope in her voice.
"What are you still doing in this town?" I sighed.
"What are you doing with that?" Laura pointed at the knife I held.
"Sometimes, Laura, life makes you feel like shit all the time. Sometimes you just can't take it anymore." I trailed off.
"Even if Mary is dead, I bet she wouldn't want you to be dead," she sounded sincere.
"You don't understand. Just go away," I groaned, running my finger along the blade.
"Fine, be a stupid old fartface. I don't care what you do anyway!" she sneered and began to walk off.
Mary's letter suddenly surfaced in my mind. I remember Mary writing that if things had worked out she was hoping to adopt Laura. She also had urged me to continue on living without her. This could be the last chance I got to fulfill Mary's wishes. I could be closer to Mary through death, but Mary loved Laura like a daughter.
"Laura! Wait!" I got up, throwing Angela's knife down.
"What do you want?" she turned.
"Mary mentioned in her letter that she wanted to adopt you. We both loved Mary very much, and I think she'd really appreciate it if we both continued our lives without her. together," my words sounded awkward.
Laura let out a giggle. "You want to adopt me?" She smiled a wide grin.
"Yeah. Let's get out of this town." I smiled back at her.
We walked through the snow through the empty town, through the cemetery, back to my car parked by the restroom. I felt better with each step, knowing I was doing what Mary had wanted.
I walked away from Silent Hill, knowing nothing could hurt me in that town because I had faced my emotions and my sins and survived. I loved Mary more than anything and I could find peace with Laura as my new daughter, knowing it was what Mary wanted.
Perhaps that was why she called me to this town in the first place. Not to face my sins, but to find new life with Laura.
My heart felt full for the first time in years. I smiled. Indeed, there was a hole here, but it's gone now.
Anything. She was the single thread that rooted me to happiness. And I destroyed her because I couldn't deal with her suffering. I couldn't deal with the effect her disease was having on me. It was a mercy killing - one out of intense love. I loved her so much; I couldn't bear to watch her suffer. It was too painful on both of us. I would do anything to hold her again.
I had been determined to venture through any horror to find her when I first arrived in Silent Hill. But Silent Hill is what you bring with you. I brought my mangled emotions to Silent Hill only to find them manifest into the richest nightmares. I evaded the red executioners, witnessed Angela commit suicide, murdered Eddie, and fruitlessly searched for the love of my life, hoping she was still alive. All I discovered, in the end, was my own horrid sin forever haunting me.
But . I did see her. I managed to hold onto her for a few short moments, right at the moment of her death, to apologize. Then, I could be at rest with myself. However, witnessing her death again, I could not handle. I lost every slight grip I had on my hollow life. Silent Hill tore her apart from me again.
As I watched her die, my heart broke. Indeed, from that moment on, I ceased to exist.
I held Angela's knife up, remembering the way her silhouette disappeared into the flames. Mary was dead. Angela was dead. Eddie was dead. What's the point of being alive after so much death?
I was sitting on the steps of the Lakeview Hotel, staring into my reflection in the blade. What could I do now? Mary's soul is at rest now. I can never see her again. Maria was only a phantom and I could never be happy with her. My heart sank deeper into the ground, my body freezing slowly in the night air.
Then, it began to snow. Tiny white crystals littered the sky, strengthening the fact that I was entirely alone. No sounds could be heard, except the low hiss of my radio. I didn't even care if there was a horribly disfigured beast strolling towards me anymore.
"Saving it for yourself?" - Angela's comment to me when I refused to return her knife.
Maybe I was.
The radio static grew louder, angry white noise spewing from the speaker. I heard heavy footsteps. Something was walking towards me. It smelled of rotten flesh and blood. I looked up at the intruder, not of curiosity, but of annoyance.
The red executioner stopped a few feet away, his giant spear stained heavily with Maria's blood. He stood tall and stiff, angling his pyramid shaped head towards me as if to stare.
The sight of him no longer shook me. I accepted death. I longed for death. If I didn't take my own life, I invite someone else to.
I was angry and extremely irritated by his presence. This town had already tortured me enough. Hadn't I received my penance through such torment? But his non-threatening stance led me to believe there was another motive for his visit.
"You want this back?" I pointed at the great knife lying by my side, which I had found in the underground labyrinth. I kept it during my journey through Silent Hill as a weapon, even though I could barely lift the stupid thing. All my items and weapons I had collected lay by my side, except Angela's knife was in one hand and Mary's picture was in the other.
The red creature didn't move. It just stood like a sentinel, looming through the darkness between the snowflakes. The light from my flashlight cast an even eerier glow upon his rigid features.
"Aren't you going to execute me for my sin? It's only what you've been trying to do this whole time!" I shouted at the great pyramid statue.
Then, it occurred to me that maybe he couldn't hear me beneath that thick metal mask. What did he look like under that tarnished steel? Was he even a man or another phantom? He's never spoken. Does he even have a throat to speak from? My rage died into slight curiosity. What does this red beast desire of me?
Suddenly, he threw down his spear. The loud noise broke the soft silence that had engulfed me. I jumped a little, half expecting some wild attack, but the pyramid head simply stood there after his little burst of energy.
"What the hell do you want already?! Leave me the hell alone!" I choked the words, clutching Mary's picture tighter.
I was alone with this strange aberration in this godforsaken hell hole. This truly had ruined all the special memories I once had for this town.
The executioner lifted his arms silently and pulled off the rusted blood- soaked helmet. Beneath was a bloody mess of dark hair and ..
"Oh god, this can't be possible." I muttered.
My own face stared back from the executioner's body.
"No! No, this can't be possible!" I repeated.
James smiled slightly, but made no other movement or sound. The silence was deafening enough.
"No! But I saw two of you pyramid things impale yourselves with your spears! This isn't possible! How many pyramid things are there?" I cried out.
James took a step towards me and spoke, my own deep voice emanating from his throat, "Many years ago, the prison executioners murdered anyone they wished, innocent or not. They quenched their blood thirst daily. Those executioners were mortal men and died ages ago. You, James, are the guilty one now. You are the executioner guilty of murdering the innocent."
"I can't deny that." I responded sadly, sighing deeply. A silent moment followed. Still, the red monster did not move. "Why are you still tormenting me? I know of my sin. Leave me be," I turned away, closing my eyes.
"Silent Hill is what you bring with you," James uttered.
"All the executioners were. me," I stared blindly at the ground, feeling the cold sting of the snow on my face.
James replaced his pyramid mask and receded into the darkness that grew blacker with each passing moment. I had succeeded in hitting rock bottom with this new realization. Lying back on the cold concrete, I seriously considered suicide for the second time in the past ten minutes. I couldn't bear to live with myself. Goodbye James. You are guilty of executing a beautiful innocent woman, whom you loved. Now you shall pay for her life with yours.
"James? Why are you lying down on the floor?" Laura's voice suddenly emerged from my right, from the hotel.
"Laura?" I was in no mood to entertain this child. I was on the verge of suicide.
"You didn't find Mary, did you?" she sat down next to me, a glint of hope in her voice.
"What are you still doing in this town?" I sighed.
"What are you doing with that?" Laura pointed at the knife I held.
"Sometimes, Laura, life makes you feel like shit all the time. Sometimes you just can't take it anymore." I trailed off.
"Even if Mary is dead, I bet she wouldn't want you to be dead," she sounded sincere.
"You don't understand. Just go away," I groaned, running my finger along the blade.
"Fine, be a stupid old fartface. I don't care what you do anyway!" she sneered and began to walk off.
Mary's letter suddenly surfaced in my mind. I remember Mary writing that if things had worked out she was hoping to adopt Laura. She also had urged me to continue on living without her. This could be the last chance I got to fulfill Mary's wishes. I could be closer to Mary through death, but Mary loved Laura like a daughter.
"Laura! Wait!" I got up, throwing Angela's knife down.
"What do you want?" she turned.
"Mary mentioned in her letter that she wanted to adopt you. We both loved Mary very much, and I think she'd really appreciate it if we both continued our lives without her. together," my words sounded awkward.
Laura let out a giggle. "You want to adopt me?" She smiled a wide grin.
"Yeah. Let's get out of this town." I smiled back at her.
We walked through the snow through the empty town, through the cemetery, back to my car parked by the restroom. I felt better with each step, knowing I was doing what Mary had wanted.
I walked away from Silent Hill, knowing nothing could hurt me in that town because I had faced my emotions and my sins and survived. I loved Mary more than anything and I could find peace with Laura as my new daughter, knowing it was what Mary wanted.
Perhaps that was why she called me to this town in the first place. Not to face my sins, but to find new life with Laura.
My heart felt full for the first time in years. I smiled. Indeed, there was a hole here, but it's gone now.