The Mean Reds
By foggynite
Rating: R for language
Summary: Sillyfic.
"What would you like to talk about today?"
"Mmm. This is good tea. Have you tried any?"
"You've been in better spirits these past few days. Why don't we talk about that?"
"Not much there, I'm afraid. Pass the sugar, please."
"Your nurse mentioned that you were talking about magic again this morning. Is that why you're happy?"
"Hmm. Yes. Pass the milk, please."
"I thought we agreed last session that we weren't going to talk about that anymore, Harry."
"All right. I'll never ask for the milk again."
"Now you know that's not what I meant."
"::sigh:: Yes, I know. You said not to. But I got to see it again, and I. like it."
"What we like isn't always best for us-- Harry, please stop tapping your spoon."
"::sigh:: I saw the devil, you know."
". I see."
"He's the one who gave it to me."
"The devil."
"Yeah, the devil. He tried to bite me. I liked that, too."
"Ummhm. Did he say anything, when he gave 'it' to you?"
"No. No. He just gave me the mean reds. I really did see him."
"The devil gave you 'the mean reds.' Is that where you got the burns you had, when your family brought you to us?"
"What? No. No. That was Uncle Vernon's cigar. Hence the little round shape."
"I see. You say your uncle burned you with a cigar."
"Can you write that down in capital letters? I've always been fond of large print."
"Yes, of course, Harry. So. You saw the devil and he gave you 'the reds.' What are the reds?"
"You know, the reds. When everything's all hot and you're just all sticky and it's red. Red."
"And when did this happen, Harry?"
"When he came to me. See, now you're looking uncomfortable. And you told me to tell you everything."
"Yes, I did. And I'm not uncomfortable, Harry. Not at all. Now, how long have you seen the devil, Harry?"
"Since the first time."
"What first time?"
"There's always first times. You can't do anything without first times."
"So you've seen him since the first time you saw him. And he gave you the reds."
"Yes."
"And the reds are."
"Hm? Oh yes. The reds. The reds are good."
"They're 'good,' Harry? How are they good?"
"They feel nice. and kinda squishy. Warm. But he hasn't really given me the real reds in a while, actually."
"So, you don't see the devil anymore? But you did at one point?"
"No. No. I see him quite a bit, when I can. Hadn't since I was in here, but then I did again. We had tea. I like tea."
"You have tea with the devil."
"Yes. He takes his black."
"When did you first see him, Harry? How old were you?"
"Eleven. Right after my birthday."
"I see. You saw him soon after all the 'magic' started, right?"
"I suppose you could make that correlation. I mean, he's a wizard, too."
"Ah, yes. When you came here, you said your profession was that of a 'wizard.' What would you say you are now, Harry?"
"A wizard who's being held captive in a Muggle hospital because his aunt and uncle want him proclaimed mentally incompetent so that they can legally turn him over to a state run institution and not have to pay for his room and board anymore, not that they did before, but I finally managed to ireally/i piss them off this time, so here I am and I really am going nuts in this place-Have you seen the bathrooms?-and my friends had a bloody hard time tracking me down, but it's all okay now because they're going to break me out with their evil wizard ways and you'll never have to see me again. Wouldn't that be nice?"
"."
"Little joke there. Haha. See, I really am a well-adjusted member of society. Really."
". I can't help you, Harry, if you don't take this seriously."
"Oh, I take it seriously, all right. I mean. Those communal showers really suck, and there's a guy who thinks he's Fergie that keeps dropping his soap in front of me, and boy, am I traumatized."
"Harry, please stop tapping your spoon."
"Sorry. I'm just. I'm just having difficulty absorbing everything that's happened to me the past few weeks."
"So, you admit that you ido/i have problems?"
"Well, yeah. I mean, I have an arch-nemesis who's trying to kill me and this is my last year of school coming up, so that means there'll probably be some big showdown, you know final fight and all that, and I did rather badly at school this past semester, so I'm hoping he'll get it over with towards the beginning of this year so that I can get excused from my classes by reason of near-death trauma, iyet again/i, and maybe graduate with semi-decent grades."
"I see. Is your 'arch-nemesis' the devil, Harry? The one you have tea with?"
"No, that was just an inside joke I thought I'd share to fuck with your mind. The arch-nemesis wants me dead. The devil just wants to blow me."
".I see... Your, um, Uncle told the admitting nurse that you had 'gone queer' on the family. Was it the devil that made you think you were homosexual, Harry?"
"---"
"Harry, please try to stop laughing."
". I'm sorry. I think I just pulled something."
"What did you find amusing about my question, Harry?"
"Can I have my spoon back? I found it soothing."
"Of course, Harry. Why don't we try something new?"
"Oo-kay."
"I'm going to say a word picked at random from the dictionary, and you'll tell me the first thing that pops into your mind."
"I thought free association methods were generally discounted as unreliable forms of gauging mental states?"
"..Where did you hear that, Harry?"
"Fergie's afraid of your little library room, so guess where I've been spending all my time."
"I see."
"You know, you keep saying that, but I don't think you do."
"Now, Harry-"
"I mean, do I look nuts? Honestly, do I look crazy?"
"Honestly, Harry? Shall I be up front with you about my diagnosis?"
"Yes, please. I assure you, my opinion of you can't get lower."
"All right. I believe you are a very bright and intelligent young man, who has some issues he needs to work through. There is some evidence of paranoid delusions, maybe even mild bipolar depression. The biggest thing, though, is that you are very resistant to therapy, and we may need to try other methods to help you get better."
"See, now you're scaring me, and this would be the perfect time for someone to give me a hand, say, if they just so happened to be hiding in a corner snickering with my dad's invisibility cloak on."
"Harry--?"
"Obliviate! Under the cloak, Potter."
"Grab his notes!"
"Quiet. I got them."
"Huh. That's odd. I could have sworn I had a five o'clock in here."
"That guy is such a twit. I would have slammed his head into the table the second he opened his mouth."
"Well, I'm not you, and how long were you standing there?"
"Eh. I snuck in this morning. That Fergie guy really is a mental."
"You were here that long and you didn't get me out?"
"Just get changed already, Potter. The Weasel's waiting with the car."
"The two of you came here. together? And the car's still in one piece?"
"Ha ha. You pierce me with your sharp wit."
"I'd like to stab you with something else for making me wait that long."
"It's not like you talked about anything interesting, anyway. 'The devil.' Ch. iReally/i, Potter."
"How about 'prick who won't get his ass in gear,' instead?"
"Keep talking like that and I won't give you 'the reds' on the way home. Don't forget your shoes. Where the fuck did you come up with that stuff anyway?"
"I think Ron would object to being traumatized like that, and you iare/i such a prick. I had to amuse myself somehow, since I thought you'd be here at inoon./i Haven't you ever seen the movie 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'? Never mind. Forgot who I was talking to for a second. They have my belt at the front desk."
"Not anymore, they don't. I would never stoop to watching a Muggle video. And admit it, the fact that I'm an asshole turns you on."
"Fine. The fact that you're a raging dickhead who couldn't treat another human being decently to save his life makes me lust after your oh-so-manly body. Can we go now?"
"I suppose. I've just been waiting on you, anyway."
"Jerk."
"Indeed."
Finis.
"What would you like to talk about today?"
"Mmm. This is good tea. Have you tried any?"
"You've been in better spirits these past few days. Why don't we talk about that?"
"Not much there, I'm afraid. Pass the sugar, please."
"Your nurse mentioned that you were talking about magic again this morning. Is that why you're happy?"
"Hmm. Yes. Pass the milk, please."
"I thought we agreed last session that we weren't going to talk about that anymore, Harry."
"All right. I'll never ask for the milk again."
"Now you know that's not what I meant."
"::sigh:: Yes, I know. You said not to. But I got to see it again, and I. like it."
"What we like isn't always best for us-- Harry, please stop tapping your spoon."
"::sigh:: I saw the devil, you know."
". I see."
"He's the one who gave it to me."
"The devil."
"Yeah, the devil. He tried to bite me. I liked that, too."
"Ummhm. Did he say anything, when he gave 'it' to you?"
"No. No. He just gave me the mean reds. I really did see him."
"The devil gave you 'the mean reds.' Is that where you got the burns you had, when your family brought you to us?"
"What? No. No. That was Uncle Vernon's cigar. Hence the little round shape."
"I see. You say your uncle burned you with a cigar."
"Can you write that down in capital letters? I've always been fond of large print."
"Yes, of course, Harry. So. You saw the devil and he gave you 'the reds.' What are the reds?"
"You know, the reds. When everything's all hot and you're just all sticky and it's red. Red."
"And when did this happen, Harry?"
"When he came to me. See, now you're looking uncomfortable. And you told me to tell you everything."
"Yes, I did. And I'm not uncomfortable, Harry. Not at all. Now, how long have you seen the devil, Harry?"
"Since the first time."
"What first time?"
"There's always first times. You can't do anything without first times."
"So you've seen him since the first time you saw him. And he gave you the reds."
"Yes."
"And the reds are."
"Hm? Oh yes. The reds. The reds are good."
"They're 'good,' Harry? How are they good?"
"They feel nice. and kinda squishy. Warm. But he hasn't really given me the real reds in a while, actually."
"So, you don't see the devil anymore? But you did at one point?"
"No. No. I see him quite a bit, when I can. Hadn't since I was in here, but then I did again. We had tea. I like tea."
"You have tea with the devil."
"Yes. He takes his black."
"When did you first see him, Harry? How old were you?"
"Eleven. Right after my birthday."
"I see. You saw him soon after all the 'magic' started, right?"
"I suppose you could make that correlation. I mean, he's a wizard, too."
"Ah, yes. When you came here, you said your profession was that of a 'wizard.' What would you say you are now, Harry?"
"A wizard who's being held captive in a Muggle hospital because his aunt and uncle want him proclaimed mentally incompetent so that they can legally turn him over to a state run institution and not have to pay for his room and board anymore, not that they did before, but I finally managed to ireally/i piss them off this time, so here I am and I really am going nuts in this place-Have you seen the bathrooms?-and my friends had a bloody hard time tracking me down, but it's all okay now because they're going to break me out with their evil wizard ways and you'll never have to see me again. Wouldn't that be nice?"
"."
"Little joke there. Haha. See, I really am a well-adjusted member of society. Really."
". I can't help you, Harry, if you don't take this seriously."
"Oh, I take it seriously, all right. I mean. Those communal showers really suck, and there's a guy who thinks he's Fergie that keeps dropping his soap in front of me, and boy, am I traumatized."
"Harry, please stop tapping your spoon."
"Sorry. I'm just. I'm just having difficulty absorbing everything that's happened to me the past few weeks."
"So, you admit that you ido/i have problems?"
"Well, yeah. I mean, I have an arch-nemesis who's trying to kill me and this is my last year of school coming up, so that means there'll probably be some big showdown, you know final fight and all that, and I did rather badly at school this past semester, so I'm hoping he'll get it over with towards the beginning of this year so that I can get excused from my classes by reason of near-death trauma, iyet again/i, and maybe graduate with semi-decent grades."
"I see. Is your 'arch-nemesis' the devil, Harry? The one you have tea with?"
"No, that was just an inside joke I thought I'd share to fuck with your mind. The arch-nemesis wants me dead. The devil just wants to blow me."
".I see... Your, um, Uncle told the admitting nurse that you had 'gone queer' on the family. Was it the devil that made you think you were homosexual, Harry?"
"---"
"Harry, please try to stop laughing."
". I'm sorry. I think I just pulled something."
"What did you find amusing about my question, Harry?"
"Can I have my spoon back? I found it soothing."
"Of course, Harry. Why don't we try something new?"
"Oo-kay."
"I'm going to say a word picked at random from the dictionary, and you'll tell me the first thing that pops into your mind."
"I thought free association methods were generally discounted as unreliable forms of gauging mental states?"
"..Where did you hear that, Harry?"
"Fergie's afraid of your little library room, so guess where I've been spending all my time."
"I see."
"You know, you keep saying that, but I don't think you do."
"Now, Harry-"
"I mean, do I look nuts? Honestly, do I look crazy?"
"Honestly, Harry? Shall I be up front with you about my diagnosis?"
"Yes, please. I assure you, my opinion of you can't get lower."
"All right. I believe you are a very bright and intelligent young man, who has some issues he needs to work through. There is some evidence of paranoid delusions, maybe even mild bipolar depression. The biggest thing, though, is that you are very resistant to therapy, and we may need to try other methods to help you get better."
"See, now you're scaring me, and this would be the perfect time for someone to give me a hand, say, if they just so happened to be hiding in a corner snickering with my dad's invisibility cloak on."
"Harry--?"
"Obliviate! Under the cloak, Potter."
"Grab his notes!"
"Quiet. I got them."
"Huh. That's odd. I could have sworn I had a five o'clock in here."
"That guy is such a twit. I would have slammed his head into the table the second he opened his mouth."
"Well, I'm not you, and how long were you standing there?"
"Eh. I snuck in this morning. That Fergie guy really is a mental."
"You were here that long and you didn't get me out?"
"Just get changed already, Potter. The Weasel's waiting with the car."
"The two of you came here. together? And the car's still in one piece?"
"Ha ha. You pierce me with your sharp wit."
"I'd like to stab you with something else for making me wait that long."
"It's not like you talked about anything interesting, anyway. 'The devil.' Ch. iReally/i, Potter."
"How about 'prick who won't get his ass in gear,' instead?"
"Keep talking like that and I won't give you 'the reds' on the way home. Don't forget your shoes. Where the fuck did you come up with that stuff anyway?"
"I think Ron would object to being traumatized like that, and you iare/i such a prick. I had to amuse myself somehow, since I thought you'd be here at inoon./i Haven't you ever seen the movie 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'? Never mind. Forgot who I was talking to for a second. They have my belt at the front desk."
"Not anymore, they don't. I would never stoop to watching a Muggle video. And admit it, the fact that I'm an asshole turns you on."
"Fine. The fact that you're a raging dickhead who couldn't treat another human being decently to save his life makes me lust after your oh-so-manly body. Can we go now?"
"I suppose. I've just been waiting on you, anyway."
"Jerk."
"Indeed."
Finis.