Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma 1/2 or any associated thingies I'm sure you've heard so many times you could recite them gagged in a drug-induced sleep.
Agent of Chaos
Chapter I: Midget of Destruction
It's entirely possible that Ranma Saotome has dull days. You know, the kind where the panda sleeps in and forgets the morning practice session, school is slept through without incident, and rivals and fiances settle back awhile to concoct their next sure-fire plan to kill/marry Saotome.
Of course, they might just be gawking at a pair of poster-sized pictures hung on their wall, feverishly scanning the pages of "Voodoo for Dummies," or just plain getting themselves lost. In fact, it's a wonder that this particular group manages to bother Ranma at all.
Anyway, the point is, there could be times when nothing happens. But who the heck cares? Who wants to hear about the days where the most exciting thing happening is a sudden rainfall?
Needless to say, today was not going to be one of those days. It was late; the last red-gold rays of the sun were fading away like the last hundred dollars in a gambler's bank account, and Ranma sat in his usual place on the roof to watch them go. His pig-tailed hair was ruffled ever so slightly in the breeze--dramatic effects being what they are--and his eyes were calm and thoughtful as he looked out over the place called Nerima.
Perhaps he was thinking deep thoughts about life. Maybe he was wondering about the meaning of his existence, why he had to put up with so much of the crap he did. Maybe he was worrying about Akane, or perhaps his mother.
There was a clatter as five dice rolled out over the tiles. Ranma swore.
"A two, a three, a one, and two fives," he muttered crossly, scribbling the total on a small piece of paper. "I'll never beat Nabiki's score at this rate."
Then again...
Ranma rose to his feet, and a fiery aura circled around him. "If this one doesn't get a high number..." he told the dice threateningly. He almost threw the black-spotted cubes into the small tray, his eyes burning as he watched them settle one by one. "A six. Another six. Alright, so far so good... A six! Two more! Come ON... Another six! YES! One more to go, and it's gonna be the highest score! Come on, COME ON..."
The final die spun drunkenly in front of Ranma, close enough to almost brush one side of the little box. Ranma tensed each time it wobbled or dipped, his face almost near enough for his nose to touch. He had to maintain focus; mind over cube. His next weeks worth of lunch money hinged on this! If he didn't win his bet with Nabiki, he would only be able to eat AKANE'S lunches!
That thought brought Ranma new and profound determination, and with inhuman effort, concentrated his whole being on that last, black spotted die, willing it to obey his command.
Later on, looking back at that moment, he should have realized that something big was up when it landed on a nine.
Ranma blinked, and squinted to look more carefully at the white block. Sure enough, nine little black pips stared back unblinkingly in three neat rows.
"Weird," he thought aloud.
"That's MISTER Weird to you, son," a deep voice replied.
Ranma was on his feet and into a fighting stance in the amount of time it takes most people to decide between being slowly tortured to death or having an ice-cream cone. His eyes darted, quickly latching onto the person that had spoken. His jaw dropped.
A man stood there. He was dressed in a fine white three-piece suit and silver tie, and dark red army boots that almost reached his thigh. His eyes--one green and the other a burnished, pupiless gold--gleamed mischievously out from under a wide-brimmed, rumpled-looking hat, and he had a fierce black beard bushing out from his chin that fell to his chest. The center of his face was dominated by a wide, flat nose that looked as though it had been broken and then set badly.
He was also six inches tall.
"Who, w-what--" Ranma sputtered.
"Good day to you," the VERY little man cut in in a voice like a bass drum, "and though it looks like you've heard of me, allow me to introduce myself. The name's Who W. Weird. Mr. Weird to you. Or did I already say that?"
"Um, I think--"
"No matter, no matter. Yes, we must get to business right away. I'm here for a reason, you know." He paused, as if trying to remember what the reason was. His eyes lit up, and he leapt twice his height into the air--or about a foot or so, give or take an inch.
"Ah ha!" he boomed, "I've got it! I'm here to offer you a proposition, son. Yes, that's it."
"What kind of proposition?" Ranma asked him. His eyes brightened. "To solve all my problems?" he added hopefully.
Mr. Weird frowned. "No, of course not, son. What kind of Agent of Chaos would I be if I got rid of your problems?" He laughed thunderously, shaking his head. "No, son, I'm hear to ADD to your problems--that is, if you'll accept."
Ranma felt his jaw bounce off his knees for the second time today. "Why would I want MORE problems?" he asked incredulously.
The little man drew out a mallet easily twenty times his own size and smashed Ranma on the head with it. "Never ask why," he thundered sternly, and then added, "It's terribly rude."
Ranma rubbed the large knot on his head, his left eye twitching madly. "And hammerin' somebody on the head ISN'T?" he snarled. Small waves of heat began to wash into the air around him.
The little man considered it. "I see your point, but it's also rude to point out other people's mistakes." The wooden hammer made another miraculous appearance, about twice as big as the last time.
*WHAM!*
Ranma pulled himself out of the top of the roof, his new headache fading suddenly with a rush of adrenaline. His battle aura roared to full life around him, making the tiles beneath his feet shudder and crack. "Oh, you are SO DEAD..."
Mr. Weird appeared to be considering his options--and his mortality. He grinned amiably, and started to back away. "Well, I'll come back later, when you've had the chance to think it over," he said, his voice becoming octaves higher as he wore on. "After all, can't be hasty with these decisions. No, that wouldn't do at all..." He quickly drew back the sleeve of his suit coat, glancing at a good-sized grandfather clock that appeared. "Yes, well, look at the time, gotta be--YIPE!"
"MOKO TAKABISHA!"
Weird narrowly dodged the blast, almost losing his large hat. The midget made a break for it, his little legs pumping with surprising speed, and he actually managed to leap to the next rooftop. Ranma took off after him, his eyes glowing with a rather evil light.
***
Some time later, Ranma strode through the living room, looking tired but satisfied. Akane looked up from the TV as he walked past, but Nabiki continued to ignore him. Akane frowned.
"Where have you been, Ranma?" she asked worriedly.
Ranma paused and turned to her, then grinned.
"Midget hunting," he said fiercely, and then threw his head back and laughed downright diabolically. Without pausing to see their reaction, he strode out of the room, his laughter trailing behind him.
Akane and Nabiki looked at each other and blinked.
"Bizarre."
"You said it, sis."
***
Later that night, Nabiki frowned down on a little tally sheet, tapping her lip absently with a finger. She blinked, and then looked more closely at it.
"Wait a second! Just how do you get a score of 33 with only five six-sided dice?"
***
The next day dawned bright and early--which was a good thing, seeing as any day in the summer that dawned dark and late would have astrologers and doomsayers whipped into foam-mouthed hysterics. Not to mention the havoc it'd cause on the solar-powered car race scheduled that afternoon.
In any case, a few hours after dawn, breakfast was being eaten at the Tendo residence. There wasn't much talk--the loud gulping and slurping sounds made conversation difficult--but aside from the usual noise, it seemed like a quiet and peaceful morning. The kind of Saturday morning that made you just want to kick back, watch some TV, and maybe go for a walk and enjoy the sunshine a little bit.
Ranma had a gut feeling it wouldn't last.
Even as the rice seemingly evaporated from his bowl, Ranma's eyes wandered around to all the doorways and windows, darting at sudden movements. When Kasumi came out of the kitchen to collect some dirty dishes, he nearly jumped out of his skin, whipping out his chopsticks and holding them in front of him like daggers.
Kasumi blinked and gave a startled "Oh, my..." and Ranma froze. He relaxed slowly, scratching the back of his head and laughing nervously. It sounded more than a little forced.
Genma Saotome frowned briefly at him before returning to his meal, but Kasumi and Akane eyed him worriedly.
"Is everything alright, Ranma-kun?" Kasumi asked tentatively.
"What? Oh... no, it nothin'."
Akane leaned closer, a little worry line creasing her forehead. "Are you sure, Ranma? Nothing's wrong?"
Ranma shook his head. "No... well, yeah, but it's no big deal. I can handle it."
Akane's look grew more stern. "Come on Ranma, out with it. What's up?"
Ranma glared at her. "I just got a funny feeling, okay? No biggie, if you ask--"
"A funny feeling?" Nabiki said, appearing so suddenly beside Ranma that he nearly shot through the roof. "What kind of funny feeling?" Her eyes narrowed. "An Impending Doom kind of feeling? A Massive-Property-Damage-Is-Imminent kind of feeling?"
"I don't know," Ranma snapped, detaching himself from the ceiling, "I ain't exactly got my feelings catalogued. Why do you ask?"
Nabiki was already scribbling down a number and handing it to Akane. "This is the number of our emergency construction firm, in case something major gives out. I'm giving one to Kasumi too, just in case you get kidnapped."
"Hey! It doesn't happen THAT often."
Nabiki gave her a very level look.
"Okay, maybe it does."
"But where are you going, Nabiki?" Kasumi asked suddenly.
"There's a solar-powered car race I'm taking bets on. Daddy's already there; he's a judge.
"I was wondering where Tendo was this morning," Genma murmured into his cup.
"So," Nabiki continued, "unless something drastic happens," she glared briefly at Ranma, who gave her an offended look, "I should be gone most of the day."
Kasumi nodded. "Alright, imouto-chan. Have fun!"
Nabiki nodded, and then turned on Ranma. "And I'll be having a little talk with YOU later," she told him, and almost marched out of the house.
Ranma blinked, turning to Akane. "What'd I do now?"
Akane shrugged. "You know Nabiki. She probably lost money on something."
"Hmm... can't think of anything. Weird."
"I told you, son," a voice echoed somewhere near Akane, "That's Mr. Weird to you."
Before even Ranma could react, Akane spun around, quickly spotting the little man. Then her automatic senses to short old men in her close proximity kicked in, and she responded with a knee-jerk reaction.
*WHAM!*
There was a short pause while Genma, reacting to his own natural instincts, fled the room and did a dive into the koi pond and stayed there.
"Not bad, girl," Mr. Weird's unsteady voice came from inside the floor, somewhere beneath a huge mallet, "but you need just a bit of a twist when you hit the target. Gives it a nice turning impact. But you're young and stupid; it'll come, some day."
Akane slowly removed the large blunt object from the new hole, peering down at the thing inside. Who W. Weird leapt out, seeming totally unhurt. The little man regarded Akane for a moment, who looked as if she didn't know whether to apologize or finish the job, and then he whirled around to face Ranma again, his little arms folded in front of his chest.
"So," Weird boomed, "we meet again, Ranma Saotome. Are you ready to accept my offer?"
Ranma snorted loud enough to startle nearby birds. "Not a chance in hell, shorty."
The Agent of Chaos shook his head sadly, his face set and firm. "Then I'm afraid there's no other way. I'll have to force you to agree."
Ranma glared at the little man in the eye--which he had to bend more than double to accomplish. "And just what are you going to do, you dwarfed, runty excuse for a midget?"
The little man smiled. Ranma had seen that kind of smile before. The other person who wore it usually went around in a blue gymnastics leotard, twirling a long red ribbon and laughing hysterically at nothing.
This, Ranma thought to himself, could be a Bad Sign.
Mr. Weird leapt back, and after a short yet complicated dance in a small circle, he snapped his fingers sharply. There was a rushing sound, followed by a loud pop. Ranma tensed, ready for something huge and scaly with ten-inch fangs to come leaping out of Nowhere. For a moment, though, it looked like nothing had happened.
"And just what was THAT supposed to do, you... you..." Ranma trailed off when he realized that the room was somehow very crowded now. Slowly, his eyes traveled around the small eating area, growing wider and wider as he made his way around.
Ryoga, Mousse, Kuno, Ryu Kumon, Lime, Mint, Happosai and even Azusa Shiratori were all staring at the pig-tailed martial artist in surprise. Well, Ryoga was more angry than surprised. He was the only one used to suddenly ending up at Tendo-ke for no apparent reason--from his point of view, anyway.
After a short pause for breath, the room suddenly became very loud. Challenges, death threats, demands for explanations, lewd suggestions and the occasional "Oh, Francine!" flew around the room, and there was a mad rush. Ranma had just an instant to look despairingly at Akane.
"Doomed," he told her weakly.
"No joke," she sighed.
***
Several long, hectic, exhausting, and otherwise painful hours later, Ranma and Akane sat perched on top of the flattened remains of Tendo-ke, blankly watching as Kasumi shuffled around, humming something cheery and gathering up bits of furniture and other valuables. Both he and Akane looked more than a little frazzled, as though they'd stood too close to a lightning rod in a thunderstorm, but Ranma had the extra effect of looking like a few herds of elephants had decided he was a pretty good place to stampede.
"Ranma," Akane said suddenly, swaying only slightly, "Don't you think you'd better hide or something? I'd hate to be around when Nabiki and Daddy come home..."
"I ain't goin' nowhere unless it's in an ambulance," came Ranma's feeble reply.
"If Nabiki finds you here, you'll be going in a hearse."
"...Good point."
"Well!" Mr. Weird's huge voice erupted suddenly from all around them, "Now you can see just a little of what I can do. I will come and make my offer again tomorrow. If you still refuse, I'm afraid I'll have to get... drastic. Good afternoon!"
There was a moment of stunned silence, and then Ranma and Akane looked slowly at each other--it was tougher for Ranma, whose neck wouldn't work properly--and sighed.
"This is all your fault, baka," Akane said vaguely.
"No it ain't, tomboy," Ranma replied, one eye drooping dangerously.
"Baka."
"Tomboy."
"Baka."
"Tomboy."
"Baka."
"Tom..." Ranma trailed off and started to snore.
"Ha. I win."
Suddenly, two snores filled the air, marking with special prominence what would later be called the First Day of Chaos. How much later? Well, that's not the point at all. Besides, that would land us in a needless and tedious debate on the exact calendar, which would waste our time much as has been done in this paragraph, not to mention it might change at the author's whim.
Needless to say, it must leave one to wonder; what will the Second Day bring?
...
Either that or what illegal substances the author is using; a popular one among family members and close friends.
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