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Agent of Chaos
Chapter II: Black Sunday--With Green and Yellow Stripes
Disclaimer: Don't own Ranma 1/2 or anything having to do with it. You're surprised, right?
Ranma considered himself lucky.
For one thing, it looked like it wasn't going to rain this evening. For Ranma, that always added a little extra plus to an otherwise horrible day. After all, what kind of person can be truly comfortable when they change into the opposite sex? Well, except maybe when he's having ice cream... or sunbathing... or getting free food... or distracting enemies... Ranma made himself stop listing. It led down a dangerous line of thought.
Second, and more importantly, he wasn't dead.
There had been swearing and cursing, death threats and rages, thrown objects and attacks in full armor with a staff that had a huge, wicked-looking blade on the end. And, after a few hours of watering the lawn, Mr. Tendo joined Nabiki, and had been pretty angry at him, too.
Thankfully, Ranma had lots of training in combating new opponents, and using any means necessary to win. He'd even had to create a special new technique for the occasion; successor to the Crouch of the Leaping Tiger.
Yes, it was the dreaded Anything-Goes School Beg for Mercy Technique.
So, once Nabiki had been pacified--it took three promised photo shoots, a ten-thousand yen addition to Ranma's a debt, and Kasumi's disapproving "Nabiki..."--they got to work salvaging what they could. Actually, most of the personal effects were present and intact, with the possible exception of Akane's underwear, which Happosai had made off with toward the end of the battle.
Meanwhile, Akane and Ranma filled Mr. Tendo in on what had happened.
"So," the Master of Anything Goes began, frowning at a large stick of TNT he'd just discovered, which Nabiki snatched from his hand, "This Mr. Weird is supposed to show up again tomorrow, then?"
Ranma nodded glumly, carefully stepping over a large and nasty-looking hermit crab. "That's what he said."
"And he's going to do more things of this kind?"
Ranma sighed. "Yeah, I guess so."
Soun Tendo nodded solemnly, stroking his mustache with a finger. Then he whirled on Ranma and grabbed him by the collar, Demon-Head out and breathing fire.
"WHY DIDN'T YOU ACCEPT HIS OFFER?"
"B-But--I mean, I--" Ranma gibbered.
"Be serious, Daddy," Nabiki cut in, glaring as a scruffy old bum crawled out of the woodwork, took one harried glance around and ran like Jane Fonda was hot on his heels. "More problems for Ranma means more problems for us." She paused, and added in a frigid tone, "As you can see."
Tendo's head deflated to its normal size, and he thought it over. His eyes immediately began to fill with tears.
"Get a hold of yourself, Daddy!" Akane snapped. "Kasumi just got finished mopping up around here!"
Mr. Tendo blinked. "Oh, right. Sorry. Where was I? Oh, yes. Cleaning."
He abruptly let go of Ranma and started shuffling around, picking up bits of broken ceiling beams. Ranma's face hit some of them with a loud 'thwack,' sending dust curling in the air around him.
"No lying down on the job, Saotome," Nabiki said quietly, glaciers forming in the air around her.
Ranma said something that was muffled by a floor board. It was just as well, because it was probably highly unflattering, not to mention inappropriate for non-adult readers. All right, if you really want to know, it sounded something like "Mrrpher irkin' mprfener!" except with more reference to body parts and illustrative expletives.
***
Sunday dawned. Which was a good thing, too, because it would be difficult to describe the scene otherwise, and the author would have to fall back on "It was dark." But, seeing as the sun DID come up, that enables one to more accurately describe the following scene.
Streaks of light drifted and played across the remains of Tendo-ke as the sun surmounted the skyscrapers in the distance, rather like a really bright King Kong--that is, if King Kong were a burning ball of gas millions of miles away. Even so, if anyone had looked on the place where the Tendo Dojo had until recently sat, they would see something quite extraordinary resting on the room's tatami flooring.
Pieces of broken wood, steel supports, water pipes, and one hermit crab were lashed tightly together to form a high wall. Sharpened spikes and nasty, hooked barbs lined the outside, along with several little metal wires that sizzled when anything strayed too close to them. Large, black barrels protruded through the fortifications at regular intervals, shining dully against the glow of about a dozen space blankets, set at just the right angle to reflect a blinding amount of sunlight to the outside. The shallow dirt and grass around it all had been converted into a makeshift minefield full of bear-traps, small explosives, and pop-up pictures of Marilyn Manson.
Nabiki looked out over it all and nodded, a half-smile curving the corner of her mouth. When all others failed, she always had a plan. With just calling on a few favors, keeping strict control of her "workers," and some decent ingenuity, she had constructed something that was capable of holding off a small army of wackos--which is exactly what they were expecting--at least for a while. That is, if everybody did their job.
Speak of a devil, her Father poked his head over the stockade, his eyes darting beneath an old samurai helmet. "You see anything, Saotome?"
Genma's head sprang up beside his friend's, topped with an old green army helmet with three crescent moons and a big white star. "Nothing yet, Tendo," he murmured gruffly, acting for all the world as if he were a general in a war. "But I can feel something coming in the wind."
Nabiki smirked. Mr. Saotome had been set as Head Watchmen because of his keen survival instincts. Therefore, once Genma whipped out his Saotome Secret Technique--that is, ran away--Nabiki knew they had about two minutes to get ready before something came.
It looked like Daddy knew it, too.
"So, are you at least going to stick around until the midget is in sight, Saotome?"
"Tendo!" Genma gasped, looking hurt. "How could you say such a thing to your oldest friend! I would never run away in your time of need!"
"You did yesterday."
"I resent that, Tendo! I was merely, ah, going for a nice swim. It was hot, you know."
"And I suppose that all this I hear about you running like a coward when the Master appeared was because you were going shopping? Isn't that right, Saotome?"
"Oh, get off your high horse, Tendo! Since when have YOU ever stood up to the Master? Besides by crying on him, I mean?"
"SAOTOME, I'LL--"
"WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!" Ranma and Akane shouted, bashing their respective parents with respectively blunt objects. The Masters of Anything-Goes sat down suddenly, eyes swirly and hands up in gestures that might be roughly translated as "Begone Thou Source of Pain" or perhaps "Owie!"
"Thank you," Nabiki told them coolly, "but now that that's over, get back to your posts. Mr. Weird could show up at any moment."
At these words, Genma Saotome suddenly shot to his feet. After a frantic look around, he suddenly darted away, easily leaping out over the wall and into the rooftops, not leaving even a trail of smoke behind him.
"I heard my name," Weird thundered from somewhere outside the "fort." "I know I did."
Ranma glared at Nabiki, an awful twitch in his left eye.
"Okay, so maybe my estimate was a little off..."
"What's all this?" came the little man's big voice from some ways away. He laughed like an elephant choking on a bass guitar. "You think this can stand against MY powers?"
"Do your worst, squirt!" Ranma roared, and chucked a lit piece of dynamite at the diminutive figure in the distance. Mr. Weird snatched it out of the air, looking at it curiously.
"Hey," he boomed, scratching his head, "isn't this--"
*BOOM*
In the center of a new crater on the edge of the "minefield," the midget of midgets gasped smoke into the air, beard almost half gone and his clothes singed in front. His hat had somehow managed to make it through the experience unharmed.
"WHY YOU--" he squeaked, and then visibly got a hold of himself. "That's it! Now let's go to Phase 2!" He began to dance slowly, his feet clicking together and his arms straight down. Then he leaped onto his hands, spun on his head, and did a double back-flip onto his feet again. Nabiki began to lose patience when he started break-dancing.
Finally, he rolled back to his feet, and snapped his fingers twice, so fast it sounded almost like a single snap. There was the same rushing sound that Ranma described that had come before, and an earth-shattering CRACK.
Two groups appeared in front of the "fort." On one side were what Nabiki could only describe as barbarians. Dressed in untanned leather and furs, and hefting huge broadswords and double-bladed battle axes that were obviously magical--judging by the bright rainbow-colored glow they were emitting--they grunted and snarled at each other, comparing the size of their weapons. On the other side were ninjas. The black clothing, face masks, and totally silent movement clued Nabiki in on this. That, and the kanji in blood-red on each man's arm that read "Ninja of the Black Dragon with Green and Yellow Stripes and Big, Nasty Fangs."
"ATTACK!" Mr. Weird bellowed, jumping up and down and waving his arms. Without a pause, the barbarians rushed forward into the minefield, their war cries echoing in the air with a strange pig-like ring to them. The ninjas--showing at least a bit of intelligence--held back and let them go, watching to see what would happen.
Snapping sounds followed by howls of pain came from ahead as the first barbarians discovered the bear traps. One was even thick enough to stand in the middle of one, looking down at it curiously and prodding the center with his sword.
Let's just say he wasn't going anywhere for a while.
Then, as the burly men struggled past the first line, small explosions and fiery bursts flared up around them. At least three of them began making a strategic retreat, flailing their arms and running around with fire licking at their furs. Nevertheless, most of the stubborn savages continued onward as the ninjas watched with interest, eating popcorn and making a running commentary.
Nabiki smiled slightly and thumbed a large, obvious red button on a black box. There was a sound like two dozen springs being released at once, and the flapping of poster paper in the wind. A sudden, deafening silence followed; even the sound of all breathing had stopped. Then, in one terrified rush of gasps and screams of absolute horror, the barbarians fled, ignoring the explosions and bear-traps that went off as they ran away.
Nabiki smirked at Ranma. "The Marilyn Manson poster collection," she said quietly. "The best psychological warfare money can buy."
Ranma nodded slowly, and then gasped. He jerked Nabiki and Akane down behind the barricade as dozens of throwing stars whirled through the air, slicing the posters and hitting the wall with a solid-sounding THUNK and the occasional CLANG.
"Fire the cannons!" Nabiki shouted, and her Father nodded briskly. With several lit matches, he sent bowling balls flying through the air into the ranks of the ninjas, who had apparently decided now would be a good time to attack. As the projectiles neared the men in black getups, there was the sound of slicing and whirling. The defenders of Tendo-ke watched the pieces fall to the ground around the unhurt assassins.
"Not bad," Ranma said admiringly, and Nabiki glared at him. "What?" he protested. "It's true!"
"Never mind!" the Ice Queen snapped, turning to her father. "Fire the OTHER ammo, Daddy."
Soun Tendo went a little pale, and nodded shortly. He turned and loaded the cannons quickly as the ninja band stalked forward, carefully avoiding traps. In three short explosions, the new ammo was fired off, and Nabiki smiled as it soared through the air. This was her last secret weapon. It was heavier than the bowling balls, more tube-shaped, was lined on the middle with little explosives and--
*SHRING* *SHRING* *SQUELCH!*
--packed to the brim with Vaseline.
"EWW!" a ninja in front said disgustedly, trying to wipe the slimy petroleum jelly off his face. Another jerked his sword to clean it off, causing it to slip from his fingers and stab another ninja in the foot. Said ninja hopped around a moment, yowling like an old cat and clutching his toes, until he lost his balance on his remaining slippery shoe, and fell backward with his arms flailing behind him. In one flailing hand, he just happened to be holding a small throwing star, which shot out from between his greasy fingers and right into the man behind him's groin. The no-longer-quite-a-man squeaked something too high-pitched to make out clearly, and toppled slowly to the ground.
The wiser ninjas in the back of the mob ignored their fallen comrades-- except perhaps for the occasional disgusted glance before carefully stepping over them. After two attempts to simply climb the barricade ended in fried, spiky hairdos and second degree burns, they decided it would probably be a better idea to leap over the wall instead.
Nabiki saw her father and Ranma exchange a quick glance, and then they leapt into action, Akane right behind them. Nabiki decided now was a good time to get under cover. She dove under a large basket covered in steel support beams, and watched the three of them get to work.
All things considered, the ninjas weren't half bad. They looked experienced and fairly well disciplined, and had all the proper equipment. Even so, Ranma Saotome was arguably the greatest martial artist in the world, and Daddy wasn't a slouch, either. They had about as much chance of losing as Akane cooking a fine gourmet meal.
Not to mention the fact than any man who would join an organization called "The Ninjas of the Black Dragon with Green and Yellow Stripes and Big, Nasty Fangs" probably wasn't the brightest sort anyway.
A few fast-moving moments later, the last man in black pajamas was snoozing away, right and ready for a police car to pick him up--or an ambulance, depending on how nice Ranma had been feeling.
Judging by the pain-stricken groaning, Ranma was in a bad mood.
"What now, short stuff?" Ranma smirked, folding his arms over his chest.
Who W. Weird regarded Ranma calmly with his mismatched blue and gold eyes, scratching at his frizzy beard with a finger. Then he shrugged. "I guess I have to take care of you myself, then," he roared, and drew out a very, very large mallet.
Before Ranma could stop her--Nabiki guessed his reflexes were still off from the beating he had yesterday--Akane leapt over the wall and to the edge of the minefield, brandishing her own large, blunt weapon. There were three quick wooden-sounding cracks, and then Akane and Weird leapt back away from each other.
"Oh, it's you again. The stupid kid," Mr. Weird rumbled. Akane's scowl deepened considerably. "And I see that your trans-dimensional mallet is as big as mine." He crouched down into a fighting stance. "Let's see how you handle it!"
They charged each other, Akane's angry battle aura flaring around her.
*Crack-a crack-a!* *Snap!* *Whoosh!* *WHAM!*
Akane cocked her mallet over her shoulder, smirking like Ranma on his best day.
"I see you remembered the twist," a voice warbled from deep inside the ground. Then there was an angry grunt and a curse, and Who W. Weird pulled himself from the earth, amazingly swaying only slightly at he got to his feet.
"That's it!" he thundered, his eyes a little unfocused and a huge knot forming on the top of his head. "You've forced me to use the dance I was saving for a special occasion!"
He began to wobble drunkenly in a circle, gibbering something in a strange language, while juggling three carving knives, a stethoscope, and what looked to be pickled herring. He stopped wobbling suddenly and broke the stethoscope, carved the herring up with the knives, eating only the bones. Then he started throwing the meat everywhere, chanting "Big bad spell! Big bad spell!"
Mr. Weird stopped abruptly and clapped his hands. There was a rushing sound, this time as loud as a roar, and an enormous thunderclap. Then, the residents of Tendo-ke looked slowly at what had appeared. It was big and purple, and had a huge, insane grin plastered on its face.
"Hee hee hee HEE!"
The horror.
"I love you, you love me! We're all one big family!"
Oh, the horror.
"He stays with you forever if you don't agree," Mr. Weird stated with an evil smile. "He's also completely indestructible."
Everyone looked at the thing in terror, and then turned back to the little man.
"HE AGREES! HE AGREES!" Soun, Nabiki and Akane shouted, panic-stricken.
"I AGREE! I AGREE!" Ranma added fervently.
Who W. Weird chuckled, stroking his chin. "I just knew you'd come around."
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