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Agent of Chaos
Chapter III: Architecture, and Annoying the Gods
Disclaimer: I humbly beg your pardon, but these characters and such ain't mine, I'm just stealin' em' fer a bit fer me own purposes. ARR!
Mr. Weird grinned like a pint-sized hyena, and banished the Evil Purple Monster from the Beyond with a wave of his hand. There was a hollow popping sound, and then a rush. Ranma looked back to see that the unconscious remainder of his minions had disappeared.
"Ranma Saotome," Weird stated thunderously, making his way toward the martial artist. "Now that that's done, we must confirm our contract in the traditional way--with a handshake."
Ranma blinked, looked down at his hand, and then down at Weird's outstretched fingers, and blinked again. The little man's fist would have been dwarfed in a newborn's palm.
"Er," Ranma said slowly, "And how exactly are we gonna do that? I mean, er, your hand is, uh, kinda..." He strove to think of the words that wouldn't land him with a mallet-sized headache.
Weird glared at him. "Just shake with your pinky, alright?" he snapped indignantly.
"Okay, okay, jeez!"
Slowly, like he was expecting to get it bitten off, Ranma stretched his hand toward the travel-size Agent of Chaos. Rumbling with impatience, Mr. Weird took it--at least the pinky--and shook it heartily.
A sudden fierce light bloomed around their hands, quickly traveling up around Ranma until it covered his body. He tried to jerk back, but Weird's grip on his little finger was implacable. Instead, he pulled hard on Mr. Weird, trying to shake him off, and Mr. Weird pulled back, glaring and sputtering indignantly.
So, in a brilliant halo of light, began the first Anything-Goes Pinky-Wrestling competition.
And while the competitors shifted and strained and twisted around, the light glowed all the more brilliantly. Suddenly, it shot skyward in a fiery pillar, cutting through the clouds, through the outer atmosphere, and into the heavens beyond.
Of course, the people living in the heavens were none too pleased.
Arulhanana, Goddess of Thunder, Beauty, and Bad Morning People, awoke mid-snore with a snort. She glanced blearily around her bright red and blue bedchamber, squinting to see what was the matter, and making plans to kill it. As her vision cleared, she began to realize how very, ah, effulgent her room had suddenly become. Growling a quite unladylike oath with lightning crackling at her fingertips, she rolled over and shuffled out of bed, a red burn going in her eyes.
She glanced around, and with her Far Seeing Eyes--a pair of really thick spectacles with cheetah motif frames--she quickly spotted the source of the irritating light. Muttering irritably, Arulhanana called upon her powers of lightning, with a curse on it that anyone who got hit with it would wake up grumpy and out-of-sorts every morning for a month. With an annoyed snap of her fingers, she sent the lightning earthward.
Back on the third planet, Ranma had just about gotten Mr. Weird to submit with a deft triple-twist grappling move, when his danger sense went off like... um, like something big and noisy, usually involving explosives and painful burns. Acting on instinct, Ranma jerked Mr. Weird into the air, and the Agent of Chaos gave a startled yelp.
There was a rush of air and an enormous roar as a straight shaft of lightning shot out of the clear sky, and with stunning accuracy, showered its affection down on the midget. And, in defiance of physics, it arced from the little man's feet to the ground, ignoring Ranma completely.
For a moment, Ranma was a little offended. After all, he was just as good as everybody else, wasn't he? Didn't he have the right to be electrocuted like your average person? What was so wrong with him?
Ranma paused mid-thought. It had suddenly occurred to him how stupid it was.
Blinking, the martial artist let go of the six-inch man, who hit the ground and continued to sizzle quite delightfully. As soon as their hands released, the glow and the pillar of light faded, leaving only a slight hush in its wake. He glanced around and discovered that everyone was staring at him
"What?" he demanded.
"Ranma," Akane spoke up, "Are you... okay?"
Ranma's eyes narrowed. "Why? What did the tiny punk do?" Not waiting for an answer, he looked down at himself, patting his chest and legs, making sure all the proper body parts were still present. Well, his clothes were a little worse for wear, but other than that... He took a hold of his pigtail and glanced at it. Yup, still black. He whipped out a mirror. Ranma grinned cheekily at himself, turning his head to see his entire face.
"Alright, I give up," he said finally. "What is it?"
Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "You mean besides the fact that you just spent the past ten minutes pinky wrestling a midget in a pillar of light?"
Ranma glared at her, but she only smiled thinly in return.
"Are you sure you feel alright?" Akane continued. "I mean, don't you feel... strange at all?"
Ranma thought about it. Well, short-stuff must have been doing SOMETHING with all the light show trash. He thought hard, using his senses to look deep within his body and his mind, searching for some difference in his aura. Then Ranma felt something in his mind, and latched onto it. It was as if he felt... as if he felt...
Absolutely nothing.
He was exactly the same as he'd been before.
"Hey, deep-fried!" he demanded, pointing an accusing finger at the little gnome. "What exactly did you do to me?"
"I didn't--" *ZZZRRZT* "--do anything!" he stuttered, still highly charged.
"WHAT?"
"I just thought--" *RRRZTST* "--that it might--" *SIZZLE* "--make it a memorable--" *ZAKAZZZT* *POP!* "--occasion!" he gasped, falling into twitches.
Ranma felt his left eye start to twitch, too. "You--you--"
*WHAM!*
Ranma blinked, glancing up from the mallet and to Akane. "Uh, thanks," he mumbled.
Akane smiled. "No problem."
"Oh, that's the stuff," Mr. Weird said suddenly, and they glanced down at him. The little man had gotten to his feet, stretching and popping his back.
"Thanks, stupid girl," he blared, dusting off his clothes. "That was just what I needed to snap me out of that."
Ranma glanced briefly at Akane, who was looking furious with herself.
"Now that that's taken care of," Who W. Weird announced, straightening to his full height of six inches, "I'll just fix your little house here. It looks to be a bit of a mess."
Akane gaped, but Ranma snapped "A mess that YOU caused, ya'--"
"Why would you fix it for us?" Nabiki cut in, her eyes narrowed. "What's in it for you?
"Why, my dear lady," Weird answered, ignoring Ranma, "Why completely destroy a place that is such a wonderful nexus of chaos as this is?"
Nabiki considered it a moment with a flat expression. "Point taken."
"This means... we don't have to repair it ourselves?" Mr. Tendo asked, already near tears.
Akane sighed. "Yes, daddy. We don't have to fix it--I hope." She glanced at Weird, who looked offended at her lack of trust.
"I'm offended at your lack of trust," he said levelly, then stuck his nose in the air and sniffed.
Soun had already decided it was worth celebrating, though. "Oh, wait until Kasumi comes home from shopping," he wept, looking skyward. "Won't she be thrilled?"
"Not to mention that Mom comes home from her trip visiting a friend tomorrow," Ranma told Akane out of the corner of his mouth. She looked at him, wide-eyed.
"I'd almost forgotten," she said slowly
"Alright, then!" Mr. Weird roared, pounding his chest with a tiny, hollow 'thump.' "Let's get this done!"
He whistled shrilly a moment, and then snapped his fingers. Music started to play as he strutted to one side, his hat disappearing and an old straw one with a red band appearing in his hand. He snatched at a cane that flew out of thin air, put the new hat on his head, and started tap-dancing. Spinning the cane in one hand, he pointed toward the remains of Tendo-ke, never losing step with the music.
Slowly at first, and then even more slowly, the buildings began to re-assemble themselves. Then, as if they thought they'd left enough time for dramatic pause, they shot together again with Amaguriken-like speed, the broken boards and piping fitting together seamlessly. After a few more moments, it was done.
Ranma gaped at it.
Sure enough, all the buildings and grounds were back together. The koi were back in the pond, the yard was clean and swept, the wood of the building looked solid and well cared-for, and there even seemed to be something cooking in the kitchen. It was amazing; incredible. In fact, Ranma would have called it downright, ah, really good if it weren't for that fact that, well...
"It's upside down," Nabiki observed, chunks of ice floating in the air around her.
And indeed, where the roof had once stood, the foundation stuck up into the air like a precariously balanced launch pad. The doors were all up high with knobs on the wrong side, and the windows were all close to the ground. There was a sudden startled squawk as a bird attempted to land on the top and was electrocuted by the wiring that was hanging in the air.
"Yes, well," Mr. Weird hedged in his deep bass, looking oddly nervous, "I thought it'd be a nice change, don't you know? I mean, didn't the other way get so boring? What is with the interest in rightside-up around these parts?"
If looks could kill, Nabiki's would have slowly flayed the little man, starting by delicately cutting away his red boots and sautéing them in olive oil, and ending with storing his head inside a pickle jar full of hydrochloric acid.
Weird laughed, his voice slightly higher than usual. "Alright, then, if you're going to be that way about it... just a joke, after all..." He make a sharp gesture with his cane, and with an abrupt sort of jerk, Tendo-ke leapt into the air, did a gigantic mid-air somersault, and settled back to the ground in its proper position with something that sounded like an enormous grunt.
Mr. Weird made a similar-sounding noise, and the hat and cane faded away. Sighing, he put on his old hat, and wiped his sweaty forehead with the back of his hand.
"Well, it's been swell," he boomed, turning to look around at everyone, "But I'm afraid it is time for me to go. But," he grinned toothily at Ranma, "I shall see you all tomorrow, when we'll get things started." His grin took a nasty turn. "Have a nice evening. Sleep well. Things will be... different in the morning."
He paused, thinking about what he had said. Then he burst into laughter, pointing and snickering at the group of them with an outstretched finger. With a final "Ha HAH!" he vanished in a puff of acrylic pink smoke.
There was a bare moment when everyone stared, blinking stupidly, at the place where the little man had been. Then there was the sound of footsteps, echoing hollowly as they drew closer. Everyone tensed until Kasumi came into view, a small shopping bag swaying in her hand, and somebody trailing along behind her made unidentifiable by the sheer number of groceries they were carrying.
Ranma felt a familiar tingle on the back of his neck, and one glance at the person's shoes confirmed it.
"Hello everyone!" Kasumi was saying, "Oh! I see you got things worked out after all. I guess I didn't need to get quite so many groceries. There are an awful lot of them, you see, but just when I decided I needed help, I bumped into--"
"Ryoga," Ranma finished, grabbing just enough of the bags to uncover the Lost Boy's face. "What I don't understand is, how did he manage to follow you all the way here?"
Ryoga glared at him, and started to say something, but Ranma stuffed the bags he had taken back into place, cutting fang-teeth's cursing down to a mumble.
"A good question," Nabiki mused, looked at the now-swaying King of Bad Senses of Direction. "Maybe it was the fact he couldn't see."
Kasumi shrugged an smiled. "This way, Ryoga-kun." Ryoga trundled after her, incredibly able to follow her exactly.
"Wow," Ranma said, slightly awed. "Things around here just keep getting weirder and weirder..." He and Akane looked at each other, shrugged, and went inside. There really wasn't much else to do.
***
On Monday, as luck would have it, the sun came up in its usual fashion. You know, all bright yellows and oranges, with little flares of white that are just SO fabulous! And those golden rays stretching from the horizon and over the landscape are just to DIE for!
...
Don't ask. The answer would scare you.
Nevertheless, on this FABULOUS sunny morning, Ranma awoke to an unusually... fresh smell in the air. Almost like he was out on a training trip, or something...
He sat up suddenly, looking around. No, he was still back in the room he shared with Pop, the light of day sprinkling like so much tinsel over his futon. Which was rather odd, since he didn't remember having any windows in his room.
Ranma thought about that a moment, but it made his head hurt, so he decided to forget it. Instead, on a whim, he decided to get up and have a look around. Careful to let sleeping pandas lie, he snuck stealthily out of the little room and slid the door slowly closed behind him. After wandering the house aimlessly for a few minutes, contemplating his life, the universe, and the fifth floorboard on the right that creaked loudly when he walked by, he suddenly found himself staring at the front door.
Well, he thought, it seems like a pretty nice day to go out and look around a bit. That air comin in smells GOOD.
Slowly, Ranma pushed the door open, and then stared blankly out at what he saw.
Glittering like so many blue gems, a thousand sparkling pools stretch out in front of him. Thousands more stiff bamboo poles stuck into the air like the spines of an enormous porcupine, some leaning and broken and others still stiff and new. In the distance, Ranma could make out a little cabin set against a hill with a slow plume of smoke rising from the chimney. The sky was an emerald blue.
Eyes glazing dangerously, Ranma casually slid the door shut again.
What a nice day to stay inside.
It took him three tries, but Ranma finally got his legs to move properly, and started to make his way back to his waiting futon, passing Kasumi in the hallway.
"Oh! You're up early today, Ranma-kun! Is everything alright?"
"Fine," Ranma said vaguely, waving his hand dismissively with his expression blank. "Just slowly going totally insane. Nothin ta' worry about."
Kasumi blinked. "Oh, my..."
Ranma grinned as if to prove his claim, and walked unsteadily back into his room. He slid the door closed, stumbled back to his futon, and lay down. Abruptly, he snatched his father's pillow and pressed it hard against his face, shouting unfriendly things about short people and banging his fist on the floor.
Another eventful day was brewing in the life of Ranma Saotome. And Who W. Weird had made sure to add lots of ammo and explosives to the mix.
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