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Agent of Chaos
Chapter V: Of Portable Holes and Cheese-Whiz
Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 is not mine, nor is anything having to do with it. But though I'm borrowing all these characters, the INSANITY is all mine. ALL MINE! ALL MINE!
A loud, resounding CLANG echoed through the Tendo residence, like something heavy and sharp was being repeatedly driven into steel. Over and over and over the shrill tone rang out, shifting pottery and furniture in their places.
"Well, Tendo," Genma Saotome grinned, pushing a large piece of tropical fruit Jell-O across the game board, "It looks like things may not turn out so bad after all."
Soun Tendo nodded, his hand hovering over a large cupcake, gritting his teeth while the sound of a saw scraping metal filled the air. "Indeed, Saotome," he said when the screeching had subsided, moving the cupcake, "This whole business could very well be to our advantage."
There was a WHIR WHIR as what sounded like an electric drill dug against something hard, followed by a loud snap and somebody cursing.
"Hmm... good move, Tendo." Genma frowned at the game board a moment, then grabbed a handful of little licorice pills and dumped them on the cupcake. "Yes, I think if we play our cards right, we could finally get the retirement we deserve!"
A long, keening SHHHING cut through the air as a large and expensive table saw dulled itself on an uncompromisingly hard surface.
"Yes, Saotome!" Tendo said, tearing up enough so that his friend had to cover the food on the game board, "We may finally get Ranma and Akane together!"
At this statement, the entire house began to shake violently as the sounds of a large and murderous-looking jack-hammer filled the room. Kasumi gasped, and nearly dropped the plate she'd been drying, and Nabiki flicked an annoyed glance toward the dojo. The "pieces" on the game board nearly came sliding off, but Genma, in a moment of quick thinking, ate them all before they hit they ground.
"What is this--" swear word, body part, expletive, geographical reference, "--stuff made of?" a voice shouted from the dojo. "We've tried almost everything! Why did that--" oath, unflattering description, darned-bloody-bad word, "--midget do this to us?"
Kasumi stiffened. "Akane!" she called disapprovingly. "Such language!"
There was a pause.
"Sorry, Kasumi," Akane replied contritely.
After a moment, she and Ranma entered the room and sat down on the floor--together, of course. Genma watched them from the corner of his eye, free to grin madly with his back turned. And, he noticed with an evil chuckle, they hadn't even managed to scratch that chain.
"I just don't get it," Ranma was saying, looking like he couldn't decide to be uncomfortable, angry, or scared out of his wits. "All that, plus HOURS of pulling on it, and it just looks stronger!"
"What else is there that we haven't tried?" Akane demanded, a slight desperate edge to her voice. "What?"
Ranma's eyes narrowed. "I say we go right to the root of the problem. The midget himself!"
Akane's eyes widened, and they both stood--because, after all, it was together or not at all--and looked at each other. "Of course!" Akane grinned, a disturbing light flickering in her eyes, "Brilliant, Ranma!"
Without thinking about it, she hugged him, and then pulled back without realizing she had even done it. Genma almost laughed out loud at the totally-devoid-of-thought look in Ranma's eyes.
"Come on, Ranma! Let's teach him a lesson he'll never forget!"
"Lesson," Ranma said, nodding vaguely with his eyes unfocused. "Never forget." There was a pause while Ranma looked off into the distance, contemplating the mysteries of the universe.
Losing what miniscule patience she had, Akane grabbed hold of Ranma's pigtail and dragged him out of the room. "Come ON, baka! Let's get him!"
"Okay, okay! Just--OW!--let go! I'm coming!"
With that, the two fiancees marched out of the room, looking to pound a certain midget. Genma chuckled even more evilly and silently wished them lots of luck--all of it bad.
***
There were lots of advantages to being a six-inch man, as Who W. Weird would tell anyone that would listen.
For one thing, it was really easy to sneak around; no floor boards would creak under his fearsome weight of about 5 1/2 ounces, and he could hide in nooks a dormouse would turn its nose up at. For another, there was always room enough for him to get a good seat at the theater, no matter how packed it was. And, most importantly of all, he could survive off a single can of cheese-whiz for months on end without trouble.
Yes, there were lots of advantages to being his height.
An imposing presence just wasn't one of them.
"Um... " he rumbled, his eyes darting, "Is there something I can do for you two love birds?"
Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendo glared down at him, the Fires of Hades burning so clearly in their eyes, Mr. Weird could almost swear he saw little horned men with pitchforks and other highly unpleasant-looking implements.
"Okay, you deranged son of a dwarfed mushroom patch," Akane said levelly, snatching Weird up and putting a strangle hold on his neck with her thump and forefinger, "you're going to get this thing off, and get it off NOW!"
Twisting deftly, the little man squirmed out of the girl's grip and dropped to the ground. "You'll never catch me!" he roared, and took off scurrying across the room. There was a reddish blur and a rush of air, and Who W. Weird suddenly found himself right where he had started.
"I think she just told you to do somethin'," Ranma said flatly, unaware that he had just used the chained hand to grab the little man, which in turn had jerked Akane sideways and nearly clocked her with the chain. "Get. This. Thing. Off. NOW!"
Akane hit him with her manacle. "Be careful, baka! I'm still attached to this end, you know!"
Ranma gritted his teeth as a painful-looking bump swelled on the back of his head, but kept his attention focused on Weird.
"Well?" the martial artist demanded.
Weird thought about it, opened his mouth to respond--and then bit down on Ranma's finger as hard as he could.
Ranma's hand shot away like a bullet on steroids, the man himself swearing up something awful. And of course, as a result, Akane was brought around abruptly, slamming into her fiance, and making him stumble dangerously. Then Mr. Weird took the opportunity to help them along their way with a well-placed mallet blow, sending them both flying backward through the little hall and into the living room. Akane landed with a startled grunt on a small cushion, and Ranma had the infinitely more familiar position of being imbedded head-first into a wall.
"Now, I'd better be going," Weird announced thunderously with a tip of his hat, "But you can be sure that I'll be seeing you tomorrow!" He laughed menacingly at that, then drew something out of his pocket. It looked like a large sheet of black construction paper cut into a circle. However, when Weird placed it on the floor, it seemed to mold itself to the ground, like it had been there all along.
With a nasty grin and a wave, Weird jumped right into the paper and sank in like there was a huge chasm beneath.
Akane boggled a bit at the place where he had gone, and then Ranma managed to extract himself from the wall.
"Anything happen while I was out?" Ranma sighed, sitting next her.
Akane gave him a glazed look. "Weird man go down the hole," she told him in a little-girl voice.
Ranma blinked. "What?"
"Nothing--nothing at all. Forget I mentioned anything."
"Okay..."
***
Tuesday dawned as the large glowing yellow/white/red thingy we usually call the sun rose into the sky, marking the beginning of the new day. Then gunfire rattled out in the morning air as streaks of flame shot across the skyline, and explosions of anti-matter smart bombs were scattered seemingly at random into the devastated buildings, wreaking havoc and mayhem--
"What a peaceful morning," Kasumi sighed, looking out at the sunshine.
--somewhere else.
Nevertheless, Ranma awoke suddenly from the futon he had been snoring in beside Akane's bed, his danger sense flaring up like a heifer with really bad gas that had strayed too close to the campfire. He leapt to his feet and spun around--which in turn earned him a "Ranma no baka!" and a solid THWACK with the chain. The lump on his head increased in size, but he had to concentrate. It felt like the danger was everywhere! All around them! Staggering only slightly, he dragged Akane to the window to look outside.
"What IS IT, Ranma?" Akane snapped. "I was fast... oh..."
Akane was speechless. Ranma, however, had plenty of things to say, though most of them were quite unacceptable to virgin ears, and had a lot to do with gruesome and painful things to do to short people, strangling them with their own combat boots being the nicest thing of all those listed.
For outside was another truly wonderful sight--if you're psychotic. No, it wasn't the war zone scene in the transition paragraph; wouldn't be right to go that far out of genre, yet. Can you guess it? Well, we'll give you a hint.
Can you say "Gladiator?"
No, no, no. Not "elevator." GLADIAtor.
Excellent. Knew you had it in you.
All around the misplaced Tendo-ke, a wide clearing of beaten dirt swirled within a high stone wall. Right above the wall, the stare-step stands of the Coliseum rose majestically into the air, packed with milling and apparently confused Romans--after all, an entire Japanese-style household appearing in the middle of a gladiator battle just wasn't done, especially when it flattened the gladiators--and one man dressed in a funny towel and gold leaves was shouting things at guards.
Ranma's left eye quivered like a squirrel on speed, and he cut off mid tirade to drag Akane inside the house. He had to plan. And it had better be good.
Ah, but be wary, reader, in assuming that this would be an easy battle for Ranma to fight. Because, you see, this is an ANIME Rome, which entitles warriors with battle axes twice their own size and nasty-looking tentacled pets and third eyes and all manner of things one might not normally see in the Coliseum.
You have been warned.
Nabiki glanced up as Ranma and Akane dashed into the room, clothes rumpled from sleeping in them and set looks to their faces. They came to a halt in the middle of the room, and Nabiki gave them a waiting look.
"Uh... Nabiki?" Ranma began.
"You wouldn't happen to know Latin, would you?" Akane asked.
Nabiki blinked. "What?"
They looked nervously at each other.
"Alright, what is it?" Nabiki sighed.
***
"Okay, here's the plan," Nabiki said crisply as she came to her feet, rapping her fingers sharply on the table. "First, we send Ranma out to fight them off." She sat back down, and took a sip of tea.
Everyone nodded, waiting for more. There was a pause.
"And?" Akane prompted.
Nabiki looked at her coolly. "What do you mean, 'and'? That was it."
"WHAT?" Ranma and Akane burst out, but the Masters of Anything-Goes were already nodding.
"Yes, Ranma," Genma was saying, looking sternly at his son. "It is the duty of a martial artist to get rid of the attackers."
"What about YOU? You're supposed to be a martial artist too, you flea-bitten fat old excuse for a--"
"Ranma!" Soun cut in, glaring at his future son-in-law with fierce concentration. "It is you who must protect this household!"
"What about you? It ain't even my house! How do I get stuck with--"
"Ranma!" Genma snapped. "Would you abandon your duty? What of your honor, boy?"
"Ranma Saotome, you're to protect your fiancee!" Tendo roared. "Think of Akane! You should be fighting for her!"
"Yeah, I know, but--"
"Daddy, wait, I can--"
"Out you go!" Genma and Soun shouted together, and then rushed Ranma and Akane to the door, shoving them quickly outside and snapping the door shut behind them. The two fiancees look out at the stadium in shock, their eyes darting as huge, burly men with blood-matted faces and exceptionally long nose-hair lurched toward them.
"More tea, Saotome?" came Soun's voice from inside.
"Certainly, Tendo. And pass the pockey, will you?"
"My pleasure, Saotome."
"When we get out of this--" Ranma said angrily, cracking his knuckles.
"They are SO DEAD!" Akane snarled.
Ranma blinked and turned to stare at her. She blushed a moment, and then glared at him.
"What?"
"Nothin'... I didn't say anything."
She snorted. "Good. Here they come, anyway."
With a wild shout, a man with huge biceps and exceptionally bad BO charged them, a long broadsword poised to strike. Ranma and Akane shifted into fighting stances, and amazingly darted to the same side. The sword missed by a mile, but the smell nearly knocked them off their feet. Covering his nose, Ranma dealt the gladiator a sharp chop to the side of the neck, instantly sending him on to dreams of his family back home, and their business of pickling cucumbers with self-made vinegar.
It looked like it was going to be a long day already.
***
Exhausted and weary, but still determined, Ranma and Akane trudged back toward Tendo-ke. The ground was littered with the groaning forms of smelly men in rusty armor, and the still twitching bodies of centurions who were looking like they wouldn't be back on duty any time soon. The Coliseum was now empty, but twenty minutes ago, it had been filled with cheering, foam-mouthed people who watched the intrepid duo systematically defeat every single gladiator, armsman, wild animal, part-time guard, stray mouse, his cheese, and anything else that put up a fight. The entire army stationed around Rome was now resting quite peacefully after their sudden and humiliating defeat.
Slowly, in a combined effort, the fiancees pushed open the front door and stumbled in. Their parents glanced up from their lunch in suprise, looking over their fatigued faces and decimated clothing.
"Well, what took you so long, boy?" Genma said, shaking his head. "We were expecting you at least an hour ago. You must be getting sloppy."
"I'll... KILL... you... " Ranma gasped, but tripped over a small grain of rice that had been spilled onto the floor. He pitched forward onto his face, and Akane didn't even resist falling on top of him, her eyes already closing.
"Okay," came Ranma's muffled voice, "Maybe in a minute."
An hour passed.
"Just a little longer," Ranma said haltingly, and then gave up and let his snore join Akane's. They didn't stir for a long time. Besides, Akane couldn't be trusted to stir anything properly anyway, so it was just as well.
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