It has been a long, long time. Did you miss me? Do you hate me? Good! 'Cause I'm here to stay!
WHAT HAS HAPPENED BEFORE:
Ranma is tortured by the antics of Who W. Weird, Agent of Chaos, a big-nosed, red-combat-boot-wearing, six-inch midget who teleports the Tendo residence place to place, summons armies of ninjas and extremely Evil Purple Dinosaurs, puts peoples' gravity on backwards, and contemplates the greatness that is Cheese-Whiz.
Previous chapters can be found at or at under the name AJ Andreason.
Agent of Chaos---by AJ Andreason
Chapter VIII: Where No Midget Has Gone Before
Disclaimer: Do not own even the tiniest part of Ranma or Star Trek. If I did, I would probably be at a convention somewhere, signing autographs for a bunch of weirdoes dressed up as Clingons, and winding my days away wondering why the hell I hadn't invested into Microsoft instead.
A man, covered in the dust of days, his brown locks waving majestically in the cool breeze, stood sentinel in front of Furinkan High.
Tatewaki Kuno, undefeated Kendo champion, Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, stared out with god-like determination into the distance. Thus in this place would he wait for his loves, until his strength--mighty as the mountains that withstood the endless dashing of the sea--failed him, and his feet could no longer stand erect his bones.
Which, after three days of standing in the same place without food or water, wouldn't be that long yet.
In fact, we should start a count down. 10.
"Sasuke," Kuno muttered, and the ninja sprang up from behind a beer can.
"Yes, master?"
9.
"Nigh on these three days have I waited for my loves, the pig-tailed girl and Akane Tendo, which doubtless the sorcerer has hidden away."
8.
"And it now occurs to me," the Kendoist continued, his eyes glazing slightly (7), "that mayhaps it might be that my loves cannot come. Perhaps they are trapped by the vile Saotome, and cannot be released from the prison of their place of residence."
"But master, I told you three days ago that—"
"Silence, Sasuke!" Kuno snapped (6), waving one hand empirically. "I shall now go and investigate my self, and see what has become of Akane Tendo and the Pigtailed Goddess." His began lift his left leg, and frowned disapprovingly when it didn't move more than an inch or two. 5. He tried the other leg, which had the audacity to not move at all. 4. Boiling with rage and indignation (the very nerve of his body not doing what he told it to!) he poured ever ounce of energy he had left in him to propel himself forward.
3-2-1—ah, hell with it—
*THUMP*
***
"You pathetic infantile excuse for a ninja!" the Blue Thunder, well, thundered, throwing off the sheets from his hospital bed. "Why did you not TELL me that the entire Tendo place of residence had gallivanted off into the night like some... some... some night-gallivanting place of residence!"
"But MASTER, I TRIED to tell you, but you—"
"We will discuss your failings later," Kuno cut in. "Now, I go to wait in before where once stood the gates which held my true loves until they return. And wait I shall, until my flesh withers from my body and my blood is clay!"
He paused.
"What are you waiting for, Sasuke!? Get me a wheelchair!"
"Yes, Master!" The diminutive ninja shot off into the hospital, swiftly grabbing the nearest wheelchair, accidentally neglecting to ask permission it of its current occupant, but was reminded when said occupant's shotgun fired off a round or two.
***
"Will you STOP EATING!" Vegeta roared, pointing an accusing finger down at the other one of the last two Saiyans.
"What?" Goku protested, his face covered in all sorts of scraps of food best left unidentified. "I haven't had that much!"
The Saiyan Prince stared back in disbelief--and he had to fly to do it, as the man had built himself a small fortress out of old plates, glasses, chopsticks, (when he actually bother to use them) platters, bowls, pans, and what looked like a pig-shaped set of those little sticks you use to eat corn on the cob. Even with Gohan frantically washing dishes in the background, the pile had only seemed to increase in size.
Vegeta finally snorted. "Fine. As long as YOU pay for it, do what you want."
"Heh!" Goku said indignantly. Well, as indignantly as Goku could manage. "Just admit it--you're jealous!"
"I'm WHAT?!"
"You heard me! You jealous of the fact that I can eat more than you!"
Vegita's aura flared as he whirled to within inches of Goku. "Is that a challenge, Kakarot?" he bellowed.
"Yeah, I guess it is," Goku replied confidently.
"FINE! YOU'RE ON!" The prince sat down abruptly, a determined scowl fixed on his face.
There was a pause.
"Uh... you have to cook the food first, you know."
"Kakarot no baka."
***
Ryoga Hibiki's life was hell.
The problems began--as all things did, in his view--with Ranma. Ranma stealing his bread. Ranma beating him at the Art. Ranma never showing up for challenges. Ranma stealing the girl he loved--well, one of them, anyway--and Ranma giving him a horrible curse to turn into a pig when ever he was touched by cold water, forcing him to always be living in fear that one day he would be caught off guard and end up roasted for somebody's supper. Or worse, that Akane would find out and... and do something that would leave him just as cooked.
But now he had a bigger problem.
One with huge, vein-riddled muscles and off-center gold teeth.
Ryoga shuttered at the memory of the bizarre transformation that had warped him, body and mind, into something... something...
"Something REALLY UGLY, that's what," he concluded aloud. "I never thought anything could be worse than turning into a pig, but..." He shivered at the memory of it. Him, Ryoga Hibiki, standing on top of a stage that had appeared from nowhere, ranting on and foaming at the mouth for a solid couple of hours at least, all the while being laughed at by that despicable Ranma, and his sweet Akane watching with horror, Nabiki filming in the background, and even Kasumi looking a little...
Wait a second! Back up! Nabiki filming in the background?! "But that means that she going to--and that I'm going to have to--and--and--" He threw back his head and howled. "RANMA SAOTOME, I SWEAR I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! I'LL FIND YOU!"
He paused, his head turning slowly as he looked around at the endless rolling hills of green sparsely forested land that stretched out for at least a few hundred miles in every direction.
"Some day," he added weakly.
***
Ranma Saotome--currently female from the swim back, and very smelly from trash and sea-water--and Akane Tendo--equally female and equally smelly, yet thankfully no longer anti-gravitized--stood shivering in the towels that Kasumi had given them, standing much closer together than they might normally. It was a closeness that, in and of itself, they didn't really mind; true, if asked about it, they would violently protest otherwise, but that wasn't really the issue.
They had a larger problem. A problem so potentially... uh, potentially not-good in Ranma and Akane's view, they nearly burst a vessel just thinking about it.
"Well, maybe would could make an outdoor shower?" Kasumi suggested tentatively.
"Uh... thanks but no thanks, sis," Akane said with a shudder, "but that wouldn't really help. We'd still have to change clothes to get the garbage off."
"Any other ideas?" Ranma said desperately.
"Oh, come on," Nabiki said chidingly, a nasty glint in her eye. "You both girls, right?"
"Not for LONG, we wouldn't be," the pigtailed girl snapped. "And if you think that cold water's gonna cut it, think again."
After much arguing and many flushed looked exchanged between the two fiances, they finally decided to put a screen to separate the two sides of the furrow, which Kasumi left to fill--and that in itself was curious, since the water pipes were no longer connected to anything, strictly speaking. Not that that bothered Kasumi; she decided not to question her good luck.
So, Ranma and Akane were led into the little room where they stood a long moment, most definitely NOT looking at each other. Slowly, and then with incredible speed, the two undressed and settled in their respective side of the water--which was another problem, since they had neglected to decide which side their respective side WAS.
"EEEE!" *WHACK!* *SPLASH!*
"OUCH! I didn't see nothin! I swear it!"
"..."
***
Kasumi frowned worriedly. "Do you suppose they'll be alright?"
"I'm not sure," Nabiki said dryly, "but I wouldn't go in there if I was paid." She paused. "That is, unless it was a lot."
"Nabiki..."
***
"So the midget left after all?" Ranma said a very few minutes later, male now, and still a little pink in the cheeks. "Even after what happened to him?"
Nabiki nodded solemnly. "He's appears to be a tough little antagonist. I suppose that's the only way he'd be able to do his job in the first place."
"Uh... Antaga-what?"
"Never mind," Akane said through a yawn. "Let's just go to bed already. That stupid swim wore me out." She shoved herself to her feet, and began walking off.
"But--" Ranma protested, but Akane gave him her Blurry-Eyed Gaze of Not-Nice Happenings, and he sighed, "All right, whatever." They trudged off together to Akane's room, Ranma muttering something about Akane's beauty sleep and Akane absently whacking him with the chain.
***
Unnoticed by either Ranma or Akane, Genma Saotome and Soun Tendo stood towering over a figure in a white suit and broad-brimmed hat--which wasn't hard, since a Smurf might be able to do the same, but Who W. Weird was no ordinary mini-man.
"So it's a deal?" Genma said solemnly, his arms folded in front of his chest and his head cocked just slightly to one side. Small specks of light wavered across his glasses, obscuring his eyes.
Weird nodded briskly. "Yes, I am agreed. And you, Soun Tendo?"
"Agreed." Tendo nodded to himself, his own eyes calm as he met his Genma's. They stared back at each other; each wondering if what they had just done would come back to haunt them, pondering if it had been worth it. But, shaking off that ridiculous idea, the both leapt into the air, capering about and shouting "YATTA! Ranma and Akane will be together at last! HAHAHAHAHAAAA!"
Weird had a bit of a chuckle of his own, if not for quite the same reason.
***
The next morning, the sun rose... or rather, it didn't. As a matter of fact, the only light was a steady, eerie glow that seemed to come from a metal bulkhead, just above the peak of the roof of Tendo-ke. Barrels and thick silver suitcases were stacked neatly in one corner, and two nearly identical vehicles that looked as if they had two large skis welded to the bottom of them lay resting on the hard metallic floor nearby.
"Captain?" Warf said abruptly from his station, his perpetual stern frown deepened by puzzlement.
"Yes, Lieutenant?"
"There seems to be something... very strange in Shuttle Bay 2."
***
" ...To seek out new life and new civilizations." Ranma said firmly, his head thrown back and gaze locked on the stars in the distance. "To boldly go where no Martial Artist has gone before..."
Ranma looked down at himself, only it wasn't a HIM he was looking down on. Unconcerned, she flipped out a square communicator, which opened with a series of beeps. "Beam me up, Scotty," she said loudly.
There was a flash of light, and when it cleared, she was careening toward a planet, and somehow through the clouds of the atmosphere, she could make out the image of Tatewaki Kuno, arm open wide with a rose in his lips. Those lips widened into a greasy smile. "Come to me, my pigtailed goddess from the heavens," he said grandly. "Come, and we will be together. Forever!"
***
"NOOOOOOOOOO--ACK!!!"
"You won't let me sleep in even once, will you?" Akane said tiredly, and stifled a yawn with her fist. With an effort, she removed her mallet from Ranma's mid-section.
Ranma shivered. "Kuno, I'll get you someday! I swear it!"
"Kuno nightmare again?" Akane said sympathetically, covering another yawn. "What was it this t... oh, no."
Ranma suddenly became alert. "What is it?"
Wordlessly, Akane pointed outside through her window--which only extended about three feet before it met a thick metal wall anyway, so making it all the more ominous. With growing dread, Ranma stuck his head outside, letting his gaze travel across what he could see of the massive room. Most of it was metal and wire, and there was a wide double-door on the far side of the room, where men in orange and black uniforms were pouring in with small black and silver objects in their hands.
"NABIKIIIII!!"
***
Nabiki Tendo awoke with a start, and after one blurry-eyed glance out her window, wished dearly she had remembered to put earplugs in.
"Okay," she said carefully a few minutes later, her eyes focused down on the hot cup of tea Kasumi had just handed her. "I think I know where we are, judging by those uniforms, and remembering what I've seen of that show. This one is a little easier than the others, because we only need a couple simple rules."
"Ah... where are we exactly?" her father asked tentatively.
Nabiki's lips tightened. "Never mind." She pointed a finger sharply at Ranma. "Rule number one: no fighting." Her finger moved on to Akane. "No bashing Ranma through walls." On to Genma Saotome. "No stealing, cheating, lying, drinking, or trying to run away out an air lock." She paused. "No matter how much good that would do us the rest of us."
Ranma and Akane were mirrors of affronted reproach, and Uncle Saotome was wide-eyed innocence. Nabiki sighed with something close to despair and bowed her head.
"Oh, just go away and figure it out for yourself. I'm going back to bed."
Genma nodded solemnly. "You must be prepared for new and difficult situations like this, Ranma. I don't see a problem with you handling this just as your training has taught you."
Growling, Ranma snatched up a bucket full of you-know-what. "What does a stupid panda know, anyway?" he snapped.
***
Crewman 1st Class Peter Hardy has seen his share of, well, rather odd happenings while serving on board the Enterprise. There were all sorts: new aliens and alien technologies, time and a dimensional-flux anomalies, strange and unfamiliar diseases... Most frequently, it seemed to be attempting communication with some new life form that was accidentally dragging them into a star, but Superior Beings Passing Judgement seemed to be a popular one, too.
Never in his career, however, had he seen an entire Japanese household lodge itself into a shuttle bay, complete with courtyard, dojo, and pond. He shrugged. At least it wasn't Q again.
Snapping sharp orders to his men, they surrounded the building, tri-quarters beeping and eyes scanning for readings.
"Six life readings, sir," one of the men reported. "They appear to be human. Three men and three women."
"HAA!!"
"OOF!!"
*SPLASH*
"Uh... make that three women, two men, and a... panda?"
Hardy blinked. "Johnson, would you mind repeating that?"
The crewmen opened his mouth, but was cut off by the sound of another scuffle, followed by a crash, and then an enormous black-and-white panda came hurdling out the building, flying an incredible distance across the room to land face-first and slide to within inches of some of the men. The crewmen approached cautiously, hands fingering phasers, and leapt back when the bear abruptly bounded to its feet. It seemed to almost instantly grow in size and menace, a dark light pulsing around it as it whipped out a rough wooden sign with a somehow-familiar writing scrawled across it.
"Hey, Katsuhare, isn't that--"
"Yeah! I haven't seen it in years!"
"What does it say?"
"Uh, let's see... I think it says something like 'surrender your food, and you will not be harmed.'"
"Oh, poopy," Crewman Hardy sighed.
Authors notes:
Say, Hira, Hira! After FAR too long in semi-retirement, I have returned to spread the chaos again! Special thanks to Daimyo Shi for getting me going again. Please direct any C&C (PLEASE let there be some) to andreasona@msn.com.
In any case, I'm back on the job, writing and reading. This story will be coming to a head soon, and I have most of it already planned out. If I can only stave off my homework a little longer...
In any case, I'm back whether you care, like it, or don't.
Ciao,
AJ Andreason