The days grew longer and the wind grew warmer with anticipation of the days
that were yet to come. Days filled with waiting, the best kept secrets,
and the summer breeze that held a life of its own. Tanner's world seemed
to move in slow motion and every day, every scene of her life, seemed to be
filled with a sense of repetition-like she had felt these things before.
The redundancy of each day grew boring, though she was powerless to change
the things that lie before her. She felt as though she always seemed to be
waiting.for something. She had always compared herself to Marin from The
House on Mango Street.. "Marin was waiting for a car to stop, a star to
fall, someone to change her life". Though Tanner thought it was a dumb
Muggle book, it still meant something to her because she truly was waiting.
Five days after the Quidditch World Cup when she was once again pouring
over "Pride and Prejudice", the waiting finally ended.
A tawny owl pecked its curved beak on her window. She walked over to it from her spot in a comfortable chair and opened the window; letting in a burst of warm air as well as several letters. She paid the owl and watched it fly away, flapping the wings and leaving only the letters as proof of its existence. The first letter she came to was written in a familiar scrawl. Tanner began to open it and was shocked to see that for once, the letter was more than just a paragraph. ________________________________________________________________ Tanner, I've never been one to write letters, but I think maybe it's time I started. I haven't heard from you in five days and it's the longest time we've gone without speaking. It's lonely not having another voice in my head. It's like I'm missing my other half.
I'm listening to the radio and I hear your favorite songs. I miss you being around-mostly because I hate being alone. Dean is great and all, but he's not the same. He doesn't know me like you do. I wish you were here. I don't want things to change but I don't want them to say the same. I don't know what I'm saying; maybe you do. I wish I knew what was going to happen next year. But, I don't. No one does. I wish I could tell the future, or maybe just change the past.
Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong? There were a lot of things I wanted to say to you but I couldn't because I'm a guy. It's just how guys operate. Dumb, right? I hate writing to you like this. I feel distant. But I'm too scared to call you because I always seem to say the wrong things. If any of the guys ever saw this, they'd never let me live it down. Try out for Quidditch next year; it's in your blood.-Seamus ________________________________________________________________
Tanner sat down the letter on her desk and stared at it for what seemed like an eternity. She was waiting for some kind of an inspiration.something to tell her what to write and what to say to restore her confidence in the friendship between herself and Seamus. Unfortunately, her muse had turned in for the night. She opened the next letter that bore the Hogwarts seal. It was rather mundane and just listed the course books for her fifth year at the institution but an enclosure with the letter is what really caught her eye.
________________________________________________________________ Tanner Youngblood- You have been chosen as a house prefect for this term. It is unusual for a fifth year to be chosen as a prefect but we have faith in you. Please report to Ravenclaw House immediately upon arriving at Hogwarts. ________________________________________________________________
Tanner dropped the piece of paper on the floor, barely believing what was written there. Being a prefect had always been an ambition of Tanner's, but she never thought she would have the chance as a fifth year. The last letter still lay on her desk, unopened. She looked at it and almost didn't open it because the handwriting was once again familiar. She decided to follow her instincts, just this once, and leave the letter for later and respond to the already opened one. ________________________________________________________________ Seamus- I hate writing letters too. They're impersonal and vague. You can't say what you mean. Five days is a long time. I just needed to clear my head.of everything. My head is still cloudy, but I feel better about everything now. I miss your laugh the most. And you're the only one who can make me laugh. Thus, the most humorous things have lost their zest. If I could-I'd be with you, wherever you are, right now. But I can't be. The radio has even become painful. Everything reminds me of what I can't have. I can never have what I want. And what I want.is a chance. I'm glad to know someone misses me. I seem to slip through the cracks in the lives of everyone else. "It doesn't make it easier to be away"-it's a Dashboard Confessional song. They're American. You'd like them. I miss the warmth and I miss your arms around me, as corny as it sounds. I miss everything about you. Write me back. I wish you were here-this time, I really do. ~Tanner~ ________________________________________________________________ Tanner glared down at the words and they all blurred together and all she could see was Seamus's face, his eyes, his smile. She missed him so much. He was what kept her going, he understood her like no one ever could. He was the one person she couldn't stand to lose. She walked over to a corner of her room and turned on her stereo. The song that came on couldn't have been more fitting.
Breathe deeply from this envelope.
It smells like you and I
Can't be without that scent,
It's filling me with all you mean to me.
To me.
Tanner resisted the urge to cry, something that had become ever frequent within the past few days. All she seemed to do was gaze out the window for hours, listen to her music, and cry. Crying was the hardest part because it was so evident. The great thing was that she had no parents around to bother her. They were on vacation for another two weeks and she was supposed to be staying with her grandmother in Japan-but that was out of the question; her Japanese had become rusty from lack of use. Plus, the wizarding community in Japan didn't particularly like the American wizards. So, Tanner was alone once again.not that she minded. She stared at nothing in particular for a few more seconds before she was jarred from her ever constant portrait of un-reality. The phone rang, which was unusual at Tanner's house because she didn't like phones. The only thing they were good for was connecting to the internet.
"Hello?" She asked, as she scrambled the unfamiliar receiver to her ear.
"Is this Tanner Youngblood?" The voice had a familiar ring to it, but Tanner couldn't pick it out.
"Yes, this is Tanner. Who's this?" Uncertainty was all around her as she combed her mind for anyone, anyone who would have a number to call her at. Suddenly, painful realization swept over her.
"Derek?" Derek was the one person that Tanner was incredibly weak against. Derek had been her boyfriend and her best friend all rolled into one. Then he disappeared all so suddenly during her fourth year at Hogwarts. He never said goodbye; he just vanished, leaving her only with memories and thousands of tears. Tanner sunk into a chair, her mind racing with thoughts of him. She couldn't say anything; no words could explain what she felt right then.
"Can we meet somewhere? I'm only in town for a little longer and I have to talk to you" Tanner knew exactly what would happen if she met Derek. He would apologize for failing to talk to her for over a year and then, they would kiss and Tanner would become completely vulnerable once again. But, Tanner couldn't say no to him.it was something inbred within her.
"Yeah., we can meet somewhere. Where?" She didn't want to meet at her house because things always had the potential of getting out of hand--- and who knew where he was living anymore. So, she breathed in sharply, the air cutting the inside of her throat along with all the words she couldn't say to him.
"Meet me in central park in an hour," he said as he hung up the phone. Tanner hung up, and stood in front of a full-length mirror, staring at herself. Her usually well-kept hair was piled in a messy bun on top of her head and she was wearing her Nirvana hoodie-something that she always missed wearing at Hogwarts. She decided on leaving the hoodie and changing the hair. She stood in front of her mirror and fished in her pockets for her wand, "seven and one half inches with unicorn hair," she remembered with a smile. She waved it in front of her face, whispering a few words in Japanese and, almost instantly, her hair was hanging down around her shoulders with a few strands hiding her eyes. She walked out of her family's apartment-which was on the bottom floor-and onto the streets of New York; a place that she had come to call home amid all the bustling on the streets and the unfamiliar faces of business men on their way to do whatever it is they do in those high rise buildings. Tanner reached Central Park within twenty minutes, not to mention that she ran the whole way. She sat down in a bench and watched the people around her. There were lovers everywhere, holding hands, kissing, having picnics. She sunk down even farther into the comfortable folds of cotton that she called her hoodie and exhaled. In almost a whisper, she sang the lyrics to a Dashboard Confessional song that always seemed to make her cry,
"There is no need to test my heart,
with useless space.
These roads go on forever
& so do you and I." She looked down at her feet and almost started to cry, though she willed herself not to. She sensed someone standing close to her, closer than anything she had ever felt before. It almost felt as though there was someone watching over her. She dropped her hood and stared up into Derek's slate gray eyes. In them, Tanner saw only a glint of the familiar laughter that used to be there. Now, she only saw the pain of a boy who had been weathered through the years and now was giving up.
"You've changed."
"So have you"
"I'm no different than I was then. But I had to talk to you. I had to tell you." Tanner stared at him and realized that Derek had truly changed and was no longer the boy who used to hold her in his arms and watch shooting stars. She knew that in this story there would be no happy reunions, no goodbye kisses and no taking back the one you love.
"What did you want to tell me?"
"The reason why I left." Tanner froze and stared pointedly away at nothing in particular.
"I don't want to know anymore." He stared at her and the closeness and the security that she once felt seemed to disintegrate as the words came out of her mouth.
"What do you mean? I thought we were friends.I thought that maybe."
"You thought that maybe in the end it would end up boy-gets-girl. I'm sorry Derek, I can't do it anymore. I waited for you. And you never came back. No goodbye. No nothing. You just left. You couldn't even write me a letter."
Continually failing these trials
but you stand by me nonetheless
& you won't let me sink
though I'm beggin you.
Phone calls from further away
& messages on my machine,
but I don't ever tell you this distance
seems terrible.
"I couldn't contact you. It's not my fault." Derek stuttered out excuses but Tanner had heard enough.
"I know that you hope for longer goodbyes. Embracing for forever and falling in your eyes."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean."
"It means.I care about you. but not enough to hurt myself this way. Goodbye Derek." She walked away from Central Park, the bench, and Derek and this time, she didn't look back. If she had, she would have seen the evil that was within his heart. She walked to a nearby Starbucks, one of many near her apartment, and ordered herself a cup of coffee. As she stared down into the cup, the door to the small café opened and shut again. However, Tanner paid no notice to it because thousands of people came to Starbucks every day. She swirled her spoon around in her coffee; watching the cream lighten it all until a voice asked her,
"Is this seat taken?" Tanner looked up and clapped her hands over her mouth. "Seamus?!" He was standing in front of her, his green eyes staring down at her with his usual cocky grin plastered to his face.
"You said you wished I was here.so here I am. I just came in for a drink.but instead I found you." He wrapped his arms around her and finally, she gave in to the tears that had plagued her eyes since Derek had called. Seamus held her and let her cry, something no one else had ever done for her.
"Are you all right? What happened? Did someone hurt you?" Tanner sat down on one of the couches and Seamus wrapped his arm around her.
"Derek. He came back.and he said he still cared about me. But, I can't. Its not right." "What do you mean? Do you still love him?"
"Sometimes, I think I do. But I can't care about him like I used to. He left me. And then I close my eyes and there's someone else out there who.I care about more than anything in the world." Seamus looked at her and took a chance, he lightly brushed a stray hair back from her face and leaned in and kissed her. She kissed him back, for once, feeling something was right in her life. She felt like maybe things could be okay. They pulled away and Tanner blushed, something very foreign to her. "What made you come up here? I mean, it's great seeing you.but you went through so much." Seamus just looked at her and smiled his ever- familiar smile,
"I couldn't stand not being around you. Even if school does start soon. I hate not being with you. And your letter made me realize how much I do care about you."
So I'll hit the pavement
it's gotta be better than waiting
& pushing you far away
cause I'm scared.
So I'll take my chances
& head on my way up there.
Cause turning to you is like falling in love when you're ten.
A tawny owl pecked its curved beak on her window. She walked over to it from her spot in a comfortable chair and opened the window; letting in a burst of warm air as well as several letters. She paid the owl and watched it fly away, flapping the wings and leaving only the letters as proof of its existence. The first letter she came to was written in a familiar scrawl. Tanner began to open it and was shocked to see that for once, the letter was more than just a paragraph. ________________________________________________________________ Tanner, I've never been one to write letters, but I think maybe it's time I started. I haven't heard from you in five days and it's the longest time we've gone without speaking. It's lonely not having another voice in my head. It's like I'm missing my other half.
I'm listening to the radio and I hear your favorite songs. I miss you being around-mostly because I hate being alone. Dean is great and all, but he's not the same. He doesn't know me like you do. I wish you were here. I don't want things to change but I don't want them to say the same. I don't know what I'm saying; maybe you do. I wish I knew what was going to happen next year. But, I don't. No one does. I wish I could tell the future, or maybe just change the past.
Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong? There were a lot of things I wanted to say to you but I couldn't because I'm a guy. It's just how guys operate. Dumb, right? I hate writing to you like this. I feel distant. But I'm too scared to call you because I always seem to say the wrong things. If any of the guys ever saw this, they'd never let me live it down. Try out for Quidditch next year; it's in your blood.-Seamus ________________________________________________________________
Tanner sat down the letter on her desk and stared at it for what seemed like an eternity. She was waiting for some kind of an inspiration.something to tell her what to write and what to say to restore her confidence in the friendship between herself and Seamus. Unfortunately, her muse had turned in for the night. She opened the next letter that bore the Hogwarts seal. It was rather mundane and just listed the course books for her fifth year at the institution but an enclosure with the letter is what really caught her eye.
________________________________________________________________ Tanner Youngblood- You have been chosen as a house prefect for this term. It is unusual for a fifth year to be chosen as a prefect but we have faith in you. Please report to Ravenclaw House immediately upon arriving at Hogwarts. ________________________________________________________________
Tanner dropped the piece of paper on the floor, barely believing what was written there. Being a prefect had always been an ambition of Tanner's, but she never thought she would have the chance as a fifth year. The last letter still lay on her desk, unopened. She looked at it and almost didn't open it because the handwriting was once again familiar. She decided to follow her instincts, just this once, and leave the letter for later and respond to the already opened one. ________________________________________________________________ Seamus- I hate writing letters too. They're impersonal and vague. You can't say what you mean. Five days is a long time. I just needed to clear my head.of everything. My head is still cloudy, but I feel better about everything now. I miss your laugh the most. And you're the only one who can make me laugh. Thus, the most humorous things have lost their zest. If I could-I'd be with you, wherever you are, right now. But I can't be. The radio has even become painful. Everything reminds me of what I can't have. I can never have what I want. And what I want.is a chance. I'm glad to know someone misses me. I seem to slip through the cracks in the lives of everyone else. "It doesn't make it easier to be away"-it's a Dashboard Confessional song. They're American. You'd like them. I miss the warmth and I miss your arms around me, as corny as it sounds. I miss everything about you. Write me back. I wish you were here-this time, I really do. ~Tanner~ ________________________________________________________________ Tanner glared down at the words and they all blurred together and all she could see was Seamus's face, his eyes, his smile. She missed him so much. He was what kept her going, he understood her like no one ever could. He was the one person she couldn't stand to lose. She walked over to a corner of her room and turned on her stereo. The song that came on couldn't have been more fitting.
Breathe deeply from this envelope.
It smells like you and I
Can't be without that scent,
It's filling me with all you mean to me.
To me.
Tanner resisted the urge to cry, something that had become ever frequent within the past few days. All she seemed to do was gaze out the window for hours, listen to her music, and cry. Crying was the hardest part because it was so evident. The great thing was that she had no parents around to bother her. They were on vacation for another two weeks and she was supposed to be staying with her grandmother in Japan-but that was out of the question; her Japanese had become rusty from lack of use. Plus, the wizarding community in Japan didn't particularly like the American wizards. So, Tanner was alone once again.not that she minded. She stared at nothing in particular for a few more seconds before she was jarred from her ever constant portrait of un-reality. The phone rang, which was unusual at Tanner's house because she didn't like phones. The only thing they were good for was connecting to the internet.
"Hello?" She asked, as she scrambled the unfamiliar receiver to her ear.
"Is this Tanner Youngblood?" The voice had a familiar ring to it, but Tanner couldn't pick it out.
"Yes, this is Tanner. Who's this?" Uncertainty was all around her as she combed her mind for anyone, anyone who would have a number to call her at. Suddenly, painful realization swept over her.
"Derek?" Derek was the one person that Tanner was incredibly weak against. Derek had been her boyfriend and her best friend all rolled into one. Then he disappeared all so suddenly during her fourth year at Hogwarts. He never said goodbye; he just vanished, leaving her only with memories and thousands of tears. Tanner sunk into a chair, her mind racing with thoughts of him. She couldn't say anything; no words could explain what she felt right then.
"Can we meet somewhere? I'm only in town for a little longer and I have to talk to you" Tanner knew exactly what would happen if she met Derek. He would apologize for failing to talk to her for over a year and then, they would kiss and Tanner would become completely vulnerable once again. But, Tanner couldn't say no to him.it was something inbred within her.
"Yeah., we can meet somewhere. Where?" She didn't want to meet at her house because things always had the potential of getting out of hand--- and who knew where he was living anymore. So, she breathed in sharply, the air cutting the inside of her throat along with all the words she couldn't say to him.
"Meet me in central park in an hour," he said as he hung up the phone. Tanner hung up, and stood in front of a full-length mirror, staring at herself. Her usually well-kept hair was piled in a messy bun on top of her head and she was wearing her Nirvana hoodie-something that she always missed wearing at Hogwarts. She decided on leaving the hoodie and changing the hair. She stood in front of her mirror and fished in her pockets for her wand, "seven and one half inches with unicorn hair," she remembered with a smile. She waved it in front of her face, whispering a few words in Japanese and, almost instantly, her hair was hanging down around her shoulders with a few strands hiding her eyes. She walked out of her family's apartment-which was on the bottom floor-and onto the streets of New York; a place that she had come to call home amid all the bustling on the streets and the unfamiliar faces of business men on their way to do whatever it is they do in those high rise buildings. Tanner reached Central Park within twenty minutes, not to mention that she ran the whole way. She sat down in a bench and watched the people around her. There were lovers everywhere, holding hands, kissing, having picnics. She sunk down even farther into the comfortable folds of cotton that she called her hoodie and exhaled. In almost a whisper, she sang the lyrics to a Dashboard Confessional song that always seemed to make her cry,
"There is no need to test my heart,
with useless space.
These roads go on forever
& so do you and I." She looked down at her feet and almost started to cry, though she willed herself not to. She sensed someone standing close to her, closer than anything she had ever felt before. It almost felt as though there was someone watching over her. She dropped her hood and stared up into Derek's slate gray eyes. In them, Tanner saw only a glint of the familiar laughter that used to be there. Now, she only saw the pain of a boy who had been weathered through the years and now was giving up.
"You've changed."
"So have you"
"I'm no different than I was then. But I had to talk to you. I had to tell you." Tanner stared at him and realized that Derek had truly changed and was no longer the boy who used to hold her in his arms and watch shooting stars. She knew that in this story there would be no happy reunions, no goodbye kisses and no taking back the one you love.
"What did you want to tell me?"
"The reason why I left." Tanner froze and stared pointedly away at nothing in particular.
"I don't want to know anymore." He stared at her and the closeness and the security that she once felt seemed to disintegrate as the words came out of her mouth.
"What do you mean? I thought we were friends.I thought that maybe."
"You thought that maybe in the end it would end up boy-gets-girl. I'm sorry Derek, I can't do it anymore. I waited for you. And you never came back. No goodbye. No nothing. You just left. You couldn't even write me a letter."
Continually failing these trials
but you stand by me nonetheless
& you won't let me sink
though I'm beggin you.
Phone calls from further away
& messages on my machine,
but I don't ever tell you this distance
seems terrible.
"I couldn't contact you. It's not my fault." Derek stuttered out excuses but Tanner had heard enough.
"I know that you hope for longer goodbyes. Embracing for forever and falling in your eyes."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean."
"It means.I care about you. but not enough to hurt myself this way. Goodbye Derek." She walked away from Central Park, the bench, and Derek and this time, she didn't look back. If she had, she would have seen the evil that was within his heart. She walked to a nearby Starbucks, one of many near her apartment, and ordered herself a cup of coffee. As she stared down into the cup, the door to the small café opened and shut again. However, Tanner paid no notice to it because thousands of people came to Starbucks every day. She swirled her spoon around in her coffee; watching the cream lighten it all until a voice asked her,
"Is this seat taken?" Tanner looked up and clapped her hands over her mouth. "Seamus?!" He was standing in front of her, his green eyes staring down at her with his usual cocky grin plastered to his face.
"You said you wished I was here.so here I am. I just came in for a drink.but instead I found you." He wrapped his arms around her and finally, she gave in to the tears that had plagued her eyes since Derek had called. Seamus held her and let her cry, something no one else had ever done for her.
"Are you all right? What happened? Did someone hurt you?" Tanner sat down on one of the couches and Seamus wrapped his arm around her.
"Derek. He came back.and he said he still cared about me. But, I can't. Its not right." "What do you mean? Do you still love him?"
"Sometimes, I think I do. But I can't care about him like I used to. He left me. And then I close my eyes and there's someone else out there who.I care about more than anything in the world." Seamus looked at her and took a chance, he lightly brushed a stray hair back from her face and leaned in and kissed her. She kissed him back, for once, feeling something was right in her life. She felt like maybe things could be okay. They pulled away and Tanner blushed, something very foreign to her. "What made you come up here? I mean, it's great seeing you.but you went through so much." Seamus just looked at her and smiled his ever- familiar smile,
"I couldn't stand not being around you. Even if school does start soon. I hate not being with you. And your letter made me realize how much I do care about you."
So I'll hit the pavement
it's gotta be better than waiting
& pushing you far away
cause I'm scared.
So I'll take my chances
& head on my way up there.
Cause turning to you is like falling in love when you're ten.