Author's Note- Sorry for the delay, here's the next installment. Enjoy!
Hell's Pass Pub
(In hell, Chaos Sanctuary)
Tortured Soul:No NO nO No! Not the featheeeeerrrr....
Diablo:Whilst I enjoy watching the torturing of these souls. It does get dull after some time.
(Infernal Paperboy rides by the Sanctuary. Tosses in the paper which smacks Baal on the forehead, waking him up.)
Baal:DaMn tHaT ImP!! I shall-
Diablo:What is that.
Baal:A stupid paperboy. Why do we have paper in hell anyway?! You would think-
Diablo:Shut up Baal, I meant this (shows him the flyer)
(Baal regards the flyer. Which has 'Hell's Pass Pub' written in big flaming letters and generic advertising stuff on it. Also has a rather suggestive picture of a busty demonic cat-lady).
Baal:Would you look at the size of those-
Diablo:Big flaming letters?
Baal:Err, something like that.
Diablo:This place seems much more entertaining than this dump.
Baal:Then call Mephisto and we shall depart.
(Diablo hits speed dial #1)
Mephisto:(Off in the background) Wait a second!
Amazon:(Off in the background)Awww...
Assassin:(Off in the background)What is it?!
Mephisto:(Off in the background)Phone!
Necromancer:(Off in the background)*mockingly* Memp's got a girlfriend-
Mephisto:(Off in the background)Sssshut up (In phone) Hello?
Diablo:Mephisto, have you spare time?
Mephisto:Not at the moment...
Diablo:Meet us at Hell's Pass Pub later then.
Barabarian:(Off in the background)EnOugH wAitiNg! HHOOOOUUUUUTT!
Mephisto:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
(Click bbbbbbuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-)
Baal:Busy?
Diablo:Quite, he'll meet us there later.
(At Hell's Pass Pub)
(General commotion. The door busts open and Diablo and Baal stride in. Commotion stops and everyone stares at them.)
Baal:(Looks at the flyer)*agitated* WheRe's tHe weNcH?!
Some guy in the crowd:Which one? (laughs)
Baal:(Points)tHiS onE!
(Whole bar laughs)
Same guy in the crowd:She's not real dude.
Baal:FoOliShneSs!
(Diablo inches off)
Same guy in the crowd:It's true dude.
Baal:I am not a dude!
Same guy in the crowd:Huh?
Baal:I have no time for this. I must find this wench..and err "meet" her.
Same guy in the crowd:Good luck dude.
Guy next to same guy:Crack kills....
(Baal stomps off in search of 'the wench')
Diablo:What have you here mortal?
Bartender:Mortal? Oh, nevermind. We gots beer.
Diablo:I shall have a beer then.
Guy next to Diablo:Dude, you're only gonna have one? You look like you could down a river of beer. In fact, I challenge you to a drinking contest.
Diablo:Oh? Then have at thee!
Bartender:(Eyes flash money signs for a sec) Comin' right up.
(26 beers later, Diablo is slightly plastered while the challenger is passed out in his own vomit.)
Shady guy:Hey buddy wanna try this? (Holds out a blunt)
Baal:*sharply* What is that?
Shady guy:It'll make you feel nice...
Baal:NiCe?? Why would I want to be nice?!
Shady guy:Just try it man, I'll even light it fer ya.
(Baal puts the blunt up to his mouth. The shady guy lights it. Baal inhales once and the entire thing turns to ash and falls to the ground. Smoke drifts out his ears, and his eyes roll up into his head and come back up from the bottom.)
Shady guy:You good man. (passes out)
(Baal points at Shady guy and laughs like a pansy).
(Diablo walks over to him)
Diablo:Ha ha! Did you slay that one?
(Baal points at Diablo and laughs like a pansy).
Diablo:Baal? (Waves a hand in front of Baal's face).
(Mephisto strides into the bar).
Mephisto:Hail Diablo! Hail Baal!
Diablo:Hail Mephisto!
(Baal points at Mephisto and falls down laughing).
Mephisto:Ssso he finally broke after all thossse runsss. Ssshame.
(Door opens yet again and the Heroes walk in).
Druid:That was a great Memp run! I got the famed Jalal's Mane. :)
Sorceress:Memp's been stiffing me. I haven't got anything yet.
(Baal gets off the floor and looks at the Sorceress, then at the flyer, then at the Sorceress again.)
Baal:(To himself)It's my precious! (Louder)Hey I want to stiff you!
Sorceress:Excuse me....AH! It's BALL!
Necromancer:Baal.
Sorceress:Oh, sorry.
Assassin:Ah! It's DIABLO!
Amazon:Goodie! It's Memp!
Mephisto:*pissed off* WhAt!?
Barbarian:Let's run him! HHOOOOUUTT!
Bartender:(Stepping between them)Hey! Hey! I've already cleaned up the puke, I don't wanna clean up no blood and body parts.
Diablo:In that case, we shall challenge you all to a drinking contest!
Some guy in the crowd:*roars* YEEEAAAAH!
Bartender:(Eyes flash money signs for a sec) Comin' right up.
(Baal bursts with laughter and stamps his foot on the floor. Causing a table to fall down).
Diablo:Myself and Mephisto. Baal is slightly dillusional.
(The Heroes draw straws, the Paladin and the Druid draw the shortest straws).
Barbarian:*pouting* I wanted to go first...
Amazon:Stop whining (smacks the Barbarian's big bald head)
Barbarian:*still pouting* Ow.
Druid:Oh-boy
Paladin:I shall try my best.
(Paladin is down and out after two beers. The Druid drinks two more beers before turning into a werewolf, howls, and runs into the men's bathroom. Screams echo throughout the bar, guy runs out of the bathroom, with his pants down muttering 'the horror, the horror'. Mephisto is perfectly fine, and Diablo is a little more drunk.)
Baal:(Pushes the guy sitting next to the Sorceress off his stool)*still stoned* Hi, I seen you on the poster...
Sorceress:Ew.
Assassin:Time to draw straws again.
(The Heroes draw straws again. This time the Necromancer and the Barbarian draw the shortest straws).
Some guy:Why's in the chick in black leather alwaysh gettin' th' long straw.
Assassin:*Quietly* Shut up! (Smacks the guy).
Some guy:Woah psychodelic (passes out)
Baal:I thought those were supposed to be a little bigger (Pokes the Sorceress' boobs repeatedly).
Sorceress:Stop that! (smacks Baal's hand)
Baal:(laughs like a pansy) Ur funny.
Bartender:Next round o' drinks comin' up.
Barbarian:(Cracks knuckles) This is going to be easy!
Diablo:Ha! I doubt it!
(After an amazing 36 beers the Barbarian stammers 'No way' before crashing on the floor. The Necromancer looks as fit as a fiddle and his pale face starting to turn rather pink.)
Some guy in the crowd:Dude! I thought the big bald guy would own on the old guy.
Necromancer:Hmmmm..(Looks at his bulging belly) I must admit defeat. For I am full.
Some guy in the crowd:But you're not drunk! What the fuck?
Necromancer:(shrugs) I am full.
(Diablo sways back and forth, his stomach making a bunch of strange noises.)
Diablo:Something's...terribly wrong-(Runs to the woman's bathroom. High pitched screams are heard.)
Assassin:Well since the Sorceress is busy with her new boyfriend-
Sorceress:Hey!
Baal:Yeah! (Grabs the Sorceress in a bear hug).
Assassin:Guess it's either you or me. (Smiles a million-dollar, politician-esque smile).
(The Amazon and the Assassin draw straws. Guess who gets the shorter one...)
Assassin:Well then, good luck.
Amazon:Whatever.
(The roof caves in at a corner of the pub and Tyrael floats in).
Tyrael:What are you all doing here!
Some guy in the crowd:Whatsh it to you?
Tyrael:I was not talking to you.
Mephisto:TYRAEL! At lasst I ssshall have your-
(The Necromancer bleches rather loudly and his stomach deflates. The stench of alcohol drops Tyrael faster than DDT on a mosquito).
Some guy in the crowd:Is he dead?
Necromancer:(Kicks Tyrael, Tyrael groans)No.
Mephisto:Well he did my work for me. Let'sss get sstarted WRENCH!
Necromancer:Wench, you intoxicated idiot.
Mephisto:Whatever.
Amazon:That's my line.
Mephisto:Who caresss. Let uss begin!
(10 drinks later both contestants are still going strong. 20 beers later and the only that's changed is that the Sorceress' face is turning blue from Baal's gargantuan bear hug. Now we're at 30, Mephisto's started to waver a bit. And the Amazon is perfectly fine.)
Baal:My precious is finer!
Sorceress:Let up...please...need...oxygen.
(Down to 40 and Mephisto's eyes just glazed over, he's gettin pretty plastered. Now we're at 50 and Mephisto is spilling more than he's drinking. Amazon shows no signs of quitting. And at 60...)
Mephisto:I...will...not..be...defeated (Retches with all the unholy might of an anti-tank rifle. The bartender and his stock are hopelessly drenched. An inch of Memp-puke glazes the floor. Mephisto's head flops onto the counter. The Amazon lifts it up and it flops back down rather dead-like).
Assassin:Dibs on his left pocket! (The Amazon and the Assassin rifle through Mephisto's pockets).
Diablo:(Walks out of the woman's bathroom) Mephisto does not have any pockets.
Assassin:(Looks surprised, takes hand out of hell-knows-what) Eeeeeew.
Amazon:That's what you get for cheating.
Assassin:Me? Cheat?! Never! And you were sticking your hands in too.
Necromancer:Would you like to know what you were sticking you hands into?
Amazon:No!
Necromancer:Whatever you say. Heh heh.
Amazon:(Notices Diablo) Hey let's run him while he's plastered! It'll be easy as sh!t.
Diablo:You haven't seen the last of me!
Necromancer:Cliche, cliche-
Diablo:Whatever (Disappears in a column of flame).
Amazon:Dammit why's everyone stealing my lines!
Sorceress:(Turning purple) A little help here...
Assassin:Oh-yeah, nearly forgot about you and your B/F
Amazon:(Smacks the Assassin) We must save our sister!
Assassin:She's not my sister (smack) all right, all right, no more smacking.
Baal:Everyone wants my precious.
(A game of tug of war ensues with Baal on one end, the Amazon and Assassin on the other end and the Sorceress in the middle. The game goes on until....)
Tyrael:AaaAAaaAAaH! That stench!
Baal:ACK! (Drops the Sorceress).
(Diablo comes back, grabs Baal by the ear and teleports off.)
Baal:(As he's disappearing)No my precioooooouuuussss......
Bartender:(Comes out of shock) Oh...my...God-
(Druid runs out of the bathroom, barfs all over the Bartender and collapses)
~End~
Hell's Pass Pub
(In hell, Chaos Sanctuary)
Tortured Soul:No NO nO No! Not the featheeeeerrrr....
Diablo:Whilst I enjoy watching the torturing of these souls. It does get dull after some time.
(Infernal Paperboy rides by the Sanctuary. Tosses in the paper which smacks Baal on the forehead, waking him up.)
Baal:DaMn tHaT ImP!! I shall-
Diablo:What is that.
Baal:A stupid paperboy. Why do we have paper in hell anyway?! You would think-
Diablo:Shut up Baal, I meant this (shows him the flyer)
(Baal regards the flyer. Which has 'Hell's Pass Pub' written in big flaming letters and generic advertising stuff on it. Also has a rather suggestive picture of a busty demonic cat-lady).
Baal:Would you look at the size of those-
Diablo:Big flaming letters?
Baal:Err, something like that.
Diablo:This place seems much more entertaining than this dump.
Baal:Then call Mephisto and we shall depart.
(Diablo hits speed dial #1)
Mephisto:(Off in the background) Wait a second!
Amazon:(Off in the background)Awww...
Assassin:(Off in the background)What is it?!
Mephisto:(Off in the background)Phone!
Necromancer:(Off in the background)*mockingly* Memp's got a girlfriend-
Mephisto:(Off in the background)Sssshut up (In phone) Hello?
Diablo:Mephisto, have you spare time?
Mephisto:Not at the moment...
Diablo:Meet us at Hell's Pass Pub later then.
Barabarian:(Off in the background)EnOugH wAitiNg! HHOOOOUUUUUTT!
Mephisto:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
(Click bbbbbbuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-)
Baal:Busy?
Diablo:Quite, he'll meet us there later.
(At Hell's Pass Pub)
(General commotion. The door busts open and Diablo and Baal stride in. Commotion stops and everyone stares at them.)
Baal:(Looks at the flyer)*agitated* WheRe's tHe weNcH?!
Some guy in the crowd:Which one? (laughs)
Baal:(Points)tHiS onE!
(Whole bar laughs)
Same guy in the crowd:She's not real dude.
Baal:FoOliShneSs!
(Diablo inches off)
Same guy in the crowd:It's true dude.
Baal:I am not a dude!
Same guy in the crowd:Huh?
Baal:I have no time for this. I must find this wench..and err "meet" her.
Same guy in the crowd:Good luck dude.
Guy next to same guy:Crack kills....
(Baal stomps off in search of 'the wench')
Diablo:What have you here mortal?
Bartender:Mortal? Oh, nevermind. We gots beer.
Diablo:I shall have a beer then.
Guy next to Diablo:Dude, you're only gonna have one? You look like you could down a river of beer. In fact, I challenge you to a drinking contest.
Diablo:Oh? Then have at thee!
Bartender:(Eyes flash money signs for a sec) Comin' right up.
(26 beers later, Diablo is slightly plastered while the challenger is passed out in his own vomit.)
Shady guy:Hey buddy wanna try this? (Holds out a blunt)
Baal:*sharply* What is that?
Shady guy:It'll make you feel nice...
Baal:NiCe?? Why would I want to be nice?!
Shady guy:Just try it man, I'll even light it fer ya.
(Baal puts the blunt up to his mouth. The shady guy lights it. Baal inhales once and the entire thing turns to ash and falls to the ground. Smoke drifts out his ears, and his eyes roll up into his head and come back up from the bottom.)
Shady guy:You good man. (passes out)
(Baal points at Shady guy and laughs like a pansy).
(Diablo walks over to him)
Diablo:Ha ha! Did you slay that one?
(Baal points at Diablo and laughs like a pansy).
Diablo:Baal? (Waves a hand in front of Baal's face).
(Mephisto strides into the bar).
Mephisto:Hail Diablo! Hail Baal!
Diablo:Hail Mephisto!
(Baal points at Mephisto and falls down laughing).
Mephisto:Ssso he finally broke after all thossse runsss. Ssshame.
(Door opens yet again and the Heroes walk in).
Druid:That was a great Memp run! I got the famed Jalal's Mane. :)
Sorceress:Memp's been stiffing me. I haven't got anything yet.
(Baal gets off the floor and looks at the Sorceress, then at the flyer, then at the Sorceress again.)
Baal:(To himself)It's my precious! (Louder)Hey I want to stiff you!
Sorceress:Excuse me....AH! It's BALL!
Necromancer:Baal.
Sorceress:Oh, sorry.
Assassin:Ah! It's DIABLO!
Amazon:Goodie! It's Memp!
Mephisto:*pissed off* WhAt!?
Barbarian:Let's run him! HHOOOOUUTT!
Bartender:(Stepping between them)Hey! Hey! I've already cleaned up the puke, I don't wanna clean up no blood and body parts.
Diablo:In that case, we shall challenge you all to a drinking contest!
Some guy in the crowd:*roars* YEEEAAAAH!
Bartender:(Eyes flash money signs for a sec) Comin' right up.
(Baal bursts with laughter and stamps his foot on the floor. Causing a table to fall down).
Diablo:Myself and Mephisto. Baal is slightly dillusional.
(The Heroes draw straws, the Paladin and the Druid draw the shortest straws).
Barbarian:*pouting* I wanted to go first...
Amazon:Stop whining (smacks the Barbarian's big bald head)
Barbarian:*still pouting* Ow.
Druid:Oh-boy
Paladin:I shall try my best.
(Paladin is down and out after two beers. The Druid drinks two more beers before turning into a werewolf, howls, and runs into the men's bathroom. Screams echo throughout the bar, guy runs out of the bathroom, with his pants down muttering 'the horror, the horror'. Mephisto is perfectly fine, and Diablo is a little more drunk.)
Baal:(Pushes the guy sitting next to the Sorceress off his stool)*still stoned* Hi, I seen you on the poster...
Sorceress:Ew.
Assassin:Time to draw straws again.
(The Heroes draw straws again. This time the Necromancer and the Barbarian draw the shortest straws).
Some guy:Why's in the chick in black leather alwaysh gettin' th' long straw.
Assassin:*Quietly* Shut up! (Smacks the guy).
Some guy:Woah psychodelic (passes out)
Baal:I thought those were supposed to be a little bigger (Pokes the Sorceress' boobs repeatedly).
Sorceress:Stop that! (smacks Baal's hand)
Baal:(laughs like a pansy) Ur funny.
Bartender:Next round o' drinks comin' up.
Barbarian:(Cracks knuckles) This is going to be easy!
Diablo:Ha! I doubt it!
(After an amazing 36 beers the Barbarian stammers 'No way' before crashing on the floor. The Necromancer looks as fit as a fiddle and his pale face starting to turn rather pink.)
Some guy in the crowd:Dude! I thought the big bald guy would own on the old guy.
Necromancer:Hmmmm..(Looks at his bulging belly) I must admit defeat. For I am full.
Some guy in the crowd:But you're not drunk! What the fuck?
Necromancer:(shrugs) I am full.
(Diablo sways back and forth, his stomach making a bunch of strange noises.)
Diablo:Something's...terribly wrong-(Runs to the woman's bathroom. High pitched screams are heard.)
Assassin:Well since the Sorceress is busy with her new boyfriend-
Sorceress:Hey!
Baal:Yeah! (Grabs the Sorceress in a bear hug).
Assassin:Guess it's either you or me. (Smiles a million-dollar, politician-esque smile).
(The Amazon and the Assassin draw straws. Guess who gets the shorter one...)
Assassin:Well then, good luck.
Amazon:Whatever.
(The roof caves in at a corner of the pub and Tyrael floats in).
Tyrael:What are you all doing here!
Some guy in the crowd:Whatsh it to you?
Tyrael:I was not talking to you.
Mephisto:TYRAEL! At lasst I ssshall have your-
(The Necromancer bleches rather loudly and his stomach deflates. The stench of alcohol drops Tyrael faster than DDT on a mosquito).
Some guy in the crowd:Is he dead?
Necromancer:(Kicks Tyrael, Tyrael groans)No.
Mephisto:Well he did my work for me. Let'sss get sstarted WRENCH!
Necromancer:Wench, you intoxicated idiot.
Mephisto:Whatever.
Amazon:That's my line.
Mephisto:Who caresss. Let uss begin!
(10 drinks later both contestants are still going strong. 20 beers later and the only that's changed is that the Sorceress' face is turning blue from Baal's gargantuan bear hug. Now we're at 30, Mephisto's started to waver a bit. And the Amazon is perfectly fine.)
Baal:My precious is finer!
Sorceress:Let up...please...need...oxygen.
(Down to 40 and Mephisto's eyes just glazed over, he's gettin pretty plastered. Now we're at 50 and Mephisto is spilling more than he's drinking. Amazon shows no signs of quitting. And at 60...)
Mephisto:I...will...not..be...defeated (Retches with all the unholy might of an anti-tank rifle. The bartender and his stock are hopelessly drenched. An inch of Memp-puke glazes the floor. Mephisto's head flops onto the counter. The Amazon lifts it up and it flops back down rather dead-like).
Assassin:Dibs on his left pocket! (The Amazon and the Assassin rifle through Mephisto's pockets).
Diablo:(Walks out of the woman's bathroom) Mephisto does not have any pockets.
Assassin:(Looks surprised, takes hand out of hell-knows-what) Eeeeeew.
Amazon:That's what you get for cheating.
Assassin:Me? Cheat?! Never! And you were sticking your hands in too.
Necromancer:Would you like to know what you were sticking you hands into?
Amazon:No!
Necromancer:Whatever you say. Heh heh.
Amazon:(Notices Diablo) Hey let's run him while he's plastered! It'll be easy as sh!t.
Diablo:You haven't seen the last of me!
Necromancer:Cliche, cliche-
Diablo:Whatever (Disappears in a column of flame).
Amazon:Dammit why's everyone stealing my lines!
Sorceress:(Turning purple) A little help here...
Assassin:Oh-yeah, nearly forgot about you and your B/F
Amazon:(Smacks the Assassin) We must save our sister!
Assassin:She's not my sister (smack) all right, all right, no more smacking.
Baal:Everyone wants my precious.
(A game of tug of war ensues with Baal on one end, the Amazon and Assassin on the other end and the Sorceress in the middle. The game goes on until....)
Tyrael:AaaAAaaAAaH! That stench!
Baal:ACK! (Drops the Sorceress).
(Diablo comes back, grabs Baal by the ear and teleports off.)
Baal:(As he's disappearing)No my precioooooouuuussss......
Bartender:(Comes out of shock) Oh...my...God-
(Druid runs out of the bathroom, barfs all over the Bartender and collapses)
~End~