Prime Ratings-Part 1
(hell, Chaos Sanctuary)
(The Infernal mailman approaches the Sanctuary and rings the Infernal doorbell)
Infernal doorbell:("here comes the bride" plays)
Diablo:(from inside) Aaargh, I need to fix that! (answers the door) Who dares approach my Sanctuary?
Infernal mailman:I've got a letter for a 'Big, ugly, red guy in hell'.
Diablo:What!! I shall (insert painful punishment involving waxed wood and a snowmaker).
Infernal mailman:Sorry sir, just doin' my job.
DiAblo:ThIs iS nOt yOUr jOb!! It Is YouR eTerNAl toRtuRe!!
Infernal mailman:I know, this shit sucks. Sign here.
Diablo:(brands his name on the paper, looks at the letter)What makes you think that I am the recipient?
Infernal mailman:There are a lotta big, ugly, red guys here, but you're the biggest, ugliest, and reddest of all, later. (leaves)
Diablo:Come back here infidel, I shall (insert painful punishment involving a little kitten and a milk carton)! (opens the letter)
Letter:Dear Big Ugly Red Guy. Recently I met you and your big ugly grey buddies. I am now casting a movie and am in dire need of a bad guy. I cannot find someone evil enough for the insidous part. I'm hoping that either you or one of your big ugly grey buddies can come to the audition. Lates, the Director.
Baal:(looks over Diablo's shoulder) *sharply* What is that?!
Diablo:Don't you ever go home!
Baal:This is my home.
dIabLo:ThIs IS mY hoUsE!
Baal:We are 'bunking' together get used to me.
Diablo:'Bunking'? Did you pick that up at Hell's Pass?
Baal:Never mind! What is that? (points at the letter).
Diablo:Baal, that is rude. It is my mail, and it does not concern you.
Baal:I want to see! I want to see!
Diablo:ALL RIIIGHT! (hands Baal the letter).
Baal:(points and laughs at Diablo) Big Ugly Red Guy, ha ha!! (continues reading)....Big ugly grey buddies? *sharply* Who wrote this! (continues reading) The Director! That is the one who lied about the FlaMe-bRoIleD bEEf!
Diablo:That director! I owe him a punishment!!
Baal:(glances at Diablo) You owe every soul a punishment...
Diablo:That one deserves it!!
Baal:We lie everyday.
Diablo:He lied about FLAME-BROILED BEEF!
(Mephisto re-spawns)
Diablo:I re-spawn here Mephisto, do you not have a home to go to?
Mephisto:Thissss isss my home. The Durance isss not sssafe.
(Diablo smacks head)
Mephisto:What isss that there? (snatches the letter from Baal)
BaAl:HoW ruDe!!!
Diablo:Hypocrite.
Mephisto:(laughs) Big Ugly-
Diablo:That is not funny!!
Baal:You are right Diablo. It is not funny, it is hilarious!
Mephisto:(continues reading).....Big ugly grey buddiessss?
Diablo:(laughs in an attempt to deflate Baal and Mephisto's egos)
Baal:That is not funny!
Diablo:You are right Baal. It is not funny, it is hilarious!
Baal:Hey, why does that sound familiar...
Mephisto:Becaussse you are an idiot. (continues reading) The Director! He got me killed!
Baal:(glances at Mephisto)You always get killed.
(Mephisto's cell phone rings, he pulls it out of God knows what, and pulls up the antena).
Mephisto:Hello?
Director:Hi, you're the big ugly red guy right?
Mephisto:(does a slow burn) *snaps* NO! I am the big ugly grey buddy!
Diablo:(snickers)
Director:Well like-put me on the line with the Big Ugly Red guy will ya pal.
Mephisto:(sincerely pissed) Big Ugly Red Guy it isss for you! Here!! (pratically shoves the phone down Diablo's throat)
Diablo:What do you want!
Director:Heeeeey did ya get my letter?
Diablo:(in a little, bitty, strained voice) yes.
Director:Great, great. Listen baby, have ya thought it over?
Diablo:How dare you call me baby!!!
Mephisto and Baal:(collapse, laughing their heads off)
DIABLO:*REALLY PISSED* SHUT UP!!!!!
Baal and Mephisto:(stop laughing, stand up and pretend they didn't hear anything)
Director:You havin' a fight with your wife buddy? Ah, never mind. Have ya thought it over. See I'm a millionaire now, and seeing you guys the other day in hell got my creative juices flowing ya know. So I wrote the greatest script yesterday. And I really need a professional for the bad guy. See, I based him so much on you and your buddies that the part just screams YOU! So whattayasay?
Diablo:What is this part you speak of?
Director:Its like-the bad guy. He does evil things-
Diablo:*excitedly* Evil things! I like it!
Baal:What are you talking about? I want to know!
Mephisto:Do not banter long. I am fast loosing funds with which to pay for extra minutes!
(Alf from the 10-10-220 commercials zones in)
Alf:Don't dispair, my evil snakey friend. Just dial 10-10-220 and pay just ninety-nine cents for all calls up to twenty-
Mephisto:What isss thiss?!! I am not your friend!!
(Carrot Top zones in)
Carrot Top:Just dial down the center with 1800 CALL ATT for your collect calls! Nice pad man.
Diablo:This is my house!! Who are you?
(Mister T busts the door down)
Mister T:I pity the evil foo' that don't use 1800 COLLECT, and saves his minions a buck or two!
(Alf, Carrot Top, and Mister T all notice each other. A good ol' fashioned slobberknocker starts)
Director:What was that all about? I coulda sworn I heard Alf, and like-that guy Mister T too.
Diablo:Never mind that, we are coming to do evil.
Director:Great, I'll see ya whenever ya get here. Lates Big guy!
Diablo:Come brothers, we shall spread evil amongst the world again!
(Baal and Mephisto are captivated by the collect call brawl)
Baal:Ten tortured souls says flame hair wins.
Mephisto:Deal, I bet fifteen on the little brown imp.
Baal:Deal
Diablo:(smacks head, grabs them by their "ears") Come we are going to do EVIL!!
Baal:But wait...!
(Earth, Dumass Productions)
(Waiting Room)
Director's Secretary:The Director will see you now.
Baal:About time!
(Evils stride into the Director's office)
Director:Hey guys, what's up?
Diablo:We have come to do evil.
Director:Greeeeat, one small problem though.
BAaL:ProBleM? pRoBLem! prOblEm?! *snaps* What is the problem!!
Director:Woah calm down buddy. Its not THAT big a problem.
Mephisto:What isss the problem then?
Director:I only need one guy. There's only one bad guy.
(Diablo, Baal, and Mephisto look at each other with murder in their eyes)
Director:Hey, hey! This isn't Mortal Kombat, this is Hollywood, baby. We solve problems like this with auditions.
Diablo, Baal, and Mephisto:Auditions?
Director:Yeah, that's how we tell who the best one is.
Diablo:I shall surely win this fight!
Director:It's not a fight man. It's an A-U-D-I-T-I-O-N.
Baal:How can you find out who is the best without a fight?!
Director:Easy. We let you act out the part, and decide who did it the best.
Mephisto:Part?
Director:What the bad guy does. In this case anyways.
Diablo:So what you are saying is that the one that does the most evil will get the part?
(Before the Director can answer, Mephisto knocks his desk aside. It busts the wall down and sets off a whole parking lot of car alarms)
Director:What'd you do that for?!
Mephisto:It isss evil, and I desssire the "part".
Director:But, the bad guy doesn't topple desks, break walls, or set off car alarms.
Diablo:Then what DOES he do?
Director:He captures fair maidens.
Baal:Ni-ice.
Diablo:That is boring.
Mephisto:It isss cliched asss well.
Baal:I think it is a fine hobby. Pick me!
Director:Sorry buddy we still need to do the auditions. Wait a sec, I can't like-just call ya'll buddy, man, or pal while you're here. What ARE your names anyway?
Diablo:I am known and feared among mortals as Diablo!
Mephisto:I am the Lord of Hatred Mephisto!
Baal:I am Baal, pick me!
Mephisto:Ssssince we are asssking quesstionsss, how did you aquire my phone number?
Director:It was in the yellow pages.
Mephisto:The "yellow pages"? How did my phone number get into the yellow pages....how did you FIND my phone number in the yellow pages!
Baal:What exactly are the "yellow pages"?
Director:Easy guy, I just looked for the weirdest name in there!
Diablo:Baal and Diablo do not sound weird to you mortal?
Director:But Mephisto's got so many letters that seemed like-really weird.
Baal:Are you saying that am inferior because I have less letters in my name than Mephisto?!
Director:Heh heh, let's just go to those auditions.
(later, on the set)
Director:The hero and the fair maiden haven't been casted yet either, so you'll be working with Bob and Ralph for your auditions.
Baal:I see no fair maiden!
Director:Just pretend Ralph is the fair maiden for now.
Baal:I would kill myself before I captured that!
Ralph:That hurts dude...
Director:He's not the real maiden. The fair maiden's hasn't been casted yet.
Baal:Why not?
Director:'Cause we can't have two auditions going on at once Ball, you silly demon.
Baal:I am Baal, not Ball.
Director:All right, who's going first?
Mephisto:I am the oldesst, therefore I ssshall go firsst.
Diablo:But I am the youngest! It is my birthrite to go first.
Baal:No it isn't you came last.
Diablo:But you came in the middle!
Director:All right it's decided, you're up first Snakes. (hands Mephisto the script)
Mephisto:(gives the Director a dirty look) What do I do.
Director:Read the lines off the script, do what's said in parentheses and do it with flair!
Mephisto:(looks at the script, gets on the set) Help.....help, the demon has-
Ralph:Hey, you stole my line!
Director:Ooops just do the ones highlighted yellow.
Mephisto:All right.
Ralph:Help, hel-
Mephisto:HA HA HA HA HA HA! Who will sssave you know? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Director:Um, the laughing at the end was a nice touch, but you're supposed to wait for the fair maiden to finish HIS lines first.
Baal:That is disgusting.
Mephisto:Wait, wait! I wait for no mortal.
Director:But you have to, or you won't get the part.
Mephisto:Fine, then I ssshall wait.
Ralph:*girlish tone* Help, help. The demon has taken me hostage.
Mephisto:HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! Who will sssave you now? MUAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!
(Bob enters stage left, donning cardboard armor and a wooden sword)
Bob:Halt e-vil doer!
Diablo:What is this?
Director:That's the knight in shining armor. Great job Snakes. Now it's your turn Ball, since you're the monkey in the middle-
bAAl:i Am nO moNKEy!
Director:Re-lax, its like-an expression. Anyhoo, get on stage, wait you're turn. Read the highlighted script, and do what it says in the parentheses. (hands Baal a script)
Baal:(Gets on stage, looks at the script) You will NOT defeat ME hero! This fair maiden will be mine forever! (Waves appendages around threateningly)
Bob:Have at thee! (charges at Baal, Baal takes it seriously and devours him whole)
Random set person:Oh my God! He ate Bob!
Director:That was not cool Ball. You weren't supposed to eat him.
Baal:He tried to attack me!
Diablo:With his frail armor and puny sword, he posed no challenge to you!
Ralph:Man, I'm glad I drew the shortest straw.
Director:(sighs) Bring in Joe.
(Joe arrives stage right, dressed like Bob)
Director:That's enough Ball. O-k Big Red you're up!
Diablo:Why did you ask our names if you were going to call us by those stupid titles?
Director:'Cause your real names are too difficult, and we're pals! :)
Mephisto:(to himself) At least he does not call me Memp.
Director:What, you already had a nickname and you didn't tell me!
Baal:He does not like to be called Memp, and I do not like to be called Ball! Is Baal too difficult for your mortal mouth?
Director:Naw, I'm your pal Ball baby. Now Big Red, YOu get to act out the dying scene. (Hands Diablo a script)
Diablo:(gets on stage, looks at the script) Is that the best you have to offer? HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Joe:I shall smite thee evil demon (swipes at Diablo)
Diablo:Aaaarrgghh I'm dead! (mock-explodes)
(The entire building is burned to the ground and every is covered in black ash)
Diablo:*proudly* How was THAT!
Director:Ya didn't have to go that far buddy. Now we're gonna have to build a new building.
(The heros zone in at the waypoint next to Dumass Productions)
Druid:This is Dumb-ass Productions isn't it?
Necromancer:Du-mass.
Amazon:Whatever.
(Silence settles in for a brief few seconds)
Director:There you are, you're a bit late though, Big Red burned the building down-
(The Heroes and the Prime Evils point at each other and scream)
Director:You guys know each other? Groovy! Now it'll seem more emotional. I might even win a Tony!
Necromancer:This is a movie isn't it?
Director:Yup
Necromancer:Then you would win an Oscar.
Director:Ha ha, Oscar, Tony. It all sounds like a bunch of guys to me.
Sorceress:We have to work with them?
Director:Yeah, one of thems gonna be the bad guy. And one of you is gonna be the fair maiden, another's gonna be the knight in shining armor, and then there's also the mentor!
Everyone except the Paladin:Oh shit.
Paladin:Holy casting calls!
End of Part 1....
Endnotes:O-k so noone was casted in this part, but the parts will be casted in part two of Prime Ratings, which will be posted as soon as its finished.
(hell, Chaos Sanctuary)
(The Infernal mailman approaches the Sanctuary and rings the Infernal doorbell)
Infernal doorbell:("here comes the bride" plays)
Diablo:(from inside) Aaargh, I need to fix that! (answers the door) Who dares approach my Sanctuary?
Infernal mailman:I've got a letter for a 'Big, ugly, red guy in hell'.
Diablo:What!! I shall (insert painful punishment involving waxed wood and a snowmaker).
Infernal mailman:Sorry sir, just doin' my job.
DiAblo:ThIs iS nOt yOUr jOb!! It Is YouR eTerNAl toRtuRe!!
Infernal mailman:I know, this shit sucks. Sign here.
Diablo:(brands his name on the paper, looks at the letter)What makes you think that I am the recipient?
Infernal mailman:There are a lotta big, ugly, red guys here, but you're the biggest, ugliest, and reddest of all, later. (leaves)
Diablo:Come back here infidel, I shall (insert painful punishment involving a little kitten and a milk carton)! (opens the letter)
Letter:Dear Big Ugly Red Guy. Recently I met you and your big ugly grey buddies. I am now casting a movie and am in dire need of a bad guy. I cannot find someone evil enough for the insidous part. I'm hoping that either you or one of your big ugly grey buddies can come to the audition. Lates, the Director.
Baal:(looks over Diablo's shoulder) *sharply* What is that?!
Diablo:Don't you ever go home!
Baal:This is my home.
dIabLo:ThIs IS mY hoUsE!
Baal:We are 'bunking' together get used to me.
Diablo:'Bunking'? Did you pick that up at Hell's Pass?
Baal:Never mind! What is that? (points at the letter).
Diablo:Baal, that is rude. It is my mail, and it does not concern you.
Baal:I want to see! I want to see!
Diablo:ALL RIIIGHT! (hands Baal the letter).
Baal:(points and laughs at Diablo) Big Ugly Red Guy, ha ha!! (continues reading)....Big ugly grey buddies? *sharply* Who wrote this! (continues reading) The Director! That is the one who lied about the FlaMe-bRoIleD bEEf!
Diablo:That director! I owe him a punishment!!
Baal:(glances at Diablo) You owe every soul a punishment...
Diablo:That one deserves it!!
Baal:We lie everyday.
Diablo:He lied about FLAME-BROILED BEEF!
(Mephisto re-spawns)
Diablo:I re-spawn here Mephisto, do you not have a home to go to?
Mephisto:Thissss isss my home. The Durance isss not sssafe.
(Diablo smacks head)
Mephisto:What isss that there? (snatches the letter from Baal)
BaAl:HoW ruDe!!!
Diablo:Hypocrite.
Mephisto:(laughs) Big Ugly-
Diablo:That is not funny!!
Baal:You are right Diablo. It is not funny, it is hilarious!
Mephisto:(continues reading).....Big ugly grey buddiessss?
Diablo:(laughs in an attempt to deflate Baal and Mephisto's egos)
Baal:That is not funny!
Diablo:You are right Baal. It is not funny, it is hilarious!
Baal:Hey, why does that sound familiar...
Mephisto:Becaussse you are an idiot. (continues reading) The Director! He got me killed!
Baal:(glances at Mephisto)You always get killed.
(Mephisto's cell phone rings, he pulls it out of God knows what, and pulls up the antena).
Mephisto:Hello?
Director:Hi, you're the big ugly red guy right?
Mephisto:(does a slow burn) *snaps* NO! I am the big ugly grey buddy!
Diablo:(snickers)
Director:Well like-put me on the line with the Big Ugly Red guy will ya pal.
Mephisto:(sincerely pissed) Big Ugly Red Guy it isss for you! Here!! (pratically shoves the phone down Diablo's throat)
Diablo:What do you want!
Director:Heeeeey did ya get my letter?
Diablo:(in a little, bitty, strained voice) yes.
Director:Great, great. Listen baby, have ya thought it over?
Diablo:How dare you call me baby!!!
Mephisto and Baal:(collapse, laughing their heads off)
DIABLO:*REALLY PISSED* SHUT UP!!!!!
Baal and Mephisto:(stop laughing, stand up and pretend they didn't hear anything)
Director:You havin' a fight with your wife buddy? Ah, never mind. Have ya thought it over. See I'm a millionaire now, and seeing you guys the other day in hell got my creative juices flowing ya know. So I wrote the greatest script yesterday. And I really need a professional for the bad guy. See, I based him so much on you and your buddies that the part just screams YOU! So whattayasay?
Diablo:What is this part you speak of?
Director:Its like-the bad guy. He does evil things-
Diablo:*excitedly* Evil things! I like it!
Baal:What are you talking about? I want to know!
Mephisto:Do not banter long. I am fast loosing funds with which to pay for extra minutes!
(Alf from the 10-10-220 commercials zones in)
Alf:Don't dispair, my evil snakey friend. Just dial 10-10-220 and pay just ninety-nine cents for all calls up to twenty-
Mephisto:What isss thiss?!! I am not your friend!!
(Carrot Top zones in)
Carrot Top:Just dial down the center with 1800 CALL ATT for your collect calls! Nice pad man.
Diablo:This is my house!! Who are you?
(Mister T busts the door down)
Mister T:I pity the evil foo' that don't use 1800 COLLECT, and saves his minions a buck or two!
(Alf, Carrot Top, and Mister T all notice each other. A good ol' fashioned slobberknocker starts)
Director:What was that all about? I coulda sworn I heard Alf, and like-that guy Mister T too.
Diablo:Never mind that, we are coming to do evil.
Director:Great, I'll see ya whenever ya get here. Lates Big guy!
Diablo:Come brothers, we shall spread evil amongst the world again!
(Baal and Mephisto are captivated by the collect call brawl)
Baal:Ten tortured souls says flame hair wins.
Mephisto:Deal, I bet fifteen on the little brown imp.
Baal:Deal
Diablo:(smacks head, grabs them by their "ears") Come we are going to do EVIL!!
Baal:But wait...!
(Earth, Dumass Productions)
(Waiting Room)
Director's Secretary:The Director will see you now.
Baal:About time!
(Evils stride into the Director's office)
Director:Hey guys, what's up?
Diablo:We have come to do evil.
Director:Greeeeat, one small problem though.
BAaL:ProBleM? pRoBLem! prOblEm?! *snaps* What is the problem!!
Director:Woah calm down buddy. Its not THAT big a problem.
Mephisto:What isss the problem then?
Director:I only need one guy. There's only one bad guy.
(Diablo, Baal, and Mephisto look at each other with murder in their eyes)
Director:Hey, hey! This isn't Mortal Kombat, this is Hollywood, baby. We solve problems like this with auditions.
Diablo, Baal, and Mephisto:Auditions?
Director:Yeah, that's how we tell who the best one is.
Diablo:I shall surely win this fight!
Director:It's not a fight man. It's an A-U-D-I-T-I-O-N.
Baal:How can you find out who is the best without a fight?!
Director:Easy. We let you act out the part, and decide who did it the best.
Mephisto:Part?
Director:What the bad guy does. In this case anyways.
Diablo:So what you are saying is that the one that does the most evil will get the part?
(Before the Director can answer, Mephisto knocks his desk aside. It busts the wall down and sets off a whole parking lot of car alarms)
Director:What'd you do that for?!
Mephisto:It isss evil, and I desssire the "part".
Director:But, the bad guy doesn't topple desks, break walls, or set off car alarms.
Diablo:Then what DOES he do?
Director:He captures fair maidens.
Baal:Ni-ice.
Diablo:That is boring.
Mephisto:It isss cliched asss well.
Baal:I think it is a fine hobby. Pick me!
Director:Sorry buddy we still need to do the auditions. Wait a sec, I can't like-just call ya'll buddy, man, or pal while you're here. What ARE your names anyway?
Diablo:I am known and feared among mortals as Diablo!
Mephisto:I am the Lord of Hatred Mephisto!
Baal:I am Baal, pick me!
Mephisto:Ssssince we are asssking quesstionsss, how did you aquire my phone number?
Director:It was in the yellow pages.
Mephisto:The "yellow pages"? How did my phone number get into the yellow pages....how did you FIND my phone number in the yellow pages!
Baal:What exactly are the "yellow pages"?
Director:Easy guy, I just looked for the weirdest name in there!
Diablo:Baal and Diablo do not sound weird to you mortal?
Director:But Mephisto's got so many letters that seemed like-really weird.
Baal:Are you saying that am inferior because I have less letters in my name than Mephisto?!
Director:Heh heh, let's just go to those auditions.
(later, on the set)
Director:The hero and the fair maiden haven't been casted yet either, so you'll be working with Bob and Ralph for your auditions.
Baal:I see no fair maiden!
Director:Just pretend Ralph is the fair maiden for now.
Baal:I would kill myself before I captured that!
Ralph:That hurts dude...
Director:He's not the real maiden. The fair maiden's hasn't been casted yet.
Baal:Why not?
Director:'Cause we can't have two auditions going on at once Ball, you silly demon.
Baal:I am Baal, not Ball.
Director:All right, who's going first?
Mephisto:I am the oldesst, therefore I ssshall go firsst.
Diablo:But I am the youngest! It is my birthrite to go first.
Baal:No it isn't you came last.
Diablo:But you came in the middle!
Director:All right it's decided, you're up first Snakes. (hands Mephisto the script)
Mephisto:(gives the Director a dirty look) What do I do.
Director:Read the lines off the script, do what's said in parentheses and do it with flair!
Mephisto:(looks at the script, gets on the set) Help.....help, the demon has-
Ralph:Hey, you stole my line!
Director:Ooops just do the ones highlighted yellow.
Mephisto:All right.
Ralph:Help, hel-
Mephisto:HA HA HA HA HA HA! Who will sssave you know? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Director:Um, the laughing at the end was a nice touch, but you're supposed to wait for the fair maiden to finish HIS lines first.
Baal:That is disgusting.
Mephisto:Wait, wait! I wait for no mortal.
Director:But you have to, or you won't get the part.
Mephisto:Fine, then I ssshall wait.
Ralph:*girlish tone* Help, help. The demon has taken me hostage.
Mephisto:HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! Who will sssave you now? MUAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!
(Bob enters stage left, donning cardboard armor and a wooden sword)
Bob:Halt e-vil doer!
Diablo:What is this?
Director:That's the knight in shining armor. Great job Snakes. Now it's your turn Ball, since you're the monkey in the middle-
bAAl:i Am nO moNKEy!
Director:Re-lax, its like-an expression. Anyhoo, get on stage, wait you're turn. Read the highlighted script, and do what it says in the parentheses. (hands Baal a script)
Baal:(Gets on stage, looks at the script) You will NOT defeat ME hero! This fair maiden will be mine forever! (Waves appendages around threateningly)
Bob:Have at thee! (charges at Baal, Baal takes it seriously and devours him whole)
Random set person:Oh my God! He ate Bob!
Director:That was not cool Ball. You weren't supposed to eat him.
Baal:He tried to attack me!
Diablo:With his frail armor and puny sword, he posed no challenge to you!
Ralph:Man, I'm glad I drew the shortest straw.
Director:(sighs) Bring in Joe.
(Joe arrives stage right, dressed like Bob)
Director:That's enough Ball. O-k Big Red you're up!
Diablo:Why did you ask our names if you were going to call us by those stupid titles?
Director:'Cause your real names are too difficult, and we're pals! :)
Mephisto:(to himself) At least he does not call me Memp.
Director:What, you already had a nickname and you didn't tell me!
Baal:He does not like to be called Memp, and I do not like to be called Ball! Is Baal too difficult for your mortal mouth?
Director:Naw, I'm your pal Ball baby. Now Big Red, YOu get to act out the dying scene. (Hands Diablo a script)
Diablo:(gets on stage, looks at the script) Is that the best you have to offer? HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Joe:I shall smite thee evil demon (swipes at Diablo)
Diablo:Aaaarrgghh I'm dead! (mock-explodes)
(The entire building is burned to the ground and every is covered in black ash)
Diablo:*proudly* How was THAT!
Director:Ya didn't have to go that far buddy. Now we're gonna have to build a new building.
(The heros zone in at the waypoint next to Dumass Productions)
Druid:This is Dumb-ass Productions isn't it?
Necromancer:Du-mass.
Amazon:Whatever.
(Silence settles in for a brief few seconds)
Director:There you are, you're a bit late though, Big Red burned the building down-
(The Heroes and the Prime Evils point at each other and scream)
Director:You guys know each other? Groovy! Now it'll seem more emotional. I might even win a Tony!
Necromancer:This is a movie isn't it?
Director:Yup
Necromancer:Then you would win an Oscar.
Director:Ha ha, Oscar, Tony. It all sounds like a bunch of guys to me.
Sorceress:We have to work with them?
Director:Yeah, one of thems gonna be the bad guy. And one of you is gonna be the fair maiden, another's gonna be the knight in shining armor, and then there's also the mentor!
Everyone except the Paladin:Oh shit.
Paladin:Holy casting calls!
End of Part 1....
Endnotes:O-k so noone was casted in this part, but the parts will be casted in part two of Prime Ratings, which will be posted as soon as its finished.