Authors' Note-Sorry this next edition of long delays. Every time we would get a good idea our brains would spritz!
Prime Ratings-Part 2
(The fine crew at Dumass {snicker snicker} have taken the liberty to rebuild the studio during the long intermission.)
Baal:Holy casting calls?
Paladin:Yes, do you have a problem with my choice of vocabulary?
Baal:*rolls eyes*
Director:Come on now, we need to-like cast the knight in shining armor!
Paladin:That part was written for me.
Barbarian:I wanna be the hero...
Druid:I want to save the chick! I'll do it with style.
Baal:*snickers immaturely*
Necromancer:Don't be foolish, dark is in nowadays.
Director:Uhh sorry last guy, you look too old to be the knight in shining armor.
Necromancer:*threateningly* Is that a stereotype?
Director:No-way, I need a young, hot guy for my knight.
(An awkward silence settles in, everyone stares at the director. Baal shudders.)
Director:Any-hoo we need to get the audition on!
Mephisto:WAIT!!
Director:What is it Memp?
Mephisto:*sharply* Do not call me by that name!
Director:O-k Memp, what did you need to say?
Mephisto:*rolls eyes* We are not doing evil. We came to do evil and we are not yet doing anything sssshort of following your directionssss!
Director:Nah! Of course you're doing evil.
Mephisto:But all we have been doing for the passst hour is lisssten to you!
Director:It's in the script, guy.
Mephisto:That'sss not evil! Thisss is evil! *sucker punches Ralph*
Ralph:Ouch, that wasn't nice.
Mephisto:Of coursssse, it issss evil! MWUAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Director:After we get this casting done you can do all the evil you want.
Mephisto:*eyes grow big* Really?
Diablo:Anything?
Baal:Without those pesky heroes to stop us?
Assassin:Hey!
Director:Yes you can, AFTER we get finished guys.
Prime Evils:Fine.
Director:Now on to the auditions!
(At the knight auditions.)
Director:You all will be working with Ralph and Jeffy today with this audition.
(Jeffy walks on stage left in a cruddy monster suit and waves.)
Ralph:I'm the maiden again! ^^
(Everyone present, excluding the director shudders.)
Director:Well Mr. Din, you get to go first.
Paladin:MY name is not Mr. Din good sir.
Director:What are your names anyway?
Paladin:Paladin.
Barbarian:Me Barbarian.
Druid:I'm called Druid.
Necromancer:I would tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Director:You little spoilsport.
Paladin:*ever so coincidentally saying something before the Necromancer* Now what shall I do?
Director:Read the script, and do what it says. You've got the part where you slay the de-
Paladin:dIe fOUl BeASt!! *zeals Jeffy to a bloody pulp*
Ralph:*mutters a prayer under his breath*
Director:Oh my...
Necromancer:*amused* Overdone it a little?
(The Prime Evils warp in suddenly. Mephisto is holding a little card that has the number two and a half on it. Diablo is holding a similar sign with the words 'six feet under' on it. Baal also has a sign and it has a big, flaming, red number ten. Before the heroes can react they warp out again.)
Director:Well, well wasn't that interesting? It's your turn now Barb, *hands the Barbarian a script*. You get the dramatic speech part!
Barbarian:I can't read...
Necromancer:Who didn't see that one coming?
Druid:Neither can I, just go with the flow.
Barbarian:*intrigued* Where's the flow?
Druid:Nevermind, make up your own dramatic speech.
Director:Yes, improv my boy!
Barbarian:O-k *takes a de-ep breath* HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
(All the windows in the building break, the door falls down to reveal the girls playing cards at which the Assassin is cheating. Everyone in the room pops their ears before doing anything else.)
Director:Well that was....forceful. Now its your turn Dru *hands him a script* You have to carry the fair maiden off to the castle.
Druid:Aaahhh sick.
Ralph:Be gentle, I bruise easy. ^^
Druid:Ick *gets on the stage and with some difficulty picks up Ralph and throws him over his shoulder* Fear not fair maiden! I shall take you back to the castle....
Barbarian:Hey, I thought you couldn't read?
Druid:I lied to motivate you big guy.
Barbarian:O-k :).
Ralph:What's this?
Druid:*quickly* Don't touch me there!
(Ralph touches anyway, the Druid roars and shapeshifts into a werebear. Ralph screams like a pansy and faints, the Druid runs off carrying the unconsious Ralph.)
Paladin:How dare you! *chases after the Druid*
Director:Well, it was gonna happen anyway. Bring in Big Mack.
(Big Mack, three hundred pounds of lard ass waddles onto the stage.)
Barbarian:Eeewww sick.
Director:All right old guy, since I'm fair I'm gonna give you the shot. *hands the Necromancer a script* You luckey devil, you get to do the love scene. *nudge nudge wink wink*
Necromancer:*looks at Big Mack, who lets a big greasy fart loose* I feel.....less motivated now.
Director:What are you waiting for old dude, get it on!
Necromancer:I quit, the project may endanger my life and my pride to boot.
Director:Spoilsport. Well now we need to have the auditions for the mentor. Since the old dude quit,and Mr. Din and Dru ran off somewhere with Ralph I guess you're the only one to audition Barb.
Barbarian:I wanna be the hero *pouts*
Director:The mentor IS a hero, big guy.
Barbarian:*sniffles* Really?
Necromancer:Yeah, the one that doesn't score and usually ends up getting killed so that the real hero will get off his lazy ass and go do something.
Barbarian:*pout gets bigger* I wanna be the hero.
Director:In MY story the mentor IS a REAL hero!
Barbarian:Okies.
Director:Now we have to go audition the fair maiden.
Necromancer:*under his breath* Thank Trang-oul.
(Big Mack lets out another big nasty fart.)
(At the ladies audition.)
Director:What are you doing here old guy?
Necromancer:I'm here to correct the less sophisticated.
Amazon, Sorceress and Assassin:Are you trying to say we aren't sophisticated!!! :/
Necromancer:I was refering to this dope. *points at the Director*
Director:That's not cool guy! Well any-hoo, this auditions easy. We've provided each of you with a duplicate of the dress the fair maiden wears, part of the audition focuses on how well you fit into it.
Sorceress:Where are the changing rooms?
Director:What changing rooms?
Necromancer:*mutters under his breath* Shameless pervert.
(The Druid, still in werebear form and carrying Ralph, runs by the stage. The Paladin is running close behind, screaming 'Stop in the name of Justice!' Both the Director and the Necromancer stare open eyeed at them and when they turn around the girls have already changed.)
Director:That was fast!
Stage Hands:Aaaawww, we didn't get to see none. *snaps fingers*
Director:You're on first uuhh girl with short black hair-
Necromancer:Assassin.
Assassin:I don't need you to tell him my name. What do I do?
Director:See that rumway *points to a runway that looks like it was stolen from a New York fashion shoot* walk down there, stop when you get to the end, slowly turn around and walk back.
Assassin:What the hell is this?!
Director:An audition.
Assassin:*muttering* Do I really need this cash, I can just steal it. *does so*
Director:*whispering so the girls can't hear him* Hmmmmm....her hair is just too short and lezzy-like. Plus the costume doesn't fit her too well.
Necromancer:Are you talking to yourself?
Director:Brilliant mind at work here-like, do not disturb.
Necromancer:I've seen more brilliant clay golems.
Director:*ignores it* Next! Tall, dark chick-
Necromancer:Sorceress.
Sorceress:*scowls at the Necromancer, and does the runway thing.*
Director:*whispering again* Damn, she's nice, dark and exotic but she's just missing a few inches. *louder this time* Next-
Necromancer:Amazon.
Amazon:I do not need to be introduced by you! *does the run-way thing, but when she goes to turn around the dress rips at the top* Ooops.
Director:*stands up and thunders* She's perfect!
Amazon:Come again?
Necromancer:*muttering* Odd I thought he was...
Director:You're fit for the part 'Zon. ^_^
Amazon:How so?
Director:You fit in the dress!
Assassin and Sorceress:Not exactly.
(Baal warps in)
Baal:Pick her, pick her! *points at the Amazon*
(Baal warps out)
Director:See Ball agrees.
Baal's voice coming out of nowhere:Do not call me BALL!
Director:Woah, that was some freaky shit. All right, someone go catch Dru and Mr. Din and get the three freaky demon guys.
(later)
Director:All the auditions were more or less good. And now I have selected who exactly is going to play who.
Baal:Pick me!
Director:I've already picked though Ball-
Diablo:Do not be foolish, I was the best!
Mephisto:I sssseriousssly doubt that.
Director:All right now guys, calm down, I've already picked the bad guy. And I've chosen Memp.
Diablo and Baal:MeMP!
Mephisto:*too happy to care what name he's called* Excellent!
Director:And for a most remarkable show of cool fighting abilities I've chosen Mr. Din to play the knight in shining armor.
Necromancer:Who didn't see that one coming...
Paladin:I shall uphold the honor of this part.
Druid:NO fair, my part had a rude interruption.
Director:That's life guy! And the mentor will be none other than Barb.
Barbarian:I get to be the hero :)
Director:Yeee-eeah, and by unanimous vote the fair maiden is the 'Zon.
Assassin and Sorceress:We didn't vote for her.
Amazon:Neither did I!
Director:I know, but who cares!
Ralph:I voted for her. *gets creamed by all the girls* Ooowww, damnit I'm gonna have bruises ALL over.
Amazon:Lets just get this done.
Diablo:I agree, let us get it done with.
Director:Gree-eat we can start shooting today!
End of Part 2....
Endnotes:Next comes the good part, the actual filming of the Director's rather corny masterpeice!
Prime Ratings-Part 2
(The fine crew at Dumass {snicker snicker} have taken the liberty to rebuild the studio during the long intermission.)
Baal:Holy casting calls?
Paladin:Yes, do you have a problem with my choice of vocabulary?
Baal:*rolls eyes*
Director:Come on now, we need to-like cast the knight in shining armor!
Paladin:That part was written for me.
Barbarian:I wanna be the hero...
Druid:I want to save the chick! I'll do it with style.
Baal:*snickers immaturely*
Necromancer:Don't be foolish, dark is in nowadays.
Director:Uhh sorry last guy, you look too old to be the knight in shining armor.
Necromancer:*threateningly* Is that a stereotype?
Director:No-way, I need a young, hot guy for my knight.
(An awkward silence settles in, everyone stares at the director. Baal shudders.)
Director:Any-hoo we need to get the audition on!
Mephisto:WAIT!!
Director:What is it Memp?
Mephisto:*sharply* Do not call me by that name!
Director:O-k Memp, what did you need to say?
Mephisto:*rolls eyes* We are not doing evil. We came to do evil and we are not yet doing anything sssshort of following your directionssss!
Director:Nah! Of course you're doing evil.
Mephisto:But all we have been doing for the passst hour is lisssten to you!
Director:It's in the script, guy.
Mephisto:That'sss not evil! Thisss is evil! *sucker punches Ralph*
Ralph:Ouch, that wasn't nice.
Mephisto:Of coursssse, it issss evil! MWUAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Director:After we get this casting done you can do all the evil you want.
Mephisto:*eyes grow big* Really?
Diablo:Anything?
Baal:Without those pesky heroes to stop us?
Assassin:Hey!
Director:Yes you can, AFTER we get finished guys.
Prime Evils:Fine.
Director:Now on to the auditions!
(At the knight auditions.)
Director:You all will be working with Ralph and Jeffy today with this audition.
(Jeffy walks on stage left in a cruddy monster suit and waves.)
Ralph:I'm the maiden again! ^^
(Everyone present, excluding the director shudders.)
Director:Well Mr. Din, you get to go first.
Paladin:MY name is not Mr. Din good sir.
Director:What are your names anyway?
Paladin:Paladin.
Barbarian:Me Barbarian.
Druid:I'm called Druid.
Necromancer:I would tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Director:You little spoilsport.
Paladin:*ever so coincidentally saying something before the Necromancer* Now what shall I do?
Director:Read the script, and do what it says. You've got the part where you slay the de-
Paladin:dIe fOUl BeASt!! *zeals Jeffy to a bloody pulp*
Ralph:*mutters a prayer under his breath*
Director:Oh my...
Necromancer:*amused* Overdone it a little?
(The Prime Evils warp in suddenly. Mephisto is holding a little card that has the number two and a half on it. Diablo is holding a similar sign with the words 'six feet under' on it. Baal also has a sign and it has a big, flaming, red number ten. Before the heroes can react they warp out again.)
Director:Well, well wasn't that interesting? It's your turn now Barb, *hands the Barbarian a script*. You get the dramatic speech part!
Barbarian:I can't read...
Necromancer:Who didn't see that one coming?
Druid:Neither can I, just go with the flow.
Barbarian:*intrigued* Where's the flow?
Druid:Nevermind, make up your own dramatic speech.
Director:Yes, improv my boy!
Barbarian:O-k *takes a de-ep breath* HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
(All the windows in the building break, the door falls down to reveal the girls playing cards at which the Assassin is cheating. Everyone in the room pops their ears before doing anything else.)
Director:Well that was....forceful. Now its your turn Dru *hands him a script* You have to carry the fair maiden off to the castle.
Druid:Aaahhh sick.
Ralph:Be gentle, I bruise easy. ^^
Druid:Ick *gets on the stage and with some difficulty picks up Ralph and throws him over his shoulder* Fear not fair maiden! I shall take you back to the castle....
Barbarian:Hey, I thought you couldn't read?
Druid:I lied to motivate you big guy.
Barbarian:O-k :).
Ralph:What's this?
Druid:*quickly* Don't touch me there!
(Ralph touches anyway, the Druid roars and shapeshifts into a werebear. Ralph screams like a pansy and faints, the Druid runs off carrying the unconsious Ralph.)
Paladin:How dare you! *chases after the Druid*
Director:Well, it was gonna happen anyway. Bring in Big Mack.
(Big Mack, three hundred pounds of lard ass waddles onto the stage.)
Barbarian:Eeewww sick.
Director:All right old guy, since I'm fair I'm gonna give you the shot. *hands the Necromancer a script* You luckey devil, you get to do the love scene. *nudge nudge wink wink*
Necromancer:*looks at Big Mack, who lets a big greasy fart loose* I feel.....less motivated now.
Director:What are you waiting for old dude, get it on!
Necromancer:I quit, the project may endanger my life and my pride to boot.
Director:Spoilsport. Well now we need to have the auditions for the mentor. Since the old dude quit,and Mr. Din and Dru ran off somewhere with Ralph I guess you're the only one to audition Barb.
Barbarian:I wanna be the hero *pouts*
Director:The mentor IS a hero, big guy.
Barbarian:*sniffles* Really?
Necromancer:Yeah, the one that doesn't score and usually ends up getting killed so that the real hero will get off his lazy ass and go do something.
Barbarian:*pout gets bigger* I wanna be the hero.
Director:In MY story the mentor IS a REAL hero!
Barbarian:Okies.
Director:Now we have to go audition the fair maiden.
Necromancer:*under his breath* Thank Trang-oul.
(Big Mack lets out another big nasty fart.)
(At the ladies audition.)
Director:What are you doing here old guy?
Necromancer:I'm here to correct the less sophisticated.
Amazon, Sorceress and Assassin:Are you trying to say we aren't sophisticated!!! :/
Necromancer:I was refering to this dope. *points at the Director*
Director:That's not cool guy! Well any-hoo, this auditions easy. We've provided each of you with a duplicate of the dress the fair maiden wears, part of the audition focuses on how well you fit into it.
Sorceress:Where are the changing rooms?
Director:What changing rooms?
Necromancer:*mutters under his breath* Shameless pervert.
(The Druid, still in werebear form and carrying Ralph, runs by the stage. The Paladin is running close behind, screaming 'Stop in the name of Justice!' Both the Director and the Necromancer stare open eyeed at them and when they turn around the girls have already changed.)
Director:That was fast!
Stage Hands:Aaaawww, we didn't get to see none. *snaps fingers*
Director:You're on first uuhh girl with short black hair-
Necromancer:Assassin.
Assassin:I don't need you to tell him my name. What do I do?
Director:See that rumway *points to a runway that looks like it was stolen from a New York fashion shoot* walk down there, stop when you get to the end, slowly turn around and walk back.
Assassin:What the hell is this?!
Director:An audition.
Assassin:*muttering* Do I really need this cash, I can just steal it. *does so*
Director:*whispering so the girls can't hear him* Hmmmmm....her hair is just too short and lezzy-like. Plus the costume doesn't fit her too well.
Necromancer:Are you talking to yourself?
Director:Brilliant mind at work here-like, do not disturb.
Necromancer:I've seen more brilliant clay golems.
Director:*ignores it* Next! Tall, dark chick-
Necromancer:Sorceress.
Sorceress:*scowls at the Necromancer, and does the runway thing.*
Director:*whispering again* Damn, she's nice, dark and exotic but she's just missing a few inches. *louder this time* Next-
Necromancer:Amazon.
Amazon:I do not need to be introduced by you! *does the run-way thing, but when she goes to turn around the dress rips at the top* Ooops.
Director:*stands up and thunders* She's perfect!
Amazon:Come again?
Necromancer:*muttering* Odd I thought he was...
Director:You're fit for the part 'Zon. ^_^
Amazon:How so?
Director:You fit in the dress!
Assassin and Sorceress:Not exactly.
(Baal warps in)
Baal:Pick her, pick her! *points at the Amazon*
(Baal warps out)
Director:See Ball agrees.
Baal's voice coming out of nowhere:Do not call me BALL!
Director:Woah, that was some freaky shit. All right, someone go catch Dru and Mr. Din and get the three freaky demon guys.
(later)
Director:All the auditions were more or less good. And now I have selected who exactly is going to play who.
Baal:Pick me!
Director:I've already picked though Ball-
Diablo:Do not be foolish, I was the best!
Mephisto:I sssseriousssly doubt that.
Director:All right now guys, calm down, I've already picked the bad guy. And I've chosen Memp.
Diablo and Baal:MeMP!
Mephisto:*too happy to care what name he's called* Excellent!
Director:And for a most remarkable show of cool fighting abilities I've chosen Mr. Din to play the knight in shining armor.
Necromancer:Who didn't see that one coming...
Paladin:I shall uphold the honor of this part.
Druid:NO fair, my part had a rude interruption.
Director:That's life guy! And the mentor will be none other than Barb.
Barbarian:I get to be the hero :)
Director:Yeee-eeah, and by unanimous vote the fair maiden is the 'Zon.
Assassin and Sorceress:We didn't vote for her.
Amazon:Neither did I!
Director:I know, but who cares!
Ralph:I voted for her. *gets creamed by all the girls* Ooowww, damnit I'm gonna have bruises ALL over.
Amazon:Lets just get this done.
Diablo:I agree, let us get it done with.
Director:Gree-eat we can start shooting today!
End of Part 2....
Endnotes:Next comes the good part, the actual filming of the Director's rather corny masterpeice!