Special thanks to my wonderful, fabulous, fantastic, incredible, out of this world, magnificent (does it show that I looked in a thesaurus?) beta. The one and only eQuasarus!
Thanks to all my reviewers, more detailed responses are at the bottom.
All standard disclaimers apply. I'm only going to say this once. It all belongs to J.K Rowling. The only things that belong to me are some minor characters and the plot. I have read a lot of stories and a lot of things tend to stick so you might recognize some things. There is no attempt of copying someone else's work.
Bittersweet.
It's a funny word isn't it? I remember learning it in third grade. Miss Block was teaching us about oxymorons and she taught us that word.
Now, thinking about it, I believe that it applies to my situation perfectly. I'm not exactly sure what made me change. Maybe it was Cedric's death. It could have been the return of Lord Voldemort. Perhaps it was that everyone expected me to be strong and devoted, to be the perfect Gryffindor. Harry Potter, the-boy-who-lived… What a joke.
You know what? I don't really care about what made me change; all I care about is the fact that I did. I know that a year, heck, even a few bloody months ago, I wouldn't have thought that the word bittersweet was the perfect word that described my life. A few months ago, I wouldn't be wondering about Voldemort, about his followers, about their lives. Most of all I know that a few months ago, the line between light and dark wasn't the blurry shadow that it is now.
I've had a lot of time to think this summer. About life, death, about Voldemort. The more I think about them the more I want to cry. I haven't cried, really cried, since I was six. It wasn't a conscious decision not to cry. In truth I don't even know if I can anymore. Mione thinks that I have some deep dark secret behind my tearless eyes. She's always worried, always questioning me. She says it's not normal or healthy to bottle my feelings up inside. I think she grew even more worried when I answered her question.
It was the truth, a simple answer to a simple question.
I've lost count at how many times she's asked, as if she expected a different answer each time. But it's not different, it's always the same 'no, the Dursley's don't abuse me.' They don't, physically. Of course I don't mention that to Mione. Here, sitting alone, I allow myself to see the truth. They don't starve me either, (the may feed me less than their pig of a son but no, they don't starve me.) They never beat me and they weren't at all physically abusive, the just treated me as if I were not there. And that is exactly the problem.
I know that a lot of other kids wish that their guardians paid less attention to them, gave them fewer responsibilities… blah-blah-blah. I'm not one of them.
Envision for a second being treated for your whole life as if you weren't there. Imagine watching your guardians showering their son with love but treating you as if you didn't deserve that love. Then, maybe, just maybe, you might start to have an inkling as to why I have so many scars on my heart. I may have a scar or two on my body (magic is a wonder at healing those), yet I fell that if there were a spell that could show the heart: mine would be barely visible under the many scars that cover it.
When I first got to Hogwarts I thought that it would all change. I dreamed, practically every night, of having friends, of being loved, of being appreciated. Magic can do many things (most considered impossible), and I hoped that it might help me. Oh, I was so naïve! Now, looking back, after four years of pain and suffering at this school, where I thought my life might change, I can only smile bitterly. Don't get me wrong, I love Hogwarts. I've had a lot of good times there and that's why, now, looking back it seems so much worse than living with the Dursleys.
The Dursleys caged me, yes, but they don't hide or disguise the cage. I thought that going to Hogwarts would be my chance to escape from the cage, but instead I just stepped into another one. "Out of the frying pan and into the fire" as muggles say. I stepped out of the Dursleys cage and stepped right into a gilded cage. Yes, a cage, even if it was concealed and shrouded with the splendor of gold and diamonds.
Used to my dark dreary cupboard, my sight was at first blinded by the sheer magnificence of the cage. For the first four years of my life the splendor, the glory, the sheer brilliance of it blinded me to the fact that I was still in a cage, no matter how seductive it was. Every time I tried to stretch my wings, I was ruthlessly shoved back down. This was done by many people, but the person who contributed the most to it was the headmaster of Hogwarts; Albus Dumbledore.
Don't get me wrong, I like that man, I respect him. Heck, for the first four years of my magical education I practically hero-worshipped him. Now that I think about it, I can see how I played right into his hands. I won't say that I'm angry at myself for not seeing it sooner, I was manipulated by a master.
Another thing that I've noticed that all I ever hear about is the evil and darkness of Slytherins. Everyone talks about the dark wizards, their dark magic, and the murderers that the house produces. No one ever talks about the wonderful people that it helps shape. Last year I was looking through the ministry files to find more information on Crouch and I found something very interesting.
Most of the ministry members have a file stating where they went to school, and if they went to Hogwarts what house they were in. Looking through all the dusty archives I found something that seemed very interesting to me. Most of the powerful people (the heads of the departments, the ambassadors and many more) were either Ravenclaws or Slytherins.
The Ravenclaws didn't really surprise me, everyone in Hogwarts knows that most of the Ravenclaws are the smartest people in the school. However, the house that the school sneered at, hated, and ridiculed was the house that produced most of the leaders of the magical world? The thought seemed ridiculous to me at the time, weren't the Slytherins the house that most of Hogwarts was usually righteously angry at?
Now, thinking about it, I come to a conclusion that seems so obvious to me now that I can barely believe that I missed it at the time. Maybe, just maybe, most of the students at Hogwarts aren't moved by an admirable emotion like righteous indignation maybe they're moved by a much darker emotion; jealousy. Some evidence for this is something that I hear everyday at Hogwarts.
Ron always complains about the Malfoy's. According to him the Malfoy's are lazy good for nothings who sneer at anything and everything muggle. That is totally not the case. In my research I found out that Lucius Alexander Malfoy is involved in practically every muggle and magical industry there is. Mining, artistry, carpet weaving, exporting, importing, you name it and you will find the Malfoy name in the contracts.
It all sounds so strange doesn't it? The-Boy-Who-Lived thinking so callously. It's not that, it's that I am no longer an ignorant little boy, I am aware of that those things that go on around me. I am still the same person, Harry Potter. However, the Gryffindor Golden Boy that everyone expects me to be, is not me any longer. Now I see differently, the world is no longer beautiful as it was when I saw through rose colored glasses.
The world, once black and white has turned into a terrifying grey. The line between dark and light becoming increasingly blurred. I'm not evil, I don't think I ever could be. But I do know one thing. I am darker, much darker. I want the world to know that I am aware, no longer the naïve like boy I once was. I'm going back to Hogwarts in a few shorts weeks and only one phrase comes to mind.
Let the games begin.
Hitomi Fanel- My first reviewer! *Sniff*. As you can see I wrote more.
Seeker- Thank you!
Neo-Kitty- I wrote more! I like you like it! Please don't learn from my English.
Anna- I think I did better with the errors this time. Write a sequel! Please!
Lizabee- Thanks!
Oceanic- I totally agree. I did try, im glad it showed. Thanks!
Onyxmoon- Thanks. I love you're story too.Shades- Evil, evil, evil! Two months. Too months where I've been borderline nutso because you didn't update! Please update Opacre quickly! Im dying here!
Jane Sephronia- Thanks! It's a part of a prologue as you guessed. This is the second piece, which I hope you liked as much as the first. After this, im going to the real story. A plot shall emerge! Mawawawa!
Grey eyes- Yes, as you can see I continued. Thanks.
Acid mindlink- Ill try not to forget to characterize the characters! "Grins" Anyway, thanks!
IAMDEAD- Why did you change your name? Please don't tell me that you stopped writing! Anyway, 'ducks head in shame". Im sorry, I thought that it would be out quicker. You're totally right. Harry's starting to realize the curse and he will do something that will make him unrecognizable. To find out what it is you'll have to read more!
Felicity Dream- It will get a bit happier but a sad angsty edge will still tint the story. I do have a plot! Im already writing the next chapter. Hopefully it will come out soon.
Deity- I love dark Harry! I hope that I'm making him seem realistic. Update "The snake of the vampires" quickly!
Sammymc- What cannon facts are of? I really thought I checked it over. Anyway, thanks!
Hunter- Thanks, I will continue.
ElvinGoddess- Thanks! Im trying to portray his feelings as best as I can. I'm going! I'm going!
Maris Slytherin- Thanks! Right now its just Harry's views on things. I want to show how his mindset has changed but yes. I will go to 5th year.
Moon_dragon- He not evil! I love Sev. Well I don't think that he's a sweetie but he is awesome!
Viscountess Babbles-on- Thanks! Its true. Writing dark Harry is a bit hard, but I love him. Im trying to write realistically, I don't want him all evil and Grrr…
Your Silencer- Here's more!
The itch- Yes! Yes! Exactly! All your ideas are wonderful and I am so going to use them. Not now, but in later chapters. Thank you so much! This is the last of Harry's pov. Then it goes on to second and third person.
Intuerimors- Thanks! Here's more.
Potter-Pikachu- Wee! Another angst lover. Update quickly! Anyway, I'm doing it as the second half of the prologue.
Laterose- Thank you. I did.
Terra Evans- Well what's your definition of soon? "Grins" Hmmmm.
Anneliese- THANK YOU! I continued it!
Kiya- Thanks.
Kalariona- I love characterizations too. I continued, yay!
EQuasar- You know how much you're appreciated! You absolutely rule!
Firefox- "shrugs" I know. But its fun anyway. Mawawawawa!
The red dragons order- Thanks so much. I did try to make it kind of sad, but the next one's going to be more decisive and strong.
Ariana Deralte- Thank you.
Cosmic- Thanks. I hope that this one was better since I got a totally wonderful beta.
Moonlight- Thank you. Ahh! A mind reader! That's sorta what im planning to do. Drat, my evil plot was discovered. But wait, that's only a part of the story. Mawawawawa!
Dauphin- Thanks. Giving the fact that I wasn't sure if I was going to continue it or not when I started I guess I sort of did leave It feeling unfinished. Thank you so much! Update! Update!
Sever us- Thank you. I was looking for a new angle.
Kura Okamiko- Yes! Someone likes my writing style! Reading it over I realized how many grammatical errors were made but I was impatient to get it out. Oh well!. I hoped you liked this chapter just as much. Thanks!
Sabrina- I continued it! Not as soon as I'd have liked but I was busy.
BlackUnicorn- Lots of thanks.
Fyre Fairie- Thank you! I understand what you mean. It's so hard to update.
JennaMae- "Looks guilty" Um. How soon is soon? Thanks!
Coppouralaka- I like you like. Thanks.
Sent From Heaven- Well not everyone… But practically everyone! Mawawawa! Me too! I love stories like that. Do you know any really good ones?
CNJ- Not evil, just darker.
Flanna- Thanks a ton!
Spazzy- This one I wrote with separate paragraphs, and I got me a beta! Weee! Thanks!
Shireen Mclean- Gods, how do you do that? You make even your reviews sound so… wow. Thank you! Update 'Roses Black" quickly!
Kenaz Astaroth- I know. But you have to remember that he just saw someone really die. This should make him think a bit more. Thanks!
Gia- Thanks! This is the second and last part of the prologue. Next chapter starts a "gasp" plot.
Minty Fresh Socks- Thanks! I have an Angst queen in me too.
Riley Cat- Thanks! I wrote more.
Someone2 and Krazy Kris- Thanks, I did get a really good beta.
Werecat- Glad you liked it.
Liliy- Group? Huh? Well anyway, thanks!
Com- "Preens" Im being compared to J.K.R! Why thank you kind person! Thanks!
Toya Koya- I see that! Mawawawawa! Anyway I hope you liked this chapter. Please Update!
Airerediel- Thanks
Desdemona- I am. Thank you so much!
Polaris- Im trying to. Thanks!
Dreamer4- Thanks so much! I continued it.
Anime-neko- I hope that it continues being good. Thanks!
Terra- Wow, that was long! I think that it was the longest review that I got. Thanks so much for the advice. I got a wonderful beta, so I hope that this one was better. Thanks so much. This is the 2nd of the last part of the 1st person prologue. Then Im going to a third and second person pov. Your awesome!
Runespoor- You're so right! Im going to use that later in the fic. You're right in everything. Thanks!
Fatalonie- The grinning god- "raises eyebrow" Cute? Okayyyy. I think someone had too much sugar. That's a new one. "grins" Anyway, thanks! Update white roses quickly! I love that story!
Elwood Penscottie- Thanks!
If I missed anyone or misspelled anyone's name I'm very sorry. Thanks to everyone!