((A/N: *giggles like a maniac* I have reviewers!!  *huggles*))

Chapter Six- My name is Bob, and I'm incredibly wealthy

After changing into swim trunks and fisherman hats, Legolas and Mini-Me bounced happily to the main deck.  The dwarf adored his new strait, blond, shiny, and tangle-free hair, so he kept tossing it behind his shoulder dramatically.  The only difference between the two was height…and Gimli's horribly hairy chest.  Once stepping outside, their eyes adjusted to the brightness of the sun and they saw the hundreds of elves milling about on the wooden deck.  Surprisingly, they found two open deck chairs right near the stage.  The calypso band was setting up as they rubbed suntan lotion all over themselves ((A/N: Hey Leggy!  I'll do your back!!! *drools*  Shirtless and covered in oily lotion…yummy….maybe I should make him wear a Speedo next time… "Hey Leggy, I'll do your inner thighs…" ^_-)), and just as they lay back to start on their tans, the band started playing.  The two shot back up from their sitting position and stared wide-eyed at the men in brightly colored shirts playing queer instruments and a melody they'd never heard before.  What was this interesting type of music?

"Lets get together and feeeeeel alllriiight…"

After getting over the shock, they lay back down on the towels that had magically appeared on their chairs, and fell asleep.  They awoke a few hours later with the last notes of the last calypso song.  A perky blond in a blue shirt and khaki shorts bounced onto the stage and replaced them.

"Hi!" She squealed. "I'm Kiki, your assistant cruise director, and it is now time for…" she paused before yelling into her microphone, "THE HAIRY CHEST CONTEST!!!" The women in the crowd cheered and cheered.  "Now, I'm looking for four men with hairy, and I mean hairy, chests!  You sir," she pointed at a human.  "How about you?" The people with him hooted and hollered as he jogged to the mini stage.  "And you!" She pointed at another shirtless human. "And you!  And…Oh my!  You!" She swung around and pointed at Mini-Me.

He jumped up and squealed along with Leggy. "Oooh!  Me?"

"Yes, you!" Kiki waved him up to the stage and lined up the three men and the dwarf.  "Now, we'll need a judge!  You, ma'am!" The overly bubbly assistant cruise director pulled a freakishly pale elf woman onto the stage who gave the line of men a sultry look.  "Now here's how we play," turning to the contestants, Kiki continued. "First you must dance your way across the stage to our lovely judge.  Then, you must give her your best pickup line.  Finally, she'll run her hands through your chest hair and give you a hairy-rating from 1-10." She turned back to the crowd. "All ready?!"  The crowed screamed and cheered more (with Legolas being the loudest). 

The first human, for lack of a better term, 'shook his groove thing' all the way across the stage before doing a Britney Spears-like bust-shimmy in front of the bored judge. "You're ears are pointy and upright…just like something on my body…" The elf turned up her nose at him and the crowd booed. 

When she felt up his chest, she said dully into the microphone, "I give him a three." The crowd booed more.

The next human did a one-man conga line to the she-elf before kneeling down and saying in a pitiful voice, "I'm going to die someday…" and sticking out his bottom lip.  There was a collective "Awwww…" from the elves in the crowd accompanied by some sniffles and a "That's so sad" or two.  The judge gave him a seven on the hairy-scale.

The last human before Gimli's turn moonwalked across the stage before dipping the judge and saying in a husky voice, "My name is Bob, and I'm incredibly wealthy." 

The crowd went wild. 

"Pick him!" "Give 'em a ten", and "Whoooooooo!" was heard from all directions.  The elf woman felt his chest hair and twisted her mouth.  "I'll give him a nine…"  More cheers.

Gimli got nervous.  That would be a tough act to beat, but he felt that he could do better if he nailed the delivery.  So when Kiki motioned to him to start dancing, Gimli waltzed elegantly across the stage.  Upon reaching the judge, he motioned to her to come down to his level with the microphone and he said in his baritone voice, "Being waist height has its advantages…" Both the elf's and every other mouth in the audience dropped as they realized the meaning behind this.  After 10 seconds of total silence, they broke out into screams and shouts that could be heard four decks down.  Gimli smiled smugly and purred as the elf's long fingers felt his fur.

"I GIVE HIM A TEN!" The she-elf yelled into the microphone as the crowd continued to cheer.

When the noise finally died down, Kiki bounced up to the front of the stage next to Gimli.  She wrapped a white sash that said 'Mr. Hairy Chest' around Gimli (and tied the end that was dragging on the ground into a knot to make it shorter), and handed him a little gold-colored plastic trophy.  "Now ladies, if you see Mr. Hairy Chest anytime on this cruise ship and you ask to see his chest, he must take off his shirt and let you feel him up!"  The women of the crowed cheered even louder.  Gimli smiled proudly and waved to his loyal subjects.  As he left the stage, before he could get to Legolas he was bombarded by both human and elf women who ripped his shirt off and ran their hands through his chest hair as they dragged him away.

'Oh well,' Gimli thought. 'Leggy can find me later.  For now, duty calls!  Yippee!'