3. Your Knight in Shining Armor
Author's notes: It's been months since I last updated this series. Apologies, all - work, family, and life in general have been interfering. This is the first of three new chapters, presenting vignettes between Willow and Xander, Tara, and Anya, in that order.
I've also written a new story in an entirely different world, featuring a very different take on the new relationship between Willow and Kennedy. "Special K" should be appearing shortly.
* * *
4:30 a.m. Willow Rosenberg was having a nightmare.
It was a perfect recollection of what had happened a few days after her "good" and "evil" sides had been pounded back together. A few days after she had supposedly been healed for good.
She was walking in a park with Giles. Every step was still torture, but at least she was walking, and she was one person. And it was a beautiful day.
A flash of color caught her eye, and she saw a patch of flowers. She smiled. She thought of how much Tara would have liked being there, being with her.
Of course, Tara wasn't there. Tara would never be there again. A tear ran down Willow Rosenberg's cheek.
[But maybe someday...] she thought, [maybe someday we'll be reunited...]
An icy laugh ripped through her mind. [With all of your crimes, Willow? That's the last place you'll ever go. You are never going to see her again.]
[No...]
[Besides, if she's even bothering to look down on you, it's only in disgust. She hates you.]
[No...]
[You killed in her name...] The icy laugh turned into a roar.
[No!]
Willow collapsed to the ground, as a rivulet of black oil flowed out of her mouth. She felt something inside her break, and felt herself losing consciousness. With her last bit of energy, she screamed...
* * *
She woke up. Xander was holding her.
It was so much better than the last time, when she slowly regained consciousness amidst a sea of scared and worried faces. Giles had softly told her that the dark magic had built up again and poisoned her mind. That it had taken emergency psychic surgery to drain the dark energy, and that they did the best they could to fix the damage to her psyche. That they had almost lost her, and if they had lost her they might have lost all of London in the ensuing explosion. That he was "so sorry, Willow, but drastic measures would have to be taken." That very afternoon, even though she could barely sit up, Willow sliced her body open for the first time, watching the black oil drain out of where blood should have been.
So very much better to wake up with Xander.
* * *
7:30 a.m. Breakfast.
Xander Harris was engrossed in his corn flakes when he heard a cell phone ring. Willow removed the ringing cell phone from her purse, and answered it.
"Hello? Oh, hi, Giles.... Yeah, I'm good... Xander's good, too, got in late last night..." Pause. "I drained 10 cc's of black goo... you got me Giles, I'm not that good... yes, Giles, I can see the trend, too..." Pause. "If the Council's feeling threatened by the dark energy I'm starting to generate, perhaps they could get off their collective asses and find out what's happening to me..." Pause. "Yeah, I know. Got their best people on it, never know when they might make a breakthrough..." Pause. "Thanks, Giles. Let me know if he knows anything..." Pause. "Talk to you later, then. Love you. Bye." She hung up the phone.
Xander paused, then spoke. "How is the investigation going, Willow?"
Willow was silent for a second.
"They haven't found anything. They have no idea who's trying to destroy us. They can't use who I am as a clue, because they have no idea who I am. Why, Xander, they don't know anything at all. At least that's what they claim."
"Willow, they must know something."
"Yeah. That's what I think."
"Has Giles found anything?"
"No. He keeps trying, but to date he's just been banging his head against a wall. It's amazing how many high-brow people can solemnly tell you they have no clue."
"What about the books?"
"You mean the books I ruined?"
Xander frowned. "Well, aren't there other copies?"
"Yeah. And besides, I still have the complete collection in my head. Need to take care of that soon. But no, Xan. Once you're talking about demons above a certain, um, level, they don't show up in the standard books. They show up in the 'special' texts, but the Council somehow doesn't seem to have access to them."
"That can't be right. They had information about Glory. I don't think she showed up in the standard books, either."
"Bingo."
"Wow. Can Giles do anything? Can he, you know, 'find' a copy of those books somewhere?"
"No. Because the texts that don't exist are locked in a deep underground chamber, protected by armed guards and multiple layers of magical spells."
"So you think they do know."
"I don't know. I can't tell whether they know everything, something, or nothing, and want to ensure that they know nothing. The high-ranking council members who've even started digging have been terrified."
"Council members terrified? They've hardly done much in real fights, but that doesn't sound like them."
Willow paused to sip her tea. "A few weeks ago, I met an elderly lady who is one of the Council's chief librarians. She was really sweet, and promised me that 'we'd get to the bottom of this, dearie. You'll see.' She then went down to the library basement, presumably to study the scrolls that don't exist. She said she'd back in a few minutes. Two hours later, it was clear something was wrong. I never saw her again."
"The Council didn't..." said Xander.
"No. Didn't need to. Later that evening, Giles came in, looking really glum. I asked him what the problem was. He said he'd heard that the librarian had been hospitalized for 'stress,' after repeatedly screaming that she would kill herself before she risked her soul in that 'Noble House crap.' After that, the Council and coven members looked even more scared of me than they had been before."
"Wow... Willow, I'm so sorry... but does 'Noble House' mean anything?"
Willow paused and looked down. "Noble House. When used as an adjective, refers to some of the most powerful demon clans. Lots of dark power amongst them. Lots of fighting between them. Lots of ways for those in the fights to end up burning their soul, suffering unending fiery torment, or getting their dimension destroyed. Totally."
A silence fell over the room. Willow drank her tea and looked out the window. Xander played with his remaining cereal. Finally, Xander broke the silence.
"Willow, have you done any work on the investigation? Maybe you could use your magic to get access to the unreal scrolls."
"What, violate a Council rule? No, that would be very bad. I'd get in a heap of trouble with my betters," said Willow sarcastically.
"Willow, but..."
"There's a more important reason. Every time I've even thought about the investigation seriously, I started thinking about Tara, and how precious she was, and how much I love her, and how they killed her, how they took her away from me, and what I want to do to them..." Her eyes briefly flashed black.
Willow took a deep breath. "So you see, I haven't been taking an active role, Xander."
* * *
12:30 pm. Lunch time.
"You didn't eat much," said Xander.
"I'm usually not that hungry. My body's been tapping into all kinds of dark energy sources for months, now. Except for a few vital nutrients, they give me more than enough to keep me going. Plus create all that black slime I have to drain every night. You can see that I haven't lost any weight."
Xander nodded. "Sounds like the magical breakfast of champions. At least you don't have to worry about getting hungry."
"Actually, I kind of miss it," said Willow. "It was nice craving peanut butter ice cream. Just something else to remind me of how different I am now."
Xander scowled. "Come on, Willow. Peanut butter ice cream Willow or magic- powered Willow. You're still the same. You know that, right?"
Willow shook her head. "No. I look the same, Xander. I have all the same memories, all the same knowledge, all the same loves that I did before. But I'm not the same."
"Will, you're just feeling sorry for yourself. Okay, not quite the same, given all you've been through. But people change all the time. That doesn't mean your somehow somebody else."
"Really? Let me give you an analogy. You know the one about the glass teacup, right? It breaks and shatters into two big pieces, plus shards. You carefully glue it back together. It looks like the same teacup, but it's never really the same again. The seams will always be there."
Xander sighed. "Willow, I know this has been hard for you. I know you have scars from all this, but..."
"...But, that was just a starter. It wasn't the real analogy. The real analogy is that you take the teacup pieces and throw them into a blast furnace. Melt them down to liquid sand, then create a new teacup. No seams, and the same atoms, but is it really the same teacup? That's what happened to me, Xander."
Xander looked at her. He walked to over to the table, and touched her face. Willow reflexively placed her hand over his.
"You see? It's the same teacup, Willow. Maybe just made better."
* * *
3:30 p.m. Time for flipping between old reruns and the end of the "Barry Williams Show." Today's topic: "My secret sex diaries were stolen, and they're being made into an X-rated movie, starring me!"
"Some things should just remain a secret," said Willow.
"We're sitting here watching it, aren't we?" asked Xander.
"Yeah," said Willow. "I feel an urge to grab a malt liquor and scratch myself."
Xander doubled over with laughter. Willow smiled.
Briefly looking back to the television, Willow seemed to think of something.
"Can you turn it off, Xander?"
"Sure, Will. What's on your mind?" The television clicked off.
"Why didn't you use the chain I sent? Why haven't you read my diaries?"
Xander looked at her. "That's a peachy change of topic, Will. One minute we're talking about downing some cold brewskies and the next we're talking about total destruction."
Willow looked back at him. "Please answer the question. I'd really like to know."
"I didn't use the chain because I had a ring-side seat for most of it," snapped Xander. "Sorry, Will. But there are certain things I don't want to relive. Besides, Dawn has given me the blow-by-blow recap so often it's practically gone into syndication. And your diaries - those are private to you. I wouldn't want to read them."
"They aren't private to me any more," said Willow. "They describe parts of who I was, who I am. A big part of the reason I got into so much trouble was that I hid them for too long. I can't hide anymore, Xander. I don't want to."
"I still don't think I should be reading your diaries, Willow."
Willow sighed.
"Fine. If you insist. Or better yet, why don't you just tell me the Cliff's Notes version rather than my having to read your secret diaries myself."
Willow took a deep breath, and came close to Xander. "If you want. I've done this so often in the past two months, it's almost become routine." She took another deep breath. "I, Willow Rosenberg, spent the past years secretly hating myself. I desperately wanted to be someone else. I wanted to be powerful. I wanted to get bloody revenge on everyone who had ever hurt me, so much so it scared me. It made me hate myself even more. And then I started realizing the dark powers inside me, and..."
Xander pulled away.
"Xander, what are you doing? Don't you want to hear?"
"Changed my mind."
"Xander... it's important."
Xander gasped. "Will... I can't do this. Not yet."
"Why not?"
"Because."
"Because, why?" Willow looked down. "Tell my why, Xander. Please."
Xander turned away.
"Is it because you're afraid of me, Xander?"
"No! God, no. It's..."
"What?"
"I was supposed to protect you and I didn't."
"Oh," said Willow. She paused. "It wasn't your responsibility, you know."
"It wasn't?"
"No. It wasn't."
The two friends were silent for a few moments.
"Anything in particular about me in your diaries that I should know?" asked Xander.
"Some schoolgirl crush stuff, but not much... oh. You remember that love spell you cast on Cordelia our senior year, that made everyone but Cordelia become obsessed with you? I felt really guilty after I tried to chop you to death with an ax after you wouldn't sleep with me."
Xander laughed. "Yeah, well."
He turned serious. "I guess we should have noticed that it was chopping and not just chasing, huh?"
"Yeah."
Pause. "Willow, um... something I've really wanted to know?"
"What? Ask anything."
"Did... I really save the world?"
Willow carefully looked at him. "What do you want to hear, Xander? Do you want to think that you, Xander Harris, are a world-saving hero like Buffy? Or do you want to think that the world couldn't really have depended on a single person at the last minute?"
Xander paused. "Just be honest with me, Willow."
"The truth, Xander, is that I don't know. I was draining life energy pretty slowly when you showed up - when I collapsed, I'd only burned about an acre. But, the rate was increasing exponentially. Even so, my guess is that the Council, the coven, or whomever else would have had a few days to find me, get through my defenses, and put a bullet through my head before it was really too late. Of course, those were all pretty big 'ifs.'"
"So... what you're saying is that you don't know, and that, really, no one can ever know," said Xander.
Willow nodded.
Xander seemed oddly satisfied. He smiled.
"More Barry Williams?"
Willow nodded. She smiled.
* * *
6:00 pm. Dinner time.
"How is the patrolling going? Face anything really bad lately?" asked Willow, between mouthfuls of pizza.
"You know, same old patrol. Not much has happened since you've been gone. Dust the vamps, chop up the scalies. More the latter lately, but hey it's not like I mind. Only good demon is one that's dead, as we'd say in the Army."
Willow's eyes flashed. "I'm not going to tolerate that, Xander."
Xander looked surprised, and somewhat taken aback. "Oh come on, Willow. You know the deal as well I do. If it doesn't breathe or has scales, it's almost always bad."
"Really, Xander?" With that, Willow waved her hands, and a line of emerald scales appeared up and down her arms.
Xander looked away. "That's a clever spell, Willow. I'm not sure about your trying to show solidarity with those things, but okay, you've made your point. I said almost, didn't I? You can reverse that spell now."
Willow giggled coldly.
"Come on, Will. You're making me uncomfortable. Reverse the spell."
Willow said nothing.
"Okay, I'm sorry. Clem is cool. I assume there are others like him, somewhere... Fine. Okay, even Angel has some good points... Fine, even New- Soul Spike. Come, on Will! Reverse it. Please!"
"I can't reverse the spell, since there is no spell to reverse."
"What?"
"This is my real appearance, Xander. The spell was to hide the scales."
"No... it can't be. It was just the end of that nightmare in your mind... can't be real..."
"I really hate having to hide them, but most people just won't understand. They'd think it was some freaky body art thing. A real shame. Dawn thinks they're pretty. Don't you?"
Xander looked shocked.
"You don't seem to have an opinion, Xander. We'll fix that." Willow held out her arm. "Touch them."
Xander did nothing.
"Touch them. Now."
Xander tentatively reached out his hand. Willow grabbed his hand, forced it to the back of her arm, and began rubbing his hand across her scales.
Xander gasped. "They're not..."
"Sharp? Slimy? Poisoned? Any of the above?"
Xander nodded.
"They're also not just glued on, are they, Xander?"
Xander nodded.
"So you see, Xander, you have a choice. You can keep your bigotry, or you can keep me."
Xander gasped. "But... this makes no sense. We've seen hundreds of demons... and they were almost all bad... except Clem, and I always thought he was really a human who got enchanted... like Anya..."
"That's like a security guard saying that all people are bad because the only people he sees are burglars. The 'good' demons aren't trying to kill us or destroy the world, which means the last place they want to be is Sunnyhell."
"How many... of them... actually good? One percent, maybe?"
Willow's eyes flashed. "Well, now. Looks like something good came out of my absorbing all those books after all. Especially the histories and travelogues. There are thousands of so-called demonic dimensions. Most of them have thousands to millions of whom you would consider to be evil nasty demons by definition. No one knows the total population, but it dwarfs the number of humans. And how many demons have we really seen in Sunnyhell? A few hundred? Yeah, okay, there are really nasty dimensions and really nasty demons outside of Sunnyhell, but damn it, Xander, watch the evening news sometime. Do the math."
"Well - okay - but..."
"Come on, Xander!" snapped Willow. "A few hours ago, you made a huge deal of trying to convince me that I'm the same girl I was before. Do you really believe that, Xander? Now that I'm showing you my true appearance? Do you?"
"But... but..."
"Damn it, Xander! Jessie died years ago, okay? I miss him, too, but come on. And he was killed by vamps. Vamps are like pre-programmed killing machines. He wasn't even killed by demons."
Xander looked down. "How did you know..."
"I'm sorry, Xander. But you were thinking it so loudly I couldn't help but hear it. I try to shut it out, but it doesn't always work."
Xander looked away. "Okay."
"And yes, Xander, I do have a soul. It's been split into pieces, completely melted down, and remade from the ground up, but I do have one. Most demons do."
Xander slowly sat down at the table. "Is the double heart thing real, too?"
Willow looked at him. "Not yet. Not fully. But it is happening. Growths are appearing on my heart, and new veins and arteries are appearing, too."
Xander stared off into space for a few seconds. Then he seemed to make a decision. His face brightened.
"Well, even with scales you're still the same Willow. I mean it. I want you to know that. Now, how about some ice cream?" He quickly got up from the table and strode over to the freezer.
Willow softly sighed. [That went better than expected, but not as well as I'd hoped. At least he's made progress. And that will have to do - for today, anyway.] And with that, she turned her attention to several peanut butter scoops.
* * *
4:30 a.m., again. Willow Rosenberg was having a nightmare.
Willow collapsed to the ground, as a rivulet of black oil flowed out of her mouth. She felt something inside her break, and felt herself losing consciousness. With her last bit of energy, she screamed...
She woke up. Xander was holding her.
"You always were my knight in shining armor," she whispered.
* * *
Next: "Under Your Spell"
Author's notes: It's been months since I last updated this series. Apologies, all - work, family, and life in general have been interfering. This is the first of three new chapters, presenting vignettes between Willow and Xander, Tara, and Anya, in that order.
I've also written a new story in an entirely different world, featuring a very different take on the new relationship between Willow and Kennedy. "Special K" should be appearing shortly.
* * *
4:30 a.m. Willow Rosenberg was having a nightmare.
It was a perfect recollection of what had happened a few days after her "good" and "evil" sides had been pounded back together. A few days after she had supposedly been healed for good.
She was walking in a park with Giles. Every step was still torture, but at least she was walking, and she was one person. And it was a beautiful day.
A flash of color caught her eye, and she saw a patch of flowers. She smiled. She thought of how much Tara would have liked being there, being with her.
Of course, Tara wasn't there. Tara would never be there again. A tear ran down Willow Rosenberg's cheek.
[But maybe someday...] she thought, [maybe someday we'll be reunited...]
An icy laugh ripped through her mind. [With all of your crimes, Willow? That's the last place you'll ever go. You are never going to see her again.]
[No...]
[Besides, if she's even bothering to look down on you, it's only in disgust. She hates you.]
[No...]
[You killed in her name...] The icy laugh turned into a roar.
[No!]
Willow collapsed to the ground, as a rivulet of black oil flowed out of her mouth. She felt something inside her break, and felt herself losing consciousness. With her last bit of energy, she screamed...
* * *
She woke up. Xander was holding her.
It was so much better than the last time, when she slowly regained consciousness amidst a sea of scared and worried faces. Giles had softly told her that the dark magic had built up again and poisoned her mind. That it had taken emergency psychic surgery to drain the dark energy, and that they did the best they could to fix the damage to her psyche. That they had almost lost her, and if they had lost her they might have lost all of London in the ensuing explosion. That he was "so sorry, Willow, but drastic measures would have to be taken." That very afternoon, even though she could barely sit up, Willow sliced her body open for the first time, watching the black oil drain out of where blood should have been.
So very much better to wake up with Xander.
* * *
7:30 a.m. Breakfast.
Xander Harris was engrossed in his corn flakes when he heard a cell phone ring. Willow removed the ringing cell phone from her purse, and answered it.
"Hello? Oh, hi, Giles.... Yeah, I'm good... Xander's good, too, got in late last night..." Pause. "I drained 10 cc's of black goo... you got me Giles, I'm not that good... yes, Giles, I can see the trend, too..." Pause. "If the Council's feeling threatened by the dark energy I'm starting to generate, perhaps they could get off their collective asses and find out what's happening to me..." Pause. "Yeah, I know. Got their best people on it, never know when they might make a breakthrough..." Pause. "Thanks, Giles. Let me know if he knows anything..." Pause. "Talk to you later, then. Love you. Bye." She hung up the phone.
Xander paused, then spoke. "How is the investigation going, Willow?"
Willow was silent for a second.
"They haven't found anything. They have no idea who's trying to destroy us. They can't use who I am as a clue, because they have no idea who I am. Why, Xander, they don't know anything at all. At least that's what they claim."
"Willow, they must know something."
"Yeah. That's what I think."
"Has Giles found anything?"
"No. He keeps trying, but to date he's just been banging his head against a wall. It's amazing how many high-brow people can solemnly tell you they have no clue."
"What about the books?"
"You mean the books I ruined?"
Xander frowned. "Well, aren't there other copies?"
"Yeah. And besides, I still have the complete collection in my head. Need to take care of that soon. But no, Xan. Once you're talking about demons above a certain, um, level, they don't show up in the standard books. They show up in the 'special' texts, but the Council somehow doesn't seem to have access to them."
"That can't be right. They had information about Glory. I don't think she showed up in the standard books, either."
"Bingo."
"Wow. Can Giles do anything? Can he, you know, 'find' a copy of those books somewhere?"
"No. Because the texts that don't exist are locked in a deep underground chamber, protected by armed guards and multiple layers of magical spells."
"So you think they do know."
"I don't know. I can't tell whether they know everything, something, or nothing, and want to ensure that they know nothing. The high-ranking council members who've even started digging have been terrified."
"Council members terrified? They've hardly done much in real fights, but that doesn't sound like them."
Willow paused to sip her tea. "A few weeks ago, I met an elderly lady who is one of the Council's chief librarians. She was really sweet, and promised me that 'we'd get to the bottom of this, dearie. You'll see.' She then went down to the library basement, presumably to study the scrolls that don't exist. She said she'd back in a few minutes. Two hours later, it was clear something was wrong. I never saw her again."
"The Council didn't..." said Xander.
"No. Didn't need to. Later that evening, Giles came in, looking really glum. I asked him what the problem was. He said he'd heard that the librarian had been hospitalized for 'stress,' after repeatedly screaming that she would kill herself before she risked her soul in that 'Noble House crap.' After that, the Council and coven members looked even more scared of me than they had been before."
"Wow... Willow, I'm so sorry... but does 'Noble House' mean anything?"
Willow paused and looked down. "Noble House. When used as an adjective, refers to some of the most powerful demon clans. Lots of dark power amongst them. Lots of fighting between them. Lots of ways for those in the fights to end up burning their soul, suffering unending fiery torment, or getting their dimension destroyed. Totally."
A silence fell over the room. Willow drank her tea and looked out the window. Xander played with his remaining cereal. Finally, Xander broke the silence.
"Willow, have you done any work on the investigation? Maybe you could use your magic to get access to the unreal scrolls."
"What, violate a Council rule? No, that would be very bad. I'd get in a heap of trouble with my betters," said Willow sarcastically.
"Willow, but..."
"There's a more important reason. Every time I've even thought about the investigation seriously, I started thinking about Tara, and how precious she was, and how much I love her, and how they killed her, how they took her away from me, and what I want to do to them..." Her eyes briefly flashed black.
Willow took a deep breath. "So you see, I haven't been taking an active role, Xander."
* * *
12:30 pm. Lunch time.
"You didn't eat much," said Xander.
"I'm usually not that hungry. My body's been tapping into all kinds of dark energy sources for months, now. Except for a few vital nutrients, they give me more than enough to keep me going. Plus create all that black slime I have to drain every night. You can see that I haven't lost any weight."
Xander nodded. "Sounds like the magical breakfast of champions. At least you don't have to worry about getting hungry."
"Actually, I kind of miss it," said Willow. "It was nice craving peanut butter ice cream. Just something else to remind me of how different I am now."
Xander scowled. "Come on, Willow. Peanut butter ice cream Willow or magic- powered Willow. You're still the same. You know that, right?"
Willow shook her head. "No. I look the same, Xander. I have all the same memories, all the same knowledge, all the same loves that I did before. But I'm not the same."
"Will, you're just feeling sorry for yourself. Okay, not quite the same, given all you've been through. But people change all the time. That doesn't mean your somehow somebody else."
"Really? Let me give you an analogy. You know the one about the glass teacup, right? It breaks and shatters into two big pieces, plus shards. You carefully glue it back together. It looks like the same teacup, but it's never really the same again. The seams will always be there."
Xander sighed. "Willow, I know this has been hard for you. I know you have scars from all this, but..."
"...But, that was just a starter. It wasn't the real analogy. The real analogy is that you take the teacup pieces and throw them into a blast furnace. Melt them down to liquid sand, then create a new teacup. No seams, and the same atoms, but is it really the same teacup? That's what happened to me, Xander."
Xander looked at her. He walked to over to the table, and touched her face. Willow reflexively placed her hand over his.
"You see? It's the same teacup, Willow. Maybe just made better."
* * *
3:30 p.m. Time for flipping between old reruns and the end of the "Barry Williams Show." Today's topic: "My secret sex diaries were stolen, and they're being made into an X-rated movie, starring me!"
"Some things should just remain a secret," said Willow.
"We're sitting here watching it, aren't we?" asked Xander.
"Yeah," said Willow. "I feel an urge to grab a malt liquor and scratch myself."
Xander doubled over with laughter. Willow smiled.
Briefly looking back to the television, Willow seemed to think of something.
"Can you turn it off, Xander?"
"Sure, Will. What's on your mind?" The television clicked off.
"Why didn't you use the chain I sent? Why haven't you read my diaries?"
Xander looked at her. "That's a peachy change of topic, Will. One minute we're talking about downing some cold brewskies and the next we're talking about total destruction."
Willow looked back at him. "Please answer the question. I'd really like to know."
"I didn't use the chain because I had a ring-side seat for most of it," snapped Xander. "Sorry, Will. But there are certain things I don't want to relive. Besides, Dawn has given me the blow-by-blow recap so often it's practically gone into syndication. And your diaries - those are private to you. I wouldn't want to read them."
"They aren't private to me any more," said Willow. "They describe parts of who I was, who I am. A big part of the reason I got into so much trouble was that I hid them for too long. I can't hide anymore, Xander. I don't want to."
"I still don't think I should be reading your diaries, Willow."
Willow sighed.
"Fine. If you insist. Or better yet, why don't you just tell me the Cliff's Notes version rather than my having to read your secret diaries myself."
Willow took a deep breath, and came close to Xander. "If you want. I've done this so often in the past two months, it's almost become routine." She took another deep breath. "I, Willow Rosenberg, spent the past years secretly hating myself. I desperately wanted to be someone else. I wanted to be powerful. I wanted to get bloody revenge on everyone who had ever hurt me, so much so it scared me. It made me hate myself even more. And then I started realizing the dark powers inside me, and..."
Xander pulled away.
"Xander, what are you doing? Don't you want to hear?"
"Changed my mind."
"Xander... it's important."
Xander gasped. "Will... I can't do this. Not yet."
"Why not?"
"Because."
"Because, why?" Willow looked down. "Tell my why, Xander. Please."
Xander turned away.
"Is it because you're afraid of me, Xander?"
"No! God, no. It's..."
"What?"
"I was supposed to protect you and I didn't."
"Oh," said Willow. She paused. "It wasn't your responsibility, you know."
"It wasn't?"
"No. It wasn't."
The two friends were silent for a few moments.
"Anything in particular about me in your diaries that I should know?" asked Xander.
"Some schoolgirl crush stuff, but not much... oh. You remember that love spell you cast on Cordelia our senior year, that made everyone but Cordelia become obsessed with you? I felt really guilty after I tried to chop you to death with an ax after you wouldn't sleep with me."
Xander laughed. "Yeah, well."
He turned serious. "I guess we should have noticed that it was chopping and not just chasing, huh?"
"Yeah."
Pause. "Willow, um... something I've really wanted to know?"
"What? Ask anything."
"Did... I really save the world?"
Willow carefully looked at him. "What do you want to hear, Xander? Do you want to think that you, Xander Harris, are a world-saving hero like Buffy? Or do you want to think that the world couldn't really have depended on a single person at the last minute?"
Xander paused. "Just be honest with me, Willow."
"The truth, Xander, is that I don't know. I was draining life energy pretty slowly when you showed up - when I collapsed, I'd only burned about an acre. But, the rate was increasing exponentially. Even so, my guess is that the Council, the coven, or whomever else would have had a few days to find me, get through my defenses, and put a bullet through my head before it was really too late. Of course, those were all pretty big 'ifs.'"
"So... what you're saying is that you don't know, and that, really, no one can ever know," said Xander.
Willow nodded.
Xander seemed oddly satisfied. He smiled.
"More Barry Williams?"
Willow nodded. She smiled.
* * *
6:00 pm. Dinner time.
"How is the patrolling going? Face anything really bad lately?" asked Willow, between mouthfuls of pizza.
"You know, same old patrol. Not much has happened since you've been gone. Dust the vamps, chop up the scalies. More the latter lately, but hey it's not like I mind. Only good demon is one that's dead, as we'd say in the Army."
Willow's eyes flashed. "I'm not going to tolerate that, Xander."
Xander looked surprised, and somewhat taken aback. "Oh come on, Willow. You know the deal as well I do. If it doesn't breathe or has scales, it's almost always bad."
"Really, Xander?" With that, Willow waved her hands, and a line of emerald scales appeared up and down her arms.
Xander looked away. "That's a clever spell, Willow. I'm not sure about your trying to show solidarity with those things, but okay, you've made your point. I said almost, didn't I? You can reverse that spell now."
Willow giggled coldly.
"Come on, Will. You're making me uncomfortable. Reverse the spell."
Willow said nothing.
"Okay, I'm sorry. Clem is cool. I assume there are others like him, somewhere... Fine. Okay, even Angel has some good points... Fine, even New- Soul Spike. Come, on Will! Reverse it. Please!"
"I can't reverse the spell, since there is no spell to reverse."
"What?"
"This is my real appearance, Xander. The spell was to hide the scales."
"No... it can't be. It was just the end of that nightmare in your mind... can't be real..."
"I really hate having to hide them, but most people just won't understand. They'd think it was some freaky body art thing. A real shame. Dawn thinks they're pretty. Don't you?"
Xander looked shocked.
"You don't seem to have an opinion, Xander. We'll fix that." Willow held out her arm. "Touch them."
Xander did nothing.
"Touch them. Now."
Xander tentatively reached out his hand. Willow grabbed his hand, forced it to the back of her arm, and began rubbing his hand across her scales.
Xander gasped. "They're not..."
"Sharp? Slimy? Poisoned? Any of the above?"
Xander nodded.
"They're also not just glued on, are they, Xander?"
Xander nodded.
"So you see, Xander, you have a choice. You can keep your bigotry, or you can keep me."
Xander gasped. "But... this makes no sense. We've seen hundreds of demons... and they were almost all bad... except Clem, and I always thought he was really a human who got enchanted... like Anya..."
"That's like a security guard saying that all people are bad because the only people he sees are burglars. The 'good' demons aren't trying to kill us or destroy the world, which means the last place they want to be is Sunnyhell."
"How many... of them... actually good? One percent, maybe?"
Willow's eyes flashed. "Well, now. Looks like something good came out of my absorbing all those books after all. Especially the histories and travelogues. There are thousands of so-called demonic dimensions. Most of them have thousands to millions of whom you would consider to be evil nasty demons by definition. No one knows the total population, but it dwarfs the number of humans. And how many demons have we really seen in Sunnyhell? A few hundred? Yeah, okay, there are really nasty dimensions and really nasty demons outside of Sunnyhell, but damn it, Xander, watch the evening news sometime. Do the math."
"Well - okay - but..."
"Come on, Xander!" snapped Willow. "A few hours ago, you made a huge deal of trying to convince me that I'm the same girl I was before. Do you really believe that, Xander? Now that I'm showing you my true appearance? Do you?"
"But... but..."
"Damn it, Xander! Jessie died years ago, okay? I miss him, too, but come on. And he was killed by vamps. Vamps are like pre-programmed killing machines. He wasn't even killed by demons."
Xander looked down. "How did you know..."
"I'm sorry, Xander. But you were thinking it so loudly I couldn't help but hear it. I try to shut it out, but it doesn't always work."
Xander looked away. "Okay."
"And yes, Xander, I do have a soul. It's been split into pieces, completely melted down, and remade from the ground up, but I do have one. Most demons do."
Xander slowly sat down at the table. "Is the double heart thing real, too?"
Willow looked at him. "Not yet. Not fully. But it is happening. Growths are appearing on my heart, and new veins and arteries are appearing, too."
Xander stared off into space for a few seconds. Then he seemed to make a decision. His face brightened.
"Well, even with scales you're still the same Willow. I mean it. I want you to know that. Now, how about some ice cream?" He quickly got up from the table and strode over to the freezer.
Willow softly sighed. [That went better than expected, but not as well as I'd hoped. At least he's made progress. And that will have to do - for today, anyway.] And with that, she turned her attention to several peanut butter scoops.
* * *
4:30 a.m., again. Willow Rosenberg was having a nightmare.
Willow collapsed to the ground, as a rivulet of black oil flowed out of her mouth. She felt something inside her break, and felt herself losing consciousness. With her last bit of energy, she screamed...
She woke up. Xander was holding her.
"You always were my knight in shining armor," she whispered.
* * *
Next: "Under Your Spell"