4. Under Your Spell
Special note: Those who wish to think of Tara as perfectly virtuous may not approve of this chapter. You have been warned.
* * *
"They stab it with their steely knives, but they just can't kill the beast." -- The Eagles, "Hotel California"
Willow Rosenberg:
I knew there was a problem when they kept telling me not to worry about going through Tara's things.
I mean, I was finally ready. The therapy was going well. The black magic was under control. Yeah, the amount I had to drain every day was increasing, but it was still okay. And I'd been to Tara's grave. Several times. So, one morning, when I asked Buffy, Dawn and Xander about going through Tara's things, I expected a lot of support. You know, of the Isn't It Great You're Healing kind.
Instead, I got three sudden gasps, and a gulping noise from Xander. Then I got several minutes on how I shouldn't worry about it, how I shouldn't push myself too hard, how it would be best if I wait until I'm really ready.
I'm really ready now, I said.
Are you sure? - asked Buffy. Really, really sure? - asked Dawn.
Yes, I said. I was starting to be annoyed. Actually, I think I'd better get started. Right now, I said. So I charged out of the kitchen and up the staircase, into the room we had shared together.
So here I am. In the room we shared.
I hear a slight commotion behind me. It seems that Buffy and Dawn want to charge after me, and that Xander is holding them back.
She has to know sometime, he says. Perhaps it's best if she learns the truth now.
A chill goes through my body. What "truth?"
I begin opening cabinets and going through Tara's possessions. I had expected this to be a very emotional experience, as I slowly looked over her things and remembered their owner. But right now, all I am feeling is fear.
I run through her clothes, jewelry, and books, looking for anything out of the ordinary. I don't find anything. Taking a deep breath, I open her box of magical supplies. At first glance, everything seems to be okay. But, I know from hard experience that if there is something wrong, I'll find it in the box. So I dump the supplies onto the floor, and run through the contents. Again, nothing.
I check the box. Again, nothing. But then, I run my hand around the box lining. I feel a lump. I pull apart the lining, and a small object falls into the box.
A charm. A lock of her hair, a lock of my hair, and several magical herbs all tied together with a red ribbon.
A love charm. Oh, Goddess...
It can't be. I loved her, still love her, so much... it can't be.
No, Willow, for the next few seconds you have to be strong. Slowly, with shaking hands, and tears streaming down my face, I pull apart the ribbon. Hair and herbs spray into the box. The charm is broken.
I drop to my knees, bury my face in the bed covers, and begin to cry. My love is gone. Really gone.
Wait. I still love her. As much as ever, it seems.
I quickly look at the ribbon and the herbs. The herbs, the amount of hair, and the knots binding them are weak. Very weak. I can't help being almost ashamed that Tara, of all people, would have made such an amateur charm. Taking my power into account, it might have made me feel a little extra warm and fuzzy towards her. Maybe. On a good day.
Or perhaps it was a charm made by someone who was having second thoughts. Who wanted to stop, knew the terrible thing she was doing, but couldn't quite pull back.
I look again at the ribbon. It had been frayed pretty badly. It looked like she was trying to break it. She almost succeeded. But again, she couldn't summon the courage to destroy the charm.
Did you hide from me, too, Tara? Did you have your own weaknesses, your own self-hatred? Did my light hide her own darkness?
Yes, love. You did. You tried to make me love you, when all that took was you. Then you hid your betrayal from me, even when you knew my love for you was real, because you couldn't face me. You couldn't even destroy the charm once and for all. You almost did, but that doesn't count.
You couldn't get over the shard of doubt and self-hate. You couldn't face yourself.
This is a lot worse than making you forget an argument with me, Tara.
If only you were here, you'd have a lot to apologize for. You'd have a lot to make up for. You would need to get some serious help. And I - I would have to break up with you. At least for a while. Like you did with me. But I'd be here for you. We all would.
But you're not. So I forgive you, my love. I love you. I always will. And my love has nothing to do with a charm. I want you to know that.
May you finally find happiness and comfort, lover. Please, Goddess, forgive her. My girl was a good woman. The best. Please let her be at peace.
I slowly stand up and wipe the tears off. I slowly exit the room, closing the door gently behind me. Another day, very soon, I will return to go through Tara's things. Properly, gently, like she deserves.
But for now, I need to be alone.
* * *
Next: "Accounts Payable"
Special note: Those who wish to think of Tara as perfectly virtuous may not approve of this chapter. You have been warned.
* * *
"They stab it with their steely knives, but they just can't kill the beast." -- The Eagles, "Hotel California"
Willow Rosenberg:
I knew there was a problem when they kept telling me not to worry about going through Tara's things.
I mean, I was finally ready. The therapy was going well. The black magic was under control. Yeah, the amount I had to drain every day was increasing, but it was still okay. And I'd been to Tara's grave. Several times. So, one morning, when I asked Buffy, Dawn and Xander about going through Tara's things, I expected a lot of support. You know, of the Isn't It Great You're Healing kind.
Instead, I got three sudden gasps, and a gulping noise from Xander. Then I got several minutes on how I shouldn't worry about it, how I shouldn't push myself too hard, how it would be best if I wait until I'm really ready.
I'm really ready now, I said.
Are you sure? - asked Buffy. Really, really sure? - asked Dawn.
Yes, I said. I was starting to be annoyed. Actually, I think I'd better get started. Right now, I said. So I charged out of the kitchen and up the staircase, into the room we had shared together.
So here I am. In the room we shared.
I hear a slight commotion behind me. It seems that Buffy and Dawn want to charge after me, and that Xander is holding them back.
She has to know sometime, he says. Perhaps it's best if she learns the truth now.
A chill goes through my body. What "truth?"
I begin opening cabinets and going through Tara's possessions. I had expected this to be a very emotional experience, as I slowly looked over her things and remembered their owner. But right now, all I am feeling is fear.
I run through her clothes, jewelry, and books, looking for anything out of the ordinary. I don't find anything. Taking a deep breath, I open her box of magical supplies. At first glance, everything seems to be okay. But, I know from hard experience that if there is something wrong, I'll find it in the box. So I dump the supplies onto the floor, and run through the contents. Again, nothing.
I check the box. Again, nothing. But then, I run my hand around the box lining. I feel a lump. I pull apart the lining, and a small object falls into the box.
A charm. A lock of her hair, a lock of my hair, and several magical herbs all tied together with a red ribbon.
A love charm. Oh, Goddess...
It can't be. I loved her, still love her, so much... it can't be.
No, Willow, for the next few seconds you have to be strong. Slowly, with shaking hands, and tears streaming down my face, I pull apart the ribbon. Hair and herbs spray into the box. The charm is broken.
I drop to my knees, bury my face in the bed covers, and begin to cry. My love is gone. Really gone.
Wait. I still love her. As much as ever, it seems.
I quickly look at the ribbon and the herbs. The herbs, the amount of hair, and the knots binding them are weak. Very weak. I can't help being almost ashamed that Tara, of all people, would have made such an amateur charm. Taking my power into account, it might have made me feel a little extra warm and fuzzy towards her. Maybe. On a good day.
Or perhaps it was a charm made by someone who was having second thoughts. Who wanted to stop, knew the terrible thing she was doing, but couldn't quite pull back.
I look again at the ribbon. It had been frayed pretty badly. It looked like she was trying to break it. She almost succeeded. But again, she couldn't summon the courage to destroy the charm.
Did you hide from me, too, Tara? Did you have your own weaknesses, your own self-hatred? Did my light hide her own darkness?
Yes, love. You did. You tried to make me love you, when all that took was you. Then you hid your betrayal from me, even when you knew my love for you was real, because you couldn't face me. You couldn't even destroy the charm once and for all. You almost did, but that doesn't count.
You couldn't get over the shard of doubt and self-hate. You couldn't face yourself.
This is a lot worse than making you forget an argument with me, Tara.
If only you were here, you'd have a lot to apologize for. You'd have a lot to make up for. You would need to get some serious help. And I - I would have to break up with you. At least for a while. Like you did with me. But I'd be here for you. We all would.
But you're not. So I forgive you, my love. I love you. I always will. And my love has nothing to do with a charm. I want you to know that.
May you finally find happiness and comfort, lover. Please, Goddess, forgive her. My girl was a good woman. The best. Please let her be at peace.
I slowly stand up and wipe the tears off. I slowly exit the room, closing the door gently behind me. Another day, very soon, I will return to go through Tara's things. Properly, gently, like she deserves.
But for now, I need to be alone.
* * *
Next: "Accounts Payable"