Chapter 15 – Tears of Scarlet

Zelda til Rednaxelos

Terra's P.O.V.

     Note: Just to let you know, I am not in anyway promoting or endorsing the act of self-mutilation. DO NOT EVER try this, no matter how depressed you are – believe me, it only makes it worse.

     Anywho . . . sorry for the huge delay! See, certain people think that trying simply to stay out of trouble is just as worthy of punishment as not trying to stay out of trouble, but little do certain people know that it only makes me want to rebel against certain people even more. So certain people keep taking away my hard drive, and my chapter and email along with it. God damn those certain people.

Vamp Queen: Ok, I know that she hates this, but I have to. This is a long chappie and I hope you guys like it. I'll get the next one out as soon as possible. Thanks!

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     Quistis's razor blade. Sharp, shiny, painful . . . exactly what I wanted.

     With a bit of hesitation, I let it rest lightly on my arm. Just one little stroke . . . it wouldn't hurt much, would it? It was just blood, after all. I'd seen blood before; I wasn't scared by it, and in fact, the sight of it actually lifted my spirits a bit. Or was I wrong? Was it too much for me to handle –

     "Aaaahhh!"

     I sharply pulled the razor away. In my train of thought I had unconsciously pressed the blade too hard and cut myself. A thin, perfectly straight line of blood seeped from the cut.

     I watched as the blood slowly trickled down my arm, half-shocked, yet half-comforted . . .

     Wait.

     Comforted.

     It actually wasn't that bad. It hurt, but not a lot.

     What if I did it again?

     Hmm . . .

     Once again, I touched the razor lightly to my skin. Closing my eyes tightly, I took a deep breath and pressed down.

     I winced as I released my grip. It stung a bit, and at first I was beginning to regret it.

     But it wasn't that bad. And it was something I could find solace in. It was rewarding, to the point where it was almost . . . fun.

     So, with that in mind, I got to work. I began slicing at my arm repeatedly, with a glint of mad glee in my eye. I soon got used to the pain of it. A cut above, a cut below . . .

     By the time I was finished, I had twenty perfect lines, each about a quarter of an inch apart, one for each wretched day we had spent in this suddenly gloomy world.

     Tears began to spill down my checks once more, onto the crimson-stained porcelain skin, washing the blood away . . . and my turmoil.

     At least, for now.

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     That night, as I lay on the couch staring up at the ceiling, Quistis came in with a bag from the cafeteria. "Hey, Terra," she greeted me.

     "Hi," I replied miserably.

     She recognized my sad tone and came to sit down on the couch beside me. "You're still upset about yesterday, aren't you?"

     "How could I not be? After my best friend died, and Raven was a total brute about it?"

     Quistis sighed and rested her hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry. It must be terrible."

     "You don't know the half of it."

     She smiled sadly. Reaching into her bag, she said, "Come on, cheer up. I got you some food from the cafeteria. They were serving these huge beef steaks – nice and rare, too. It almost shrank away when you poked it with a knife." She finally found the wrapped up steak and brought it to the kitchen. "I'll bet you're hungry right now. You haven't eaten since yesterday."

     I sighed. I really wasn't in the mood for this. How was I going to eat at a time like this?

     "Thanks, Quistis, but . . ."

     "But what?" she asked, concerned now. "Is everything alright?"

     "Yeah, things are okay . . . I'm just not hungry right now, that's all."

     "Not hungry?" Quistis raised both her eyebrows in surprise. "But Terra, I thought you liked steak."

     "I do. I don't feel like eating right now, though."

     Quistis sighed, evidently troubled now. "You're sure?"

     "Yeah."

     She shook her head and turned to the fridge, placing the steak inside. "Well, when you decide you're ready to eat," she said, "it's here in the fridge. Just fix it when you want it, okay?"

     "Mmm-hmm. Thank you."

     She was getting ready to retire when she stopped at the doorway. Looking back at me, she asked, "You know, Terra . . . I know you're grieving right now. But I'm getting worried that maybe . . . maybe you're going to end up with some dangerous habits." She paused for a bit, biting her lip slightly, before she continued, "Just be careful, okay?"

     "Okay, Quistis."

     As she left, I thought to myself, If only she knew . . . if only she knew.

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     "Yes, yes! She is weakened at last!"

     "That was not so hard, was it, Aris?"

     "Oh, Adel, it was so fun, messing with her mind! I love it so!"

     Adel smiled evilly as she peered into the pool at Terra, savoring the sight of the depressed young sorceress. "You never told me which one you wanted to take, my sister," she said.

     "I was thinking about that death crone for a while, actually," Aris replied. "But the lover is just so much fun to toy with . . . I cannot decide!"

     Adel chuckled. "Well, then, let me try her out – see which one I like better. Hmm . . . let me see, what would be the most amusing way to torture her? Let me think now . . . oh, I have it!"

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     Days passed, and still I wasn't hungry at all. No matter how much I wanted to eat something, the mere sight of food sickened me. The mutilation continued; every day, I added a slash to each of my arms. Luckily for me, as a sorceress I would not necessary die from a sliced artery.

     Raven and I continued to avoid each other. My anger at her continued to grow with each passing hour. Hours turned to days; days turned to nights; soon, a week had passed since Luna's death. Zell was still mourning a bit – obviously he had really liked Luna. Seifer was just as angry as I was at Raven. Irvine and Quistis tried to feed me, but to no avail. Selphie was getting extremely worried about all of us, and as for Squall . . . well, I couldn't tell what he was feeling. He still wouldn't talk to me much; which was just as well, I suppose, since I didn't want to talk to anyone, anyway.

     Soon Quistis was out of disposable razors, and she sent me on an errand to Fujin's dorm to pick up some more. I was glad to – I needed those razors, as well.

     When I got to the dorm, Fujin extended a warm welcome as she let me in, saying, "Hey. How are things?"

     "Terrible," I replied, not caring that she was suddenly speaking normally.

     "I'm really sorry."

     I could only nod. "Thanks."

     "Well, the razors are in the bathroom. Take as many as you need." She smiled kindly at me as I passed through the bedroom to the bathroom cabinet.

     On the way over, I noticed an open book lying on the stand beside the couch. Curious thing . . . making sure Fujin wouldn't see me, I walked cautiously over to the book and looked it over.

     Raven's journal, I thought. Well, well – this might prove to be interesting.

     "Terra? Did you find them?"

     Stuffing the journal into my sweater, I quickly went over to the cabinet, got the razors, and went out.

     "Got them," I said, holding them up. "Thanks, Fujin."

     "No prob," she responded as she led me out. "And Terra?"

     "Yeah?"

     "Try to feel better, okay?"

     "Yeah, sure." Yeah, I think I'll feel at least slightly better . . . this will be fun.

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     Flipping to the second-to-last entry, I came across the first paragraph: 'She just didn't know what it was like to kill at thirteen, to enjoy blood dripping down her hands, to see so many partners fall. Luna was simply one, just another.'

     Yeah, that's nice of you, Raven, I thought as I read on. Another partner, huh? Just as I thought – we were all the same to her.

     I supposed that she was a "mother" to us simply because she had to be, not because she cared about us. It was her position in life, and there was nothing she could do to change it. So if you can't beat them, join them.

     "Best friends, my ass," I muttered as I read on.

     She went on to explain our positions, what happened to her partners, and a conversation with Seifer. How could she think about football when people around her are dying?

     The part about her killing at thirteen stuck in my mind, so I flipped way back, trying to find out more. Let's see, another fight with Luna . . . whining about her brothers . . . detention – again . . . it's raining outside . . . here!

     I found an entry near the very beginning of the journal, dated sometime in January, the Year of Our Lady One Thousand Ninety-Four:

     'Finally – that annoying twit is dead.

    ' I did it. I fulfilled my destiny as the death crone; I have taken William's life.

     'That annoying cousin of mine was getting on my nerves. So I just picked him off. Paralyzed him, seized the knife while he was down, and killed him.

     'He found out about my being a sorceress. Just a couple of months ago, he got into my room and snooped until he found something. And he's sixteen, too – he should know better. He taunted and taunted me about it, dangling it in front of my face, laughing at me. No one disrespects me that way – no one. Because of this, he had to go.

     'So I killed him quickly. Blood was all over my hands and clothes afterwards, but I didn't care. I loved the feeling of blood trickling down my fingers, knowing it was William's blood, the blood of my adversary of the moment.

     'I disposed of his body quickly. At least I know how to send things out into space, where no one will find them.

     'Maybe I could grow used to this death crone thing. I have power now. I can kill anyone I want, when I want, however I want. I can torture them, I can make it quick and painless, I can do whatever. All this strength – I probably have more strength in my little finger than all of my brothers combined. It comes with responsibility, yes. But I guess I don't mind. As the death crone, I can do whatever I chose. I can pick off partners, old boyfriends, family members that upset me, and no one will ever know – or care.

     'I am death incarnate. It is my power, my control – I am the one to decide who will live and who will die.'

     She was just as conceited then as she was now. But that was one of her major faults. "Wow, she has faults!" I said mockingly. "Shocking, indeed."

     Foolish, arrogant Raven. She thought that just because she was our death crone, she was the only one with the capacity to kill? Who said it was her choice who lived and died?

     I smiled to myself. Little did she realize that I, too, was capable of execution.

     It was my mother I had killed, three weeks before my thirteenth birthday – younger than Raven had been. But my mother never knew of the power I had just acquired. Neither would she ever; I would kill her first.

     I had to. She was abusive of me, physically and emotionally. She would often tell me how worthless I was, how much she hated me. She once told me that if my father hadn't been rich enough to attract her, I would never have existed. When they were married, she cheated on him with other men; she would often go out all night, sometimes for days at a time. Dad finally divorced her, but unfortunately, somehow she got seventy percent custody.

     It was funny, though, how much she did for me in public. She paid for music and ballet lessons; she encouraged me to make myself as beautiful as possible, to attract guys' attention; she was wonderful when others were around. But then she treated me like shit once we got home. I was nothing but a "trophy daughter", something she could wave around to receive praise from society.

     My dad saw all this, and tried to get me away from her completely. I thought she would be glad to get rid of me, but instead, she fought as hard as she could to keep her trophy. She denied every charge, covered up every shred of evidence – and she won the case. Dad had given up . . . but I would not.

     I had just acquired my sorceress powers, and was pretty good at it; I caught on quickly. In five months I was the strongest of the Witches Three, as my mentor, who had yet to introduce me to Raven and Luna, told me. I explained my problem to her, and she said it was necessary for me to seek refuge with my father, or I would soon find myself in a world of suffering. I decided that the only way was to dispose of my mother, and quickly.

     One night, when she was about to strike me again, I pushed her back into the wall. I believe that if I hadn't, she would have killed me right there, so I had to do it first. When I had finished her, my mentor helped me cast her remains into space, where she could never hurt me again.

     Technically it wasn't murder; I had to kill her to protect myself and others. I hadn't even planned to attack her then. It just sort of happened, and I figured, why not finish it off? Better sooner than later.

     I couldn't condemn Raven for killing her cousin. I had killed, too. What I could condemn her for was the fact that she did it in cold blood. Just because she was annoyed by her bratty cousin. I, however, was in great danger. There is nothing wrong with self-defense, so Hecate justified me.

     Reading on through the journal, I found out that she had assassinated Zach, too, right after he had screwed her in the motel. There were other disturbing things in there, too, some about Luna and I.

     But the last entry was the one that hit me hardest:

     'So Luna is gone now. Dead as a doornail. Fine with me.

     'Why does everyone care so much? The guys hardly knew her, and Terra – forget Terra. She's a brat, anyway. If she were the death crone of the group, she wouldn't care, either.'

     There it was, that "death personified" thing again, rubbing it in everyone's faces. Just like her, that Raven.

     'Seifer has just screwed me over, apparently. He led me on, telling me he'd be gentle . . . but taking advantage of me. So I had gotten drunk – still, why would Seifer be that cruel?'

     The question was, "Was she drunk? Did she expect any better of Seifer? Was she trying to get into his bed, anyway?" And the ultimate question, "Why would she be so cruel?"

     'Better not tell Terra. Oh, well, not like I'm speaking to her, anyway. Yeah, I'm trying to get her to eat, but only because I have to. I'm the mother; the mother watches out for the other two sorceresses. It's my position in life. Do I do it with a smile? Nope – I can't stand Terra, couldn't stand Luna. I never could.

     'Why did I ever tell people they were my best friends? I was always fighting with Luna. Terra and I are polar opposites. They expected me to care about things, when everyone else knew I wasn't happy and chipper like them. They must have mistaken my for someone who gives a damn.

     'I suppose Terra is right. I don't care about them. Like I said before, they're only partners. I'm stuck with them until they die off, only to get replaced. It's nothing – why do they make such a big deal of it?

     'I may even be starting to hate Terra at this point.'

     Hate.

     Raven hated me?

     But . . . I didn't understand. Why? What did I do?

     'Scratch that. I'm certain that I hate Terra. She's stupid and flighty. So her dad is a rich jackass. So she has guys wanting her and girls wanting to be her. So she has flawless skin and a great body. None of it matters to me. I hate her. She has caused me too much trouble.

     'Fine. She doesn't want to eat, she can starve herself to death. I don't care anymore. Did I ever? She can waste away, just like Luna did. I'm tired of her . . . so I'll just let her die.'

     I closed the journal and set it beside me. I was shocked and saddened; was I really that terrible? I thought we had been best friends. She had told me we were . . . but it was all a lie.

     Frustrated, I headed to the bathroom and grabbed the razor. I slashed another mark on my arms – another day Raven had gone about detesting me.

     I looked into the mirror at my wretched reflection, and saw that running down my cheeks were burgundy tears – tears of scarlet.

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